by Emily Mayer
The short drive back to my apartment helped smooth over the raw edges of my anger. Everyone’s surprise was fair. I didn’t go to clubs—ever. Kay and Lou had invited me out for drinks on multiple occasions and I had only taken them up on the offer once, because they’d said that particular bar had the best chicken wings. I spent most of the night standing by the bar like a gangly gargoyle, protecting my plate of wings.
I went directly to bed when I got home, slipping into my favorite ‘Snuggle this Muggle’ sleep shirt before diving deep under my covers. I sighed, wishing I could hide here forever. My hand found its way to the tight line of raised skin between my breasts, and I traced it up and down. The scar was a permanent reminder that I could be brave, had been brave.
If I had survived open-heart surgery, I could survive a club opening.
4.
I managed to ignore the first series of thuds echoing through my small apartment. Whoever was pounding on my door could come back at a reasonable hour. The second round of pounding was harder to ignore, especially when it was followed by a familiar voice threatening to let himself in.
“I’m coming!” I called, sticking my arm out from the warm cocoon of blankets to swipe for my phone. It was 10 a.m. I groaned, pulling back the covers and rubbing my eyes. Why for the love of protons did my brother have to be such an early riser?
I made the short trip to the door and swung it open prepared to give him a piece of my mind, but the words died in my throat when I saw a box of Brecken Donuts cradled in one arm and a drink carrier in his other hand.
“Whatever it is, I forgive you,” I said, reaching for the box of donuts. I set them down on counter and peeled back the lid. All my favorites. These were clearly apology donuts.
“Kay said I was an ass last night.” Harrison swiped a donut out of the box and moved to sit on the couch. Classic Harrison apology, but I wasn’t going to hold a grudge when there were baked goods involved. He was kind of an idiot, but he meant well.
“Since when do you listen to Kay?” I asked, sitting down next to him.
“It’s not gonna become a habit,” he assured me.
We settled into a comfortable silence, both absorbed in our donuts. I flipped on the morning news program I knew he liked even though I would have preferred cartoons. I watched as his hand started tapping a rhythm on his leg, a nervous trait we shared.
“So,” he began. “You’re going to a club opening tonight?”
“Yep,” I answered, not giving him an inch. I was fully prepared to make him work for it.
“With Paige and Tamara?” he prodded.
“Yes, and I think Tamara is bringing people too, so it’s a group thing.”
“How do you know this Tamara?”
I sighed, trying to stem the rising frustration. I was too old for this type of interrogation and it was too early for my patience to be awake.
“Paige met Tamara at a photo shoot. Now Tamara takes some of Paige’s yoga classes. She’s not necessarily my favorite, but she’s fine.”
“You actually want to do this? Go to a club?” His voice was brimming with skepticism.
I shrugged. “Not really. But I think it’s a good idea. It would be good for me to try new things and meet some new people. You’re always telling me to step outside my comfort zone more.”
I counted the tics of Harrison’s jaw. One. Two. Three. He rubbed a hand over his face. “You’re right,” he conceded.
I almost choked on my coffee at his admission.
“Could you repeat that?” He shot me a withering look. “Please. It can be my birthday present.”
“You should be getting out and meeting people. A club just doesn’t seem like your scene,” he said, clearly still not sold on the idea. To be fair, I was also not sold on the idea.
I nodded. “I might hate it, but I can always leave. Plus, I trust Paige.”
“That makes one of us,” Harrison grumbled.
The ding of my phone alerting me to a text message saved Harrison from a recitation of all Paige’s virtues.
Paige: Class ran a little long today and it took me forever to roll up the mats, sorry! I’m on my way now though!
Me: No worries. Just an FYI, Harrison is here.
Paige: WHAT?! Ugh, I’m gross right now. I’m going to pull myself together real quick.
