“Oh, baby…” Lauren shook her head and sat down beside him. “You know what the problem is?” she said, rubbing his back soothingly. “You’re not a monster and you’re not a beast—you just have trouble telling the difference between sexual and non-sexual touching.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean there’s a difference between giving someone a hug and wanting to fuck their brains out,” Lauren said bluntly. She sighed. “I can see why this is a problem for you—you had a really dysfunctional childhood to say the least. But I think with a little work we can move past it.”
“I don’t know.” Xairn shook his head. “And I don’t know understand how there can be different kinds of touching. All I know is that I don’t want to touch anyone but you. And when I do touch you, or you touch me, it makes me feel…” He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat.
“Feel like what?” Lauren encouraged. It was good they were talking about this, getting it out in the open.
“Feel like I want to…to do what I told you earlier.” He looked down at his hands. “Like I want to take you—bond you to me forever.”
“You’re talking about bonding sex? Where your, uh, both your…” Lauren cleared her throat. “Both your pieces of equipment are engaged?”
“Yes.” He looked up at her. “It would tie us together forever—form an unbreakable bond that could never be severed.”
“And you don’t want that with me?” Lauren tried not to feel hurt. “I mean, I know it’s really early in our relationship to be talking about a permanent commitment but I love you, Xairn. The idea of being with you forever doesn’t scare me.”
“It should.” He shook his head. “You have no idea how savage bonding sex with a Scourge can be. You’re a human female and you’re not built to withstand it—I won’t do that to you, Lauren.”
“So what are you saying?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “That we can never be together that way? Never make love?”
“It’s not making love.” His voice dropped to a growl. “It’s fucking rape. I won’t do it to you—I can’t.”
“Xairn…”
“In fact, I think it would be best if we curtailed our sexual activity for the time being.” He looked at her earnestly. “Just to be safe.”
Lauren repressed a sigh. “Okay, honey, I understand that you want to take it slow. How about this—only nonsexual touching for awhile.”
“I don’t think we should touch at all. Every time I touch you feels sexual to me,” Xairn protested.
“Right,” said Lauren firmly. “And if you don’t get used to it—desensitized to it—it always will. You need to be able to hold my hand or kiss my cheek without getting a hard-on. So look…” She stood up and placed herself in front of him again. “Here and here are off limits,” she said, pointing to her breasts and the area between her legs. “Okay?”
Xairn looked unhappy but he nodded. “All right.”
“I won’t touch your erogenous zones either,” Lauren promised. “But I will touch you everywhere else and I want you to touch me to. I want us to hold hands and hug and snuggle. I want to play with your hair and kiss your cheek and be affectionate without being sexual. And I want you to do the same thing with me.”
Xairn frowned. “But—”
“No buts.” Lauren tugged him to his feet. “Now hug me,” she ordered. “Hold me tight and promise me you won’t give up on us.”
Hesitantly, Xairn held out his arms. “All right.”
“Good.” Lauren stepped into his embrace. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him down and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Xairn. We’re going to get through this together.”
“I love you too,” he whispered. Suddenly his arms tightened around her and he crushed her to him. “So much, Lauren.” His voice was tight. “Too much, I fear.”
Though his embrace made her ribs creak, Lauren didn’t struggle. Instead she rubbed her cheek against his and relaxed into the hug. “You can’t love someone too much,” she whispered, trying to reassure him. “It’s okay, baby. Everything is going to be okay.”
* * * * *
Xairn hoped she was right but he was desperately afraid she wasn’t. Even after his earlier, painful release, holding her fragile, soft body in his arms still made him hard all over again. The warm, sweet scent of her skin and hair, the feeling of her pressed against him, was almost more than he could stand. And she wanted to do this and more every day. Wanted to kiss and hold and hug and touch constantly—Gods, even with the human DNA bonded to his own, how was he going to control himself?
