by Jane Green
Claire is likely to have dressed her baby girl in something European and expensive. Her taste was always classic, from the best stores in New York. Gabby can’t afford anything like that, but she has been able to put together something that may not be Ralph Lauren but is certainly Ralph Lauren-esque for a fraction of the price. She even swept Henry’s hair to one side with just a touch of gel. He looks ridiculously handsome, and, as nervous as she is to see Claire, she is also proud to show off her beautiful boy.
The library has changed since she was last here, back when Alanna was still a toddler. Years and years ago she and Elliott regularly brought Olivia here for Mother Goose rhymes, sitting cross-legged on the floor with other couples, all of them still in their post-birth haze, while Miss Annie delighted the children with her renditions of ‘Alligator Pie’. The parents eagerly looked around hoping to make friends just like themselves, for all of them were new to town, most having moved from New York when their children were born.
This was where she and Elliott met so many of the people who were their earliest friends here. But then different pre-schools, different grade schools, meant their lives drifted apart. The only friends that remain from that period in their lives are Claire and Tim.
Gabby’s hurt and anger at being abandoned by her best friend during her pregnancy, and the subsequent craziness of looking after a newborn baby as a single mother, at her age, prevented her from thinking much about Claire and Tim and all that they had shared together over so many years. Until now, when even pulling into the car park of the library, a place that holds so many happy memories from so many years ago, is bittersweet.
There is a café in the library now, with a few people dotted around chatting, looking at laptops, reading. Gabby orders a skim cappuccino for herself, and goes to find a chair where she can sit facing the door, nervous, suddenly, at seeing a friend she hasn’t seen for so long.
Until Claire enters, and a lump appears in Gabby’s throat. It’s Claire. Only Claire. So familiar, tears spring to her eyes. Claire stops when she sees Gabby, then Gabby sees there are tears in her eyes too, and the two of them envelop each other in a tight hug, unable to stop smiling even as they are wiping the tears from their cheeks.
‘God, I’ve missed you,’ Claire says. ‘I’m desperate to see the baby. Let me see Henry.’ She coos over Henry, how handsome he is, how different to the girls, remembering everything about Olivia and Alanna when they were tiny, as Gabby coos, in turn, over Isabella.
They swap babies, each bouncing and kissing the other’s child, both delighted at the other’s good fortune in producing such an adorable child, before putting the babies back in their buggies and settling in to catch up.
‘You look amazing,’ Claire says. ‘How on earth did you get your figure back so quickly?’
‘Are you joking?’ Gabby says, looking down at her belly in horror. ‘Look!’ She grabs a handful to prove her point. ‘I’m huge. This stomach’s staying for ever. My bikini days are so long gone it’s not even funny.’
‘Look at mine!’ Claire shows off her tiny pot belly. ‘I don’t even care any more. I haven’t thought about Zumba in a year. I haven’t thought about much other than this little munchkin. I’m totally obsessed. I think it’s because I’m so much older now, and I just can’t believe that at my age I was able to produce such a perfect little thing.’
Gabby grins. ‘So, are you done now?’
‘So done, you have no idea. I could never go through the IVF again. But we’re complete. This is what I always wanted. How about you?’
‘Done,’ she says.
Claire peers at her. ‘And are you as happy as you look?’
‘I think I am. It’s taken a while, but I feel very … peaceful. Content. I did always want another baby, but with Elliott of course, and even though that isn’t how it happened, this little boy has just … completed my heart. I feel complete.’
Claire smiles then takes a deep breath. ‘Listen. We need to talk about what happened between us. I’ve missed you so much, and I want you to know how sorry I am about how I screwed up.’
Gabby says nothing, just listens.
