by Charity B.
After a while, he rolls over so his arm and head are hanging off the bed. He’s looking at me upside down and his hair almost touches the floor.
“Wanna listen to Rob Zombie?”
Some of his music I’m not too sure about, but I like Rob Zombie.
“Yeah!”
He pulls out his iPod, and he knows what song I want to hear without me saying it. I sing along with all the words.
“Blood on her skin
Dripping with sin.
Do it again
Living dead girl.”
We listen to music while I draw on my wall and he sits next to me on the floor, watching. We both hear the noise and look at each other. It takes us a second to register what it is, but when we do, it’s at the same time. Toben’s eyes grow wide as he turns off the iPod and throws it in the drawer. I hurry to move our bed in front of the drawing and we scramble over each other to get into our kneeling positions.
Logan was just here two days ago, what is he doing back already? I’m supposed to get a whole week!
“Hello, my playthings.”
“Hello, Logan.”
He doesn’t have the black bag with him today. In fact, he isn’t carrying anything and he’s wearing his suit. That’s a very good sign. After three large steps, he stands in front of me. Cupping my jaw and running his thumb over my lips he says, “I’m not here to play with you today, Lotus.” My chest falls as I slowly exhale and Logan turns to Toben. “Get up, you’re coming with me.”
He’s taking him away?! Why? Where are they going?
Toben obeys and gives me a scared smile as he follows Logan up the stairs. My stomach falls as hot tears pour down my face.
I don’t want to be alone…
What the hell? He’s taking me out of the basement? I don’t like leaving Tavin alone. I don’t want to be away from her. He opens the basement door and I follow him out of the room that has been my confinement for half of a year. As soon as I cross the threshold, he shuts and locks the door. I turn my head to see Tavin’s mother passed out on the couch.
Tavin’s mom, Lacie…she’s a strung-out whore if there ever was one, and the worst excuse for a mother I have ever seen. If I wouldn’t have killed my own mom, she never would’ve let this happen to us. Fathers are usually dicks, but mothers, that’s where kids are supposed to get their love.
I hate her mother. She’s allowing her own daughter, the one she carried inside of her, to get beaten and raped right beneath her feet. She’s a worthless slut. She doesn’t deserve Tavin as a daughter.
If she likes getting fucked so much, maybe you should do it with Logan’s knife.
The thought is quick and black and I hate that I have it at all.
We walk right out the front door and for the first time in six months, I’m breathing fresh air as the breeze sweeps across my skin. I hate myself for turning my head to look at my house. I wonder if my dad has ever once even thought about me since I was sold.
“He’s gone.” Logan comes up beside me and looks toward my house as well. “Took the money and I’m sure never looked back.” He gestures to the Benz. “Come now, get in.”
My dad bailed out on me. I’m not surprised, so I don’t know why I still feel a twinge of betrayal, that he left.
Logan allows me to ride shotgun and my stomach’s in knots because I don’t know what we’re doing, but I do know when it comes to Logan, it’s rarely good. He climbs in, his long legs filling up the driver’s seat as he starts the car.
It’s not until we’re on the freeway that he finally speaks.
“I’m going to tell you a little bit about myself.” Pushing back his shoulders and rolling his neck, he continues, “I met Kyle in the sixth grade, walking home from school. I always took the long way, through the woods, and one day, I came across a boy crouched down on the ground. I thought nothing of it until I got closer and saw him cutting the wings off of a crow. I had never actually done anything like that. While of course I had daydreamed of it, I’d never acted upon it. I knelt down beside him and he looked up at me, smiling as he handed me the knife with blood covered fingers. Even then he sensed our likeness-that we were the same.”
