by Marci Bolden
The moment the mailman brought a package to the door, the last bit of the daze she’d been in cleared. Katie’s remains had arrived, and with them Caroline’s anger revealed itself. Anger that ran so deep Caroline was shaken by what she felt.
John had opened the box, pulled back the paper that protected the contents, and lifted out the silver urn. Caroline clenched her fists so hard her nails dug into her palms as he set the small container on the coffee table. The storm inside her started raging again.
She was torn between needing to break down and mourn for her daughter and ripping her husband to shreds for what he’d done to their little girl.
The fury she felt for John grasped her, a hatred so strong, she was questioning how long she could control it. She was going to hurt him. She was going to snap. She was going to kill him. The urge to shove a knife into his chest grew with every noise he made, every time he dared to cry as if he weren’t responsible for Katie’s death, every time he reached out to Caroline for comfort.
Her loathing was consuming her.
John choked out a sob as he lowered his face, and Caroline imagined wrapping her hands around his throat and squeezing. After he sniffled a few times, he ran his fingers over the engravement.
Kathryn Elizabeth Bowman
Born June 5, 1989
Died June 22, 1995
Seeing her beautiful girl’s name on the tiny urn broke through the hatred, and Caroline let go of the rage as the other emotions won out. Sadness overtook her, filled her, filled every bit of her and forced its way out. She didn’t want to cry in front of John, she didn’t want him getting the idea he could console her, but she couldn’t stop the sobs that rose in her chest and pushed their way out.
John didn’t try to comfort her, however. He didn’t touch her. He sat and brushed his fingers across Katie’s name over and over. “We should pack now,” he said. “We’ll leave in the morning. I have it all mapped out.”
She jerked her face to him. He was serious. All his ramblings about scattering Katie’s ashes… That wasn’t one of John’s big talks, one of his unkept promises. He really wanted to take all they had left of Katie and toss her to the wind.
Caroline tried to argue, to tell him he wasn’t going to throw Katie away, but the words stuck in her throat. He put the urn down and pushed himself up.
Once he was gone, Caroline looked at the urn, the little teddy bear carved into the surface and filled with pink dye. She wiped her face, but fresh tears replaced the old as she pictured Katie limp on a hospital bed. The horrific scene of finding her daughter lifeless played in her mind over and over until John carried two suitcases out of the bedroom and set them by the door.
“I packed your bag,” he said without looking at her. “Get some sleep, Caroline.”
She stared at the bags. One for him, one for her. There should have been one for Katie—a purple bag with pom-poms and glitter. That backpack was hanging on the back of Katie’s door with nothing inside—no clothes, no books or toys to keep her occupied on the vacation they’d planned but would never take.
Now John wanted to take the trip and leave Katie behind along the way. Like hell he would. Caroline might have been too weak to protect Katie when she was alive, but Caroline would be damned if she’d let John take her daughter from her again. With her anger reignited, Caroline grabbed the urn off the table and carried it with her to Katie’s room, where she used the purple pom-pom and glitter-covered backpack to gather a few of Katie’s things and then carefully put the urn inside and zipped it shut. She grabbed her purse and the suitcase John had packed with who the hell knew what and left.
Caroline walked out of that shithole of a house, left her bastard of a husband, and didn’t even consider looking back. She headed straight for the hospital. Her boss deserved to be told she was leaving, even if she had no idea where she was going. Caroline tapped into that autopilot thing she had mastered years ago as she drove the few miles to work and walked to the nurse’s station. They all looked at her, shocked but sympathetic.
“Where’s Eve?” Caroline asked.
“I’ll page her,” one of the other nurses said. As she lifted the phone from the cradle, she flicked her eyes up. Caroline was tempted to snap at her. They’d all spent so much time whispering behind her back about her failed marriage, no doubt they were all whispering now about her dead daughter. Instead of engaging, she walked away.
