Then, after everyone had laughed again over this story, Bernardo added:
‘A very entertaining source of practical jokes, as well as of jests, is to be found in the pretence that one understands that a man wishes to do something which he most certainly does not. For example, one evening after supper I was walking over the bridge at Lyons and joking with Cesare Beccadello, when we began to seize each other’s arms as if we meant to wrestle, at a moment when except for us the bridge seemed to be deserted. However, while we were playing in this way, two Frenchmen appeared on the scene, and when they saw our dispute, asked what was wrong and were stopping to try to separate us, convinced that we were quarrelling in earnest. At this, straight away, I cried out: “Please help me, for at certain phases of the moon this poor gentleman goes out of his mind. And see what’s happening now: he’s even trying to throw himself off the bridge into the river.” Thereupon the two men approached at a run and helped me to take hold of Cesare, grasping him very tightly; and all the while he was telling me that I was mad, as he exerted more force to shake them off, only to have them restrain him all the more. As a result, a crowd gathered to see the tumult, and as Cesare lashed out more and more with his hands and feet (for he was by now getting very angry) so more and more people ran up to see what was happening. And the harder he fought, the more they grew convinced that he wanted to jump into the river, and the more they restrained him. So at length a large number of men carried him bodily into the inn, all dishevelled and without his hat and pale with shame and anger, since whatever he said was of no avail, partly because those Frenchmen did not understand a word and partly because as I led them to the inn I kept lamenting over the misfortune of the poor fellow who was out of his wits.
‘Well, as we have seen, there is a great deal to say about practical jokes; but let it suffice to repeat that they arise from the same circumstances as witticisms and pleasantries. So we could give any number of examples from our own day-to-day experiences. Then there are many amusing ones to be found in Boccaccio’s stories, such as those played by Bruno and Buffalmacco on their friend Calandrino* and on master Simone, and many other really neat and clever jokes played by women. I have known many amusing practical jokers in my time; and among the others whom I recall is a certain Sicilian student I knew at Padua called Ponzio. On one occasion, seeing a peasant with a pair of plump capons he pretended that he wanted to buy them, struck a bargain, and then said that the man should accompany him home since as well as paying him his price he would give him some lunch. So he took the peasant to a certain place where there was a bell-tower standing apart from the church, so that one could walk round it, and a little street which ended directly opposite one of the four sides of the tower. When they arrived, having already thought out what he meant to do, Ponzio said to the peasant: “I have wagered these capons with a friend of mine who says that this tower is at least forty feet around, whereas I say it is not. And just before I ran into you I had bought this string to measure it; so before we go home I would like to settle which of us has won. So saying, he drew the string from his sleeve, gave the peasant one end of it to hold and added: “Now let me hold them” as he took the capons and then, as if he meant to measure the distance, started to walk round the tower with the other end of the string. The peasant was left holding his end of the string at the spot on the other side to where the little street came to an end; and when Ponzio arrived there, he drove a nail into the wall, tied the string to it, and then, very softly, stole away up the street, with the capons in his hand. For quite some time the peasant stood there waiting for him to finish measuring; and at length, after he had cried out a few times: “What’s keeping you so long?” he decided to go and see for himself, only to find that it was not Ponzio holding the string but a nail fixed in the wall, which was all the payment he had for his capons. Ponzio played endless practical jokes of this kind. But there have been many other comedians like him, such as Gonnella, Meliolo when he was living, our own Fra Mariano and Fra Serafino who are here now, and many more whom you all know. And, to be sure, this style of humour is laudable in those who have no other occupation; but the practical jokes played by the courtier should, I think, be rather less scurrilous. One must also take care not to let one’s practical jokes degenerate into simple fraud (as we see in the case of many wicked men who go about the world using various wiles to make money, and pretending now one thing and now another) or become too ruthless. And in this as in everything else the courtier should above all show respect and reverence for women, especially if there is any question of impugning their honour.’
Then signor Gaspare said: ‘Without doubt, Bernardo, you are too partial to women. And why do you want men to show more respect to women than women to men? Isn’t our honour perhaps as dear to us as theirs is to them? Do you really think, then, that women should wound men with their jests and japes without any restraint at all, and that men should suffer in silence and thank them for the privilege?’
To this, Bernardo replied: ‘I am not saying that in their pleasantries and practical jokes women should not show to men the respect we have already mentioned; but I do say that they may impugn a man’s virtue more freely than he may insult theirs. And this is because we ourselves, as men, have made it a rule that a dissolute way of life is not to be thought evil or blameworthy or disgraceful, whereas in women it leads to such complete opprobrium and shame that once a woman has been spoken ill of, whether the accusation be true or false, she is utterly disgraced for ever. Thus since even to mention a woman’s honour carries the risk of doing grave harm, I say that we should refrain from this and get at them in some other way; for if our pleasantries and practical jokes are too ruthless, we exceed the bounds that we have already described as suitable for a gentleman.’
