“Hand me the spinner-bait,” I call back to Jess. He’s stretched out, feet crossed at the ankles and hands behind his head, unmoving.
“Naw, I’m good.” He holds his face to the sun, a sarcastic smile plastered to his face.
“Get your panties out of a wad. That was too fast, and you know it. You want the boat to end up in another mechanic shop?”
“Nice try. She hung you out to dry over how fast we were going that day. Her game warden daddy ain’t in this town last time I checked.”
The impatience hiding under my skin is working its way to the surface. “There’s a lot of people out on the water,” I say, walking over to the bait box and fishing out the spinner myself.
“Since when do you give a shit?”
“Goddamn it!” My voice echoes off the rock boulders, and though he wouldn’t admit it, Jess jumps in his seat. I wind back and toss the spinner-bait into the water, cursing as it soars through the air. “A fisherman hit her boyfriend. He went in the water completely fine, and when he broke the surface, a fisherman changed his life forever. Slammed right into him. You didn’t see him, man, so I get it . . . you don’t know,” I say, sitting on the leather seat, my head in my hands.
“We talkin’ about Red?” he asks, and I lift my head slightly, a furious stare meeting his face.
“Danni,” he says, holding both hands in the air. I lean my head between my knees.
“I can’t get his face out of my mind. He’s brain-dead, paralyzed . . . there’s nothing,” I say, waving my hand in front of my face. Jess’ typical smart-ass expression slips from his face. He may be an asshole, but he isn’t heartless. “That’s why she was so bent out of shape that day. Can you imagine after seeing what she’s seen, to come up on a scene like the one we created that day? And Liza, Dr. Pretty Lady, that’s his fucking sister. And we’re just the careless assholes who come to town every year.”
“Jesus, man. I didn’t know,” Jess says.
“I feel responsible. I know that sounds insane, but how many of us don’t think twice about just getting to that next fishing spot or to the weigh station as quickly as possible. That tree stump could have been anyone. Think about it, man. What if that had been someone swimming off the shore? I gotta do something.”
“Like what? You wanna join the water patrol?” he asks, with complete sincerity.
“No. Just . . . something. I’ve been thinking.” I flip open the tackle box. “Shit. That was expensive bait.” My fingers rummage through the different types of lures, and I settle on a top water click bait.
“I love fishing, this is who I’ve always been…” I begin, not really caring if he’s listening or not. Hell, I’m probably talking more to myself than anything. “But her . . . she was more than just a screw,” I repeat, walking over and grabbing my fishing pole. The small vibrations of the line leaving the reel fill my hands, and the familiar feeling of knowing just what I’m doing settles in my bones. “I think she’s changed everything. I gotta do something.”
Jess walks over beside me, staring at my bait hopping on top of the water with every pull and tug. “So, let’s do something about it, man. I’m in.” He raises his hand to my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. My bait takes a dive, and I instinctively jerk the rod, feeling the pleasure of resistance as the fish plunges toward the bottom of the lake.
“Whoa,” Jess says, racing to the back of the boat and grabbing his camera.
The bass twists and turns, testing my strength, trying its hardest to break free of my hold. I may have my hook in its mouth, but the creature still has the power to break the line if I don’t move with it. I can see the bass’ scales skimming the top of the water, its wide-open mouth visible while Jess lowers the net to help drag it in. I look down, knowing it’s a first-place win. I wait for the satisfied elation to course through my veins, but it never comes. I smile over at Jess, and he lowers the bass into the holding chamber of the boat. He looks up to me and shakes his head.
“We’re going back to Alabama, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, I guess we are.” I have to try.
Chapter Fourteen
Danni-Rose
“Why hasn’t anyone been in here?” My head juts out of the room as my voice bounces off the wall. A young man in light blue scrubs walking down the hallway jumps at my tone. “It’s been over two hours, and not one soul, not one single person, has come to check his status, his bags, nothing.” He takes a step back from me, looking down each corridor for anyone to rescue him from the crazy lady shrieking at him.
