by Gina Manis
“Thank you, sis,” I mumble to her. “Try not to worry too much for us. I am going to take care of Jenna.”
“I know you will,” she says, and I turn away, taking off in the air. We climb high in the sky, and as I soar, I look down at the woman in my arms. Her eyes are open, but she looks at nothing. Will she ever look at me again? I hope with all my heart that she will.
“Come back to me, Jenna,” I whisper to her as I rub my nose against her cheek. I can’t resist kissing her lips softly, but there is no response from her.
We arrive back home, and I bring my wings back in to take her into the house. I came home yesterday and cleaned up the mess. The house was nearly torn apart, with food on the table and floor.
I could see Jenna had put up a fight with Jared. A chair had been broken, and the bookshelf torn from the wall, its contents scattered across the room. I found a knife lying by the bed with blood on it. She must have cut him, as she didn’t have any marks on her from a knife.
At least the bruises on her face were healing, but she had other marks of abuse all over her. I lay her down on the clean bed. I had thought of burning it before, but I wouldn’t have had any place for her to rest. The only comfort I have is in knowing that she wasn’t raped, as I had thought she might have been. Katy had confirmed that for me, but still, what she had to live through had done enough damage.
“I am going to try, Jenna,” I say, sitting on the bed beside her. She just stares up at the ceiling. “Please do your part and come back to me.”
◊ ◊ ◊
“That’s it, Jenna,” I say, leading her out the front door. She is becoming more responsive to me now, getting up and moving around at times. It has been ten days we have been home. She looks at me, but she says nothing. I think she knows it is me, but she does nothing I ask or acknowledge I am present. At least she doesn’t flinch away from my touch and lets me take care of her.
I say her name a lot, wanting her to know I am talking to her. I’m not sure if she hears me. I can lead her around or help her dress—the necessary things. I am thankful she is feeding herself and getting out of bed now. I feel like she is coming back to me slowly, and it is exciting to see a little more life in her each day.
I sit her down on the porch with me and start shelling some peas for dinner. She looks out as the sun is slowly lowering in the sky. I see her gaze move occasionally and smile. She has told me before how much she loves this view off our porch. It is beautiful with a slope downwards in the front yard allowing for a person to see over leagues of mountains. She will love it this coming winter when all is white with snow.
She scared the crap out of me a few days ago, as she has started to wander around. I returned from my traps, and upon entering the house, quickly discovered she wasn’t there. I panicked, running around like a madman until I found her by the barn. She was sitting there on the ground watching the rabbits. She stuck her fingers through the cage and was petting one of them. At least she didn’t open the door and let them all out because we are having rabbit stew tonight. The peas are for tomorrow, but I wanted to get a jump start.
Charles and Simon are coming with Katy and the baby tomorrow. She will stay here with Jenna while we cut some trees. They offered to help stock us up for this coming winter. I didn’t want to leave Jenna alone all day. She could wander off in the woods and get lost.
Winter is coming, though, and we will need lots of wood to stay warm. We had no stock at all, and it is why Charles and Simon offered to help me. I couldn’t refuse, and we needed to get started. Once the primary cutting is done, and we get the logs here, I can focus on cutting them up and not have to leave her for long.
One thing is, I will be glad to see Katy and show her the progress Jenna has made. She will be thrilled with the progress Jenna has made. I love that Katy hasn’t gotten to know Jenna yet, yet she already shows her love and compassion. It is what Jenna needs most of all, I think. To know she is loved and that we need her.
◊ ◊ ◊
The full moon has come and gone as I look up at the night sky. All day I split firewood for us, as the nights are becoming chilly. Jenna is in the house bathing, and I give her privacy. Jenna has been heating her own baths recently and preparing them. She does so almost every night, and I end up out here on the porch, sometimes waiting for what feels like forever for her to finish.
I’m not the best housekeeper, but Jenna is an immaculate person. I never noticed much before until I came home today after Charles and Simon came to help me take down another tree. The house had been cleaned from top to bottom, just like when we had first moved in. Dinner was on the stove, and Jenna was waiting on the porch.
When she saw me, she stood, and it was the first time she looked into my eyes. I was lost in them. I walked up to the porch, never taking my eyes from her. She recognized me, and knowing I had her attention and awareness made me feel so happy and hopeful. She walked over and surprisingly, took my hand, pulling me into the house.
I looked around, seeing the place was spotless, and a huge meal was on the table for everyone. Katy stepped in the doorway and said, “I don’t know what happened. I was talking to her, and she just got up and started cleaning. I helped some, but Jenna did most of this on her own.”
Simon and Charles come up behind Katy and look in as Simon takes the baby. Charles looked at me, “Looks good but smells even better.”
We all fixed our plates and sat out on the porch, eating and talking among ourselves. Jenna didn’t seem to mind Charles or Simon being here, but she didn’t listen too much to our conversations. When we finished, and they left, Jenna was back at it, cleaning everything up spotless.
She then ran her bathwater and looked at me to leave her alone. I stepped out on the porch, waiting for the longest time tonight. It is just a short while later that I hear her sobs and know something has snapped inside her. I want to help, but I don’t know how. She asked me to leave, and I had to respect that.
I throw down my smoke, something a rarely do but always kept a little around. I needed to check on Jenna and turn towards the door and pause, bracing myself for what I am about to see. She could be naked and I have been aroused by her today. I haven’t allowed myself to be in awhile now but the way she looked at me earlier, I can’t help the reaction. She saw me again, she looked into my eyes and I have waited so long to see a piece of her again.
I lift the hatch and see her sitting in the water. Her head was resting on her knees, her eyes open, and her gaze travels to mine.