He lights a cigarette and a minute later, he keeps talking. “In the beginning, it was innocent enough, mostly just the mutilation and murder of animals, getting into fights, watching violent porn… until we were seniors in high school. That’s when everything changed.” Blowing out his drag, smoke fills the car. “Kyle had a ten-year-old sister named Clarissa. He couldn’t stand her, in fact, he was repulsed by her. He truly hated her. There was this one night, she wanted to go with us to a party. It was absurd; she was a child. Why would she think she could go to a senior party?” He shakes his head while looking into the rearview mirror. “Kyle had told her no, repeatedly. He even slammed her into the wall to get his point across, and the stupid, little bitch still wouldn’t listen. She ended up stowing away in the back of my car, but the red ribbon in her hair made her stand out at the party. Once he spotted her, Kyle snapped. He let his fury take control as he dragged her outside. I thought he was going to throw her in the car, when instead, he pulled her all the way to the tree line. By the time I caught up to them, he had already bloodied her face.” He clicks his tongue. “I do wish he hadn’t done that, I would have liked to keep it pretty. I just stood watching, simply enjoying the show until his true intentions became clear. I’ve never been so Goddamn hard in my entire life. I held her down for him and he held her for me. All the while, my eyes kept drifting to that red ribbon. I’ve always felt it was a sign or symbol of the blood we were destined to spill. Our friendship shifted that night. Together, we destroyed her into a corpse.”
Horrified. Repulsed. Disgusted. Terrified. All of the above. I’m sweating, and the way Logan is adjusting himself while he’s telling me this is going to make me get sick all over his expensive upholstery. He exhales the smoke from his cigarette before he continues his twisted tale…
“That was my awakening. We wanted-no…needed. We needed to do it again. Thus, began the macabre string of dead little girls that were, for all intents and purposes, the embodiment of Clarissa. When I founded Rissa, it was named in her honor. A few years later, while at a company Christmas party of all places, my eyes were drawn to an innocent little angel with curly, blonde hair and blue eyes. She was a stunning creature and I was still so young, I did a poor job of concealing my…fascination. I was confronted shortly after by a man asking if I liked what I saw. I couldn’t believe he outright offered her to me, easy as that. I later found out, he was her uncle and was left with the unwanted burden of being her guardian. We came to an agreed upon price and Kyle and I had our first playdate. Little Meagan West, with her framed picture of a Lotus flower above her bed. It stuck in my head so I began calling her ‘Lotus’. She was the first one that we didn’t kill right away, in fact, we kept her alive for four years. She is the reason I reward you with candy, though the first time was unplanned. I happened to have some cinnamon gummies in my pocket and I gave her one. She was so grateful for such a small gesture. To Kyle’s dismay, I brought her a treat every time.” He sighs, and if I didn’t know better, I’d almost say he looks sad. “She died the night before I married my wife, and six months later I founded the Lotus Candy Company for her. She was our experiment and we found we have very different ways of doing things. After her, we found our own girls and quickly learned that desperation and greed is the magic formula when it comes to purchasing human toys. It’s much safer as well, no missing person reports. And as far as legal documentation goes, they are all enrolled at River Forge Academy.” He turns to smirk at me. “So are you.” The click, click, click of his blinker is going to drive me fucking insane. “Within a couple years of obtaining Meagan, we were introduced to the world of heroin and it didn’t take long to learn that when adding drug addicts to the equation, it became almost too easy. I keep them until they expire, dispose of them, then purchase another.”
He’s amused as hell with hi
mself while he acts as if he is telling me the story of Peter fucking Rabbit. He’s flat out admitting to me that he’s going to kill Tavin, regardless. I don’t know why he’s telling me all this, but it makes me even more anxious to see where he’s taking me.
I wish I was back in the basement.
He startles me when he speaks because I had hoped his story was over. “It was by a stroke of luck that I found you and Tavin. Earlier this year, I was visiting the Wentworth plant and was in the bathroom when I overheard Jarod and Brian speaking of you two. Then they mentioned heroin, and I knew it was fate. Once I met her, it was sealed. I propositioned Brian for her and Jarod practically dropped to his knees begging me to take you. You didn’t cost much and I’m confident you will be more than worth the investment. The idea of having an apprentice excites me. God knows my son is too big of a fucking faggot.” He looks at me and tilts his head to the side. “You’re more like how I imagined my son would be.”