Caroline eased into a chair and considered that she didn’t care where she ended up. She could drive and drive until the world swallowed her, and she’d still be better off than living in that hollow house with her drunk of a husband. Or in jail because she gave in to the desire to slit his throat.
“Caroline?”
She tried to smile as she looked up, but the kindness in Eve’s dark eyes did her in. Tears resurfaced and Caroline’s lip trembled. She lowered her face, unable to look at the woman who had been as kind and generous as a boss could be, given how challenging John had made Caroline’s life. Several months before Katie had died, Eve’s kindness had reached an end. She’d told Caroline that if she walked in late one more time, she’d be fired.
Caroline hadn’t been late again. Until the day Katie died.
“I’m leaving,” Caroline said to her clutched hands.
Eve put her hand on the side of Caroline’s head. “I’m not surprised, honey.”
“I should have…”
“Should haves don’t change anything. Don’t do that to yourself. You’ve been through enough without thinking about should haves.” Eve stroked Caroline’s head with a tenderness that reminded her of her mother-in-law.
Frannie. She should tell Frannie she was leaving. But Frannie would try to stop her, and Caroline would let her. No. She had to run while she had the strength. Once her weakness took hold of her again, she’d never be able to leave.
“You go,” Eve said, “and start a new life for yourself. Call me next week. Let me know where to have your last paycheck sent, okay? You’ll need it.”
Caroline simply nodded.
Eve kneeled in front of her, grasped her hands, and waited until Caroline managed to meet her eyes. “Why don’t you stay with me tonight, honey? Leave in the morning with a full stomach and a clearer head.”
“That’s nice, but…” Caroline shook her head. “I don’t sleep anyway, so I’d rather… I need to go before… He’ll pull me back in. I can’t let him do that. Not after…”
“Okay.” Eve didn’t argue because she knew Caroline was right. If John talked her into staying, she’d never leave. The cycle would continue until Caroline never found a way out. “Wait here.”
Eve disappeared from Caroline’s line of sight. She took the opportunity to wipe her cheeks. She didn’t dare look up, though she was certain people were looking at her. Co-workers who undoubtedly had spent more than their share of time over the last two weeks commenting how they weren’t surprised that Caroline’s daughter had died. Co-workers who had loved to gossip about her broken marriage and troubled life. People filled with I-told-you-sos instead of compassion for a woman who’d lost her child. People like her parents. Caroline kept her face down. Not wanting to see their judgement.
Within a few minutes, Eve returned and held out some folded-over cash. Caroline started to object. She hadn’t come for a handout. She’d simply wanted to quit in person.
“Take it,” Eve insisted. “It’s not much, but it will get you a tank of gas and something to eat.”
“Thank you,” Caroline said, accepting the offer.
As soon as Caroline had stood and stuffed the cash into her pocket, Eve pulled her into a big hug.
“Thank you for always being so kind to me,” Caroline whispered.
“You go find yourself a better life. You deserve it.” Eve, more than any of the know-it-all gossipmongers at the hospital, knew the hell John had been putting Caroline through. The drinking, the arguing, the manipulations. Eve had called it emotional abuse, but Caroline had never allowed her
self to believe that. That made her sound like a victim, and she didn’t want that. Foolish. Irresponsible. Those were better than victim.
But she supposed none of those labels mattered now. Now that Katie was gone, Caroline had lost the one label she cared about—Mama.
Nobody was going to call her Mama now.
“Please let me know where you end up,” Eve said, pulling back. “I don’t want to worry about you.”
“I will,” Caroline said. “Thank you for everything you’ve done.”
Eve smiled sweetly, and Caroline turned away. She was headed for the elevator when someone grabbed her hand and stopped her. She turned, and her already broken heart shattered even more as she met Simon’s sad brown eyes. He didn’t say a word before pulling her into a vacant room.
