by Juliet Bell
‘This is my house and I’ll do whatever I want.’ He was eleven years old, and much bigger than me. I made to duck past him to run to the bathroom, but he stepped sideways and blocked my way, grabbing my bare shoulders.
‘Leave me alone.’ I slapped his hands away. Something was very wrong, but I didn’t really know what.
‘What’s going on in here?’ Mrs Reed was in the hallway outside the room. She saw my body. ‘Jane!’
‘She called me to come in here,’ John said, the same half-smile still on his face. ‘And when I did, she took her clothes off.’
Mrs Reed paled. ‘John, leave the room. I’ll deal with this.’
‘That’s not what happened,’ I explained as he walked away. ‘I didn’t…’
‘Not one more word from you.’ Mrs Reed paced up and down the floor two, and then three times, before she turned to face me. ‘You’re not pretty, Jane.’
‘What?’
‘You’re like me. Not like your mother. She always had every boy in the town after her. And she let them, you know.’ She scowled. ‘I thought without her pretty face you might be different. I thought I might be able to teach you how to behave before it was too late, but the apple never falls far from the tree after all.’
‘I didn’t. John’s lying…’
My words were cut off by the crack of her hand across my cheek. ‘Never ever blame my son for your dirtiness. Now get dressed.’
I lifted the pretty yellow frock to pull it over my head, but Mrs Reed snatched it away from me.
‘Not this. You can’t have Emma’s pretty things until you show you deserve them.’ She took an old brown dress from my cupboard. ‘Put this on.’
When I was dressed, she grabbed me by the arm and dragged me through the house. ‘You’ve spoiled this day for all of us,’ she said. ‘Apologise to poor John and to Emma. We can’t go for her birthday treat now. I will not leave you alone in this house and you certainly can’t come with us.’
Emma immediately started to wail and stamp her feet.
‘Why don’t we leave her on the balcony?’ John said slowly. ‘There’s nothing she can steal or break out there.’
I froze. The balcony was a place of horror. There was nothing but that thin railing between me and the ground far below. I’d often sat just inside, desperate for a view of the sky, but I hadn’t set foot on the balcony since that first morning. ‘No. Please. I didn’t do what he said…’
‘I told you not to lie.’ Mrs Reed dragged me towards the glass doors. ‘Well, you will stay out there and think about your sin. John’s right. Why should you be allowed to spoil Emma’s day?’
She thrust me through the door and I fell onto the tiles. On the other side of the glass doors, the family walked out of the apartment and slammed the front door closed behind them.
I crawled back towards the wall and squeezed myself into the corner, where I couldn’t see the edge of the balcony, or the rail or the long fall below it. I sat there for a very long time. At first I tried not to cry. I knew Mum would want me to be brave, but Mum wasn’t here. It was just me. Completely abandoned, completely alone. I stopped fighting and let the tears come.
‘Are you all right?’
The voice seemed to come from out of the sky. It was soft and kind and full of gentleness.
‘Are you Our Lady?’
‘No.’ The voice laughed. ‘I heard you crying. Are you all right?’
The voice floated towards me on the breeze. ‘Then are you an angel?’
The voice laughed again. ‘No. I’m Jennifer. I’m standing on my balcony, downstairs from you. Are you Jane? I’ve heard about you, but we’ve never met.’
I hadn’t heard about her, but then Mrs Reed didn’t like the people in the building and didn’t talk to them very often.
‘Are you all right, Jane? Have you locked yourself out on the balcony?’
‘No. Mrs Reed puts me here. When I do bad things.’
‘Is she there with you?’
‘No. They went out.’
There was a long pause. I pressed my back harder against the wall, screwing my eyes closed and not thinking about the drop below. ‘Are you still there?’
‘I’m here. Would you like me to stay here until Mrs Reed comes home? You can talk to me and tell me all about yourself.’
‘Yes, please.’ I wasn’t quite so scared any more.
