by Maya Daniels
“So you can’t open Ishtar’s realm?” Margaret asks.
“No one can open it. She has it warded somehow, and I can’t break through without hurting everyone here,” I answer her, anger getting the better of me, and my smile slipping.
“Humph… no need for force, Lucifer. Alexia can open the gate.” She dismisses my frustration.
“I can’t open it, grandma. I don’t know how,” Alexia speaks, and I can hear the child she used to be in her voice.
I look at her, hoping she can see how proud I am of everything she has done so far. She only holds my look for a second before she looks at the hands in her lap.
“Of course, you do! You just need to remember.” Margaret dismisses Alexia’s statement, too. It shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does. It seems like Margaret’s presence brings out the child I never was in me, too.
“I would love it if you’d all stop saying that! I’m not a fucking computer and I can’t pull up files whenever I bloody want,” Alexia grumbles.
“Alexia Semiramis! Watch that mouth of yours before I wash it out with soap!” Margaret snaps at Alexia, and my hackles rise at her tone without my control.
“Sorry,” she mumbles, and I can’t help myself any longer.
Reaching over Margaret, I snatch Alexia’s arm and drag her into my lap, glaring. She struggles to get off me, but I wrap my arms around her, holding her down, still staring daggers at Margaret. She gives me the biggest, warmest smile anyone has ever given me, like I have done the right thing for the first time in my existence. It confuses me enough that my arms go slack, and Alexia manages to wiggle out of my grasp. Before she straightens and takes a step away from me, I snatch her back down again.
“Stay,” I growl at her.
“I’m not your fucking dog, Lucifer. Get your stupid paws off me.”
I release her because she slams a current of energy at me and my limbs go slack. Jumping up, she drops next to her grandmother again, glaring at me. Everyone makes strangled noises, and when I look around, I realize they are doing everything they can not to laugh. Margaret is the first to laugh before everyone else joins her. I start snickering, too, shaking my head. The witch makes me act irrational and…well, human. I shiver at the thought.
“Let’s see what we can do to make you remember,” Margaret says after she stops laughing, but the smile is still big on her face.
“She needs to accept herself. That will make her remember,” Daisy speaks from next to Faith.
“I’ve accepted everything, thank you very much,” Alexia says, looking unflinchingly at Daisy.
“No, you have not,” Daisy says, stubbornly turning her gaze from Alexia to Margaret and an unspoken conversation passes between them. I am not sure if anyone else noticed.
“What is this all about?” Margaret looks at Alexia.
“There is nothing more I can do, I promise. It’s kinda like a take it or leave it sorta thing. I’ve done everything they’ve asked of me. Even what they haven’t asked. I mean, look at me.” She turns her arms towards Margaret, lifting them up. “They’ve branded me like an animal. Merged with me, saying they make a sacrifice—without my permission, if I might add, in the case with Lilith. What more do I need to do? I’ve been chained, kidnapped, dragged around realms, had my sisters taken from me, manipulated, betrayed…I have nothing else to give or to accept,” she finishes with finality in her voice.
My gut twists, and I clench my hands at my sides. I cannot wait for the day when Tiamat shows herself in front of me. I will tear her limb from limb. A growl reaches my ears, and I feel a hand rest on my leg, squeezing gently. The hand belongs to Margaret, and I realize the growl is mine. I stop immediately. Margaret is not even looking at me; she is looking solemnly at her granddaughter.
“Since when did you start playing the victim, Alexia?”
“What?” Alexia’s eyes widen.
“You heard me. When did it start?”
“I’m not playing anything. I’m stating facts!”
“Who are you and what have you done with my Alexia?” Margaret’s voice is getting louder and my mouth drops open.
I did not expect this reaction from her. I expected her to be angry like I was for all the things done to her grandchild. Not this anger towards her. Alexia is as surprised as I am because she is looking wide-eyed at Margaret like she has sprouted another head. But Margaret is not finished, so she continues talking, her voice getting stronger as she lifts herself off the ground, staring down at Alexia.
