by A B Turner
“Thank you,” I said, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, “Caroline, I need you to know, I didn’t mean to risk your job, or Jacks’ or anyones’ really, I didn’t think…”
“I know, it’s okay, really it is, so what are you going to do now?”
I explained about trying to get a job, so I could start again, I could see she was listening intently but I could also see she wasn’t sure my plan could work. Finally, she spoke out,
“You can’t live like this, it could take months, and if you don’t get a job, things will only get worse.”
“I know,” I replied, wishing she had lied and told me everything was going to be fine, “but what else can I do?”
She sighed,
“Go home, sweetheart, it will give you time to think properly without the pressure of bills and rent, it’s what you have to do.”
For a split second, I wanted to argue, but the fact was, she was right, her words made sense, far more sense than my hope of getting a job immediately and being financially secure by the end of the month.
“I’ll think about it, I promise,” I said truthfully, Carline smiled and hugged me,
“I know you love being here and I know you’ll be back again, you just need some time,” she whispered. When we separated she glanced at her watch,
“I have to go, but if you need anything, please call me, do you promise?”
I nodded and thanked her again,
“Well, you take care okay? And I’ll speak to you soon,” she added, as she walked across to the front door, her footsteps echoed around the empty room and then she was gone. The tears I had held back suddenly burst out, I slumped to the floor and just sobbed uncontrollably, I felt such a complete failure and I knew I would have to go back, accepting that thought alone was enough to break me completely. Some time later, I must have crawled to my bed and slept, because when the silence was shattered by the phone ringing, it took me a moment to realise where I was,
“Hello,” I said hoarsely, wiping my sore eyes with the back of my hand,
“Hi sweetheart, it’s Kathy, Louise’s mum, I just wanted to ask you about these three parcels that have just turned up, they’re from an art gallery, so I’m guessing they’re from you.”
At first, I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but then it came to me in startling clarity,
“Oh yes, I am so sorry Kathy, I meant to call you, they’re a gift for my mother and I didn’t want her to see them, so I had them sent to you, I am so sorry, I didn’t let you know,” I knew I was gabbling but I hoped she didn’t notice,
“Oh that’s fine, I will keep them safe until you pick them up, is everything there okay?” her voice sounded so bright, I didn’t have the heart to tell her everything, so I just replied everything was fine and I’d see her soon.
“So you’ll be visiting soon?” she gasped excitedly, “Louise will be so happy to see you.”
I hesitated and then heard myself say,
“Yes, in a few days and I’m looking forward to being with her too, with both of you.”
Kathy wished me a safe trip, invited me to dinner and said a cheery goodbye, when she had gone, I carefully put the phone back on the floor by my bed. I walked over to the large window, the sky was now a dark blue, lights were starting to come on across the city and the rush hour traffic was winding its way through the narrow streets. My thoughts were disturbed by a knock at the door, at first, I wanted to ignore it, but they rapped again, making it pretty obvious they had no intention of going away, so reluctantly, I opted to answer just so I could tell them to leave. When I opened the door, Nick was standing there, he visibly sighed with relief to see me,
“Are you alright?” he asked, “I went to the gallery, but they said you’d left.”
I was so taken aback to see him, I couldn’t immediately find my voice, he looked at me, his dark eyes searching my face for some kind of answer,
“What the hell happened?” he said urgently, “Are you alright?” he asked again. Somehow I managed to gain some control, even though just being so close to him again, seemed to be making every part of my body have some kind of physical reaction – like a million tiny electric shocks hitting me at the same moment.
“I’m fine, Nick, “ I stammered, “I got fired from the gallery,” he stepped back with shock and was obviously about to speak, so I quickly continued, “but it’s okay, it was my fault, I did something stupid, so I’m going home for a while and think about what to do next.”
He reached out and took my hands in his,
“Shall I come in for a while? Just to talk, nothing else,” he asked quietly, even though every part of me was screaming to say yes, I knew if he saw how I was living now, it would only prompt more questions than I could honestly answer, or worse still, he might even offer me money which would make things even more complicated. This thought, which was undeniably true, didn’t mean, it was easy to ignore how much I wanted him just to hold me and tell me everything was going to be fine. I could get lost in being with him, for an hour, maybe a day and all that had happened could fade away. But the saner part of my mind thankfully took control,
“Thank you Nick, but all the arrangements have been made and I need to finish packing,” I sounded distant and off hand, whatever else, I didn’t want his last time with me to be like this, so I smiled at him when I added, “You would undoubtedly be a distraction.”
His concerned expression faded to be replaced by a gorgeous smile,
“Despite everything, I would like to be,” he replied, “I’ve thought about you so much.”
With his hands still holding mine, it was all I could do, not to pull him close to me, so I forced myself to let them go, a simple gesture he couldn’t fail to notice.
“So you’ll call me when you’re in the city?” he asked,” Just to see how you are.”
“I’d like that,” I replied honestly, “But now, I’d better get on with my packing.”
He leant over and gently kissed my cheek,
“Take care, okay? And I’ll see you when you get back.”