After Bernardo had paused a moment at this point, signor Ottaviano Fregoso said with a laugh:
‘Signor Gaspare could tell you that this rule you say we have made ourselves is not perhaps as unreasonable as you imagine. For since women are very imperfect creatures, and of little or no dignity compared with men, they are incapable in themselves of performing any virtuous act, and so it was necessary, through shame and fear of disgrace, to place on them a restraint which might foster some good qualities. And it appeared that more necessary than anything else was chastity, so that we could be certain of our own children. In consequence it was essential to bring to bear every kind of skill and art, and all means possible, to make women remain pure, and to allow them to be of little worth in all other things and always to do the opposite of what they should. Therefore as they are allowed to commit all other sins without being blamed, if we try to nettle them with regard to all those defects which, as we said, they are allowed to possess without incongruity, and to which they pay little heed, we shall never inspire laughter: for you have already stated that laughter is inspired by certain things that are incongruous.’
Then the Duchess remarked: ‘You speak about women in this fashion, signor Ottaviano, and yet you complain that they do not love you?’
‘I do not complain about that,’ answered signor Ottaviano. ‘On the contrary, I thank them for it, since by not loving me they do not oblige me to love them. Besides I am not giving my own opinion but merely saying that signor Gaspare could use these arguments.’
Then Bernardo said: ‘To be sure, it would be a great achievement for women if they could win over to their side two such enemies as you and signor Gaspare.’
‘I am not an enemy of theirs,’ continued signor Gaspare, ‘but you are certainly an enemy of men; for if you still insist that women should not have their honour impugned, you should also impose on them the rule that they should not impugn men with regard to something as shameful in us as unchastity is in women. And why was it not as seemly for Alonso Carrillo to make the retort he did to signora Bobadilla, about his hoping to save his life if she took him for her husband, as it was for her to remark previously that all who knew him thought the King was going to have him hange
d? And why was it not as allowable for Ricciardo Minutoli to deceive Filippello’s wife and cause her to go to the bathhouse as it was for Beatrice to make her husband Egano get out of bed and be given a beating by Anichino, when she had been sleeping with him for some time?* Or for that other woman to tie a string to her toe and make her husband believe she was someone else? For you claim that these practical jokes played by women in Boccaccio are so neat and clever.’
Bernardo smiled at this and replied: ‘Gentlemen, since it was my task to discuss only pleasantries, I will not go any further than that, and I think that I have already explained why it does not seem fitting to me to impugn the honour of women either by what we say or what we do, or to impose on them the rule that they should not take advantage of men whenever they are vulnerable. I maintain that with regard to the practical jokes and witticisms that you, signor Gaspare, have cited, what Alonso said to signora Bobadilla, even though it does touch to some extent on the question of chastity, does not displease me, since it is so round about and subtle that it can be interpreted ingenuously, and he could therefore have dissimulated and claimed that he did not mean it in that way at all. However, Alonso did once say something else which, in my opinion, was most unseemly; namely, when the Queen was passing signora Bobadilla’s house Alonso noticed that the door was decorated with charcoal drawings of those lecherous animals that are found painted in so many ways about the inns, and going up to the Countess of Castagneto, he said: “See, madam, the heads of the beasts that signora Bobadilla kills every day in the hunt.” Now although the metaphor was ingenious and cleverly derived from the way hunters for their glory mount the heads of dead animals on their doors, yet it is scurrilous and shameful; moreover, it was not even meant as a retort, which would be far more seemly as being justified by provocation therefore surely spontaneous. However, to return to the question of the practical jokes played by women, I do not say that they are right to deceive their husbands but I do maintain that some of the deceptions done by women that we read about in Giovanni Boccaccio are very neat and clever, especially the ones you yourself have mentioned. All the same, in my opinion, Ricciardo Minutoli’s joke goes too far and is far more wounding than the one played by Beatrice, seeing that Minutoli took much more from the wife of Filippello than Beatrice did from her husband; for Ricciardo, by means of a trick, violated the woman and made her do of herself something she had no wish to do, whereas Beatrice tricked her husband in order to do of her own free will something she wished.’
Then signor Gaspare said: ‘Beatrice can be excused on no other grounds except those of love, and this should hold good for men just as much as for women.’
