Connor turned my arm over and began tracing my tattoo, something that always soothed him.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I asked.
“I’m thinking about opening this car door and jumping out.”
“Why?”
“Because this is as raw as it gets. Being up on stage, in lights, performing stories that were forged from the soul—in front of all of those people—is really fucking confronting.”
“Good.”
“What she said.” Jackson leaned forward and handed the driver our credentials when he pulled up to a security checkpoint and wound down the window.
“What? Why is that good?” Connor gave the security guard a quick nod, and I waved.
“Because you’re supposed to be nervous. Nerves are good. It means your releasing adrenaline.”
He focussed on what was happening outside the car and murmured under his breath, “I’d rather release adrenaline in a different way.”
Heat bloomed in my cheeks. He was a rock star now. So maybe I should treat him like one when we get to his dressing room. My heart thudded like mad, and I clutched my chest, a wave of dizziness hitting me.
“Are you okay?”
I waved off Connor’s concern. “Yeah, I just had an idea.”
“Must’ve been some idea,” Jackson added.
“It was.” I laughed a little. Except, I wasn’t entirely sure the idea of a pre-concert sex-session was the cause of my body’s reaction.
Something didn’t feel right.
But it would have to wait.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Connor
My dressing room was unusually quiet considering the hustle and bustle behind the door: sound techs, lighting techs, engineers, and performers, a swirling storm of organised chaos preparing for the show.
Jackson opened the door, stuck his head into the room, and announced, “Five minutes” before closing it again.
I plucked the E string on my guitar and turned the tuning peg, followed by the A, D, and G strings, and so on.
“I think she’s tuned,” Ellie said, stepping up beside me, her soft hands settling on my shoulders, her fingers massaging deep.
If it weren’t for the fact I was about to perform for over ten thousand people for the first time, I’ve absolutely no doubt she could’ve lulled me to sleep with her calm and soothing nature.
“Come here.” I propped my guitar against the sofa I was sitting on and reached for her hand, directing her to my front and guiding her to straddle my lap.
She eased down and placed her hands on either side of my face, her emerald eyes glassy, her skin pale. “You’ve got this. You’re gonna be amazing. You are amazing.”
I scoffed. “Am I?”
“Yes. I’ll be right beside you, just off stage, every step of the way.”
My throat thickened, and I struggled to swallow. “But what if the words don’t come out?”
“They will.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.” She leaned forward and pressed the sweetest kiss to my lips.
I closed my eyes and breathed her in. She was the scent of a flowerbed in spring and vanilla cake on a winter’s day. Warm and fresh. Delicious.
“Connor, your songs have always been your words when you could and couldn’t say them. That’s not going to change now.”
Fuck, I loved this woman more than I could ever express. No words, whether I sang them or not, could completely convey what my heart felt for her. And, because of that, I feared she would never truly know.
Kissing her back, I gave her a wink for peace of mind even though I didn’t agree with what she’d said. Expressing one’s emotions in front of complete strangers was easier said than done. Stage fright was fucking real. Freezing like a deer in headlights was fucking real.
She tapped my nose with her fingertip. “You can’t hide the untruth within your bones, Connor Bourke, for you are glass and I can see right through you.”
I smiled at her cute audacity. “Is that right?”
“Yes.” Ellie’s eyes chased her finger as it drew patterns over my forehead and temples. “If you must, and I don’t think you will, just close your eyes and block everyone out. Picture us by the river, just you and me … and Trevor.” She waggled her eyebrows, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Just you, me, and Trevor, ay?”
“Yep. Go back to where it all began and you’ll be fine.”
The door swung open again, and we both startled at Jackson’s intrusion.
“Time to go.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I gave Ellie’s arse a playful smack. “We’ll resume this position later.”
“Yes, we will.” She planted a quick kiss on my nose then stood up, swaying a little.
“Whoa, you all right?” I reached out to steady her, and she latched onto my arms.
“Yeah, just stood up a bit too fast, I think.”
“Baby, don’t take this wrong, but you don’t look too good.”
“I’m fine. I just need something to eat.” She leaned over and grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl that was a gift from Sony. “Come on,” she said, tugging my wrist. “You don’t want to be late for your first show.”
I halted her steps and doubled back for my guitar, taking her hand in mine once again as we walked the corridors from the dressing room to backstage.
Many people stopped to say ‘hi’ and to wish me luck. I had no idea who they were so just nodded, smiled, and tried to quiet the doubt, fear, and all the things that could possibly go wrong that were swirling inside my head like a tornado.
A crewmember slapped me on the back, breaking my thoughts. “Saxon Reed, you’re up, mate.”
I nodded, and we climbed the steps onto the edge of the stage. A large, black velvet curtain separated us from the audience, the echo of voices chanting ‘Saxon’ completely surreal.
“They’re calling for you,” Ellie said, her eyes wide. She let go of one of my hands and tried to peek through the curtain.
I shook my head and cricked my neck. “They’re not. They’re calling for Saxon.”
