by David Connor
Some of the oddest parts of the male body bring great sensual pleasure, I mused, as I tickled the hair at the concave of my armpit. I wondered if Ewan could read my thoughts. I wondered if he would like to play with me there. I rubbed even longer at the thick, black thatch below my pelvic bone, making it glisten like the floating dust caught up in the bright rays of morning. When I finally soaped the shaft of my organ, to clean it, yes, but also to make it glide smoother in my hand, I looked directly at the open wall as I tested the slide—at Ewan—who did not even pretend to glance away.
“You are an exquisite specimen, Pennsylvania, a lovely, lovely man.”
“One doomed…for my sins.”
“Come closer. I have something to say.”
I made the short walk slowly and paused at the opening, which extended from my shins to the top of my knees. Ewan reached in and placed his hand on my inner thigh, upon matted hairiness and pale skin. I slowly squatted, letting his hand tenderly ride under then over my genitalia, which he termed “impressive.” He strummed the wet, sudsy down between the inside crevice of my legs as he might the strings of a guitar or a kitten’s chin. I paused, because it felt good—a word stronger than that even, I am not sure has yet been coined. I continued though down, though I could have rested there forever, and Ewan’s hand moved upward. It ran the full length of my moist torso, coming to pause on my throat. Our faces in alignment, “Kiss me,” Ewan requested.
I leaned in and thought that I shall. Ewan closed his eyes, likely expecting to meet my lips. “I want to try your cigarette,” I said against his, deciding on that instead.
Ewan smiled. He looked at me. “The first time can prove quite unpleasant.”
“You said…I am…a man. Treat me…as such.”
“As you wish.” Ewan removed his hand from my flesh, seemingly reluctant to do so. He lit up a fresh one. “Your American brand is less potent, more flavorful than what I am used to,” he said with it still in his mouth. “Tobacco is an American crop. Lean out the opening. Your sister might smell it.” He moved so I could, but remained close enough to put the cigarette to my lips and work it between my teeth. “Suck in. But not too much.”
My actions contradictory, I inhaled deeply, to prove my masculinity and immediately began to hack. I sputtered and spit onto the grass, some of it landing on Ewan’s pant leg. “I’m sorry.” The two words were a struggle as I tried to bark away the foul-tasting phlegm.
“Shh. It’s okay.” Ewan offered a smile. Was it one of amusement or comforting, I asked myself. “Try to be quieter,” he said.
I sat back embarrassed, bare buttocks on bare heels.
“It takes time,” Ewan said.
“What must…you tell me?” I asked.
“I broke things off with Fiona.”
“Oh.”
“She was hurt,” Ewan told me.
“Are you?” I inquired.
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“I’d like to touch you, Pennsylvania, more explicitly. And to bring your heat forth from your loins.”
“I’d like that,” I said, “since you…are no longer…obliged to another.” I offered him my hand.
“You awoke quite different.”
“A cigarette…is offered…to the damned. One last…forbidden pleasure…is the rite…for the condemned. There is…a peace…in setting one’s mind…against hope.”
“You must never do that.”
“Unless I do…this…will not happen.”
Ewan kissed my hand. He placed it inside the collar of his shirt, moving it to a patch of hair behind the buttons. “Do you feel my heartbeat, love?”
“Love?”
“Do you?”
“Yes, Ewan. But…”
“I wish I could lie with you. If I could go in—”
“No.”
“Or you would come out.”
“No.”
Ewan held my hand so hard that it whitened. He moved it down his torso, stopping at the top of his trousers. Propriety perhaps, but it also may have fractured my arm to yank it any further. “Would it be too forward were I to ask to take you in my mouth?”
I attempted to pull away as the ambivalence returned.
“If you get to your knees, I could press my face into you. I could find nirvana there, I am certain. We could find it together.”
I pulled harder.
“Should you refuse to see me afterward,” Ewan pleaded, “please allow me this one gift before.”
I swallowed hard then rose to my haunches, bringing the lower section of my gut to the opening. Ewan touched me there. When I got to my knees, Ewan’s hand did not move, but circled instead, gently fondling me, like I had stroked myself before.
“Hurry,” I implored.
“Is your immediacy brought on by nervousness or wanting, Pennsylvania?” Ewan cocked a brow to convey his Scottish cheekiness. “It is better not to rush,” he said.
“Under…circumstances conducive…to sweet, romantic foolery…between a stable hand and his…debutante female…perhaps. We are not…in a hay loft, Ewan…certain that…the master of the house…shall not be home anytime soon. These circumstances…are far…removed from those.”
Ewan threw his head back and laughed. “I adore you, you know. Have I brought out your humor, or was it always there?”
“Much of…how you see me…is only since you. Still, my master…is nearby, and we waste time…on talk.”
“Indeed.” Ewan took me by both hips and guided me closer. “I am honored you are sharing this moment with me.”
“Should I be able…to leave you pleased…I can rest easier once you have parted.”
