by Tenaya MKD
Focus, Nova. Focus on what tonight is about.
Shadow was potentially dangerous to people everywhere, but I would not be risking my life for those people.
Tonight, I finally get answers.
Tonight, I fuck over the asshole who stole my life from me. And killed too many good people.
A fire of my own began to burn in the bottom of my gut. The panic was replaced with resolve.
It’s time to make Crowley pay.
The smell of alcohol fills my nose. Yelling is all around me. High-pitched screams, “Get off of me!”, “Fuck!”, and other expletives, all mix together into one cacophony of voices.
The crack of a fist making contact with a jawbone. The bang of a table falling under the weight of someone's body. Darkness. Then nothing.
Pressure on my wrists and ankles. The rhythmic beeping of a machine. Cold. Finally, my eyes open. Bright light. A woman. Then him. Right in front of me. Menacing. Threatening. Sinister. Insane eyes. Coming closer. Too close.
“Welcome back, Janine.”
Then fire. Nothing but fire.
I bolted upright. Drenched in sweat, my heart racing, and my breathing ragged.
That vision had been different from the other two. Instead of being a steady picture, it all came to me in flashes. Like I was flipping through a picture book, but there were a lot of pages stuck together.
Was that Crowley? Did he call me Janine?
Anxiety washed through me, chilling my insides and sending me sinking back into the blankets. The thought of having to live through that vision terrified me.
Those screams…
There was nothing to be done about it though. I had no choice but to walk into tonight and let things unfold. That building held answers for me that I needed. And those poor people locked in cages needed our help.
Maybe we can keep it from happening that way. We just have to change the future I’ve seen. That’s all.
When Cayde came in the door an hour later, I was showered. And mostly calmed down. He walked straight to me and kissed me like it was urgent. His full lips felt pleasantly soft against mine. He placed his hands on either side of my face, gently pulling me into him. My hands wrapped around his waist.
When he pulled away, he looked into my eyes with a smile on his face, swiping the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip.
I giggled. Me! Actually giggling! I put my hand over my mouth, as if I could hide the fact that the annoying sound had come from me.
He laughed. “Please don't be embarrassed. I thought that was adorable.”
“Adorable is not something I usually strive for.”
“I know. That's what makes me feel special.”
I took his hands in mine, turning my gaze down to our fingers to hide my hot cheeks.
You are special.
When I felt my face lose its heat, I finally asked, “How did the day go?” We sat on the foot of my bed.
“It was pretty uneventful. It seems like a regular office building, at first glance. There is way too little foot traffic around it for that, though. Only twenty people entered the building all day. And I’m pretty sure all of them were just members of Crowley’s security team, patrolling the building in business suits. There is definitely something going on in there that Crowley wants well-protected.”
“Was Crowley there?”
“We didn't see him.”
“I think he will be.” I decided not to tell him about my latest vision. It would only worry him. And I was afraid that talking about it out loud would somehow bring it closer to reality.
“If we're lucky, we won't run into him,” he said adamantly.
“Why would that be lucky? He needs to be taken out! People as evil as him can’t be allowed to share the world with the rest of us.”
His eyebrows raised with his voice. “Don't you dare start thinking like that, Nova! This is a rescue mission, not an attack.”
“But shouldn't it be both? How long has he gotten away with murdering your parents? You can't tell me you don't want him to suffer for that.”
He sighed. “What I want isn't the point. My parents were brilliant, strong people, and he managed to murder them. We can't underestimate him. His time will come. I promise you that. Tonight isn’t it though. We have to do it right.” He tilted my chin up, looking into my eyes. “I need you to be putting your safety first while we’re in there. Remember the promise you made to me? I couldn’t handle it if anything happened—”
“I know,” I said, squeezing his hand. “But, if we play it safe forever, he is going to win. If Shadow is as dangerous as you told me, then we don't really even have a choice. Taking them down is bigger than us.”
He looked at me with an expression I could have sworn was pride. He smiled, but it was small. It was a “You're right. But I hate it” look.
“You’re right. It is bigger. And believe me, I will make sure it happens. But if we try to go after him before we’re ready, we risk losing. And, even if we did manage to kill him now, we’d be left with no way of proving Shadow exists. We need to expose him, in order to show people what they’re doing. Taking Shadow down is bigger than just Crowley.”
I rolled my eyes, sighing. “If you say so.”
He laughed. It was good to see the grim look wiped from his face. I loved the way his eyes crinkled. “You are frustrating and wonderful.”
I let go of his hand and laughed as I collapsed back onto the bed. “That sounds like a winning combination to me!”
“Oh, it is.” This time his smile reached his eyes.
We ordered more room service and ate well. This time, the rose and other touches did feel romantic. The later it got, the quieter we became, focused on the night ahead of us. We eventually found ourselves cuddled in bed, together in silence.
“When you have gone into my mind… have you… seen anything about me?” I hadn’t decided to ask the question; the words had just fallen out of my mouth. Like they’d run out of space in my head and spilled over.
