by Trish Loye
But she didn’t resist. She couldn’t, not against Derrick. It had been so long. So long since she’d kissed anyone, let alone him. The kiss slowed and gentled. His strong hands caressed up her arms, sliding around her back and bringing her closer to him. His scent surrounded her, making her dizzy, bringing back memories. She leaned into him. His broad shoulders and wide chest emanated strength and power, yet his lips coaxed and soothed—they begged forgiveness.
A forgiveness she couldn’t give. Her eyes opened and she stepped back.
“I’m sorry.” His dark eyes pinned her in place, even as his hands dropped to his sides as if admitting defeat. “What else do you want me to say?”
“I want you to mean it,” she said softly. “And I want you to tell me why.”
“I do mean it. I never wanted you to think I was dead.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me you’d come back?”
“I saw you.” He sighed. “You were so happy with your daughter a—”
“Stop.” He’d driven a knife into her heart. She couldn’t listen anymore. He had seen Rose and hadn’t wanted her, or a wife, or a crazy live-in mother-in-law, so he’d left. She shook her head even as her heart splintered around the blade he’d shoved in. “I’m glad you’re alive,” she said. “But I never want to see you again.”
“Cassandra, please.”
She went back into the ballroom, ignoring his soft call, knowing that if she left now she wouldn’t see him again. Like a good soldier, he’d disappear without a trace.
This time for good.
3
Cassie didn’t make it home for another three hours. Three hours in which she tried not to replay the scorching kiss, or the words exchanged. Her shoulders slumped as she dragged herself up to the tiny porch of her two-story home in midtown Toronto. It wasn’t a large home, but she loved the old house, with its small yard and big windows. She unlocked the front door and the smells of garlic, soy, and sesame made her stomach growl.
Some days she hated living with her mother, but today wasn’t one of them. It would be good to have someone else take care of her, even for only a meal. Her mother tried to help out as much as she could, but her body was frailer than most women her age. She’d been severely malnourished as a youth and it showed more as she grew older by sapping what little strength she had.
“Cassandra? Dinner’s almost ready. Come eat.”
“You didn’t have to do that, omma,” she called out to her mom in Korean, “but thank you.” She dumped her coat and purse by the door. The first floor held only a narrow living room, dining room, and a kitchen at the back. The upstairs had three bedrooms. Overall, the place was small but functional and close to downtown, work, and Rose’s school.
Her mother stood at the stove, pan-grilling bulgogi—marinated beef strips. A steaming bowl of bibimpap, a dish of rice, sauted vegetables and an egg, already sat on the table. She’d rolled her gray-streaked hair into a bun at the back of her head, but a few curls escaped. Cassie had inherited her mother’s hair and full lips, but she’d gotten her high cheekbones and eyes from a man her mother had left behind when she’d escaped North Korea.
Rose sat at the kitchen island, her school books spread around her. Her mass of loose curls depicted her as a Kwon woman, as did most of her face, but Cassie could see the girl’s father in her dark, almost black eyes, as well as the strong jawline. She would be a beautiful woman one day. Cassie smiled as she always did when she looked at her daughter. She wanted to put off telling or even thinking about her day for just a little while longer, so she sank onto a stool beside Rose. “How was your day?”
Rose looked up and smirked. “Ms. Wilson gave us a surprise quiz in math today.”
Cassie wanted to laugh at her daughter’s smug look. “And you aced it, of course?” Math skills. Something else she’d inherited from her father.
“I not only aced it, I beat Thomas.” Her grin widened.
Thomas was Rose’s nemesis at school. They both competed for top marks in the grade eight class. Cassie gave Rose a quick hug. At least she’d meant it to be quick. But that wasn’t what happened. Her arms tightened when they should have loosened. If Derrick hadn’t been there, who would the gunman have shot next? Would she have ever seen her daughter or mother again? She held her daughter close, breathing in her scent.
Rose started to wiggle. “Mom? What’s wrong?”
Cassie sniffed and blinked hard, forcing herself to release her daughter. “Nothing. I just needed a hug.”
Rose frowned.
In that frown, she saw Derrick and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“Mom, you’re acting weird.”
She waved off the comment. “I’m going to go wash up. Rose, clear your books and set the table for dinner.”
Rose grumbled but closed up her books. Cassie’s mother turned off the stove, followed her out of the kitchen and stopped her in their small living room.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, omma.” And she was. The fireplace in the room had a narrow mantel that they’d filled with framed photos. One, at the end, stood apart. A picture of a young Derrick, in uniform. She’d snagged it from him that summer so long ago when they’d first met. She gazed at it, wondering at the man he’d grown into. A man who loved being a soldier and was good at it, but who didn’t care at all about family.
Her stomach rolled over. She was going to have to tell Rose.
“Cassandra?”
She looked back at her mom. She’d had a couple of shocks today, but she really was fine. She’d been fine for years now and she’d continue to be fine. “I’ll be right in for dinner.”
Her mother didn’t leave. “Tell me what’s wrong. The last time you looked like this, you’d finally accepted that Rose’s father was dead.”
He’s not dead. But she couldn’t bring herself to say the words that would make Derrick’s betrayal real.