“Shh,” Ewan said. “I can hold back no longer.”
Though my organ had gone flaccid, my body was rigid. And when Ewan swallowed my soft member, the sounds and untidiness of it, as saliva drooled from his lips and ran down my thighs, brought me quickly to a state of full erection. Ewan rubbed my behind as he sucked, opening the split at my rear end, warm from body heat and wet and slick from that and my bath. He explored some inside it, something I enjoyed, which meant I climaxed quite quickly. Ewan took my semen over his tongue and down his gullet with gleeful hums both musical and primal, as his own wanting member visibly pulsed inside his pants. “I love you, Pennsylvania,” he said.
“And I…you as well.”
Rather than linger in the area of my thickness, coated in secretions from it and his mouth, Ewan grabbled for my arm, directing me to lie forward. “Show me your face again.” I did as asked, of course, and with the smell and taste of sex still on it, Ewan pressed his mouth to mine. “Come away with me,” he said.
“I cannot,” I told him, even as I panted, short of air. “You must…go now.” I spoke into his open mouth.
“But…”
“Please. I told you, Ewan…this was…one final act…of dismissal. As a man…you know…common sense…diminishes…with sexual enticement. It leaves one entirely once close to climax and returns…near immediately…once spent. Mine has. Not yours surely, as you are still wanting judged by the darkening circle at the front of your pants where the need is intense. Please go. Quickly. Because…I love you so, I wish to take care…of your desires, and may be convinced…were my head…not spinning.” My delivery was breathy and suddenly slurred. “Romantic…falderal is not the source. Love, I do not feel…well. I fear for you…now.” My speech was different. Ewan had to notice the change in words. “Go…Ewan. Flee…for safety, before I—” And before I had finished them, I felt myself losing the ability to stop from falling backward, hard against the floor.
I came around with no idea how much time had passed.
“Pennsylvania.”
Someone’s hand was in the small of my back.
“Come back to me,” Ewan whispered.
“You haven’t…left me.”
“I wanted to be sure you were okay.”
“I…am. But are you?”
“Of course. I am fine
, Pennsylvania.”
I rolled over to face him and Ewan touched my cheek.
“I was worried for you, not myself,” he said. “You had a seizure.”
“A seizure?”
“You did in fact thrash about, and though you fell upon a carpet, I’m afraid it was not thick enough to save your nose from harm upon contact.”
I reached up to touch it. It bled.
“A medical condition, I suspect.” Ewan stretched. “Damn.” He grunted in obvious pain.
“What?” I asked, concerned and afraid.
“The length of time in such a cramped position, so I could keep my hand upon your back, has left me sore is all. It is you I worry for, except, as I said, I would bet your condition is treatable, probably from birth, brought on by your mother’s drinking, I would guess from what I’ve heard, if not from heredity. Surely you have read of such in books. I wish there’d been something I could have done. Trust me, Pennsylvania. You can trust me. You know that.”
Ewan paused for confirmation. I offered none.
“Had I been concerned, truly so, had I thought you needed me in any way urgently, I would have broken through the most impenetrable structure ever created. The original brickwork of this house would have been destroyed, every consequence be damned. But it is not as bad as it sounds. You settled very quickly—a seizure. Certain things can bring them on. The heat, perhaps. Stress.”
“There is that…aplenty.”
“Lack of sleep,” Ewan offered.
“My rest habits…are dreadful…of late,” I confirmed.
“I am partially responsible for that, I fear.”
Ewan continued to try to soothe me with gentle caressing. I was still so unbalanced, fatigued, and yet, restless. I could only imagine how much more I would have been without his kindness—his affection.
“For some people it is a certain food that can prompt an attack. Have you been eating anything unusual lately? More coffee, perhaps?”
“You speak so proficiently…how? Not just from books, I feel.”
“I’ve seen much in my past. The more people you know, the more knowledge you gain. Everyone has something to teach, Pennsylvania.”
“So, once again…since I know so few…I know so little.”
“To the contrary. You have taught me much.”
“Such as?” I asked.
“Love,” Ewan answered quickly. “I know it truly, perhaps for the very first time. I feel it—every haphazard decision made because of it, every abandonment of sense, every obsession love brings forth. I think of you morning, noon, and night. I dream of you, truly.”
“Why…wouldn’t Georgia just…call a seizure…such? Or Auntie Virginia…the nurse?”
“At the risk of being reminded of my own prevarication, I think perhaps Georgia feels it in her best interests to pretend it’s something else. And from what I know of her twin, from what you have written of her, she may very well disregard the science she studied for voodoo and religious or fictitious darkness. She might truly believe your affliction otherworldly.”
“Have you seen…the morning paper, Ewan?”
“What?”
The change of subject seem to baffle him.
“The newspaper. Have you seen it…yet?”
“The body in the woods again, yes. It is on the front page.”
“Georgia wants…me…uninformed. Is it…connected to…the family…in some way?”
“Pennsylvania, they drew no such conclusions. It had been a child, though, when alive. The bones were those of a young boy. It was definitely not Judah.”