“I raised a brave, smart, compassionate child. I molded a person who takes responsibility for her actions and doesn’t blame others for what life brings her way. I raised a warrior. A fighter. Not a victim. You have never been human and you knew that. Despite that, I did my best to keep your humanity intact as well as encouraging you to accept your powers. To accept who and what you are. Have I failed you so badly?” Tears shimmer in Margaret’s eyes as she drops to her knees in front of Alexia. They run unchecked on both their faces and I can’t sit here watching Alexia’s heart break into a thousand pieces. Lifting myself up, I grab Margaret’s shoulder and not caring what anyone thinks I push her away making her fall on her side. Standing in front of Alexia, my body shaking with rage, I turn on her grandmother.
25
Alexia…
Before I get over my shock from everything my grandmother said to me, Lucifer jumps up, pushes her away like a discarded towel and stands in front of me. His wings snap out from his back, forming a barrier in front of me and I see his body vibrate, his hands in white-knuckled fists at his sides.
“How dare you speak to her that way!” he roars. I have to put my hands on my ears or my eardrums will burst, “You know nothing of what she has been through while you took the easy way out, acting as if it was a big sacrifice for her.”
I felt like he had reached inside my chest and ripped my heart out, still beating, with his hand.
“Lucifer, what are you doing?” I start standing up, holding onto his back because my legs feel wobbly from the shock of everything that had transpired in the last couple of minutes.
“Stay back, Alexia. No one—and you all better hear me when I say this—no one speaks to her like that! Am I clear?”
This is not the Lucifer I got to know. No, this is Lucifer the light-bringer. The commanding angel who doesn’t let anyone or anything stand in his way, and all that power and anger is turned on my grandmother. Fear grips my heart but I stop whatever it was that I was going to say when she lifts herself off the ground, smiling like the cat who ate the canary. What the fuck is going on?
“What’s the matter, Lucifer? Did you just realize she is not worthy of your love? Your other half is as powerful and as strong as you are. It creates the balance. Is that why you are angry? You got played and thought she is the one for you?” My grandmother’s words suck all the air from the circle and I see black spots at the corners of my eyes. I can’t breathe. Why is she saying all this? Did she hate me all this time when I thought she loved me? Outraged gasps and words flow from everyone and Inanna steps next to Lucifer, glaring at my grandmother, too. I don’t think I have enough strength to even drop to the ground. My hand is twisted in Lucifer’s shirt and that’s the only thing holding me up. More darkness closes around me.
“You know nothing. You shouldn’t ask her who she is and what she has done with your granddaughter. You should tell us who you are. Margaret would never speak those words to Alexia.” Lucifer’s words are packed with so much power they slam into my chest and I take an involuntary breath, thankfully. If I hadn’t, I was going to pass out.
“Look at her!” My grandma points her finger accusingly at me and I can only stare. “Does that look like someone worthy of you, Lucifer? Or to be your vessel, Inanna? She looks pathetic, hiding behind the two of you. Hiding behind her excuses and fears. That is no grandchild of mine! She’s an imposter playing a game!” As spittle flies out of her mouth, her crazed eyes turn on me. “Who are you, I’m a
sking again?”
At that everyone takes a step away from me as if I had just been diagnosed with the plague. Lucifer and Inanna turn around and the uncertainty in their eyes does something to me that I don’t think anything will undo for many lifetimes. I look around and see they all have the same look in their eyes. Only Meda has tears running down her face. I’m all on my own. I only have myself, as always. Even when I thought that I had someone who loved me, it was all a lie, and in this moment, it hit me. I was never created to exist so I could be loved.