‘I felt utterly torn. I love you and I love Elliott, and I had no idea what to do. I felt, at the time, that because Elliott came to us, because he was living in our house, I had to choose him, and I know, now, how massive a mistake that was. Not choosing Elliott, but making any choice at all. I was so freaked out and hormonal about being put in the middle, that I took the easiest option and cut you off, because I couldn’t cut Elliott off, given he was two rooms down the hall. And I have hated myself for months because of it. It was a disgusting thing to do, and I didn’t even know that you’d agree to meet me today. I thought you probably would, but I know we can’t just jump into our old friendship because of how I let you down. I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry, Gabby. I would do anything to turn the clock back and change my behaviour, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you how ashamed I am, and how sorry, and hope you can find a way to forgive me.’
Gabby nods, looking her friend in the eye, knowing everything she is saying is genuine, heartfelt. Gabby has always known that, as wise as Claire is and how great she is at helping other people sort out their lives, when it comes to her own she is never as clear and she often gets it wrong. But despite knowing that, at the time Claire made the decision that affected them both so disastrously, she was unable to stop herself judging her and hating her for her betrayal.
‘It was a shitty thing to do,’ Gabby echoes quietly. ‘I’m the first to admit I fucked up. I was unfaithful to Elliott, one time, and I ended up with … well, I can’t call Henry a mistake, because he may be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I ended up destroying my life as a result. I was terrified, and devastated, and my best friend turning her back was one of the cruellest blows of all. I was pregnant, and a single mother, with Olivia hating me, and no one to turn to for help. Claire, I still love you, and it’s amazing to see you, but I honestly don’t know how I can get over this. I want to. I’d love nothing more than for the two of us to get back to the friendship we had, but I don’t know how to do that, because you aren’t the person I thought you were. It isn’t about forgiveness – I forgive you. It’s that you’re not the person I thought you were,’ she repeats. ‘There’s a quote I once read, something about people showing you who they are not by what they say, but by what they do.’ She pauses, for tears of shame are now streaming down Claire’s face. ‘I’m sorry. My intention is not to upset you. But if there’s any chance at all of us having some kind of a friendship again, I have to say these things. I have to tell you what it was like for me. I have to be honest about how I feel.’
Claire nods.
‘I don’t know that I can go back to how we were, and I don’t know how to go forward with you. Maybe it will get better over time, but I think, right now, I probably need to go.’
Gabby didn’t expect to feel this. She thought that she would be able to move on, to listen to whatever Claire had to say, and to know that whatever happened was in the past; but she finds she has changed over the months they have not spoken, and has reprioritized the important people in her life.
People show themselves not by what they say but by what they do.
Claire said all the right things, is saying all the right things now, but she abandoned Gabby in her hour of greatest need, and whatever the excuse, however sorry she is now, Gabby cannot feel the same way about her.
‘Wait,’ Claire says, wiping her tears away. ‘I get it. You’re right, and there’s nothing I can say other than you’re right, and I hope things will change over time. I really do. But there’s something else. We have to talk about Elliott.’
Gabby frowns. ‘What about Elliott?’
‘Do you know he split up with Trish?’
‘He did?’ Gabby ignores the small thrill that runs through her body. ‘I didn’t know that. Was he not perfect enough for her?’
‘I think she was a little to
o perfect for him. And he realized he’s still in love with you.’
Gabby’s heart stops still as she stares at Claire. ‘What did you just say?’
‘He’s still in love with you.’
Gabby shakes her head. ‘Claire, if you’re trying to heal the rift between Elliott and me, this isn’t the way to do it. We’ve both moved on, and as lovely as it would be to think there’s still something there between us, there just isn’t. And even if there is, too much has happened.’ Her mind is whirling. ‘Quite apart from the fact that the last thing Elliott wants at this stage of his life is a baby. I know you think you’re trying to help, but you’re not. It’s just not feasible, even if it –’
‘Gabby, stop,’ Claire says urgently. ‘It is true. Elliott knows I’m here. He knows I’m telling you this, and I’m telling you because he can’t do it himself. You’re right, he didn’t want a baby, and he didn’t think he could ever forgive you. Up until a week ago he wanted to pretend that Henry didn’t even exist, and then something happened the other day … you know what I’m talking about, don’t you?’