I rolled my eyes at the phone. I didn’t think Paige even possessed the ability to sweat. I took one of her classes every week and I had yet to witness even a tiny bead of sweat form on her perfect skin. I, on the other hand, usually looked like I had run four marathons through the desert by the time class was over. And we weren’t even doing hot yoga!
“Paige is on her way over,” I warned Harrison in case he wanted to escape—but also out of genuine concern that he might try to lecture her too.
“Okay.” He settled further into the couch, taking a drink of his coffee.
“We’re going shopping for tonight,” I added.
The arm Harrison had tossed across the back of the couch moved to tug my hair gently, then pinched the skin between my ear and neck.
“Ouch!” I protested, knocking his hand away. “What was that for?”
“Just making sure you weren’t abducted by aliens and this is a Lennon decoy.” His wandering arm wrapped me into a quick side hug. “I’m proud of you, kid.”
A soft knock on the door interrupted the moment, which was probably for the best. I could feel the tears starting to collect. I popped up and swung the door open to a glowing Paige.
“Hi!” she said, her eyes darting past me to track Harrison’s progress through my apartment. She smoothed one hand nervously over her sleek ponytail.
“Hey, Paige,” Harrison greeted her, coming to a stop by me.
“Oh, um… hey. It’s… um… good to see all of y—er… to see you.” Her cheeks were tinted a light pink by the time she was done stumbling through her response. I fought a cringe.
“Yeah, you too. You ladies have fun tonight. But not too much,” he amended, leaning down to give me a quick kiss on the head. “We still on for tomorrow?”
“Yep. I’ll see you then.”
“Paige.” He inclined his head in passing.
“Uh-huh,” she squeaked, watching him walk down the hall.
“Wow, Paige, you’re one smooth operator,” I said, a little pleased to see her being the awkward one for a change.
Paige groaned. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Don’t feel too bad. Harrison tends to have that effect on the opposite sex. And actually, I have seen a few men—” But I didn’t get a chance to finish that thought.
“That is not actually as helpful as you think,” she interrupted, walking to the box of donuts and picking up a classic chocolate iced.
I chewed on my lip, trying to decide if it would be unkind to point out that donuts had dairy in them.
Paige must have been able to read my expression. “I know they have dairy in them. This is an emotional support donut so it doesn’t count,” she said through a mouthful of donut.
I nodded my head like her vegan rules made sense. “Definitely. Do you want some coffee?”
She dusted the crumbs off her hands. “Nope. Yoga gets my blood flowing plenty, and your brother—”
“Please don’t finish that sentence.” It was my turn to interrupt. I had zero interest in hearing what Harrison did to her.
“Fine. Let’s see if you have anything in your closet to work with before we hit the stores.” She walked to my bedroom like she owned the place and started riffling through hangers. “Wow, that’s… this is a lot of white and grey. I mean I know that’s what I usually see you in, but I guess I always imagined you had a secret, untouched section of your closet dedicated to color.”
It was true. My work wardrobe consisted of mainly white blouses and grey skirts or pants. If she dug a little further, she would find some black pants and skirts for when I felt like switching things up.
“I know. I’m not good with clo
thes or mornings. I don’t really understand how to mix colors and patterns,” I told Paige honestly. I really did want to be more like the fashionable business professionals I saw filling LA’s streets. It’s not like I thought fashion was stupid or beneath me, or that I was too much of an intellectual to worry about trivial things like style. I just didn’t understand how it all worked. When you combined that with how much I hated waking up early, a neutral-toned wardrobe made the most sense.
Paige turned to look at me, her hand still clutching a hanger. “Okay, that’ll be our next shopping trip. Do you own anything that is not work clothes or leggings?”
“No. Oh wait! I have some jeans.”
“Fine, we’ll just start from scratch. You should wear a strapless bra,” Paige suggested, waving a hand toward my chest.
“Why?” I asked, covering my chest with my arms protectively.
“Just in case we find something you can’t wear a regular bra with. It makes it easier to try things on,” she said, returning another white blouse to its spot in my closet.
