"Always the little diplomat." Drake smiled. "It's all right; I don't mind," he said, and then he fixed his eyes on me more intensely than ever. "When I look at you now, I do see Heaven. I see the warm, loving face that was pressed against mine when I was small and afraid, lonely and lost. I see the love in those blue eyes that gave me comfort just when I needed comfort most in my life. I never told you how good I feel when I'm with you, Annie."
"I'll always be your friend, Drake. After all, I'm your niece." Reminding him of our relationship made him wince.
"I know." He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, lingering there the way Tony often did. Then he straightened up.
"Well, I better be going. I have to catch up on some business at the office so that I can take most of tomorrow off, too, now." He stood up.
"Drake, don't forget about Luke," I cried.
"Right. Oh, there was one more thing I brought," he said, reaching into his suit jacket's inside pocket. "I thought . . somehow, for some reason, one day you might want to get dressed up here. Who knows, maybe Tony will throw a party for you after you've recuperated enough to leave . . . whatever. Anyway, I brought this along." He took out the black jewelry case that contained the diamond necklace and matching earrings that had belonged to my greatgrandmother Jillian.
"Oh, Drake, you shouldn't have brought that. It's too valuable."
"So? This place isn't exactly open for grabs, and I knew how much this meant to you. Surely, just having it nearby will bring you some comfort, won't it?" he asked hopefully. I smiled and nodded.
"Yes, I suppose so. I'm sorry. Thank you for thinking of me, Drake. I know I sound selfish and unappreciative sometimes."
"Oh no, Annie, you are the most selfless person I know. When I think of you, I think of . . of someone pure and beautiful, like brilliant candlelight." Once again he looked at me intensely. I could say nothing. His words brought a lump into my throat and sent my heart thumping. "Well," he finally said, putting the black jewelry case beside me on the bed, "I'd better get on the road. See you right after lunch tomorrow."
"Good night, Drake. And thank you for all you've done."
"Are you kidding, Annie. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Just remember that."
He blew me a kiss and then left, quickly assuming the gait of a busy executive with one crisis after another on his mind. I sat back on the pillow chair and looked down at the black jewelry case. Then I opened it and took out the diamond necklace. How it sparkled! The memory of my birthday rose up within Fe and I recalled Mommy's face when she held this necklace out to me. Her eyes were full of such pride and love.
I clutched the necklace to my bosom and thought I felt its warmth, a warmth handed down from her grandmother to her and from her to me. I didn't realize I was crying until the tears fell from my cheeks and splattered like warm drops of summer rain on my chest and bosom. Swallowing hard, I put the necklace back into the case and closed it. Drake was right. It was comforting to have it nearby.
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and looked at the two charm bracelets on the bed. Then I took the smaller but more precious one to me, and put it on my wrist. The sight of it made me smile.
What had Drake said . Aunt Fanny was on the gazebo? Luke's and my magical place? Those days seemed so long ago now, the fantasy days. Maybe if I were back there, if they put me on the gazebo, I would lean on Luke's arm and I would suddenly walk again. How the doctor would laugh if I suggested it, but I knew that sometimes a little make-believe can truly be magical. Luke believed it, and when two people believe so strongly in something, it could come true.
Luke. How I needed his comfort, his smile, his optimistic reassurance. More than that, I longed for his lips against my cheek and I remembered each and every time we had kissed, even when we were only small children.
As I thought of him, I embraced myself, imagining him beside me, his fingers twirling my hair, his eyes so close to mine as we gazed longingly at each other, tormented by our desire and our forbidden love at the same time.
Thinking about him this way warmed my body and made it feel alive again. Surely if visions of Luke loving me had such a wonderful effect, it couldn't be all bad, I reasoned. With Luke at my side, I would overcome this tragedy. Fate had placed those everpresent tall mountains in my path, but I would do as Luke always advised--I would go deliberately for the tall ones.
"Because, Annie," I heard him whisper, "the view is always better. Go for the tall ones." tut now Luke seemed the tallest mountain of all.