I was created for a purpose, to be a tool, a means to an end. My purpose was to love and care so I would protect, not to expect the same in return. That feeling from the light in the lake slowly returns and starts overtaking me. I let it. Let it take over and make me what I was made to be. I won’t fight it anymore. I’m nothing. Whatever I had created in my mind that Alexia Semiramis was is a lie. She is a girl I made up who wanted to be human, a girl with faults and weaknesses who liked to play make-believe in this cruel world full of demons with angelic faces. The light overtakes my body, but Alexia Semiramis drops to her knees in the darkness, defeated by her own stupidity. “You are nothing! You don’t exist!” I scream at her in my mind. Power surges through my limbs and I lift my head. Everyone takes another step back, looking at me with wide eyes instead of uncertainty. Only my grandmother is looking proud and smiling. I wonder what she’s proud of. Perhaps because she destroyed the person I created myself to be? Probably.
“This is the last time you speak to me! You say I am not worthy of someone or something?” My voice is not my own. It sounds like hundred voices speaking as one, echoing around the circle and making everyone sway towards me like snakes towards a flute master “You are all not worthy of my presence! I give life, but I also take it! Bow to me before you exist no more!”
“I won’t bow to you! Now let my granddaughter merge fully with you or you will be no more, either.” My grandmother stands, proud and unafraid.
“You dare command me?” I tilt my head, looking at her. She is not aware that I can truly snuff her essence and she will be no more in any realm.
“You are part of her as she is part of you. She can’t accept you because you don’t accept her, either. You are not two parts of a whole. You are one. Let her become whole, I beg of you. If you don’t, neither you nor she will live to see this through.” She reaches for my face and I grab her wrist.
She screams and bends her knees, dropping down in front of me. Now I see there is the glow around me again. It’s beautiful and it makes me smile.
“I told you to bow,” I tell her. “You should obey.”
“Accept her! She is you as you are her,” she says hoarsely, and I frown.
Can she be speaking the truth? Is the human I created one with me? I have existed longer then this realm. How can that be? The one inside me that kneels in the darkness whispers “Aren’t the rivers part of the ocean? Which one was first? Which one is better than the other?” I stop squeezing the wrist I’m holding. Can she be right? Have I been denying who and what I truly am?
“You know I’m speaking the truth. Please let me have her back. I’m begging you. Accept her so she accepts herself.” Now my grandmother sobs and the one kneeling in the darkness starts getting restless.
I can fight her and I will win. But to what end? If she is part of me and we both accept it, we can be stronger. We can protect better. I like that thought, so I turn inward and speak clearly.
“I accept you as part of me, if you accept me as part of you. We will be one from this moment forward.”
The one in the darkness lifts her head and smiles. She tells me she thought I would never ask. With that, a blinding light sears my head and peace like nothing I’ve known envelops me. I’m finally whole.
26
Lucifer…
One moment I was ready to rip Margaret apart. The next, her words created confusion in my mind. Seeing Alexia glow again left me frozen in the place, unable to move or say anything. Even when Margaret screamed from pain, I could do nothing but stare mutely at what stood in front of us all. She was glowing, yes, but she was made entirely out of water, like the water had lifted off the lake and took the form of Alexia. When she spoke, I heard her not just with my ears, but with my entire being. If she told us to end our existence, I have no doubt in my mind we would all have done so. I see the fear in Inanna’s eyes. She was not aware of this, either. It makes me uneasy, but when I see Alexia’s body turn normal and she drops to the ground, I forget about everything else and rush to her. Margaret is there before me and everyone else crowds around us.
“I should strangle you for what you did,” I tell her, pushing her away so I can gather Alexia in my arms. She feels like she’s freezing and I squeeze her tightly to my body, rubbing my hands over her to warm her up.
“I know my own grandchild, Lucifer. She is more stubborn than a mule. The only way to reach her is to push her. If you don’t, she’ll never do anything for herself, because she always finds something to do for someone else. Trust me, I raised her. I know.”
“What happened to her?” Remi says so timidly that I look at her in shock. The woman does not do timid. I am not sure if I should laugh or be worried.
“Her element did not fully merge with her. She was denying it, looking at it as something separate from who she is. That made the element look at her as something separate from it. I don’t know how she managed to stay sane so long like this.” Margaret looks at Inanna “How you didn’t notice this is beyond me.”