The lump is back as Gabby nods, remembering how tenderly Elliott held Henry, how his eyes softened, filled with incredulous wonder at this perfect little boy. Years ago, before the girls came along, Elliott always said he wanted at least one little boy.
‘He hadn’t thought any of you could ever find a way back because the baby would be a permanent reminder of what happened to destroy your marriage, but something changed the other day, and he said that seeing you, seeing the girls with Henry, holding Henry, made him realize that you are a family, whether Henry has his blood or not. You’re his family, Gabby. Henry too. Don’t let this fall through your fingers because you don’t believe me, or because you have too much pride, or because you’re dating someone else – who may be cute, but he will never be a patch on Elliott, I promise you. Give him a chance, Gabby,’ she whispers, laying her hand on top of Gabby’s as Gabby starts to cry. ‘Go to him and hear what he has to say. Leave the babies with me, and go now.’
Gabby can’t make sense of what Claire has said. If Elliott does feel that, why doesn’t he come to her himself? Why use Claire, who Gabby hasn’t been in touch with for so long, as the messenger?
And is this his rebound? After things didn’t work out with Trish is he just thinking about her again because she is familiar, the easy option?
But she saw the look in his eyes the other day. She saw that he was over the pain of the betrayal, wasn’t so consumed with hurt that he couldn’t look at the baby, could barely look at Gabby.
In his eyes she saw, she realizes suddenly, something that looked suspiciously like love.
But it’s been so long. So much has happened. And Julian. What about Julian? Julian is so familiar, and so much fun, and so handsome, and so … not her husband.
He is not her husband.
He has not known her for twenty years. He has not seen her at her worst, screaming in frustration over some little inconsequential thing, has not seen her red-faced and sweating in labour, has not seen her being selfish, or thoughtless, or unreasonable. He is not someone who has seen all that but loves her anyway, because he chose her, and he will always honour his commitment to that choice.
I didn’t sleep with him, she thinks with relief. I could have, so easily, and yet it was also so easy not to. Julian is a welcome distraction but, if she is honest with herself, she knows there is little chemistry between them. He would make a wonderful best friend. Maybe he will become a wonderful best friend, but romance is truly not what she is looking for.
Not with Julian.
Elliott is her husband.
He’s still in love with her.
And she is still in love with him.
Gabby pulls up outside the medical offices and takes a deep breath. She isn’t sure what to say, how to say it; she isn’t sure Elliott’s office is the best venue in which to repair what she hopes is still reparable, but she can’t wait any longer. She’s waited long enough.
She walks into the office, chatting briefly with the girls on the desk, all of whom she has known for years, all of whom are as friendly as they have always been, despite knowing she and Elliott are no longer together.
‘He’s stepped out for lunch,’ says Maria. ‘He should be back in about fifteen minutes.’
‘The usual place?’
Maria nods, and Gabby smiles a thank you and heads to the diner across the street. She sees him first, at the counter, hunched over a turkey and Swiss-cheese wrap, reading glasses perched on the end of his nose, paper in front of him, so familiar she actually feels an ache.
Walking over, she sits quietly on the stool next to his, saying nothing, waiting until he turns his head to look over at her, his eyes widening when he sees who it is.
So much has happened between them, there are so many things unspoken, and yet, even now, there is nothing to say. Everything is in Elliott’s face, as he looks into the eyes of the woman he loves; the woman he still wants to be with; the woman he wants to grow old with.
‘Elliott,’ Gabby whispers. It is all she needs to say.
Epilogue
‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Henry … happy birthday to you!’
Matt throws him up in the air, much to Henry’s delight, as Alanna and Olivia start ‘Are you one …’ before the room collapses in laughter, and Matt, Gabby, Elliott and the girls all lean over the one candle to blow it out. Then Gabby takes the cake back into the kitchen to cut slices for all the guests.