“Or does this have something to do with the buffoon?” her mother asked.
“No. And please don’t remind me of my ex-husband.” Cassie’s short marriage eleven years ago had been a mistake of massive proportions. She hadn’t yet learned to rely only on herself as a single mom and had been vulnerable to Nigel’s shallow attentions. The marriage had barely lasted a year. Between the buffoon and Derrick, she’d had more than her fair share of heartache. No more men for her.
“Then this is about your upcoming trip, isn’t it?” her mom asked. “You know you don’t have to go.”
Today had taken her mind off of where she was going in two weeks. A trip that had taken years to plan. One that terrified her and yet she hadn’t thought of it today, until now. “No, Mom. I’m still going. It’s a story that needs to be told.”
Her mother’s lips pressed together. “You don’t have to be the one to tell it.”
“Who better than the daughter of someone killed in a prison camp?”
“It’s too dangerous. What if you’re caught?”
“I have a guide,” she said. “We’ve been over this already. I need to tell this story.”
“Don’t do it for me. I’d rather you stay home.”
“I’m doing it for my father then.”
“Jin-sun would rather you stay safe.”
“Then I’m doing it for all the children who are losing parents to these camps.” She softened her voice. “I’m going, omma. It’s decided.”
Exhaustion dragged at her and she turned back to the photo of Derrick. He’d always hated her career, but what she did was important. She truly believed that. Not all of her stories were life-and-death matters, but it always involved bringing the truth to the world. That was her true calling. And she’d fight for the right to do it, even if it meant choosing her career over her love life. Maybe it was better that Derrick had never come back into their lives. They’d probably have had a short, fiery relationship that would’ve ended because of his views about what she did. He considered it snooping and didn’t believe the pub
lic had a right to know everything.
She sighed and picked up the picture.
“Cassandra?” her mother asked. “What’s really going on?”
“I need to tell you and Rose something.”
Her mother pointed at the picture. “About him?”
“About Derrick, yes.”
Rose stepped into the living room. Clearly she’d been eavesdropping again. “What about him?” Her voice held curiosity, but a bit of dread threaded through it.
Was Cassie’s expression giving it away? She opened her mouth and no words came out. What the hell was she supposed to say? How was she going to do this without breaking her daughter’s heart?
“Mom?” Rose asked, her voice too quiet.
She took a deep breath and forced a smile. “He’s alive.”
Her words created a silence of shock that almost vibrated.
“He’s alive?” Rose said finally, her voice rising with hope, like a fragile balloon. “Where? How? Can I meet him?”
“How did this happen?” Her mother’s suspicious tone contrasted sharply with Rose’s lighter one.
“I think we should sit down,” she said. “Why don’t we have dinner and I’ll tell you all I know.”
She thought she’d use the time to figure out what she would say, but instead, as they filled their plates with bulgogi and bibimbap, Rose danced around, blurting out questions. “Is he still a soldier? Was he a prisoner of war? I bet he’d been taken prisoner and just got released after a ton of years. Do you think he has PTSD?”
“Rose,” Cassie said, her voice too sharp. She took a breath and softened her tone. “Sit. I’ll tell you what I know.” Which actually wasn’t much beyond that he was alive and obviously still a soldier.
She set her plate down. No one ate. “There was an incident today at the press conference I was at.” She proceeded to tell them about her day and Derrick’s role in subduing the assassin.
“He’s a hero,” Rose breathed.
Cassie bit her lip and waited. It didn’t take long.
“Wait,” Rose said. “So he’s working for the government…here in Toronto?”
Cassie nodded. “I’m not sure how long he’s in Toronto for.”
Rose looked at her plate. “You told me he was dead…you assumed he was dead because he never came back from a mission?”
“Yes,” Cassie whispered.
Her mother’s face crumpled as they watched Rose piece together what Derrick had done.
“Do you mean he didn’t come back from a mission or…he didn’t come back to you?”
She swallowed hard. She hated hurting her daughter and hated Derrick at that moment for putting her in this position. “He didn’t come back to me.”
Rose looked up, her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked a few times and none fell. “You mean he didn’t come back to us.”
It killed her, but she nodded.
Rose pushed her chair back and ran upstairs.
Cassie stood, but her mother grabbed her arm. “Give her a few minutes. Then go talk to her.”
She sat back down and pushed her food around on her plate. Her mother started washing dishes. None of them had eaten.
She gave up and went upstairs. Rose didn’t answer her knock, but she didn’t let that stop her. Rose sat on her bed with her laptop and a fierce scowl on her face as she stared at the screen.
“Hey sweetie,” she said, not bothering to ask whether she was okay. Clearly she wasn’t. “I’m sorry to tell you about your father, but…I thought you should know.”
Rose looked at her from under her eyebrows. “Did you know he works for a civilian security company?”
Cassie frowned. Derrick wasn’t in the military? “Are you sure? Another man called him Colonel. And hold on…are you Googling him?”
She nodded and flipped the screen around to show a company website. Edge Security. “There’s no pictures, and hardly any information,” she said, “but his name is on the management team list.”