“I don’t know,” Inanna answers, confusion still visible on her face.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Margaret looks sharply at her.
“She is my vessel. I did the initiation inside my temple, in my realm. Everything went fine; she only needed time to integrate everything. Do you think maybe because she merged with Lilith and the weaver of the web of life marked her that this happened?”
“No! It is none of that. I feel it in my soul. This is different. This is because of what she is. Only her creator will know,” I tell them dismissively.
She is starting to warm and curls up more towards my chest, seeking my body heat. As she presses her softness to me, I forget what I was saying and keep running my hands over her to assure myself that she’s here and breathing.
“Don’t ever say she’s not worthy of my love again,” I growl at Margaret. “No matter what or who she is, you had better know she is mine, and she is worthy of everything. I am the one who is unworthy to have a place in her heart.”
Margaret looks at me with tears in her eyes and a genuine smile on her face.
“I’m grateful to hear that, Lucifer. She is definitely worthy.”
I burrow my head in Alexia’s neck and breathe her in. Having her in my arms, with her scent of jasmine and roses filling my lungs, calms me. I could spend the rest of my immortal life like this. She stirs in my arms. Unfortunately, the fates have different plans, separate from my wishes. I lift my head to look at her face. She is looking at me, her eyes glowing blue like ocean waters that take my breath away.
“I know how to open the gate.” Her husky voice makes me shiver and I turn rock hard in my pants. She looks at me, smirking and rolls her eyes. “I’ll have to fix that for you later,” she adds and winks at me. My stomach does a flip at her words.
27
Alexia…
I heard most of the things they said, and strangely I’m not upset. I’m not anything, really. As soon as I felt my element merge with me fully, I felt such clarity and with it, some sort of detachment. Not in a way that I don’t care, just acceptance of whatever it is. I kept thinking I have grown and changed through all the things that have happened, but one thing stayed with me through it all—my desire to control everything, especially my emotions. As if my having total control of them would make things different. What is meant to be will be, and no amount of control can change it.
I look at Lucifer and can’t help but drink
in his handsome face and those ancient eyes staring at me. I kept fighting him because of fear—as if I’ll live thousands of years. We may not live to see tomorrow, and instead of allowing myself to be held and loved, I was pushing him away, giving him mixed signals—fighting myself just as with everything else. I look at my grandmother, sitting on her knees next to us, and I smile.
“Thank you, grandma. For everything.” Turning, I give her a hug, inhaling her herbal scent; it smells like my childhood.
“I’m sorry for what I said, but it was necessary.” I can hear the tears in her voice.
“I know. That’s why I thanked you. I don’t think anyone else could’ve gotten through to me.”
“Well, they say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” She smiles.
“It does if you kick it,” Remi says and kicks my foot.
“What was that for?” I ask, grinning at her.
“Don’t ever scare me like that again,” she says grumpily, and I chuckle.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“You said you know how to open the gate?” Inanna asks, and I wonder why she’s standing away from everyone. Maybe she’s tired of all the drama that follows me around. I don’t blame her.
“Yes, I remember everything,” I answer her question and start to stand up.
Lucifer jumps up and tugs me with him, not letting go of my hand. I guess it makes him feel better if he is touching me. I have no intention of stopping him any more. Pulling on his hand, I walk towards the center of the circle. It looks to be as good a spot as any.
“Is everyone going?” I ask no-one in particular.
“I’m not,” my grandmother says, apologetically.
“I know,” I reply softly.
My heart hurts, but I know now that I must let her go. Not for good, no. I will see her again, just not right now—not here. I will miss her like crazy, but that gut-wrenching feeling of loss and guilt is not there anymore. Who knows? I might see her sooner than any of us expects. Not that I’m not going to try to stay in this life as long as I can. I glance at Lucifer. There are things I’d like to try to experience here before I go to the next part of the journey.