“Ma’am, I’m just a lab technician. I don’t know.” He holds up a plastic carrier containing several vials of blood, as if he owes me an explanation.
“Well, you work in this hospital, don’t you? Go find someone and tell them to get in here.” I flip my hand toward him sending him away. He nearly bumps into Liza coming through the elevator doors, two cups of coffee in hand. She pauses, looking at the distraught technician, and then back to me. A scowl forms on her face when she approaches, and I cross my arms over my chest.
“Will you please stop verbally assaulting everyone that walks by?” She walks past me and into the small room, placing the coffee down on a tray beside L.J.’s bed. The whooshing sound of a ventilator breaks the silence and the weight of what is happening around us is crushing. The rhythmic beeps of the machines monitoring his heartbeat cut through the silent room, and we both sit across from him on the couch, cups in hand. “This sucks,” she says, leaning her head against my shoulder.
“Well, if someone would get in here, and just tell us something, it might make everything a little more bearable,” I say, rising to my feet, ready to pounce on my next unsuspecting victim. Liza grabs the back of my shirt and pulls me back down, causing coffee to drip down my cup and onto my jeans.
“Just sit down.” She throws a napkin at my face, sticking to my Chapstick and causing me to sputter. I dab at the splotches on my jeans, and Liza blows out a puff of air from her mouth. “Danni…” she begins.
“Don’t you dare say it. We wait until the doctor comes in. We listen to what they have to say about the scans first, and then…” I trail off, swallowing hard. “Did you get a hold of Jackson? That asshole should be here.”
“Yep. I could hear the sound of slot machines and the giggle of what was more than likely a prostitute in the background. He may show up, he may not. Either way he’ll be high or drunk. Just as well that he isn’t here,” she says, pretending like she isn’t bothered that her big brother abandoned her. I think she still feels betrayed that he left her behind to tend to L.J. all by herself. The truth is though, trouble follows Jackson around everywhere, and the further you are away from it, the better. “Your mama called for an update. They will be here shortly.” Her fingertips tap against the plastic coffee cup.
The curtain to the ICU room swings open, our backs stiffen in unison and we sit straight, anticipating the white coat marching through the room to deliver the news. Tommy looks at us and then to the floor, the same look that most people have been giving us all week. He walks over to Liza, bending down and kissing her forehead.
“Anything?” he asks. Liza shakes her head no as he sits down on the floor at her feet.
“Hey, Danni.” His unsure eyes find my face.
“Hey, Tommy,” he looks back at the ground. I want to say more. I want to let him know that I’m thankful he’s here for Liza, and that I’m sorry for being so distant the past few years. But the only sounds left in the room are the ones keeping L.J. alive.
My mind drifts back to the series of phone calls from Liza that day. I was so busy searching the town for Benson that I never thought something could have been happening to L.J. By the time I picked myself up off the porch swing and got to my phone, I had three more missed calls from her. Never once did I think to grab my phone from the Jeep.
I had spent over an hour rocking bac
k and forth on my porch, ignoring the world around me. I would have called her back right away, right in the moment that I realized something wasn’t right, but the sight of my mama coming up the dirt road in her old beat-up truck caused me to pause. My daddy wasn’t far behind her, turning in moments after Mama stepped out of the driver’s side. I knew. I knew something had happened. I grabbed the phone, stabbing at the send button before either of them could reach me. “It’s L.J.,” Liza said, and my phone slipped through my shaking fingers, falling into the rust-colored dirt left behind by Benson’s bloody nose. I don’t remember much of anything after that, only sitting in the back of Dad’s truck while we drove to East Lake.
“He’s suffered a grand-mal seizure. They couldn’t get it under control,” Liza said, attempting to calm me when I tore through the facility entrance. She was just standing there, entirely put together, filling out papers, and I was the crazed woman unable to get her bearings. I was so jealous in that moment. Why can’t I have the peace that she has, why can’t I let go like she did?