Xairn knew she thought he would get used to it, to having constant physical contact with him, but that wasn’t the way the Scourge physiology was set up. Touching—no matter how minor—meant sex. But of course, nothing about his relationship with Lauren mirrored the traditional Scourge pairing. She wasn’t tied to the bed or kept in a cage all day until he wanted to fuck her, for one thing. And she wasn’t wearing his marks of possession—a fact which shouldn’t have bothered him but did. He didn’t want to hurt her but he did want her wearing something that proved she was his.
His eyes dropped involuntarily to the place where her name was burned into his chest. Lauren’s black hair covered most of the brand but he could still see a few loops of her signature through the silky strands. It doesn’t matter if she wears my name, he told himself. Because I wear hers. I belong to her—heart, body and soul. If this is what she wishes—for me to hold her, touch her—then that is what I will do. What I must do.
He would learn control for her sake. He would touch her and kiss her and receive her caresses without allowing them to push him over the edge. And no matter how many times a day he had to slip into the bathroom and give himself a painful, private release, he would do it. Anything was better than hurting the female he loved.
Anything.
Chapter Twenty-one
Nadiah’s own screams woke her. “No, no! Please let her go! Please! Please!”
“Nadiah?” Sylvan was suddenly in the room with her, his piercing blue eyes scanning the shadows for threats. “What happened?”
Sophia was right behind him. “I think she just had a bad dream.” She sat on the bed beside Nadiah and pulled her into her arms. “Hush, it’s okay. It’s all right now,” she murmured, patting her back.
Nadiah clung to her, sobbing breathlessly. She hadn’t wanted to take the offer of a spare room in their suite for fear of intruding but now she was glad Sophia had pressed her to accept. “He’s torturing her,” she gasped, trying to breathe through her sobs. “He’s hurting her—sucking her dry.”
“Who is torturing who?” Sylvan asked, coming to stand at the foot of the bed.
“The evil one—he was wearing a hood and he had glowing red eyes. That was all I could see of him but he was torturing the girl who looks like Lauren. The one I saw in my last dream.” Nadiah blotted her eyes on a corner of the sheet and tried to catch her breath.
“The AllFather.” Sylvan looked grim.
“And you’re sure it wasn’t Lauren?” Sophia asked anxiously.
Nadiah shook her head. “Definitely not. I got a good look at her face this time.” Just remembering the agonized expression on the poor girl’s face was enough to make her start crying again. Grimly, she tried to hold back the tears.
“Did you see the giants again? The ones you saw in your other dream?” Sophia wanted to know.
“No.” Nadiah blotted her eyes again. “Nothing like that. She wasn’t on Earth. She was inside a ship and there were wires running under her skin. She was attached to some kind of huge viewscreen. Images were flashing across it—terrible images.” She shivered. “I had the feeling they were her memories but twisted somehow. Made false and bitter.”
“It sounds like what he did to Baird,” Sylvan said, frowning. “Projecting the memories and then twisting them into falsehoods.”
“Is there anything we can do for her?” Sophia asked. �
�Would the council allow anyone to try a rescue attempt?”
Sylvan shook his head. “Even if they would, the Scourge Fathership is all but impenetrable. You’d have to have inside knowledge of the codes and tracking devices to get anywhere near it.”
“But Baird was able to get in when they took Olivia,” Sophia protested.
Sylvan sighed. “He was let in because he was offering a life for a life—a krik-ka-re . The AllFather relishes such agonizing deals.” He looked at Nadiah regretfully. “I’ll speak to the Council but I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do for the girl in your dream.”
“The person you ought to be talking to is that stupid detective,” Sophia burst out. “If he had listened to Nadiah in the first place, this might not have happened. I mean, maybe the police could have prevented it somehow.”
“That’s true.” Sylvan looked thoughtful. “At the very least I should follow up with him. “I’ll place a call to him tomorrow morning—that will be afternoon on his part of Earth.” He looked at Nadiah. “In the mean time, you should try to get some more sleep, daughter of my mother’s sister. You may feel better if you do.”