Another time, a lifetime ago, Caroline had slipped into a room to cry alone after a confrontation with Eve about her tardiness, and Simon had followed her. He’d comforted her, and they’d started an affair that led to Simon asking Caroline to leave her husband. Caroline hadn’t. She’d left Simon instead. A decision she had certainly come to regret. She half expected him to point out her mistake, but Simon was better than that.
He put his hands to her face, as he’d done so many times before, and searched her eyes. “What can I do?” he asked, almost desperately. “How can I help you through this?”
She fell into his chest. His arms tightened around her, giving her the security she needed to let her pain pour out. She sobbed into his chest until her lungs hurt. His hold on her was unrelenting. His arms had become the safest place in her world, and she’d walked away from him. Instead of throwing that in her face, he was offering the most comfort she’d found since losing her daughter.
She didn’t know how long they stood like that, but he eventually eased his embrace.
“I’m leaving,” she whispered.
“Where?”
“I don’t know, but I can’t stay.”
“You can stay with me,” he said.
She shook her head. “I can’t. Simon, I’m sorry, but… I have to get out of here. Out of Dayton. Away from him.”
“Okay,” he said when her voice cracked.
He kissed her head, pulled her close. “I haven’t sold my house in St. Louis yet. I can call the real estate agent and let them know I’m pulling the listing. Stay there as long as you need. I can put in a good word for you at the hospital where I worked. I’m sure they can find a spot for you.”
The guilt Caroline felt for ending their affair returned. He was such an extraordinary man, the kind of man she should have held out for instead of getting tangled in the web of John Bowman. She would have had the life Simon had offered her—a beautiful house and a life with him and Katie. All her dreams would have come true instead of the nightmare she was living.
But she’d walked out on him, and instead of letting her fall, he was offering her the first hope she’d felt in weeks.
“Please say yes, Caroline,” Simon begged. “Please let me help you.”
She nodded, unable to speak. He hugged her to him again.
“I love you so much,” he whispered. “And I’m so, so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Once again, she clung to him, sobbing uncontrollably and wishing she’d accepted his help months ago.
The late summer sun burned bright orange as it sank into the west. Carol sat, staring at the rapidly changing colors painting the sky, but her mind was elsewhere. Simon Miller. She was going to see Simon Miller again.
She’d never expected that to happen. Now that the reunion was inevitable, excitement was building in her. A search of the children’s hospital website on her phone confirmed there was a page for the staff. She hadn’t clicked on the link that would take her to Simon’s biography and, likely, a recent photo of her former lover. She hadn’t seen his face in years and wasn’t sure she was ready to again, even if it was simply a digital image.
She’d spent the last twenty years happily married, yet part of her was hesitant to learn if he’d done the same. Of course he’d married. He’d been very clear to her that he wanted a family. He would have found someone who could commit to him and give him the life he’d wanted with her. She hoped he had, anyway. He deserved to be happy. He deserved all the happiness Caroline hadn’t been able to give him.
Though she hadn’t had a single picture of him, she could see his face clearly in her mind. His soft brown eyes, the same color as his hair, lit whenever he and Caroline talked about the future they’d never have. His smile was wide, exposing slightly crooked teeth, as he leaned toward to his patients to ease their anxieties by telling silly jokes before he started an exam. The attention he had shown sick kids was one of the many things she’d found attractive about him.
When they’d met, he had never been married and had no children, but when he talked about being a family with her, he meant her and Katie. Katie was always in his thoughts when he talked about how happy they could be.
If she’d had the courage to leave John, she and Simon would have built a good life together. As always, though, when she thought of how things could have been, she reminded herself that if she changed the past, she wouldn’t have had Tobias. And she’d loved that man.
“Just do it,” Judith said as she sat next to Carol.
Carol looked over. “What?”
“You think we don’t know what’s been distracting you since lunch?” She gestured toward the phone in Carol’s hand. “Do it. Cyberstalk the man.”
She giggled. “Cyberstalk?”
“Isn’t that the term?”