Cassie skimmed the information. Edge Security was a company based in Montréal. Why had he been hired in Toronto? And why did he still have military rank? That was weird. The firm must be… She stopped her thoughts and curiosity. It didn’t matter. What mattered was her daughter.
“Do you want to meet him?” she asked calmly.
Rose jerked back. “No. He didn’t want me, so I don’t want him.”
Her daughter’s hurt made Cassie want to hug her tight, but her words brought a guilty thought to the surface. Did Derrick even know Rose was his? Or had the thought of raising any children so spooked him that he’d left before he’d gotten all the information? She pushed the thoughts away. She would track down Derrick after her trip and make sure he had all the facts. Not that she thought it would make much difference.
But right now, this was about Rose. “If you ever change your mind about meeting your father,” Cassie said, “you let me know. He’s not…a bad man.” He’d been such a good one. So full of integrity and honor. What had happened?
“I won’t change my mind,” Rose said.
Cassie kissed her forehead and went to her bedroom to change into jeans and a hoodie. Before she left the room, she took the small framed picture of her and Derrick from her bedside table. It was a selfie of the two of them, taken with her camera after one of their bike rides. Her hair was wild and tangled but her smile was fierce, and so was his.
She put the frame into the drawer and closed it. “Good-bye, Derrick.”
Derrick unlocked his door and flicked on the lights inside. The familiar silence and shadows of his one-bedroom apartment greeted him with the same lack of enthusiasm he felt for them. He should have just slept at the office. Again. At least he’d be able to avoid the traffic in the morning.
It had been a long day. Not just with the paperwork and renewed plans to protect the envoy, which had taken longer than they should have, but also with the flight back to Montréal. He’d left Jake, a former Navy SEAL and a team commander, in charge of the envoy’s security for the last twenty-four hours of his stay in Canada.
Derrick dropped his briefcase on the couch. He had more paperwork about the incident to do later. Shit. He’d have finished already if he hadn’t been so damn distracted. Distracted by one slight woman with wild hair. Just the image of her had his blood heating again. What the hell had he been thinking, kissing Cassie? It had taken him a long time to get over her.
And now, he had to do it again.
His fists clenched with the need to punch something. He had to get control of himself. Why did he care so much and after all this time? She’d chosen a normal life. A life without him and he had to respect that. It was time to lay the past to rest.
He rolled his head and shoulders, trying to ease the tension building there. He should have gone to the gym, but he had too many reports to do. Excess energy crawled under his skin making him itch for action, for fury, for sex. Wild hair. Heated lips. The scent of… No. He banished the image of Cassandra from his mind. He’d make it to the gym tomorrow before work.
He went to the galley kitchen and opened his fridge, knowing what he’d find, but unable to stop the habit. An egg carton with two eggs, a bit of milk close to expiration, and some vegetables that sported a mixture of moldy fuzz and slime. He threw out the vegetables and shut the fridge before grabbing his takeout menus from a drawer. He’d been too busy this week to make it home, let alone have the time to go grocery shopping.
He sorted through the menus. Chinese, pizza, Italian, Vietnamese, Korean. He paused. So what if he had a craving for Korean food? It had nothing to do with a certain reporter he’d seen today. And nothing to do with a kiss that still stirred a fire in him.
He slammed a fist onto the counter, the impact shocking the memories and lust away. He had no business feeling anything for Cassie. What was between them was long over. And her thinking him dead had killed any future chance for them.
Guilt tore into him. He hadn’t meant for that. He
’d never meant for that. His head slumped forward and he closed his eyes.
“I’m a fucking idiot,” he muttered. Of course she’d think that. But he’d been so pissed that day when he’d returned to her house. The mission had taken months longer than expected and he’d come to see her the day he’d returned. He’d been exhausted but exhilarated at the thought of being with her after so long.
He’d been stupid to think they would be together. They’d been apart for five years and had run into each other again before he’d gone on his mission. They’d had one dinner and then one amazing kiss, and he’d dreamed. Dreamed once again of a life with her.
Fuck, he’d dreamed all kinds of stupid shit while he’d been deployed in the sandbox. He’d been such an idiot. He’d asked her to wait for him, thinking that they could be together after his mission. At the time, he’d made the decision to leave the fledging covert unit named Edge Security. He’d been planning to leave it for her.
And what did he find when he’d returned home?
He crumpled the menu in his hand. He’d found Cassie with her husband and child. A cozy picture of domestic bliss. She hadn’t told him. He’d thought she’d loved him as much as he loved her.
And that obviously hadn’t been the case.
He’d left, thinking he was the injured party. She’d had a family and hadn’t bothered to tell him before he’d gone on his mission. He hadn’t wanted to show up and see the pity in her eyes when she told him that she’d chosen someone else over him. Someone who could give her a normal life, a life with stability, security and children.
It had been time to move on. Edge Security had flourished under his leadership and his life was exactly as he liked it. There was no way he would have put his career in jeopardy to have an affair with a married woman. How could she even think he’d do something like that?
He threw the balled-up menu in the garbage and pulled a beer from the fridge. He’d order pizza and watch the game while he did his paperwork.