“Not really. I get an overall sense of you, but no specifics. No memories. Is that what you were wondering?”
“Kind of.”
He shifted himself up to lean on his forearm, looking down at me. “Why are you feeling so…conflicted? Is that the right word for it?”
I sat myself up and pulled my knees into my chest. “I don’t know.” He brushed my hair behind my ear, waiting for me to continue. “Before, when you were being distant, I worried you found something in my head you didn’t like. That you found out I’m a shitty person or something. For all I know, I might be.” I couldn’t look at him. I locked my eyes down on the bed in front of me, waiting for his answer.
He gently put his hand on my cheek to lift my head. “You are far from a shitty person, Nova. When I am in your mind, I can feel how good your heart is. It has rough edges, and you might not nurture it often.” He smirked. “But your heart is in the right place. I know you’re a great person.”
He lowered his hand to interlace our fingers. All I could do was smile. I didn’t know what to say.
His eyes settled on the frosted window behind me. They stayed there a moment before he sat up. Softly rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb, he took a deep breath.
“I’ve never been in a relationship before. There have been women, don’t get me wrong, but no one I saw more than a couple of times. And definitely no one I had… strong feelings for.” He took another deep breath. “I wasn’t sure I should go down that road. Not because of you, but just at all—ever. Our lifestyle isn’t exactly normal.”
I nodded. I would have never imagined myself wanting a real relationship, either. Before I kissed him last night, I hadn’t even considered it. His other point was fair too. We would never go out to dinner and a movie on Friday nights, or whatever else “normal” couples do. But most couples couldn’t spend time in each other’s minds, or accidentally switch bodies either. We were odd. And I was fine with that. Now that we were on this road, I knew I
definitely wanted to be here.
“When I was in your head last night… well, I needed you to know how I felt,” he said.
I let my knees fall away from my chest as another smile overtook my face.
Then he kissed me, more sweetly than I thought I could possibly deserve.
When he pulled away, he laid back down and pulled me into him again. His strong arms wrapped around me.
I wondered, for the first time since I woke up as Ashley Gains, if I really needed my memories back.
Even if I remembered what my life was before, would I want to go back to it?
But I couldn’t explore that train of thought very far before getting hung up on the sheer need to know. There was no letting that go.
I have to know who I am.
No matter who that turns out to be…
And that meant I needed to go after my body tonight. I'd have to face Crowley.
Cayde would be angry with me for doing it. Eric would be too. But I could ask for forgiveness later.
This has to be done.
32
We gathered outside the hotel a little after midnight. We looked very conspicuous, huddled together in the snow, wearing our inappropriately thin, black clothes. When Quinn had let us request stuff for this mission, I asked for black leggings to go with the long sleeves she'd suggested. My ass-kicking uniform.
Quinn had opted for a more cargo-pant style, like the men had. The long sleeves were stretched a little thin over Eric's arms, but he wasn’t complaining. I got the sense he was too excited to even notice the cold. He was practically bouncing. We all looked like we were about to break into something, which I suppose was accurate.
“Alright. I’ll see you on the roof. Be careful,” Markham said.
It had been decided that we would split off into groups and each take slightly different routes to the parking garage. That way, we would trickle in, instead of approaching as one obvious group. Just in case Crowley had eyes on the street leading up to the building. We were hoping to get as far into this as possible without having to fight, since numbers would not be on our side.
Zane and Cayde were walking with me. Quinn and Eric would take the next street up. And Wyatt would go with Markham in the opposite direction, since both of them would be flying in.
Eric got a couple of steps away before I grabbed his arm and spun him into a hug. “No grandma punches tonight, okay?” I said, holding him tightly. My cheek pressed against his chest.
I felt him chuckle. He brought his lips to the top of my head. “I promise.”
After a moment, he took my shoulders and held me at arm’s length, so he could look directly into my eyes. “Be careful. Be smart. Please.”
He knew my plans. He had to. But if he knew me, then he also knew I wouldn't be changing them. I just had to hope he wouldn't try to stop me.
“I will be,” I said. But he didn't let go of me right away. He didn’t believe me. Pulling me back into him, he gave me one more squeeze before letting go.
“Can we go, before we freeze to death?” Quinn asked impatiently.
Cayde and Zane were waiting for me at the corner. Cayde was wearing his jealous face, with his lips pressed into a straight line. I wasn't going to feel sorry though. I cared about Eric differently than I cared about Cayde, but he meant a lot to me too. Cayde would have to get used to that.
When I reached them, I took Cayde's hand and squeezed it, hoping he would be able to feel how special he was to me. He squeezed back, and the way his face relaxed, told me he did.
And to think I used to hate his power.
As we walked down the sidewalk, I couldn't help but admire the immense, snow-dusted buildings on either side of us. New York never fully sleeps, but the streets we were taking tonight held no clubs or greasy food restaurants to attract the night owls. This small piece of the city was resting.
I had thought Manhattan was wonderful the last time I was here, but tonight it was especially enchanting. The snow, the glow of the moon and street lamps, and the vacancy of the usually crowded street made it feel like another world. If I weren't on my way into a life-threatening situation, I would have really enjoyed this walk.