Chapter 6
Betty
The days merged into one another. The sea was big and the journey went on forever. Every morning Betty woke up, shivering and sweaty, squashed into the cramped bunk, stomach lurching with the rolls of the ship. Every night before she went to sleep, she clasped her hands together like she used to do at home and prayed that in the morning she’d wake up in her own bed, and go into the kitchen and have bread and jam with Daddy.
‘Time to get up.’
Betty didn’t have pyjamas anymore. She’d had them in her little case when she’d got on the boat but they’d disappeared, so now she spent her nights and days in one grubby, stinky set of clothes. She hadn’t had a bath or combed out her hair for weeks. The ladies with them didn’t know how to deal with Betty’s curls. One of them had tried but quickly gave up when Betty screamed against the pulling and the pain.
They followed the woman to the dining hall where the children were huddled together into one corner with bread and butter. The other passengers came and went as they pleased, talking about ‘ten pounds for all this’ or grumbling about their seasickness or the choices for breakfast.
After they’d eaten they were led outside, and told to be quiet and not to bother anyone. At first, Betty sat on her own. Most of the children were bigger than her. A lot of them liked to sit in the sun, but Betty didn’t. When the others sat in the sun, their fair skin went bright pink. When she sat in the sun, her skin went brown. She’d started to look different. Like Daddy had looked different. That’s when the women had told her to stay inside. They’d said she would look dirty and no-one would ever give her a home. Betty hadn’t listened to them. Sooner or later Daddy would come and find her and take her home. But she did stay out of the sun.
After a little while she made a friend.
Her name was Kay, and despite being older, she was the only one who ever talked to Betty. They whispered together in the bunk late at night.
‘Where did you come from? Before they sent you here.’
Betty screwed up her face. ‘I was in a big house with other children.’
Kay nodded. ‘Me too. So your mam’s dead, then?’
Betty shook her head vigorously. ‘She’s not very well but she’s going to get better and she’s going to come home and…’ She tailed off. And what? Betty wasn’t sure.
‘Nah. She must have died. I heard Mrs Collins say we were all orphans.’
Betty turned the word around in her head. ‘What’s a norfan?’
‘Orphan. It’s when your mam and dad are dead.’
‘I’m not one of them. My daddy said he would come back and get me.’ Betty’s face crumpled as fat tears started to run down her cheeks.
‘Aw. Come on. Don’t do that.’ Kay looked anxious. ‘Come on. I’ll show you what I do when I’m feeling sad.’
They held hands as they walked up on deck and out onto the open area right at the back of the ship. It was cold and windy and dark, but, when Betty looked up, the blackness of the sky was sprinkled with glowing stars.
‘They are so pretty.’
Kay nodded. ‘But sometimes, it’s even prettier. Just wait.’
Betty waited. She didn’t know what she was waiting for. Then she saw a golden spark fly across the sky. And then another.
‘Look.’ Kay pointed to the top of the big funnel that loomed over the ship.
As Betty watched, more sparks, all golden and red, flew from the top of the funnel. Sometimes it was only a few, but sometimes there seemed to be hundreds of sparks, flying up into the air, high above the waves. Away from the ship and all the people
on it. Back towards where they’d come from. Back towards home and Daddy. Betty wanted to be one of them.
‘They’re so pretty. And they’re free.’
The girls stood there, holding hands, watching the sparks. But soon the sparks got fewer and fewer. Until finally, they stopped coming at all. The stars no longer seemed pretty to Betty. Tthey were white and cold, and so distant.
‘I wish they would never stop.’
‘I bet we can make our own,’ Kay said. ‘Wait here. I won’t be long.’ She ran back along the deck.
Betty watched the top of the funnels, hoping the sparks would appear again, but they didn’t. She felt lost and alone without them.
Kay came running back. ‘Look.’
She held some sheets of paper and a box of matches.
‘Where did you get them?’
‘In the posh dining room.’
Kay scrunched the paper into a ball before setting it down on the deck in a sheltered corner where the wind wasn’t too strong. She pulled out a pink-headed match from her box and struck it against the side of the box to no effect. The second time, the match sparked into life. Betty watched the orange flame dance as Kay leant towards the balled-up paper. She set the match to the paper and then bent close in, blowing gently on the tiny hint of fire.