That’s not a compliment, you sick freak!
“I’m a very busy man, so I can only comfortably keep two Lotus’ at a time. I took you and Tavin on a little earlier than anticipated because I couldn’t wait. She’s fascinating, isn’t she?”
He eyes me, actually expecting me to respond. “Yes, Logan.”
Quirking his brow, he clearly loves making me squirm. “The last six months have been busy for me, though the time has come to decrease it back to two.” His head turns toward me as his haunting smile spreads across his face.
“You’re about to meet Katie Grace.”
He’s going to kill a girl tonight and his reasons for bringing me make my blood feel like it could shatter from being frozen.
We pull up to a small, one level, yellow house. It has white trim and a stone pathway that makes it kind of look like a cottage. There’s even a picket fence.
“Come along.”
As Logan gets the bag from the back seat, I get out of the car and follow him up the path. We climb onto the porch, and before he slides the key into the lock, he frowns at me.
“The rules have not changed, my plaything. Do exactly as I say or Tavin will end up like Katie, sooner rather than later.”
“Yes, Logan.”
I have to fight to keep back the tears. He’s going to kill Tavin when he’s done with her. The only thing I can do is delay the inevitable. How long will it be until he considers her ‘expired’?
I swear on my pathetic life that he will have to kill me before I will let him do that. The only reason I have stayed compliant is to keep her breathing. Once that’s off the table, so is all of my cooperation.
We enter a dark living room and go toward the back, into the kitchen. Nobody appears to be living here. There’s furniture, just not any pictures or dishes. I don’t see a phone or any electronics, either. Next to the kitchen table is a large rug, and as he pulls it away, I see a cellar door. After unlocking it, he lifts it by the latch and begins his descent down the steps. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I follow him deeper into his distorted reality.
The cellar is a large room consisting of a cot, fridge, toilet, microwave, TV, DVD player, washer, dryer, radio, rack of clothes, and drain with a shower head. Oh, and of course the red headed teenager kneeling before us.
“Good evening, Lotus.”
“Good evening, Logan.” She doesn’t even look at me.
I think she’s high school age. She refuses to take her gaze off Logan, and even though her face is hollow and empty, her eyes are on fire.
Logan’s hand lands on my shoulder. “This is Toben. He is going to play with us today.”
Her eyes flip to me and fill with horror, taking on an instant shine.
“Logan he’s…so young.”
He walks away from me to comb his fingers through her hair. “Don’t worry, he won’t be playing in that sense.” Moving to stand behind her, he lets his hand trail across her neck. “Do you know what today is, Lotus?”
“Yes, Logan. It’s our five-year anniversary.”
“That’s right.”
She has on a spaghetti strap sundress that he rips before leaning forward so I can’t see his face. I jump from her scream and when he lifts his head, there’s blood covering his mouth and face. He makes a show of swallowing and grins at me with red teeth.
I don’t know why I can’t hold it down this particular time. Maybe it’s my fear from what he just told me, or maybe cannibalism is where my stomach draws the line. Either way, I lose everything I had eaten earlier, with Tavin.
I don’t even get it all out before his fist lands against my jaw.
“You fucking, faggot pussy! Hold your shit together.” Katie is crying quietly when I hear the unzipping of the bag. “It’s about to get a lot worse than that.”
From that point on, things get blurry. I don’t know if my eyes aren’t registering to my brain what’s happening or if I just shut down from time to time, because everything is in shards. I remember the sounds of bones cracking, the sizzle of burning flesh, her horrific wails…and all I see is blood. I know I participated in beating her, I simply can’t remember actually doing it.
When I begin to gain my focus, I am staring at the first dead body I’ve ever seen. He really did it. He actually killed her. She is barely recognizable as a person. I want to weep for her, but the sobs are caught in my throat.
My hands.
My hands are dripping, actually dripping with her blood. Something cracks inside me as a howl tears from within and my body shakes with fear and fury. Up to this point, in the back of my mind, I still thought that we might get free of him some day. Now I know the truth. We will never be normal after this and we will never be free.
