by S M Mala
Pushing over 40
by
S M Mala
Published by S M Mala
Copyright © S M Mala 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this publication is to be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any forms or by any means, including photocopying, recording or any other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher/author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
All characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Visit my website: www.smmala.com or www.smmala.co.uk to see other titles.
All helpful advice and genuine comments are welcome.
Books to look out for by S M Mala:
My Mother in Law’s Lover
What he did to her
The problem of getting Rich Quik … part one
The problem of getting Rich Quik … part two
Relative Strangers
The Secret History of Hatty Ha Ha … begins
The Secret History of Hatty Ha Ha … ends
Pushing over 40
Good Vibration
To all of us who have loved and lost something precious, unable to catch it as it slipped through our fingers.
Dedicated to Nelly with all my love xxx
Then
‘Dear All
Welcome to my fortnightly(ish) update for ‘Pushing over 40’. This week we’re celebrating our two year anniversary so well done to everyone for making this website what it is … informative, caring and full of hope!
So what if we’re the wrong side of twenty one and want to have a family?
Who cares if our statistics look grim and ‘high risk’ for our age?
We know as soon as we hit the ‘40’ benchmark it’s all about numbers and statistics even though for us, it’s about having a baby… wanting one, coping with the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant and basically supporting each other in times of need.
What are my plans for the future?
To get knocked up and hopefully meet a nice man in the process, probably in that order! Joking apart, my baby for now is this website. Special thanks to everyone that contributes and who help others. It’s great to have a little ray of hope. Keep on logging in. Your thoughts and advice are invaluable to all and especially me.
Keep in touch, stay close and give hope.
Maya x
Pushing over 40’
Now
‘Dear All
I never expected to find myself writing this. It was something I always knew could happen to others but I never expected it to happen to me.
When I went for my amniocentesis results they told me something so devastating.
My baby was going to die.
I had to make some choices I thought I’d never have to think about.
I’ve lost my beloved daughter and I can’t type due to the tears blurring my vision.
The pain is nothing like I felt before.
I’ll send more information when I can face writing it down.
They have an expression for when you lose a husband, parent… why is there no word to describe when you lose a child, a baby.
You know why?
Because it’s not supposed to happen, that’s why.
Maya
Pushing over 40’
Now
Maya lay on the bed. She didn’t know what day it was as the gripping pain in her womb took over her body then turned into a sudden contraction in her back. The weight felt heavy on her abdomen as she went to the toilet and sat down. The intensity of something pushing down really hard, making her cry again. She buried her head in the towel as another large blood clot came and there was more blood to wipe away.
Slowly getting up she looked down into the toilet bowl. Nothing could shock her any more. The dark crimson blood only reminded her how her life had completely changed in a matter of days. She looked away and flushed the toilet, standing there for a few seconds.
Twelve days… that’s all it took to take away her future.
Walking back to the bedroom she laid on the bed. She gulped hard then screamed out again before crying with such intensity her body shook.
In her dreams the screams were silent but when she woke she needed to scream, hoping her sound would alleviate some of the pain.
It didn’t.
‘I’m sorry,’ she gulped crying hard hoping she would hear her. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Then
Sitting on the toilet, Maya looked at her knickers and could see the outline of a small dark stain against the black cloth. The evil witch had arrived with vengeance and she sighed slowly before grabbing a tampon then placing it in the appropriate place.
She stood up, grabbed her underwear and pulled them firmly on then walked to the sink to wash her hands before glancing at her reflection and stared for a moment.
‘Another bloody period and another step closer to the menopause, shit!’ she said to the medicine cabinet before starting to laugh to herself. ‘No man, no baby and no bloody hope.’
She breathed in deeply and tried not to cry as she noticed her teary brown eyes and look of sadness. It seemed sperm donation and baby making didn’t go hand in hand but losing money hand over fist did.
‘It’s just not bloody fair!’
‘What did you say?’ Maya heard the voice of her older brother standing outside the door. ‘Are you talking to yourself again? Look hurry up I’m dying to go.’
She flung open the door and looked at his strained expression. His brown skin was slightly flushed due to the need to pee while his dark hair looked like he had put too much hair product on. Harry’s eyes were glazed down to drinking beer.
‘I wasn’t talking to myself and you could have used the downstairs loo,’ she replied, walking past him. ‘Anyway, if I didn’t know better I’d say you were avoiding your guests.’
‘Dee drives me round the bloody bend trying to make it all perfect. She’s doing it to impress the new neighbours,’ he said, quickly walking over to the loo, pushing up the toilet seat and peeing into the bowl.
‘Do you mind not peeing in front of me!’ Maya said, looking at her brother in disgust then smirking. ‘I bet your willy’s still small like when you were a kid.’
‘Get stuffed,’ he replied and smiled back. ‘This knows how to satisfy.’
‘Lucky Dee’s so petite then it’d accommodate for your little tinkle,’ sniggered Maya as her brother showed her the finger.
‘She’s going to go ballistic when she sees you’re dressed like a workman. Come on Maya don’t wind her up any more than you have to.’