Betty felt her heart pounding in her chest. They weren’t supposed to be here. Kay definitely wasn’t supposed to have matches.
Betty gazed at the fire. The pounding in her chest slowed. The screaming inside her head quieted. The thoughts of the women and the spanking they were going to get disappeared. She let her mind be filled by the bright, dancing flames, feeling the warmth prickle the skin on her legs, feeling the smoke spike at her eyes, but never looking away. She could feel the warmth of the fire in the hearth. She could hear the sound of Daddy breathing as she rested her head on his chest. This boat, and this journey, and all the confusion she’d been living with, faded away. Then she slowly lifted her head as a bit of paper, glowing with flame, flew up into the night air. Free of the ship, floating back towards home.
‘Betty!’ Kay grabbed her arm and pulled, but Betty didn’t move. She couldn’t. The fire had captured her and was holding her in its embrace.
‘Betty! Someone’s coming.’
Betty ignored her friend again.
‘Fine.’ She heard Kay’s footsteps as she ran away from the fire, but Betty stayed still.
A big brown boot shoved in front of her and stamped away the flames. ‘What do you think you’re doing, setting a fire on a ship?’
Another voice behind Betty interrupted. ‘She’s one of them orphan brats, ain’t she?’
‘I’m not an orphan.’
Large rough hands spun her round. Betty looked at the two men, who towered over her. One of them grinned. ‘Is that right? Well, then, we’d best take you back to Mummy and Daddy. In one of the posh cabins up front, are they?’
Betty shook her head.
‘I didn’t think so.’ The man thwacked Betty hard across the back of her legs. Once. Twice. Three times. And then four. Betty’s lip twitched but she bit back the tears. She didn’t need to be here. So long as she could see the fire in her head, she could be far away, curled up and safe with Daddy at home. ‘Dirty little firebug.’ The man grunted the words out as he slapped her again. Eventually he released his grip, and shoved her towards his mate. ‘Take her back, then.’
‘You’re sure she’s learnt her lesson?’
The other man had already turned away. ‘Don’t care anymore. She’s not going to be our problem much longer, is she?’
His mate followed. ‘I didn’t think they took coloureds anyroad.’
Chapter 7
Jane
When school ended in the afternoon, we were supposed to wait for Mrs Reed to come to walk us home. John and Emma would go off and talk to their friends after lessons finished, or play sport. I had to wait by the gate all alone. I wasn’t allowed to play in any sports team, or have music lessons or any of the things Emma and John did.
Not long after Emma’s birthday, John appeared at the gate before his sister.
‘Come with me,’ he said.
‘We’re supposed to wait here.’
‘Mum won’t be here for ages. Emma has her stupid ballet lesson today. Come with me or else I’ll tell Mum on you.’
I wasn’t sure what he would tell her, but I knew it would be bad, so I followed him across the playground and around to the sports oval. Almost everyone had gone home for the day, but John opened the door to the sports-equipment shed.
‘Go in there.’
I could hear some whispering inside. I started to back away. ‘No. I don’t want to.’
John grabbed me by the shoulder and pushed me through the doorway. I tripped and fell forward. My arm buckled underneath me and my face crashed into the hard wooden floor.
‘Is this her? She’s just a kid.’
‘She hasn’t even got any tits.’
I didn’t know how many people there were around me. All the voices sounded like boys. Lying there on the floor, I couldn’t see their faces, only their shiny black school shoes.
John’s voice rose above the others. ‘Well, I did it, didn’t I? You said I couldn’t get a girl. She’s a girl.’
Another of the voices jeered. ‘Well, let’s have a proper look at her, then.’
John prodded me with the toe of his shoe, trying to get me to roll over. I pulled my arms around my head, keeping my face against the floor, blocking them all out.
‘Come on, then.’ This time, it was more of a kick than a prod. ‘I’ve already seen ‘em. Time to get ‘em out for my mates.’