“I don’t own a strapless bra. They’re uncomfortable.”
“Throw some clothes on.” Paige sighed. “We have a long afternoon ahead of us.”
Somehow, I didn’t think Paige was going to let me get away with reading a comic book in the food court while she picked everything out for me, Mama Walker style. Did malls even have food courts anymore? How would I survive this trip without a soft pretzel?
5.
Two hours later, I looked down at my Chucks, wondering when they had become medieval torture devices. Spoiler alert: There was no food court. Paige had chosen a trendy outdoor shopping area that was just endless streets filled with boutiques. Not a single soft pretzel in sight.
Paige was bringing new meaning to the phrase “shop ’til you drop.” But despite how badly my feet hurt, I was actually having a pretty good time. As it turned out, I loved manicures. I kept sneaking glances at my red nails and smiling, strangely mesmerized by the way they looked doing routine things like holding a fork or signing a receipt. Even trying on clothes had been fun. Paige helped me pick out some new clothes that were both appropriate for work and really cute. She had suggested I try dresses so I wouldn’t have to worry about mixing and matching early in the morning. I suggested she become my personal shopper.
I blamed the “Three Alarm Fire” shade of red coating my nails for the bold dress we’d picked out for the evening—a dress that was sitting in a bag next to our table at the vegan Indian restaurant Paige wanted to try. My curry tasted like wet grass covered in cumin, but I wasn’t going to complain after she had been so patient and helpful. It’s a rare friend who will show you how to tape your boobs into a dress and keep a mostly straight face.
“Oh wow, this cauliflower coconut curry is interesting!” Paige exclaimed, pushing rice around with her fork.
“Interesting good or interesting bad?” I asked, thinking it would be impossible for something the exact shade of vomit to be good.
She scrunched up her nose. “I don’t know. I can’t decide. Anyway, we should head back soon and start getting ready.”
I pulled out my phone to check the time.
“It’s only five thirty,” I pointed out. It only took me fifteen minutes to blow my hair dry and another five minutes tops for eyeliner and mascara. Most of my work was already done, since my entire outfit was in a bag at my feet.
“Yeah, that gives us less than two hours to get ready, so we’re already cutting it close.” She smiled up at the waitress who appeared to refill our glasses. “We’ll take our checks whenever you get a chance, please.”
It took us a good ten minutes to try to fit all our bags into the trunk of my little hatchback, then I hijacked our trip to a place I knew that served vegan and regular hamburgers. It was well after six by the time we made it back to our apartments. Paige instructed me to shower, blow dry my hair, and then head over to her place to finish getting ready. I spent extra time shaving all of my legs—and other places that didn’t really seem necessary if I wasn’t going to be in a swimsuit. Then I put on my favorite lavender lotion and blew my hair dry. I slipped on a pair of leggings and a button-up shirt, as instructed, and headed to Paige’s apartment. I knocked, and she called for me to come in. Harrison would have to add her to his security lecture world tour.
I loved Paige’s apartment. She managed to make the small space open and inviting in a way that made you want to sit down on her couch and stay a while. It was bright and cheerful, just like its tenant.
Paige breezed out of her bathroom wrapped in a light pink robe with a glass of wine in her hand. She reached for my bags and replaced them with the glass of wine.
“I am so excited for tonight! We never go out together. Well, I mean we go to dinner or a movie but this is our first time going out out,” she said, looking genuinely excited.
Her enthusiasm must have been contagious, because I found myself smiling back.
“I’m excited too,” I answered surprised to find it was true. “But I think the wine was a good idea.”
“I thought you might need some liquid courage, even though you are totally going to kill in that dress. I literally cannot wait to see you when we’re done.” She grabbed my free hand and pulled me to her bathroom. She motioned for me to sit on the toilet, then freed my hair from the claw keeping it pinned to my head. Pop songs I wasn’t familiar with played from a speaker on her dresser, making me feel like this was one of those moments I had dreamed about having in high school. Getting ready to go to football games on Friday night or preparing for a school dance. I swallowed around a lump in my throat.