I nodded and watched him skip down the stairs to the front door, wishing I could call out to him, but this wasn’t the time. I closed the door and wandered back into the bare room, I paused and recalled exactly what this place had looked like only a matter of hours ago,
“You will be here again,” I said firmly to myself, “This is just for now, not forever.”
I sat on the broad window sill, making careful mental notes of everything, as if to make absolutely sure, I couldn’t forget a single detail. Once I was sure it was all firmly imprinted on my memory, I walked back to the wardrobe, pulled my suitcases down from the top and began to pack my clothes. The turmoil of all the emotions I had felt, had subsided, it felt as if the storm had passed and now, everything was peaceful again, perhaps that alone, was the first step back.
Chapter Ten
When I had reached home, Cal bounded out of the door to greet me, he almost hauled me out of my car and hugged me so tightly I couldn’t breathe,
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he gushed excitedly, “I can take you out for dinner to celebrate my first pictures being sold, would you like that?”
His eyes were sparkling and filled with an almost childlike wonder,
“That would be wonderful, but maybe don’t go too mad with the money, Cal, it could be a while before there’s another exhibition,” I said sounding just like a responsible big sister, he pulled a face,
“Oh don’t be boring!” he said despairingly, “Spending some won’t hurt and anyway, now I know my pictures sell, there’s always going to be more money.”
As I listened to him talk about his success, I was almost forgetting, I had bought his pictures, so even though I did believe he was talented, it could be, he would never sell another one. The weight of guilt came back and took up residence on my shoulders, I’d mistakenly thought the deception was over, but was there still the ongoing fallout to come? I didn’t kno
w, but for now, I just wanted to see him so filled with optimism and hope, as he talked about his future dreams, so I pushed all the doubt to one side and just enjoyed sharing his happiness. When we walked into the kitchen, Uncle Jim was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a large mug of hot coffee, as soon as he saw me, he stood up and hugged me,
“Hello Chicky, it’s good to have you back,” he said, his voice sounding still and calm, when compared to Cal, who was chatting away about several things at once.
“As you can see, my buddy is a bit excited,” he said grinning, nodding his head towards Cal, “You did a good thing helping him, Chicky.”
I smiled,
“He’s talented, all I did was show people.”
Jim smiled,
“Don’t make it less than it was, you’ve changed things for the better,” he insisted, “Although trying to get him to do any actual work is a bit of a struggle these days, now he’s famous.”
Cal scowled,
“I do my share,” he said abruptly, Jim smiled at him,
“Just teasing you, anyway, let your sister get some peace, we have animals to feed.”
Cal pulled on his work boots, as he promised we would talk more later, then the two of them left me alone in the kitchen. I sat down and exhaled heavily, although I hadn’t wanted to be here, it was so good to see Cal so much happier with himself, maybe this could work out after all. I wandered out to my car and pulled out the two large suitcases that now contained practically everything I owned. With some difficulty, I dragged them upstairs and into my room, dropping them heavily on to the floor, resolving to unpack them later. I wandered over to the window, at first, it seemed strange not to the city, but the rolling, lush green fields, dotted with towering trees, did have its own kind of beauty. There was an unmistakable calm here which, when I’d been young, I’d never really appreciated, it had always seemed as if there was just miles of nothing. Perhaps Caroline had been right, this was the right thing to do, to take a break and really think about my future.
It was early evening when I saw Cal and Uncle Jim walking back across the field, closest to the house, they were laughing and looked, for all the world, like father and son. They’d almost reached the gate when my attention was caught by a car driving along the lane, Mum was back, I knew I’d have to tell her, at least some of what had happened, but there was no real rush. As I went downstairs, I decided just to say I was on vacation, because I knew when she heard about me losing my job, there’d be no stopping her criticism and she’d want to know everything. That was a conversation I had no desire to begin, perhaps it could be one, we would never have to share, as I had resumes out and a new job could happen. As she came through the door, I could barely disguise my shock, she looked exhausted, her face was drawn, her once bright eyes were dimmed and, worst of all, she looked as if she’d lost way too much weight. When our eyes met, she obviously realised my concern at her appearance, as she instantly straightened and strode into the kitchen,
“I didn’t know you were coming today,” she said briskly, “Is anything wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong,” I answered hesitantly, “I just wanted to see Cal and help him celebrate.”
I could feel she wasn’t entirely convinced but chose not to push for more information, instead she told me how thrilled he had been at his success.
“I have to say, I was somewhat surprised, all three pictures were sold so quickly, but then again, I know very little about art.”
She looked steadily at me, I felt she could see right into my mind and somehow knew, some kind of deception had happened.
“Well, they sold, so clearly someone liked them,” I answered as confidently as I could manage, but her gaze didn’t shift from my face,
“So it seems,” she replied, in an effort to change the subject, I asked how she was, adding she looked tired,
“I am, but nothing a good meal and a night’s sleep won’t put right,” she replied. Cal burst into the kitchen, he looked first at her and then me,
“So, we are going out tonight?” he asked, I glanced at Mum, it was pretty obvious, she needed to rest and I was slightly angry with Cal, he didn’t see it,
“Mum’s had a long day, Cal, perhaps we should have a quiet night tonight and arrange something special for the weekend,” I suggested, Cal rolled his eyes,
“Fine, I suppose it can wait,” he said grumpily, “I might as well go to my room until dinner is ready.”