I spent my twenty-fifth birthday on the couch of this hospital room, ignoring everyone’s pleas for me to go to dinner, to get out of this room, to do anything. Mama brought me a piece of my birthday cake here; I didn’t have a bite.
Now, after two weeks of watching and waiting, I’ve tried not to think of Benson, to stop myself from missing him, but that invisible force between the two of us is always there. Underlying everything I do. My head is stuck in this constant state of purgatory with L.J., but there’s no denying that my heart is somewhere out there on a fishing boat with Benson.
Liza is massaging Tommy’s neck with her fingers, as he runs his hands up and down her calf. Both of their eyes locked onto L.J., lying there lifeless.
“Do you think he will ever recover?” My words like a bomb exploding in the room. Tommy leans his back against Liza’s knee, locking eyes with her for a moment before she closes them.
“What does recovery look like to you, Danni? Strapped in a wheelchair, unable to do anything, say anything. Is that what you want him to recover toward? So he can go back to that?” She doesn’t look me in the face, but she doesn’t say it in anger. Some part of me knows Liza has been keeping L.J. preserved in that facility for me, because she loves me that much.
I breathe in through my nose and out my mouth. For once, the anger of it all doesn’t find me. I’m void of all the resentment I’ve been feeling toward everyone, the universe, and it’s replaced with nothing but sorrow. Sadness that he didn’t get to live the life he was meant to have. Sadness that he left me here all alone. All those plans and all those dreams obliterated, and me left here to figure it all out. Sadness about how much I miss the love that I’ve loved the most.
“I have to let him go, don’t I?”
Liza reaches her arm around my shoulder, pulling me in tight. Tommy stands, coming to sit beside me, for once not hesitant to be around me. I cry into Liza’s arms, letting the past six years leave my body in preparation for a lifetime without him. He’s been gone a long time, and I’ve been the only one holding onto something that just wasn’t there. Tommy wraps his arms around us both, leaning his head on top of Liza’s.
We sit there together, three friends who lost so much that day, and three friends finally ready to move on from the tragedy.
The curtain slides open and a doctor clears his throat in the entryway, a nurse at his side. We all take our time sitting up, pulling our way from the embrace. “I can come back…” the doctor begins, but Liza and I both shake our heads.
“Dr. James, the scans are conclusive to my suspicions. Due to Mr. James quadriplegia, the seizure had devastating effects to his already damaged frontal lobe…” Liza squeezes my hand. “His quality of life…” he begins, and Liza holds her hand up letting the doctor know she understands the severity of the situation.
“We understand. Thank you. May we have some time with him before…?” she asks, her voice cracking. Tommy pulls her in to his chest, and I push away the urge I have to be comforted by Benson, and the longing I feel to have his strong and steady presence around me.
“Of course.” The doctor leaves the room, and the nurse walks over to L.J., checking his feeding tube and the ventilator hose. She gives the same apologetic smile as the doctor gave and leaves the room.
“I need to call Jackson,” Liza says, and Tommy grabs her arm, stopping her.
“No, let me. I need to do something.” He presses his lips to hers, and takes the phone from her hands, stepping outside the room. I feel a wave of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve spent so much time pretending like I’m in this situation alone, that I’ve never asked Liza what she needs from me.
“Liza, I’m so sorry.”
She wipes her eyes, and smiles. “I’m ok, Danni. My brother left us a long time ago,” she says.
“No, I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you like I should have been. I should have been more of a friend. All I’ve ever thought about was what I lost. I’m sorry for…” I begin, dropping my hands to my sides unable to find the words.
“You weren’t ready to let him go. Thank you for loving my brother that much. He loved you that much, too. I think he sensed it,” she says, walking over and smoothing the hair off his forehead. “I think he waited until he knew there was someone else around who could love you like you deserved,” she says, as she leans down and places a kiss on L.J.’s forehead. My breath catches in my throat.