‘Can I help?’ Monroe, all endless legs in skinny jeans, messy almond hair and almost unreal gorgeousness, comes in and swipes a big dollop of icing from the cardboard base and sucks it off her finger, Gabby looking on in approval.
‘I thought you models never ate anything? How in the hell do you get to eat dollops of icing and stay the size of a stick?’
Monroe giggles. ‘I’m a total sugar addict. Don’t even talk to me about Reese’s Pieces. I’ve been known to put away a whole bag in a day. But I’m pretty disciplined when I’m working. I’ll juice for days to lose weight for a shoot, then celebrate with a chocolate binge. I know, disgusting. I really shouldn’t admit to it.’
‘You really shouldn’t. I’m so jealous I could kill you.’
‘What are you jealous of?’ Olivia, who has been following Monroe like a lovesick puppy, appears in the kitchen, pretending to be cool, but Gabby knows she’s desperate to become friends with the older girl.
‘Your mom thinks I can eat whatever I want and stay thin, so I was just telling her I have to juice to get into shape for shoots. You have an amazing figure, Olivia, so you don’t have to worry about it.’
Olivia blushes. ‘You think so?’
‘Look at you! You have natural beauty, and –’
‘Ladies? As wonderful as this love fest is, I need help. Here –’ Gabby hands each of them two plates with giant slices of cake – ‘hand these out then come back for more.’
She continues cutting as Josephine comes in to put the kettle on for more tea.
‘This is such a lovely party,’ Josephine says. ‘It’s hard to believe Henry is one already.’
‘I know. Luckily he’s still too young to notice that we’re celebrating a week late rather than on his real birthday – but I didn’t think we could ask people to come over on Christmas Day.’
‘I still can’t get over everything that’s happened in your life and that everyone’s here together. And my God! That Monroe! I can’t stand being in the same room as her, but she’s so adorable you can’t find it in your heart to hate her.’
Gabby laughs. ‘She does seem like a lovely girl. She and Matt look perfect together.’
Josephine peers at her. ‘Doesn’t it feel just a little bit weird? That the father of your child is here with his girlfriend, and your husband?’
Gabby pauses in her cutting of the cake to think about it. It should feel weird. It should, by rights, be awkward,
uncomfortable; but, somehow, aided by the fact that everyone in this family has been open to change, willing to work with circumstances that are unusual, it doesn’t feel wrong.
It feels absolutely right.
As a young girl, with a mother who surrounded herself with people, Gabby shut herself away, feeling as if she didn’t have a family of her own, or at least a family who noticed her.
Here she is, as an adult, not only with a family of her own, but with the type of family that surrounded her as a child, the type of family she never knew she wanted, but the type of family she has spent her life looking for.
They are family through choice, hard work, acceptance and love. They are family because they have found each other, often in the unlikeliest of circumstances, and have chosen to stay together, even when it would have been so much easier to walk the other way.
Matt didn’t think he wanted children until he was much older and had settled down. He and Gabby were a moment in time, a brief obsession that was never destined to be anything more than it was, and shouldn’t, in fact, have even been what it was. When Gabby became pregnant, by rights Elliott was supposed to have left her, and Matt was supposed to want nothing to do with the baby.
Gabby was supposed to be a single mother, struggling to raise her children on her own, working all the hours God sends to provide for them all.
Instead, here she is, slicing up a Carvel ice-cream cake, listening to shouts of laughter from the living room, knowing that in her house, right now, are all the people she loves most in the world.
Elliott comes into the kitchen to grab another bottle of Scotch. He kisses his wife as he passes, tenderly rubbing her back, as if no explosions had happened to blow apart their happiness, as if, in fact, they are newly-weds, which is how he so often feels, now that he, they, have been given a second chance.
Olivia, who at eighteen has come through the teenage years and is a young woman, beautiful, naturally beautiful, in a way Gabby never was, is getting ready to go off to college.