I looked up at my empty room. I could hear people talking and moving about downstairs. Drake was saying good-bye to someone. A door was closed. A gust of wind whistled through some shutters. And then it was quiet again.
Oh, Luke, I thought, what could possibly be your reason for not moving heaven and earth to see me?
SIXTEEN Crippled!
.
"I have a wonderful surprise for you," Tony announced. By the way he was standing in the doorway, just off to the side, I thought the surprise would surely be Luke's appearance; but it was something else. "You're going to have to come out of your room to see it. It's time to start for the cemetery, anyway."
I turned to Mrs. Broadfield, who was folding the towels she used during my massages. Her face was blank and as unmoving as a mask. Yet, still I sensed that she knew what the surprise was.
"Come out?" He nodded, and I started to wheel myself toward the door. I was wearing my mother's black dress and the charm bracelet Luke had given me. Renee, the hairdresser, returned late in the morning to comb out my hair. Mrs. Broadfield had not reduced my morning therapy because of the service to be held at my parents' monument, but either she was right about my growing tolerance and strength or I was just determined not to be tired because of it.
Tony stepped back, indicating I should keep going glanced at Mrs. Broadfield to see if she would be coming along, too, but she continued to do her work in my room, appearing to be uninterested in anything else. Tony helped me turn to the left and start down the long corridor. Soon I saw Parson, the grounds worker who had set up my television set, and another man, also dressed in coveralls, standing at the top of the stairway. I looked back quizzically at Tony, who was now pushing me along with a Cheshire-cat grin on his face.
And then I saw his surprise.
He had had an elevator chair installed so I could wheel myself to the top of the stairway, slide into the chair, press a button, and have myself lowered slowly down the stairway to the first floor.
"Now it will be very easy to take you up and down the stairway, Tony said. "And very soon, I'm sure, you will be moving yourself from floor to floor. I'll have a second wheelchair waiting for you below."
I stared at the mechanical device for a moment. I knew Tony was disappointed in my reaction, but I couldn't help it. Things like this only confirmed my invalid state and suggested that my recuperation was a long way off.
"But Tony," I said, "soon be walking myself!
You've gone through this tremendous expense for nothing!"
"Oh, is that what you're worried about? No problem. This is a rental agreement. We use it as long as we need it and no longer. As for the second chair-- I assure you, that's no major expense for me. Now," he added, slapping his hands together, "it's time for our first test flight, eh? That is, with you as the passenger.
I've already tried it and it held my weight well, so there won't be any problem with its holding you."
I looked back to see if Mrs. Broadfield was going to assist in this, but she still hadn't come out of my room. From my seated position in the wheelchair, the stairway looked awfully steep and long.
"Just roll yourself alongside the mechanical chair," Tony instructed, "lift the left arm of your chair and slide yourself into it. The idea is for you to be able to do this yourself."
Fear began to swell in me like a great dark symphony booming through my blood. I felt a cold sweat break out over the back of my neck. And I could feel myself fall
ing, tumbling down that great marble staircase, crumpled at the bottom.
Parson and the man beside him watched me with concerned, sympathetic eyes. I smiled as bravely as I could and began to wheel myself alongside the mechanical chair. I struggled to loosen the arm of my chair. It seemed to stick a bit, but no one offered any help. I imagined this was all part of the test--to see if I could do it all myself. Finally I detached the arm and began pulling myself into the mechanical chair.
"Once you get securely in, miss," the man beside Parson said, "you strap yourself with this safety belt, same way you would in a car."
Just the mention of "car" sent my heart fluttering. My chest tightened so, I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe. Where was Mrs. Broadfield? Why wasn't this important enough for her to be right beside me?
"Oh, Tony, I don't know if I can do this," I wailed.
"Sure you can. Don't you want to be able to go downstairs and wheel yourself into my office? Eventually you'll be able to come to the dining room table for dinner and sit where your mother used to sit. And surely you want to go about the grounds."
"When you're ready, miss," the man said, "just press that red button on the right arm and it will begin to lower you. The black one will raise you." "Go ahead," Tony cheered.