I felt a momentary relief at that. And then I said, “I wish…it was me.”
Ewan gasped. “No.”
“Go, Ewan.”
“Wait. What if your sister…Virginia… What if she branded your father the devil because of seizures and not because he was a philanderer with men or with someone of another ethnicity? Many seizure disorders are hereditary? What if yours came from him?”
“What if?” The two words had always annoyed me.
“Is it not possible your father was a kind, decent, loving man?”
“What if he…wasn’t?”
“It still would not mean you are not.”
“Just go. I shall not…remember you…being here…anyway. This conversation…perhaps…our encounter…it shall all…disappear…after another spell and more sleep.”
“Please call it what it is. Please do not give your sister Virginia any credence by using a word the ignorant may apply. Furthermore, I must say this; arrogance may color my thoughts, but I believe you shall remember and relive what we did for a lengthy time to come. I will go, however, only because the sooner I leave, the sooner I can return to you with news. I shall uncover confirmations of your goodness, if not from Judah, from someone who knows. There is a saying in some circles, something such as this. ‘If one wants to know what truly goes on in a household, they should not ask the head, but rather the help.’”
“And what is meant…for me…by that?”
“Truth, dear, gentle Pennsylvania, has been something sorely lacking around this house for far too long, perhaps even in this town. I shall surely find it in another place, one I should have considered earlier. Before I go, however, please let me taste your lips once more. Come to the opening.”
He was still barely able to reach me. I could tell by the discomfort in his face when he took his hand away from me and then brought it back again.
“Come say goodbye to me properly,” he requested of me. “As lovers would. For now we are and will be again.”
I moved around. “I will…truly as that…as your lover and by way of us parting for good.” And then I did.
“We shall see. I assure you, my wonderful companion, I am at least twice as stubborn as you. Even if the memory of my mouth wet upon your body and your seed transferred with our kiss should completely disappear, Pennsylvania, rest assured that I will not.”
It hurt me to see him go, but it was for the best. I stood on wobbly legs once I could see him no more. “Georgia!” I stumbled to the pass-through. “Georgia!” I pounded on the thin panel so hard I split it. “Georgia!” There was blood on the splinters, and when I hit the metal door to the hallway with the side of my fist, leaving streaks of copper and an actual dent, it hurt my hand as much as the metal.
Georgia finally arrived. I heard the key in the lock. The moment she slid up the partition, she screamed.
“What happened?” I questioned her, not the other way around, and not about her scream.
“I…I don’t…”
“To father? To Auntie…Virginia? To her child?”
Georgia pulled a handkerchief from her cleavage, like a clumsy magician. She brought it toward my face, but pulled away before touching it there. “Your nose,” she said. “Did you have a spell? A fit?”
“What kind of fits…do I have? Are they…simply seizures, or are they…something else? Did father…have the same?”
Did I speak these words or just imagine that I did? I could not be sure, then or later.
“Brother, you are not well.”
“What was…in the paper? The body in…the woods…who was it? Do they know?”
“Pennsylvania…I can no longer deal with your moods. Virginia may have been right all along.”
“That she should have smothered me…at birth? Is that what…you wish to do now?”
“Clean yourself up and please cover your nudity. Eat something. You’ll feel better.”
“I will not!” I swiped at my tray, still where Georgia had left it, and sent it flying across the room. Silverware clashed, the iced tea glass shattered. “Food will…heal nothing. Like every oth…er word…you speak…that is just…another lie!” The verbal assault was a chore, as I was both emotionally and physically debilitated.
“I am the only person in this world you can count on,” Georgia said angrily.
“No.”
“Words after so much time, Pennsylvania,
and you use them against me. It hurts. I am—”
Suddenly, a pounding came on the kitchen door as forceful as mine had been just a short bit ago. I ignored it and continued with my tirade. As difficult as the words were to say, Ewan was right; the truth was overdue and I had nothing left to lose. “Your caring is mere pretense,” I accused. “What was once an…obsession…is now simply a…bothersome duty. There is no…love between us.”
Georgia closed her eyes slowly, like a feline showing acceptance. Perhaps she was receiving my harsh words, resigning herself to the veracity of them through my eyes. Or it may have been a barrier conversely, to keep them out, as if the senses of sight and hearing were connected.
“The sole person…on this planet…I can depend upon…is not you. Only one…comes out of will…of his own wishes,” I said.
“Who then, Brother? Tell me; who is it that?”
I did not.
“I love you. Truly.”
I regretted some of what I’d said then, for Georgia’s eyes read truth.
“You look a fright.” She touched my face, finally, then wiped her fingers on her frock. “The beard is unbecoming. Do you wish to resemble some sort of night creature?”
“I cannot shave…with a dull razor.”
“I shall bring you a new blade.”
“Are you certain…I am…to be trusted…with such…a lethal tool?”
“Is there reason not to?”
I had thought just recently of using it for nefarious purposes.