“I’m going to step outside for a minute and call my mom and dad. I’ll be back.” I pull the curtain back, and race down the hallway, punching the elevator button with my thumb. The cold metal walls feel like they are closing in around me, and I have to lean back against the railing to keep from sliding to the floor. A ding pierces the air and the doors slide open, freeing me from the coffin.
I break through the entryway doors with both hands, and breathe the cool night air deep into my lungs. I’ve always thought this moment would feel like dying too. I know that part of me died that day on the lake, and I’ve been in self-preservation mode ever since; thinking that as long as L.J. was alive I could keep breathing. But I was so wrong. How could any of us really be living the way things are? I finally feel ready to do the thing that I should have done a long time ago. What everyone has been telling me to do for the past six years. What L.J. would be screaming at the top of his lungs for me to do, if he were capable. It’s time to live my life. I let myself stop living because he couldn’t, never moving forward. But now, it’s time to try.
“Danni…” My body freezes. I feel his voice wrap around me like a warm blanket, soothing and comforting. Salty pools form in my eyes when I feel his chest press up against my back, the strength of his arms the only thing holding me up. “I’m so sorry, baby.” Benson’s voice is genuine and quiet, and he presses his lips to the top of my head. I turn my body, and wrap my arms around his waist, tears falling against his chest. I focus on the sound of his heartbeat against my cheek, allowing it to keep me grounded while the world is falling apart around me.
“I really missed you,” I say, my voice muffled into his shirt.
“I tried to stay away. I thought it was what you needed. I didn’t know. I would have dropped everything. Anything,” he says, and my hands tighten around him.
“L.J. . . . we have to . . . I,” I begin, and he smooths his hand over the back of my hair.
“Shhh, I know. I know.” He pulls me in tighter. “Your parents told me.”
I pull back, seeing his handsome face for the first time. He leans his head down, pulling my chin up with his thumb. “I came back looking for you. I checked the bakery, the state park, your house. Your mama saw me leaving and told me everything. I rode here with them. Danni . . . please don’t ask me to leave,” he says, bringing his mouth to mine and kissing me, satisfying a craving that’s been pulling me under for weeks. And then, just as quickly as I’m in his arms, a soun
d cracks in the atmosphere around us, ringing through my eardrums.
Benson’s knees buckle and his body slides from my embrace, his full weight crashes down onto the sidewalk. There’s a sticky, warm wetness coating my shirt. I fall to my knees beside Benson, unable to process what is happening around me. He was just standing here, kissing me and making my world whole again. And now, he’s lying on the concrete covered in . . . blood. Security guards rush out of the hospital, hand on their hip, and people in the parking lot are screaming. Benson’s eyes lock onto mine only for a moment before rolling back into his head, slamming shut.
“No,” I say so quietly I doubt he can hear me; my hands begin to tremble.
A nurse pushes me out of the way before ripping Benson’s shirt open, exposing an oozing black wound along his side. “Someone get her some help! She’s bleeding,” the nurse shouts in my direction. What is happening?
I look around the parking lot, blood dripping from my fingers, and it’s then that I see him. Jackson is standing on the opposite side of the pavement, gun gripped in his hands, just as the guard slams into his body, throwing him to the ground.
Chapter Fifteen
Benson
It’s not the beeping that awakens me from a sleep so deep that I swear I could have been dead. I’m not awakened by the feeling in my side that something must have been living there for ages, and now it’s trying to claw its way out through most of my major organs. The pain is acute, and it envelops my entire rib cage. It isn’t any of those things that pulls me out of hibernation. It’s her voice, and it sounds like she’s giving someone shit. It’s how I know she’s here. I want to smile, but it feels like every nerve ending is on fire. I want to reach out to her, but it feels like all the gravity of the room is holding me down.
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