“Then go be Saxon!” She playfully shoved me toward the curtain but then pulled me back and kissed me hard and fast. “Be Saxon for them and Connor for me.”
Blowing out a sharp breath, I sucked in a new one and stepped into the spotlight, the roar of applause and screaming near deafening.
Mike was behind the drums, Darren on base, and Eliza was mucking around with some chords on the electric, teasing the crowd while they waited for my arrival. I raised my hand and acknowledged them before stopping at the microphone and shaking my head in awe.
“Hello, Melbourne,” I shouted, smiling as they screamed even louder. “I’m Saxon Reed, and I have a few songs to sing for you before Alanis comes out and brings the roof down.”
Mike counted us in to my opening song “Always”, and Eliza, Darren, and I started strumming, my voice filtering out of me just like Ellie said it would.
I flicked my gaze to the side of the stage and saw her bouncing up and down, clapping, and singing along, and it was the greatest feeling in the world. The stage, my music, our songs … Ellie by my side; it didn’t get any better than that.
Five songs later, and after having a little fun covering one of Alanis’s tracks, I had only one more song to play, “Ever After”. Adrenaline was pumping through my body. The crowd was swaying. A lot of them were even singing along, which blew my mind.
Bending down, I picked up my water bottle and took a quick swig, placing it down again in front of Mike’s drum kit. He thumped his foot on the bass drum pedal as a joke, and I chuckled
A woman from the crowd shouted, “I love you, Saxon Reed”, so I chuckled and told her I loved her back. I glanced over at Ellie, noticing all colour had drained from her face, and that’s when I realised what I’d said, despite Ellie knowing those words three words meant nothing to me. If anything, what had just happened was proof they were thrown
around like trash.
Wanting to make her feel special, an ingenious idea popped into my mind, and I started walking toward her.
“If you all don’t mind,” I said to the crowd, “I’d like to invite someone very special to the stage for this next song.”
Her eyes widened as I clasped her hand, and she went stiff as a board.
“What are you doing?” she whispered.
I didn’t answer. I just smiled and led her to the stage, her hand sweaty, her body shuffling like a penguin.
“Say hi to Ellie, everyone.”
They all said, “Hi, Ellie”, so she gave them a little wave and then turned to me and mouthed, “I’m gonna kill you”.
I chuckled and then dobbed her in. “She just said she’s gonna kill me. We can’t have that now, can we?”
Ellie nodded frantically at the crowd, but no matter how adorable she was, they were definitely on my side. So I shrugged, unapologetically, and dragged my stool across the stage, helping her to climb on top and get comfortable.
I wanted her here, right next to me, where she belonged, not behind some curtain. She was the reason I was on this stage in the first place, and having her share this moment with me was everything.
Taking her hand in mine, I turned over her wrist and kissed my heart. “This song is for you, baby. Always.”
She blushed and dipped her head, peeking up and then laughing before covering those damn emerald eyes. God, she was beautiful, inside and out. It made my heart sing. It made me sing.
I chuckled. “Doesn’t want to kill me now, does she?” I said to the crowd, raising my brows before strumming the opening chords to “Ever After”.
Ellie smoothed her hands along her lap and then held my eyes, completely unwavering.
The wind blows through this
And I don’t want to miss
A second of your time
And I will wait here for all of this life
Darlin’. Oh darlin’.
A tear fell to her cheek and she wiped it and smiled, so I leaned in and kissed her before starting the bridge.
My dreams will fade away
If you choose not to stay, darlin’.
Strumming louder, I turned to the crowd and sang the chorus.
You’re my ever after. How long?
Only if there’s time.
You’re my ever after. I know.
Only if it’s right.
Their voices as they sang along with me echoed throughout the stadium, the vibration reaching my very soul. So when I began the chorus for the second time, I sang one line and then held my microphone out and let them sing the next.
You’re my ever after. How long?
Only if there’s time.
You’re my ever after. I know.
Only if it’s right. Oh.
Closing my eyes, I let go of everything around me and delved into my guitar solo, letting my fingers take over, each note, each chord, an extension of my body. I hit them perfectly, no hesitation, no fear, and when I opened my eyes to focus on Ellie again, she was clutching her chest, her mouth open, her expression … unusual.
I smiled, but she didn’t smile back, so I stepped closer and sang the final lines.
You’re my ever after. How long?
Only if there’s time
You’re my ever after. I know
Only if it’s right.
Ellie’s eyes slowly closed, her hand falling to her side. And before I knew what was happening or could do anything to stop it, she slid from the stool and crashed to the ground, her head slamming the stage, her body limp. Lifeless.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Connor
Horror gripped my body as first aid officers performed CPR on Ellie, backstage, her tiny body unresponsive and jolting with each compression to her chest.
“ELLIE!” I pulled against Jackson, trying to break his hold of me. “FUCKING LET ME GO.”
I was ready to swing my fist at him, but I couldn’t hear a single thing, not even my own words. Jackson was fighting my flailing arms and shouting as well, his mouth moving, people around us moving and talking, their faces masked with shock.