Zane was just ahead of us, so tense that his shoulders were practically touching his ears. Cayde tugged on my hand to quicken our steps, so we could catch up to him.
He put his free arm around Zane's shoulders. “You're going to give yourself a headache if you don't relax.”
“I'm fine. It's just cold.”
“Well, that's a lie,” Cayde said, with a scoff.
Zane quickly turned to him, ready to defend himself. But before he could start, Cayde continued. “There is nothing wrong with being scared right now. In fact, you'd be stupid not to be scared on this walk. I’m pretty damn freaked-out.”
“You are?” He looked up at Cayde, his face appearing younger than I’d ever seen it.
“Definitely. And it's that fear that is going to keep us sharp tonight. Just don't let it paralyze you.”
Zane nodded. He took a deep breath. As he exhaled, he dropped his shoulders. When Cayde took his arm back, Zane looked visibly lighter. The brave kid I’d seen so much of the last few days resurfaced.
Cayde's power had grown so much since he had embraced it, but he never needed it to set the people around him at ease. Everyone looked up to him because of the man he was, all on his own. I admired him so much for that.
He let Zane walk ahead of us again, tightening his hand around mine. Our feet crunched into the snow with each step we took, audible evidence that we were moving closer to the difficult night ahead. I didn't need any special ability to sense that Cayde was telling the truth about being scared.
I had that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you are about to jump off of something that seems too high to jump from, but you have no other choice. Actually, that’s a decent comparison. I had no choice. In fact, I wanted to take this jump. But there was no denying that it would be a hard fall to manage.
The walk ended too quickly. As soon as the building was fully in view, my fingers involuntarily clenched around Cayde's. To the hundreds of people who went past this place every day, it looked like any other Manhattan office building. Towering, rectangular, gray, lined with windows. But knowing what was inside, I saw it differently. I saw an armed fortress, a prison, a monster's lab.
We stopped in the predetermined alleyway near the building’s private parking garage entrance. Cayde checked his watch. “12:56. Eric and Quinn should be here.”
Worry started mounting in my chest. The three of us stared holes into the wall our friends should be coming around.
This night can't have turned to shit already.
When they finally walked around the corner, I almost laughed, sheerly out of relief.
“You're late,” I said, just loud enough for them to hear.
“Someone was walking like an idiot because he wouldn't take his eyes off the 'magical, glowing moon',” Quinn said, glaring at Eric.
Eric gave us a big smile. “You've gotta appreciate the little things in life! It's a beautiful night out there!”
Unlike the rest of us, he was more than ready for this. Now that it was here, he seemed almost like a kid on Christmas morning.
“Shh.” Cayde checked his watch again. “It's time. The cameras should be off.”
We rounded the corner to enter the dark parking garage. Even though it was the middle of the night, there were at least twenty cars scattered throughout the lot. I tried not to worry what that meant about the number of guards inside.
The walk to the other end of the lot took far too long for my comfort. At this point, I just wanted to get the night over with. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I wanted to do it all at once.
We finally reached the door at 1:02 a.m. Eight minutes of clear lobby left; twenty-eight minutes of rigged cameras. Zane pulled on the door. It was locked, as expected. He let out a sigh and said, “Here we go.” Then disappeared.
; Only a moment passed before the door opened.
“Thank you, sir,” Eric said with a nod. He went through the door first. The rest of us quickly filed in after him.
A short hallway led us into the grand lobby. Moonlight poured in through the wall of windows that held the main entrance. It gleamed off of the multi-colored stained glass in the chandelier-style art pieces hanging from the high ceiling.
A dark, marble reception desk (thankfully empty) dominated the room’s back wall. It was framed by two curving staircases that led up to the visible second floor. We had to tread lightly to avoid our footsteps echoing off the granite floors and through the vast room, but we were used to that.
Painfully aware of our limited time, I headed straight for the closest stairs. The second floor was a waiting area. There were comfy chairs, coffee tables, and a door labeled “Employees Only - Stairs” in the corner. We ran for it.
Zane got it open without issue and we took off up the stairs. Once we were climbing, I relaxed the smallest amount. In the closed-off stairwell, I felt much less vulnerable.
We climbed quickly. Seeing the red dot in the center of each camera, that was mounted in the corner on each floor, made me uneasy. But if anyone was looking at the monitors, they weren’t seeing us. If they had been, we would already know it.
On some floors, the sounds of footsteps and conversations came from the other side of the door. But no one noticed us as we quickly tiptoed by. Not wanting to seem unappreciative, I didn't mention aloud that this seemed almost too easy.
I did think it though.
By the time we reached the tenth of eighteen floors, I was beginning to think taking the elevator might have been worth the risk. We were all looking a little worn-out. And our collective breathing was louder than our feet.
Now came the harder part. I had to find the floor we needed to be on. I was sure I would recognize it immediately. But I was going to have to leave the temporary safety of the stairwell on each floor from here up.