Logan is standing beneath the stream of water in the shower, ignoring me and my cries. I pass the dead girl to go to the bag and pull out the first sharp thing I see. It’s round with little razors coming off of it. Turning, I charge straight for the shower with my eyes set on my sadistic target.
I pull back my arm for momentum, and bring the weapon down to slice at whatever piece of his body I can. He senses me at the exact moment before the blade comes in contact with his side, minimizing the damage I could have inflicted.
He knocks me to the ground and is on top of me instantly, his wet body is dripping water onto my face. While his voice is firm and hard, it’s surprisingly not angry.
“I just lost a Lotus and I can tell that she’s your first dead body, so I am feeling generous. I want you to be my protégé, Toben. I know this is still difficult for you, but if you will just give in, you will see this is all quite fun.” He pushes off of me. “Now, clean yourself up, we need to head back.”
Slipping the clean T-shirt he brought me, over my head, I watch him stuff the clothes I had been wearing into a garbage bag along with his and Katie’s. He picks up the black tool bag, gives her corpse a last glance, and releases a slow breath.
“Come now.”
We’re just going to leave her here to rot? I quietly cry for her soul as I follow him out. I feel different than I did before I came into this cellar. Someday, that will be Tavin. I don’t have any idea how to stop it, I just know I have to. I can’t let that happen to her.
It’s nearly three hours back to Shadoebox City. The trip back is mostly silent. Pink Floyd plays quietly through the speakers, and I want the needle so bad right now. I don’t want to feel this, this…fear. Intense terror. I want to feel peaceful and happy again.
“Logan?” He raises a brow in question and lowers the music, so I continue, “I know this isn’t mine and Tavin’s day, but…can I get a fix when we get back to the basement?”
Nodding, he exhales his cigarette smoke. “Under the circumstances, I’ll allow it this time. None for Lotus, though.”
I choke out the vilest of sentences, “Thank you, Logan.”
“Toben!”
Tavin leans over me, yelling. Why is she so upset? I sit up and realize I’m back in the basement lying on our bed.
“Relax, Tav…
just come lie with me.” She’s cute when she’s mad, so I smile.
Her skin is alive against mine when she sighs, “You’re high.”
Beautiful girl…my beautiful shadow girl…she’s so incredible…everything is incredible… “Hmmm.”
She snuggles up close to me and I think our skin fuses together, as I hear her crying.
“I was so scared that you wouldn’t come back. I can’t do this alone, Toben, I need you.”
“I need you, too.”
I kiss her tears and they taste like rain. Her skin smells like almonds. How could I not have seen that beauty is everywhere?
It’s in her tears.
It was in Katie’s blood.
It’s in this sickness growing inside me.
One month later—October, 2002
I KEEP THINKING HE HAS to be almost done. I’m so tired that if it wasn’t for my excitement to celebrate Toben’s birthday, I would probably fall asleep. He turned eleven yesterday and we had our own party last night, but we didn’t have cake.
Logan has cake.
This is our first playdate in over two weeks. Logan has been out of town and even though it was a really nice break, he’s making up for it now. It makes me so mad that he forces me to be quiet when he hurts me. He doesn’t want to hear any sounds other than breathing, while he can make all the gross noises he wants. It makes me sick!
And you make him sick, so you’re even.
Toben is kneeling on the floor and even though I wish I could look at him, I can’t. I have to watch Logan when we play.
Always.
Since the first time he left with Logan last month, something is different with him. It isn’t a change in his personality or anything. Sometimes he just checks out. I’ve had to snap my fingers at him on more than one occasion, to get him to hear me. He says all they do is run errands, I just think he isn’t telling me something.
I could cry with joy when Logan finishes and cleans up. Well, I could always cry with joy, but today I bounce with anticipation as I kneel, no matter how much my throat hurts from his hands squeezing my neck, and my body drums with a throbbing soreness.