“Connor.”
My name was faint, my eyes on Ellie, my senses locked on her entirely.
“Connor. CONNOR!”
All sound came screaming back, hitting me like a truck and near knocking me off my feet.
“Connor, stop fighting me. You need to stay back. Let them do their thing.”
“Is she breathing?”
“I’m … I’m not sure. Just … She’ll be fine, mate. She’ll be fine.”
Of course she would. She would start breathing any second, and open her eyes, and find mine, and smile, and laugh. And she would start breathing …
“Where the hell is that defib?” the first aid officer asked his colleague.
“It’s coming. One minute.”
The guy compressing Ellie’s chest locked eyes with the one supporting her head, and they exchanged a look that did not go unnoticed, not by me, and not by Jackson, his grip around my shoulders tightening.
“ELLIE,” I cried out, pulling to get to her again.
“Through here,” a crewmember said as she passed us, two paramedics rushing behind her, one of them carrying some kind of machine that looked like a briefcase.
“Everybody step back and make some room, please,” one of them demanded.
He placed the machine down, undid the latches, and unravelled cords while another stuck two adhesive pads to Ellie’s chest and side. He pressed a few buttons and the machine began to talk. “Assessing patient,” it said. “Administering shock. Stand clear.” The first aid officers and paramedics moved back, hands in the air. The machine made a high-pitched noise and Ellie’s body jolted.
“Check for pulse,” the paramedic said to the first aid officer.
“Checking for pulse.”
I held my breath. I didn’t need to breathe. Ellie did.
“No pulse. Starting compressions again.” He began pressing her chest, counting fast, his movements, quick. “Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen—”
“Charging. Stand clear.”
They all moved back again, hands raised.
Ellie’s body jerked for a second time, her arms stiff, her eyes closed.
“Check for pulse.”
“Checking for pulse.” He pressed his fingers against her neck. “I have one. Pulse is there.”
The first aid officer supporting her head added, “she’s breathing.”
I dropped to my knees and burst into tears.
Jackson’s grip loosened. “She’s breathing, mate. She’s breathing.”
“Ellie? Ellie, can you hear me?” a paramedic asked, hovering above her.
She didn’t answer.
“Where’s the gurney?” he asked, craning his neck, looking for it.
“Here. We’re here.” Another two paramedics arrived, pushing one of those beds on wheels.
“She’s not responding,” the paramedic said. “How long was she without oxygen?”
The first aid officer who’d been performing CPR moved back to help the other four men load her onto the gurney. “Three, maybe four minutes? We were by the stage and saw her go down. My colleague bagged her and I started chest compressions straight away.”
“Good. Let’s get her into the ambulance asap.”
“I’m going with you,” I said, breaking Jackson’s hold and moving closer.
“Who are you?”
“Her boyfriend. I was performing when she collapsed on stage.”
“Okay. Does she have any history of a heart condition?”
I shook my head, rushing beside them as we made our way through the stadium. “N … no. Not that I know of. She has asthma though.”
He nodded.
“Is she going to be okay?”
“Your girlfriend has suffered cardiac arrest. At this stage, she’s breathing but still unresponsive.”
“A heart attack? But
that can’t—Ellie’s fit, and … and she’s healthy. She doesn’t smoke.”
We exited the building to where an ambulance was waiting.
“What’s your name, son?” the paramedic asked me.
“C—Connor.”
“Okay, Connor. Ellie is stable but we need to get her to hospital right away.”
They loaded her into the ambulance, and on the way to the hospital, she opened her eyes.
“Ellie, can you hear me?” the paramedic asked.
She nodded and made a strangled cry.
I shot to her side and held her hand. “Baby, I’m here.”
“Ellie, my name is Keith. I’m a paramedic. You collapsed. You’re in an ambulance and we’re taking you to hospital, okay?”
She made another noise, and her eyes closed.
“Ellie! Baby! What’s happening?” I asked.
“She’s crashing again. Stand back.”
Keith started CPR, and the walls around me crumbled.
“One, two, three …”
I couldn’t lose her.
“Five, six, seven …”
Not now.
“Nine, ten …”
Not again.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ellie
The constant beep of a machine pulled me from sleep, the tone too slow for an alarm clock. My eyelids were heavy, like lead weights stuck to my eyes, and I was groggy, as if I’d slept for months or maybe not slept at all, possibly even still asleep and dreaming of waking up.
Disorientated and unsure, I willed my eyelids apart but there was nothing but darkness and noise, my willpower fragile and weak. I gave in to the nothingness only to hear that damn lazy alarm clock noise soon after, this time louder, this time startling me.
“Her eye twitched,” I heard Connor say, his tone urgent.
Warm hands closed around mine, and my sense of touch sparked to life, followed by smell and taste, as if they too had been in a deep sleep. I breathed in and wanted to cough then choke, bitter, hard, metallic tastes and textures crowding my mouth.
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