I felt John’s hand wrap around my arm. I wriggled instinctively, pulling away from his grip. His shoe caught me as I moved, pushing under my body and forcing me onto my back. There was a volley of laughter as my skirt rode up. I dragged myself to kneeling, pulling my dress down to cover myself. This time another hand grabbed my arm, and John went for my hair. The pain shot through my head. ‘Get up!’
I had no choice. It felt as if my hair would be ripped from my scalp if I refused.
Standing in the middle of the jeering circle, I dug my thumbs into the sides of my school uniform, holding it down close to my body.
‘Let me go.’
John laughed and reached for the hem of my uniform.
‘No.’ I slapped his hand away. Another boy grabbed me from behind and held me.
‘We won’t hurt you,’ John said. ‘I’m going to show them what you showed me at home the other day.’
He reached for me again, and his cold fingertips touched the bare skin of my neck.
I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew I would be blamed. Mrs Reed would say it was a sign that I was dirty and sinful. I was not dirty. I was not sinful. I would not let this happen.
I screamed as long and as loud as I could. I kicked out at the boys around me. The more they laughed the more I kicked, until I finally heard one of them gasp. I had hurt him. Good.
‘What’s going on here?’
The boys jumped away, distancing themselves as much as they could, as if they had just happened to be in the shed and not noticed what was going on at all. The sports teacher came into the room. I ran to the door, almost knocking him over as I did.
‘Wait.’
He grabbed me by the shoulders. Acting purely on instinct I screamed again and tried to slap his hand away. The noise was attracting other people, including some of the kids and several teachers. I was led away by the lady who taught music. She took me to an empty staffroom and gave me a glass of water. She had a calm, sympathetic voice, but, when she asked me what had happened in the shed, I couldn’t tell her. The words sat in my throat, hot and painful, but they refused to be spoken aloud. She looked at me for a long time.
‘Are you quite sure you’re all right, Jane?’
I nodded, which seemed to stop her asking again. At last there was a knock on the door. The teache
r opened it, and I saw Mrs Reed standing there. Her face was hard and cold, and I could see how angry she was.
‘Come with me, Jane.’
I did as she said. John and Emma were waiting by the school entrance and we all walked home together, like we did every other day. I didn’t look at my elder cousin. Not once. Mrs Reed was silent until we were inside the apartment and the door was closed. ‘Jane, this is the worst thing you’ve ever done.’
‘I didn’t do anything.’
‘They said they found you with a whole group of boys. John said you lured them all there.’
The smirk reappeared on John’s face as he watched me, waiting for me to speak.
‘That’s not what happened.’ I clenched my fists. ‘He dragged me into that shed with the other boys and told me to…’
‘Not another word, Jane! Not one word. This is just like your mother, and I will not stand for it. Not in my house.’
Mrs Reed took my arm and I knew what was coming.
‘No. No.’ I tried to pull away, but she was too strong. She dragged me to the glass door and pushed me out onto the balcony.
‘You’ll stay out there until you learn how to behave,’ she said. ‘And until you apologise to John for lying about him.’
Mrs Reed barely spoke to me in the days after that horrible afternoon. It was impossible to hide from John, but I stayed as far away from him as I could at school, and I didn’t go to wait by the gate until Emma was there. I put a chair under the door-handle in my room at night. I don’t think I even understood what I was afraid of. I only knew that I was very afraid.
And then I saw Jennifer for the very first time.
On this day, the lift in our building was broken and we had to walk up the stairs. I was glad of this because I hated the lift, especially when I was closed in there with John. Mrs Reed hated the stairs and by the time we were halfway up, she was panting. I lagged behind, even though I wasn’t panting at all. As we climbed past the floor below ours, the floor where I knew Jennifer lived, I lagged even more. I still suspected Jennifer was an angel, and I desperately wanted to see her.
Just as Mrs Reed reached the landing, a door opened and a woman stepped out. I knew at once that it was her. She had long golden hair and a beautiful face, like a real, genuine angel.