With trepidation I pressed the red button and closed my eyes. "Go for the tall ones," Luke was telling me in my mind. "You can do it, Annie. You and I are special. We overcome the hardest and greatest obstacles Fate puts before us. We do. Try harder. Make it work."
How I wished he were the one giving me the encouragement and holding my hand. With Luke beside me, I wouldn't be afraid and I would try anything if it could mean a return to full health and strength.
The chair jerked forward and began a slow descent down the stairway. The three men followed along closely as I traveled downward, the mechanism humming smoothly.
"Isn't it great?" Tony asked. I opened my eyes and nodded. The chair shook a little, but other than that, it did feel very secure, and it was nice moving down these stairs without being a burden to anyone.
"How does it know when to stop?"
"Oh, it's been adjusted for that, miss," the man said, and sure enough, as it reached the foot of the stairway, it came to a soft halt. Parson had brought my wheelchair along and set it up beside the mechanical chair.
Just at that moment Drake popped out of the entry from where he hd been watching the entire event, cheering and clapping.
"Hooray for Spaceship Annie!"
"Drake Ormand Casteel, how could you hide down here instead of being with me when I needed support?" I complained.
"That was just it," Drake explained. "Tony wanted you to do this without anyone assisting, so you would become independent that much faster."
"You're two conspirators," I chastised playfully. Secretly I was very proud of myself and happy Tony had made me do most of it myself. I looked behind Drake. "But where is Luke? Is he hiding, too?"
Drake's face soured. He looked at Tony, whose face was as solid as granite, his eyes a cold, dark blue, like two sapphire stones.
"He went on some orientation picnic arranged for all the freshmen."
"Picnic?" I looked back at Tony. "But I thought you left a message about the service, Tony."
"I did, with whoever answered the phone at the dorm. At least, my secretary did. She said there was a lot of noise in the background and it sounded as if they were having a big party."
"Didn't you call him yesterday, Drake? After you left here?" I felt my heart sinking, an empty, hollow, cold cavern replacing its warm pocket. How could Luke not be here? How could he not have responded?
"I called early this morning, but they had all already left."
"I don't understand."
"Just a mix-up, probably," Drake said. "He never got the original message and left not knowing about the service."
"How could there be a mix-up? This isn't some freshman dance. Whoever took the message must know how serious it is. He wouldn't be so casual as to forget or misplace it. No one can be that callous."
"He's not here," Drake said softly.
"But he would want to be here!" I cried. "It's . it's a service for his father, too!" I felt myself losing control. All of it was closing in on me at once--the accident, my parent's deaths, my injuries, Luke's absence. I had the greatest urge to scream and scream and scream. "I don't understand!" I repeated in a shrill voice.
Both Tony and Drake looked stricken. The expressions on their faces forced me to get hold of myself I didn't want to become hysterical and cause a postponement of the service. That was too important to me. Parson and the technician responsible for the mechanical chair quickly excused themselves and went out.
I pulled myself up stiffly in the wheelchair. "I'm all right." I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "I'm all right," I lied. "Luke will just have to make a special trip."
"Drake, why don't you wheel Annie to the front and wait there while I fetch Miles to bring the limo around." Tony patted my hand and rushed off. Drake wheeled me to the front door. Just as he opened it, Mrs. Broadfield came up beside me, appearing as quietly and as-quickly as a ghost.
Drake moved me out and into the pool of sunshine that spilled over the portico and steps. The day did not reflect my sad and tragic mood. It was as though even Nature refused to pay attention to my feelings. Instead of dull-gray clouds, starch-white cotton-candy puffs scattered across the aqua sky. The breeze that brushed across my face and made some of my strands of hair dance over my forehead was gentle and warm. Everywhere I looked, birds fluttered and sang. The strong, fresh scent of newly mowed lawns perfumed the air.