‘I forgot about the party. I wanted sandpaper for the angle grinder. How was I to know-.’
‘You knew so don’t pretend otherwise, you just got caught,’ he said knowingly.
She watched her brother shake and zip before washing his hands.
‘I hate these parties,’ she sighed. ‘Everyone always asks about blokes and babies.’
‘Tell them you’re a lesbian that’s what people think,’ Harry laughed and flicked water at her. ‘You dress like one from the eighties!’
‘They call me ‘spinster’ behind my back!’ she huffed back.
‘They don’t call you spinster,’ he said, giving her a cuddle then pinching her cheek.
‘What do they call me?’ she asked, looking up at her handsome sibling.
‘‘The Sperminator’,’ he laughed before putting on his rubbish American accent that sounded more Scottish. ‘A woman on the outlook for sperm to impregnate her scrambled eggs … at any cost.’
‘I hate you sometimes,’ she g
rimaced, pushing him away and walked down the stairs then hovered in the corridor.
Maya looked around, popping her head into the kitchen before standing at the living room door then she noticed her sister in law. Dee was wearing a smart chocolate coloured dress that only emphasised her flawless pale complexion framed by dark brown hair. Maya looked down at her scruffy jeans and out of shape khaki vest exposing her sports bra topped with an oversized hoody. Dee turned and did a double take before shaking her head at Maya and pursed her lips.
Glancing to her side, Maya saw a heavily pregnant woman and sighed deeply then realised Dee was quickly walking over to her with a tray of food.
‘Oh fuck it,’ Maya said to herself, knowing she’d never make it to the front door in time.
‘I did tell you to make an effort,’ Dee said in her soft voice with a hint of disgust on her face as she pulled at Maya’s vest. ‘What’ve you been doing?’
‘Stripping the skirting boards,’ Maya replied honestly, taking a step back. ‘I only popped round to see if you had any sandpaper then I remembered you were having a party.’
‘The party you were invited to and asked to help out at,’ Dee scolded with a look of astonishment while smiling at her passing guests. ‘I don’t know! Your mind is all over the place.’
‘I’m going to go home and change now, is that okay?’ Maya knew it was best to shut up or she’ll end up upsetting Dee and getting a kicking from Harry.
‘Good, you can’t hand anything out looking like that, can you?’ Dee scorned. ‘You better come back and please can you do something with your hair… it looks like a pineapple is sticking out from the top!’
‘Why wouldn’t I come back?’ Maya replied, feeling the top of her head where the ends of her hair were protruding out of her hair clamp. ‘You’re making me feel truly loved.’
‘I know you,’ Dee pointed a finger nearly touching Maya’s nose making it tempting to bite. ‘You’ll sit down, open that laptop and log into your bloody website.’
‘I won’t,’ Maya sheepishly replied, knowing that’s what she’d prefer to do.
‘I don’t know why your little hobby is taking over your life and stopping you from meeting someone … anyone!’ Dee sighed then laughed as Maya stuck her bottom lip out. ‘Don’t do that, you look like Eadie.’
‘If I can’t have a baby or find a man, at least I’ve got the website. That gives me some glimmer of hope,’ Maya honestly replied and looked at the male guests who were all firmly attached to someone.
‘Keep an eye on the kids for a moment and make sure all three of you stay out of trouble while I check on the food.’
‘Excuse me!’ Maya said indignantly. ‘I’m not a child you know.’
‘I know. You’re a forty two year old woman desperate for a family but too lazy to find a good man.’
‘I’m not lazy there are just none available anyway I’d prefer a sperm donor. Or a one night stand.’ Maya half smiled, only to be met with another look of disgust from her sister in law. ‘It’s a joke?’
‘You better be joking because your mother doesn’t like that sort of talk.’
‘Harry doesn’t mind and mother’s gone back to Tobago so she’s well out of earshot!’
‘Oh just look at them,’ Dee sighed seeing her children. ‘They’re trying to add who knows what to the punch bowl! Jack! Eadie! Come here now!’
Maya watched her six year old niece and nine year old nephew look startled as they quickly stepped back before walking very slowly towards their mother. Maya couldn’t help but smile at their guilty little faces.
The mix of her brother’s brown skin and Dee’s whiter than white complexion had created the two most adorable olive skinned children, both with intense dark brown eyes and extremely cheeky grins, like their dad.
‘What did I tell you?’ Dee began as Eadie rolled her eyes towards her aunt and tried to hide her smile.
Maya pursed her lips as not to laugh before getting a quick evil glare from Dee who had the same expression when she scolded her a minute ago.
‘We’re to be good,’ mumbled Jack, looking around to see if anyone could see they were getting told off.
‘And what were you putting into the punch bowl?’ asked Dee, leaning closer to them, scowling very hard as her dark hair fell forward.
‘It wasn’t our idea,’ butted in Eadie, standing with her hands on hips in defiance.
‘Am I talking to you?’
‘No,’ her niece replied, now matching her mother’s scowl.
‘Jack, what were you putting into the bowl?’