Saying nothing more or waiting for any comment from us, he kicked off his boots, obviously annoyed, and went upstairs, Mum sank down into one of the kitchen chairs.
“Thank you,” she said quietly, rubbing her forehead, “I’ve had this headache all day, perhaps I’ll have a lie down too.”
As she went to stand, she gripped on to the edge of the table, as if she was fearful of falling over, I offered my hand, but she shook her head,
“As you said, I’m just tired.”
As she walked to the kitchen door, she paused and looked back at me,
“Can you sort something out for dinner?”
“Of course, not a problem,” I replied gently, “Now go and rest for a while.”
She smiled weakly and trudged slowly up the stairs, I heard the bedroom door close and once again, the house was silent. I searched through the fridge and found most of the ingredients for a kind of pasta dish, so as quietly as I could, I set about preparing the ingredients. After all the high emotions of the past days, it was strangely therapeutic, to be chopping vegetables and the biggest problem, was working out if there was enough garlic over to flavour the bread. Once the mixture was simmering, it filled the whole house with a truly delicious aroma, which unsurprisingly, brought Cal out of his room and back down to the kitchen. He grabbed a spoon from the drawer and dipped it into the bubbling sauce,
“Oh that’s so good,” he said admiringly, “Maybe it wasn’t so and staying home,” he grinned, as he helped himself to another steaming spoonful. As it was just the two of us, I knew I had to ask him about Mum, but when I mentioned how ill she was looking, he seemed completely mystified,
“She’s fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“But Cal, she looks exhausted!” I persisted, “How can you not see that?”
He shrugged his shoulders,
“She looks the same to me, yes, she gets tired, but she’s always off to work, just the same as always.”
I took his hand and led him to sit down at the table,
“She’s getting older, Cal, she shouldn’t still be working long hours, don’t you see that?” I said, searching his face for some kind of sign, he was absorbing at least some of what I was saying.
“But she wants to go,” he whined, “What would she do if she didn’t work? It’s all she does?”
I sat back in my chair,
“That’s my point, Cal, it shouldn’t be, can’t you understand?”
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair,
“I suppose,” he muttered, looking less like a grown man and more like a disgruntled child, “But since when did you care?” he added accusingly.
“When I grew up, Cal,” I snapped back, “And I realised there was more to life than what I wanted.”
This last comment seemed to render him silent, he sat staring at the floor, obviously not knowing what to say, I felt regret for snapping, but still fully justified in making my point. I went back to the stove and stirred the pasta sauce, for a moment, Cal didn’t move, but then he stood up and brought a larger saucepan over to me,
“For the pasta,” he said quietly, I thanked him, filled the pan with water and waited for it to boil, as he laid the table for dinner. By the time Mum came downstairs, everything was peaceful, she looked at both us, but quickly decided, although she had no idea why things were so quiet, she had no real desire to risk changing the atmosphere. While we ate, I noticed Mum was only really picking at her food,
“Don’t you like it?” I asked, my voice seemed to sn
ap her out of some kind of daydream, as when she looked up from her plate, she seemed surprised to see me,
“No, it’s fine, I’m just tired and not really very hungry.”
Without saying any more, she left the table and we heard her walk slowly back upstairs, Cal watched her go, with obvious concern all over his face, as if he was actually seeing her for the first time in years,
“Do you think we should call a doctor or something?” he asked, his voice hushed out of fear he would disturb her.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, “Perhaps we should check in on her a bit later, if she still looks bad, we could call then but I’m hoping some sleep will help.”
This time, there was no argument from him and after we cleared away the dishes, we both went up to our own rooms, there didn’t seem to be anything else to do. I picked a book from the shelf, laid down on my bed and tried to read, but the words just seemed to be floating on the page as nothing written made any sense at all. My mind was way too preoccupied with everything that had happened, from my losing my job, to having to leave my place only to walk in here and find my mother sick. It felt as if I was in some kind of boxing ring with life and was getting constantly knocked down, but that was just like everyone else, all lives are a series of highs and lows. I tossed the book to one side and looked at the clock, it was 11.00, it had been a while since dinner, so it felt like the right time to check on Mum. When I walked along the landing, I was grateful when I could see her door was slightly open, it meant I wouldn’t have to risk waking her, if she was asleep. As I peered in, I could see her in bed, although she looked peaceful, I felt a sudden chill run through my whole body. I couldn’t explain it, but I just sensed something wasn’t right, so I crept in, so I could see her in the half-light. As I approached the bed, she moved and looked at me, she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out, she tried again, but still, there was only a low guttural sound and no words at all. I switched on her bedside light, so I could see her properly, and as soon as it came on, it was clear, there was something very wrong with one side of her face.