“Thanks for doing this, Paige. I know it probably sounds dumb, but I always wanted to do things like this.” My hand moved absently to rub the scar lining my chest.
Paige wrapped her arms around my shoulders in a half-hug, careful to keep the curling iron away from my face. I’d told Paige about my heart defect a little after we met. I had felt the need to explain both why Harrison was so insanely overprotective and why I was such a social disaster.
“Anytime you want to hit the town, Lennon, you know who to call. I’m having so much fun using you as my human doll.” She smiled at me in the mirror.
Forty minutes later, I didn’t recognize the person looking back at me.
“Holy spaceballs, Paige, I don’t even look like myself.” I ran my hands down the smooth waves in my hair. It was shining and curled to perfection. I thought I might honestly be in shock. Paige had given my eyes a natural smoky look that wasn’t too dark and made them look super green. Even my cheekbones looked more defined. The bright red lipstick that matched my nails was my favorite part. It made me feel bold.
“Go put your dress on!” She shoved me lightly out of the bedroom. “I want to see the whole look.”
I pulled the dress out of its bag and laid it on the bed next to the black clutch that I loved. I slid off my leggings and top and stepped into the dress. I had felt so good about it back in the store, but now I was suddenly nervous about all the skin it showed. Thin black straps supported a tight bodice that gave me some serious cleavage, way more than I was used to displaying. The dress was covered in gold sequins with intricate lines of black sequins that made it look like I actually had curves. I tried to tug the material further down my thighs.
“Turn around, let me see,” Paige called from the bathroom.
I slid my feet into the nude heels and turned to face her. I had to stop myself from chewing on my lip while her critical gaze swept over me.
“Lennon, you look absolutely amazing!”
“Really? You don’t think this is too short?” I tried again to pull the dress down. I didn’t think that much skin above my knee had ever been shown in public. I was pretty sure I had bathing suits that covered more.
“Uh, I don’t think that dress is short enough. You have a killer body,” she said, waving a tube of lipstick in my direction.
I snorted. “Yeah, if you’re in
to the whole thirteen-year-old boy look.”
“Hey, some of us would kill to be able to eat like you do and not gain weight. I have seen you eat an entire large pizza and wash it down with an order of breadsticks.”
It was my turn to roll my eyes.
“Oh puh-lease, you are perfect. Seriously,” I said, watching her pull on a blush-colored dress that hugged her body like it had been made just for her. She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder.
“I don’t know about that, but I do love the way my butt looks in this dress.” She gave her butt a little wiggle.
I laughed. “Jimmy’s going to love that dress for sure.”
“He better. Now get over here. We need some selfies to document this occasion.” She motioned me over. I smiled into the phone, which Paige held at a weird angle that she assured me was very flattering. The secret to taking a good selfie was all about the angle, she told me as she snapped away.
“Eat your heart out, Theo,” she said, sending our pictures out to the interwebs.
When she said his name, I realized I hadn’t even thought of him all day.
6.
Harrison: Don’t let anyone buy you a drink.
Harrison: And don’t leave your drink alone.
Harrison: You know what, just don’t drink anything.
Me: I thought accepting a drink was a signal to a potential partner that you’re interested?
Lou: Oh shit short stack, your brosef just lost it.
Harrison: Lennon, I swear to God…
I tucked my phone back into my purse as our ride pulled up to the curb. People were already swarming outside the doors. I noticed my hands were shaking a little as I followed Paige out of the car.
“You ready?” Paige asked, slipping her arm through mine.
I took a deep breath and nodded. I tried to force a smile to my lips as we approached the door. Paige showed the bouncers her phone with our tickets on them. The bouncers held the doors open for us and I felt like I was stepping into a new world.