‘Adam told me to do it,’ he quietly said.
Maya and Dee looked at each other before staring at the kids. Feeling startled at the news of Dee’s brother being there, Maya held her breath.
‘Adam? I thought he wasn’t going to come,’ Dee said, slightly puzzled. ‘Uncle Adam is here?’
‘Yes,’ replied Eadie, looking at her mother as if she was stupid before pointing. ‘Over there!’
Maya watched Dee bolt over towards her wayward brother while quickly glancing back at her. Grabbing the kids, Maya marched them into the kitchen.
‘When did he arrive?’ Maya asked, not wanting Adam to spot her.
‘I don’t know,’ replied Jack, heading straight for the kitchen fridge and grimacing at the contents. ‘Where’s the lemonade?’
‘Over there,’ Maya pointed out before catching Eadie looking up at her with narrowed eyes. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You still fancy Uncle Adam?’
‘What!’ Maya was lost for words. ‘I haven’t seen him in over eighteen months and I don’t or never have fancied him.’
She knew that was a blatant lie.
‘That’s not what dad said,’ perked up Jack, pouring the drink into a plastic cup that was about to topple over.
Maya quickly grabbed the container and held it still.
‘What did your father say?’ Maya asked, feeling a wave of embarrassment sweep over her cheeks.
‘He said that you liked him but when Uncle Adam said he wouldn’t touch you with a-.’
‘Okay, I get it,’ Maya said, remembering the last conversation she had with Adam which left her ego not so much dented but completely annihilated.
She knew everyone thought it was funny… except her then boyfriend at the time, Vince.
‘Do you still like him?’ Eadie asked with a big grin. ‘Everyone likes Uncle Adam because he’s very funny and good looking. Mummy said after what happened at the party last time, Vince gave you the boot.’
‘He did not give me the boot!’ Maya snapped then pushed the pair of them into a corner in the conservatory. ‘I’m your daddy’s sister and Adam is your mummy’s brother. I’m about one hundred years older and I really don’t fancy him. Anyway, he thought the last time we met I was making a pass-.’
‘What’s a pass?’ asked Jack, throwing himself onto the chair and grimacing at the people in the room.
‘She tried to kiss him,’ piped up Eadie. ‘Then you hurt his nose and Vince got mad at you.’
‘Errr, yuk!’ said Jack, wiping his nose on his shoulder. ‘With tongues?’
‘I didn’t try to kiss him with or without tongues and you shouldn’t know about that young man!’ Maya yelped and realised her face was burning with shame as she looked around to see who was listening. ‘And the nose thing was an accident’
‘Dad said you nearly broke Uncle Adam’s nose,’ piped up Jack grabbing the remote control.
‘It’s not my fault his nose got in the way of my forehead,’ Maya sighed before sitting down next to Jack. ‘I’m going to shoot off home and get changed before any one spots I’ve gone.’
‘Auntie Mimi don’t go,’ pleaded Eadie now sitting on her lap. ‘I know you won’t come back.’
‘I will,’ fibbed Maya trying not to make eye contact with her niece.
‘You only just got here.’
‘But look at me?’ Maya said, pointing to her clothes. ‘I’m not ex
actly dressed for a party am I?’
‘But that’s because you’re a scruff,’ said Eadie with full authority.
Maya did a double take and looked at the serious expression on her niece’s face.
‘I’m not a scruff,’ Maya replied, trying not to laugh. ‘I just don’t …’ lost for words, she knew fully well she didn’t always look stylish on occasions when it mattered. ‘Okay I am sometimes but I’m going home to look nice. I’ll take fifteen minutes tops.’
‘It’ll take much longer than that,’ said a voice as Maya instantly started to feel her cheeks get hot.
‘Uncle Adam!’ squealed Eadie with delight before running up to him. ‘We did it. We added the rum to the punch bowl like you said to make the party go with a swing.’
‘Aren’t you a good girl,’ he replied, before kissing her on the forehead and glancing at Maya.
‘I better go,’ Maya quickly said, standing up and walking into the kitchen. ‘Tell your parents I’ll be back soon.’
‘You’re not leaving on my account are you?’ Adam laughed.
She quickly glanced at him. His dark brown hair and eyes sitting on a perfect tan only made his smile look sexier than she remembered. He looked more of man than when she accidentally hit him in the face. Then she examined his nose which didn’t seem permanently maimed before realising Eadie was starting to resemble her uncle.
‘I forgot about the party and as you can see, I’m not exactly dressed for it. I’ve got to go,’ she quickly replied, feeling nervous at seeing him in close proximity.
‘I just popped in,’ he said, releasing his niece and walking towards Jack to ruffle his hair before grinning at her. ‘I’ll see you in another year or so?’
‘If you’re unlucky,’ she replied and walked out of the house before mumbling and hitting her forehead really hard. ‘Just my fucking luck!’
‘Pardon me?’ she heard, walking straight into someone’s chest.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Maya groaned looking up at the man who was equally startled and saw two teenage girls standing behind him, one of whom was sniggering as the other one looked slightly anxious.