All around me was life and happiness, not death and sadness. The sight of such a bright and wonderful day made me feel even more alone. No one could understand why, no one but Luke. If only he were here now, holding my hand. We would look at each other and he would nod knowingly. His fingers would entwine with mine, and I wouldn't feel as if the world were conspiring to make my pain even sharper. I'd feel able to fight back. The need and the desire to become a part of it all again would be overwhelming. More than anything, I would want to walk.
Desperately trying for that mood and strength, even without Luke's presence, I pressed my hands against the arms of the chair and willed my feet to press down on the footrests, but the muscles in my legs weren't cooperative. There was only a slight sensation traveling up through my calves and thighs. Disappointed, I sat back.
Miles drove the limo as close to the steps as he could. Tony and he stepped out just as the Reverend Carter appeared. He was a tall, lean man with sharp features and graying blond hair. Tony shook hands with him and spoke with him a moment and then the two of them, Miles following, came up the steps.
"This is my great-granddaughter Annie."
"God bless you, my dear," the reverend said after taking my hand into his. "You're a strong and courageous child."
"Thank you."
Tony signaled to Miles and Drake to carry me, chair and all, down the stairs to the car. I saw Rye Whiskey, dressed in an old black suit, standing by. His thin gray hair was slicked back and brushed flat over his head. His smile and his comforting and loving, soft eyes warmed my chilled heart.
We went through the great gate and turned right to the Tatterton family cemetery. As we drew closer and closer to the large marble monument, my heart ached, feeling like a small fist tightening and tightening until it could tighten no more. A small cry escaped from my throat. Drake took my hand and squeezed it tightly. When the car stopped, Drake opened the door and reached back in to guide me to the awaiting chair. He and Miles lifted me and placed me softly into it. Then Drake turned the chair and I came face-to-face with the tall stone that read:
.
STONEWALL LOGAN ROBERT HEAVEN LEIGH BELOVED HUSBAND BELOVED WIFE .
I stared in awe, in disbelief, the reality of my parents' death never as vivid as it was at this moment, but my body did not soften and wither like some fragile flower. I
was as hard and as cold as the very stone I faced.
The reverend walked up to the monument, he opened his Bible and began the service. When his words reached my ears, my brain channeled them off to some archive in the library of my memory. I saw his mouth moving and I saw him turn the pages, but I didn't hear a word.
Instead I heard the words I knew Mommy would utter if she could be beside me now.
"Annie," she would say, "you must get strong again. You can get strong again. You must not become some weak and dependent creature withering away in the shadows of Farthy. If you do, you will pale and die like some flower kept out of the sunlight."
"My Annie," Daddy would continue, "I wish we could be there beside you to give you the love and support we have given you all your life, but we can't. I know that you have it in you to stand on your own two feet once more, and once more carry on the work your mother and I began in Winnerrow."
"We're with you, Annie; we're part of you." "Mommy," I whispered.
But I couldn't deny the reality of what all this meant. It meant the end of the world as I had known it. I had come here to say good-bye to Mommy and Daddy, but I was saying good-bye to myself as a little girl, too. Good-bye to the tinkle of music boxes and the laughter of a family together, close, eager to see each other every day. Good-bye to hugs and kisses and words of encouragement. Good-bye to Mommy's comforting embrace whenever the world seemed hard or cruel or cold. Good-bye to Daddy's laughter ringing through the house and chasing away the worries that sometimes come into our lives.
Good-bye to Sunday dinners when we were all talking around the table. Good-bye to all the holidays, the gathering around the Christmas tree to open presents, the delicious Christmas dinner. Good-bye to Thanksgiving dinners with relatives and guests contentedly stuffed. Good-bye to singing around the piano and playing charades. Good-bye to looking for Easter eggs and munching on chocolate rabbits. Good-bye to Sunday walks and vacations on the seashore.
Good-bye to staying up New Year's Eve just to kiss Mommy and Daddy and wish each other a happy new year. Good-bye to all the reasons for all the holidays. Good-bye to all the presents and pretty gift wraps and ribbons and surprises. Good-bye to everything that made life delightful and exciting and warm.
Gates of Paradise Page 21