She nodded. “Yeah, Mom, that’s the term.” She bit her lip. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous to find out what he’s been up to, but I am.”
“Well, you’re going to find out one way or another. Might as well do it now instead of stressing about it until you see him.”
Her mother had a point. Carol clicked the link and waited while Simon’s biography loaded. The moment the page displayed his photo, she smiled. His hair was more gray than brown now and the creases around his eyes and between his brows had grown deeper, but his eyes were still as kind and his smile as infectious. He was still gorgeous as hell, and her heart still skipped a beat when she saw him.
Judith peered at the phone. “Oh, he’s handsome.”
“Yeah,” Carol said. “He always was.”
“Charming?” Judith asked, as if that would explain how Carol had ended up having an affair with him.
“He was charming but sincere.” She looked at her mom. “His charms were natural. Not…manipulative. He took care of me. I was in a bad place even before Katie died. I was struggling to keep myself together. He saw that and helped me.”
“I’m glad,” Judith said.
“The reason I ended up in St. Louis was because Simon had a house there. He got me a job. He gave me the ability to move on. If it hadn’t been for him…” She let her words fade because she didn’t know what would have happened to her if it weren’t for Simon. A strange sense of fear settled in her heart. If it hadn’t been for him, she likely never would have recovered. “He saved me,” she said, knowing it was true.
“Well, thank God for him, then.”
Carol nodded as she skimmed his biography, to be left with the same unanswered questions. There was no mention of a wife or children. She suspected if she called her sister-in-law, Lara would have all the information she could find on the man in a matter of minutes. Lara was an ace at cyberstalking, as Judith had called it.
“When I was—” Judith stopped abruptly.
Thankful for the distraction, Carol dropped her phone into her lap and focused on her mother. Judith had the same look on her face she’d had before she’d confessed to getting treatment for depression. An internal debate was waging. Did she want to say what had almost slipped out? Carol had to wonder if she wanted to hear it.
“When I was seventeen,” Judith said, looking up at the sunset, “I met a boy. His name was Glen. He’d dropped out o
f school in eighth grade and become a mechanic. That was common back then. Men had to work to support their families even before they were grown. He was the most handsome boy I’d ever seen. We became inseparable.” Judith’s smile spread. “I was so in love with him.”
Carol smiled too. Seeing her mom so serene warmed her heart. Rare were the times when Judith didn’t seem to be on edge. As she spoke now, the aura around her softened.
“What was he like?” Carol asked.
“Wild,” Judith stated and laughed softly. “He made me feel…”
“Alive,” Carol said.
Judith nodded. “He wasn’t afraid of living, and he had this way of making me want to live too. He wasn’t concerned with being proper and doing what society told him. He was free from all that, and I wanted to be free like him. He was the one person who made me feel good about myself. I wanted more of that.”
Carol chuckled. “He was your John.”
Judith lowered her eyes for several moments before shrugging. “I suppose he was. I wasn’t as strong as you, Carol. I wasn’t as brave.” Sadness filled her eyes as she eyed her daughter. “I let my friends convince me I could do better. I ended things with Glen and…”
“And married Dad.”
Judith returned her focus to the sky. “Dennis wasn’t… He didn’t have the spark Glen had, but he was steady and sensible. He was able to provide for us, Carol. And sometimes that’s more important.”
A slight jolt rolled through Carol. “Wait a minute. You said you met Glen when you were seventeen.” Carol’s mouth fell open as a smirk twitched at her mother’s lips. “Mom! You started dating Dad when you were fifteen.”
A mischievous little giggle left Judith. “I told you you’re more like me than you want to admit.”
Rolling her head back, Carol laughed. “Oh, my God! Did Dad know?”
Judith’s amusement shifted to something sadder in an instant. “Glen and I had a meeting spot outside of town. I thought I was very clever, but your dad had grown suspicious. He followed me one night.”
Carol gasped. “Uh-oh.”