“I’ll try but…poor girl. Oh Goddess, I can’t stand to think of it but I can’t get it out of my head.” Nadiah looked up at him imploringly. “Sylvan, won’t you please sing me the sleep song? The one you used to sing when I had nightmares as a child?”
Sophia looked at him in obvious surprise. “You used to sing Nadiah to sleep?”
Sylvan looked embarrassed. “Only when she was very young. I used to watch her sometimes when her parents went out to functions.”
“So you were her babysitter,” Sophia said.
Sylvan looked shocked. “I never sat on her! No matter how willful she was.”
Nadiah looked at her with interest. “Is that how you discipline children on Earth when they’re naughty? You sit on them?”
“No, of course not. I just meant…oh, never mind.” Sophia shook her head. “The point is, Sylvan, you were Nadiah’s caretaker.”
“My favorite one. Sylvan always let me get away with just about anything.” Nadiah smiled at the memory.
Sylvan smiled too. “She was always a restless sleeper. Some say that vivid nightmares as a child presage one who will be especially strong in the Sight.”
“I wish I didn’t have the Sight,” Nadiah said, sighing. “I wish I didn’t have to worry about seeing such horrible things every time I close my eyes.”
“Do you usually have more than one prophetic dream in a night?” Sylvan asked.
She shook her head. “No, not usually. But nothing about this is usual for me. I’ve only had the gift for a short time.”
“Let’s trust that one dream a night is your limit.” Sylvan smiled gently and came to sit beside Sophia on the side of Nadiah’s bed. “Come, close your eyes and I’ll sing to you.”
“All right.” Reluctantly, Nadiah lay back on the bed and allowed Sophia to tuck the covers around her again. Sylvan hummed experimentally and then his warm, soft baritone filled the quiet room.
“Sleep my little one,
Close your eyes and rest.
Night has come and the grotto is dark.
Follow your dreams to Hush-a-Bye Mountain.
Climb to the top
And make your best wish.
The stars overhead will speak if you listen
And the moonlight will carry you home.
Sleep little one, sleep little one
And the moonlight will carry you home.”
When he was finished, he leaned over and kissed Nadiah’s forehead exactly as he used to when she was a tiny, frightened girl. It made her smile and she noticed that Sophie was smiling too.
“You have a beautiful voice,” she murmured to Sylvan as he rose to leave. “Why haven’t you ever sung for me before?”
He shrugged. “You never asked.”
“Well you can bet I’ll be asking from now on.” She looked at Nadiah. “Are you all right now? Or would you like me to sit with you until you can get back to sleep?”
“I’m all right.” Nadiah smiled at her. “Although…if you want to stay a little while I don’t mind.”
“I’ll stay.” Sophia looked up at her mate. “You go back to bed, hon. I’ll be there in a bit.”
“All right.” He looked at Nadiah. “Sleep well, my kin. We’re just in the next room if you have another vision.”
Nadiah shivered. “I hope I won’t. But thank you, Sylvan. And thanks for the song.”
“Anytime.” He grinned. “As long as you don’t tell Baird and Deep and Lock about it.”
“I’ll keep it to myself,” Nadiah vowed solemnly. “After all, if they knew what a sweet voice you have, they’d all be wanting a lullaby before bedtime.”
Sophia burst out laughing. “Sorry, I just had this mental image of all three of those huge Kindred warriors tucked into one bed with Sylvan serenading them.”
Nadiah laughed too. “That would be a sight.”
“And on that note, I am leaving.” Sylvan smiled. “No pun intended.”
After he left, Nadiah squeezed Sophia’s hand. “Thank you so much for letting me stay here in your suite. I was afraid I’d get in your way at first but now I’m really glad I took your offer.”
“You’re never in the way,” Sophia said. “And just think, if you hadn’t stayed with us I never would have found out what a gorgeous voice Sylvan has.”
“Yes you would have,” Nadiah protested. “As soon as you have children he’ll be singing them to sleep just like he sang to me when I was young.”
Sophia looked troubled. “I hope you’re right. I really do.”