‘Indeed,’ replied Bernardo, ‘the emotions of love provide great excuse for every kind of fault. Nevertheless, for myself I consider that any gentleman of worth who is in love ought to be sincere and honest in this, as in everything else; and if the betrayal, even of an enemy, can be properly held to be a base and hateful crime, consider how much worse a crime is the betrayal of someone we love. And I believe that why every tender lover endures so many toils and vigils, exposes himself to so many dangers, sheds so many tears, and tries by so many ways and means to please his love is not principally to win her body but to conquer the fortress of her mind and to break those hard diamonds and melt that cold ice, which are often found in the gentle breasts of women. And this, I believe, is the true and perfect pleasure and the goal aimed at by every noble soul. And certainly, for my part, if I were in love I would rather wish to know for sure that the lady I served returned my love from her heart and had given me her soul, if I had no other satisfaction, than to enjoy her to the full against her will; for in that case I would think myself the possessor of a lifeless body. Therefore those who pursue their desires by means of tricks, that should rather be called treacheries instead, do injury to others, nor, when they possess the body without the will, do they find the satisfaction that ought to be desired in love. I hold the same to be true of those others who in love make use of enchantments, charms, sometimes force, sometimes sleeping potions and other such things. And you must know that gifts greatly diminish the pleasures of love, for they lead one to doubt whether the lady is truly in love or is merely putting on a show for the gains it brings her. This is why the love of a great lady is prized so much, since it seems that its only motive must be genuine and true emotion, nor is it to be believed that a great lady would ever pretend to love her inferior if she did not truly do so.’
‘I do not deny,’ Gaspare answered, ‘that the purpose, the toils and the perils of lovers should have as their principal aim the conquest of a woman’s soul rather than her body. But I maintain that these deceptions, which you call treacheries in men and tricks in women, are the best means to the end, since whoever possesses a woman’s body also wins her soul. And, if you remember, Filippello’s wife, after complaining so much over the way she had been deceived by Ricciardo, realized how much more she savoured the kisses of her lover than those of her husband and, her coldness towards Ricciardo having turned into sweet affection, from that day on she loved him most tenderly. So you see how what it had been impossible to achieve through constant attentions, gifts and so many other affectionate tokens, was in next to no time won by his lying with her. Was it not the case, therefore, that in this instance trickery, or if you wish treachery, proved the sure way to capture the fortress of her soul?’
To this Bernardo replied: ‘Your premise is completely false, since if women must always yield their souls to those who possess their bodies, then it would be impossible to find a single one who did not love her husband more than anyone else in the world; and this is far from true. However, like you, Giovanni Boccaccio was a wicked enemy of women.’
Gaspare retorted: ‘I am no enemy of theirs. Still, there are very few men of worth who have much respect for women by and large, though occasionally for their own purposes they pretend the contrary.’
‘You are doing wrong not only to women,’ replied Bernaro, d ‘but also to all the men who respect them. However, as I said, for the moment I do not wish to stray from my original subject in order to embark on such a difficult enterprise as the defence of women against so mighty a warrior as you. So I shall end my speech, which has perhaps been far longer than was called for and certainly less entertaining than you expected. And since I see the ladies staying so quiet and bearing the wrongs you do them so patiently, from now on I shall hold for true a part of what signor Ottaviano said, namely, that they do not mind what other evil things are said of them as long as their chastity is not impugned.’
At this, seeing the Duchess making a sign, a large number of the ladies present rose to their feet and, laughing, they all ran towards signor Gaspare as if to rain blows on him and treat him as the Bacchantes* treated Orpheus, saying at the same time: ‘Now you shall see whether we care whether evil things are said about us.’
Partly because of the laughter, and partly because all had risen to their feet, it then seemed that the drowsiness that had overtaken some was dispelled from their eyes and minds. And then signor Gaspare began to say:
‘There, you see, as they are not in the right they resort to force, wanting to end the discussion just as the Bracceschi would.’†
Then signora Emilia said: ‘You will not succeed in your plan, for when you saw that Bernardo was tired from talking so long you began to say so much evil about women in the belief that no one would contradict you: but now we shall appoint a fresh champion who will fight with you so that your crime doesn’t go unpunished.’
And turning to the Magnifico Giuliano, who had so far said little, she added:
‘You are reputed to be the defender of women’s honour; so now it is time for you to demonstrate that you have not earned this title undeservedly. And if in the past you have ever been rewarded for your service, you must now consider that by taking this bitter enemy of ours to task you will put all women so much in your debt that even if they devote themselves utterly to repaying it the debt
will last for ever and never be wiped out.’
The Book of the Courtier Page 22