“Did I say something wrong?” Nadiah asked worriedly. “I’m sorry.”
“No, hon, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” Sophia gave her hand a squeeze. “It’s just that Sylvan and I have been trying for awhile and I still haven’t gotten pregnant. I mean, it’s probably not a big deal. I just wish I was going to have a little boy like Liv is.”
“Of course you do.” Nadiah sat up in bed and looked at her earnestly. “Then they can play together and be like brothers.”
“Exactly.” Sophia smiled. “You understand.”
“I want sons too,” Nadiah said. “Not right away, of course. And certainly not with that horrible Yo-dah my parents picked out for me.” She shivered. “I want my first sex to be special and perfect. And if I wind up with him…Ugh, it would be like making love with a skinny, obnoxious tree.”
Sophia laughed. “Nadiah, you crack me up.”
Nadiah looked at her anxiously. “Are there cracks in your skin? Did I put them there?”
Sophia shook her head. “No, silly—I meant you’re funny. You make me laugh. Sorry—I guess the translation bacteria doesn’t cover everything, huh?”
Nadiah shook her head. “Not everything but I usually manage to get what you mean from the context.” She sighed. “I’m just tired right now.”
“Well go to sleep.” Sophia pushed Nadiah’s hair away from her forehead. Her hand felt cool and soothing. “And try to have good dreams this time.”
“I don’t try to have the visions—they just come to me,” Nadiah said fretfully. “I wish the Goddess had not chosen me for the Sight.”
“She must have done it for a reason,” Sophia said reasonably. She looked troubled. “Maybe…maybe you can stop him before he takes another girl.”
“If I can get anyone to listen to me.” Nadiah shook her head. “But from Detective Rast’s reaction I get the feeling that your law enforcement personal aren’t likely to believe anything I say.”
“Unfortunately not.” Sophia frowned. “But I promise you, Nadiah, if you have another one of these…these visions and it shows someone being taken, we’ll do everything we can to stop it. With or without help from the police or Rast or anybody else.”
“All right.” The idea put Nadiah’s mind at ease. “Thank you, Sophie,” she said, smiling up at the mate of her kin. �
��You’re going to make a wonderful mother someday. And don’t worry too much about it not happening yet—sometimes it takes awhile with Blood Kindred.”
Sophia smiled. “You would know. You’re the expert on them, right?”
“I’ve done a little research,” Nadiah admitted, smiling. It had been her ambition to be mated to a Kindred warrior—especially a Blood Kindred—from the time she was a little girl. Of course, her parents would be horrified at the thought of her polluting her pure blood lines by joining with a Kindred but Nadiah didn’t care. The huge, virile warriors were her ideal and even if they hadn’t been, anyone would have been better than the skinny, sniveling Yo-dah her parents had promised her to.
“Research, huh?” Sophia grinned. “Well then, go back to sleep and try to dream about your ‘research’ and the perfect Kindred warrior who’s going to sweep you off your feet.”
“All right.” Nadiah snuggled back into bed and sighed. “Good night, Sophie.”
“Good night, sleep tight.” Sophia smiled as she left the room, closing the door gently behind her.
Nadiah closed her eyes and tried not to dwell on the disturbing vision that had disrupted her sleep. Please Goddess, she prayed silently. Be with that girl. Protect her or at least let her torment be swiftly over. And please help me to prevent this from happening again. If you have given me this gift for a reason, please help me to use it wisely.
She felt a sense of peace after she prayed, as though the Goddess of All Life was listening. But sleep still eluded her. Turning on her side, she tried to picture the perfect Blood Kindred warrior. He would be tall and strong and he would sweep her off her feet and go with her to Tranq Prime to challenge the blood bond between herself and her betrothed. Then he would take her back with him to the Mother ship and they would live happily ever after in mated bliss just like Sophia and Sylvan.
But somehow, no matter how hard she tried to picture her perfect Kindred, he was always wearing the face of that annoying Detective Rast.
Nadiah fell asleep frowning but at least she had no more dreams.
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