The water has to be cold, and I walk over and lift her in my arms. She comes to me willingly and rests her head on my shoulder, her arms wrap around my neck. I let the water drip back in the tub as she rests against me. Her body is now healed, but her mind isn’t.
I try not to look at her as I lay her in the bed and cover with a blanket. I have been tending to her for some time, but the way she has looked at me makes my eyes wander. She reaches for my hand and takes it in hers and I look back into those beautiful eyes.
“Rest Jenna,” I say softly to her. “I am here.”
She nods her head at me, the first time she actually has given me any kind of answer. I sit down in a chair by the bed as she rolls over and goes to sleep. I’m concerned of what is on her mind and hope she rests well. Hopefully, she will find some peace in her dreams with her Bran. That he can give her the comfort I can’t.
In the nights that follow, she takes her bath, and I wait. She doesn’t cry anymore, but I feel there is some need she has for them. Most people do not want to bathe so much, but I like that Jenna does. It is her fresh scent that entangles me every night. I long for the day I might hold her.
When will I hear her sweet voice again? Her continued silence worries me. It is lonely at times, even with her with me. Still, I am not going anywhere. I will never leave her.
◊ ◊ ◊
“Don’t leave me.”
I am startled awake by the sound of her voice. I sit up
and look to the bed as she whimpers and see her hands raised in the air. It is the first time I have heard her say anything in almost two moon cycles now. I get up and move to the bed to sit on its edge, thinking she is in distress. Should I wake her?
“I’m trying,” she says as she cries. “It’s hard to wake, Bran.”
I stiffen, hearing his name on her lips, but I know she must be with him in her dreams. Curious about what she sees with him, I decide to answer her and see if she will say more. I want to hear her voice so badly; it doesn’t matter she speaks to him. I take her hand and rub it between my fingers, saying, “I know you're trying.”
“I feel him near,” she sobs, shaking her head. “He touches me.”
“Don’t be frightened,” I mumble, assuring her I mean no harm. “You are safe with me.”
“I love him.”
Is she talking about me to Bran? Why would she do that? Doesn’t he make her feel something that even I can’t give her?
“I know, Jenna,” I say, tears coming into my own eyes. I don’t know if she is talking about loving him or me, but it doesn’t matter. If it brings her some comfort, I am willing to give that to her. “I know you love him.”
“I can’t find my way out,” she weeps. “Please, Bran, help me get back to him.”
Oh, Gods, this is so hard to listen to, but I can’t help myself. I have longed to hear her sweet voice for so long now. I realize that while it is Bran whom she speaks to, it is me she speaks of.
Maybe her dreams of him are not what I have thought all this time. Perhaps he helps her in ways I can’t. Whatever world Jenna is lost in, Bran is there, which comforts me because I know it isn’t agony for her.
“Jenna. Please come back to me,” I beg, bringing her hand to my chest. It is a comfort that she doesn’t pull away from me. “I love you, too.”
She opens her eyes and looks at me, and I stop breathing. I am even more surprised when she slowly sits up and touches my face. Her eyes are glazed over slightly, like she is still dreaming.
“Jenna?” I whisper her name as I brush my knuckles along her cheek. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.
She looks away from me, and I think I have lost her again, “You brought him to me?”
I don’t know who she is talking to and whisper to her, “What is it?”
She looks back at me, touches my face with both her hands. The smile she gives me is like a light in the window after a long journey home. “Can I kiss him?”
I inhale sharply as she looks at my lips. It is like she is speaking with someone else but knows it is me in front of her. She pulls my face closer to hers and brushes her lips against mine. I still haven’t breathed, but I can’t help my exhalation.
“Umm,” she moans as she slants her lips more fully over mine. I don’t move, afraid to. I don’t even kiss her back, but she presses harder into my lips, and I can’t resist anymore and open for her.
Soft, light kisses she gives to me freely as she pulls me down on the bed with her. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I should stop this, but I can’t. She tastes so good and is willing.
I still don’t touch her, even as our kiss deepens. Her tongue darts into my mouth, searching for mine, and I shiver from head to toe. I kiss her back more freely now, and she groans again. The sound of her pleasure is driving me insane with need, but I will not touch her. I can’t scare her like I did last time.
Her hands run down my chest and to my stomach, and I break away from our kiss when I feel her hands going lower. “Jenna?”
“Make love to me, Arrow,” she pleads as her lips search out and find my neck.
Her request snaps something inside me, and I pull away, leaving the bed altogether. I look down at her, trying to catch my breath, but there is no hope for me. She has stolen it.
“I can’t do that,” I mumble, running my hands in my hair. My entire body is shaking. “Jenna, I know you’re in some kind of dream state, and the Gods know how much I want you, but I need you to return to me. I need you to wake up.”
She shakes her head at me as she cries again, “I can’t.”
“You can,” I tell her. “Please, Jenna. Listen to me. Listen to Bran. You need to wake up.”
I turn away from her then and go straight for the door. I need some air.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Jenna
Arrow is with me always, and I don’t know why he stays. I have tried to speak to him, but the words just will not come. It is like my brain has stopped functioning, and I no longer know how to speak. I have started to hum at least and do so often when he is around. I see his eyes light up when I do, and it makes me happy.
We are walking in the forest, him leading me as we go around checking his traps. I don’t know where I am as direction seems to be an issue for me, but don’t care. I will follow Arrow wherever he wants to take me because I love him.
I have tried to express this to him several times now, but I have failed. I feel this urge to know him on a deeper level but can’t push myself into speaking to him. Arrow tends to me like I am a doll. Since I have been doing more, he no longer looks at me with pity. Instead, I see a longing in him, and I can feel it, too, because my heart aches for him.
I recall a dream I had of him one night, where I could speak. I offered myself to him, but he pulled away. He wants me to wake from this, but he doesn’t realize that I am already here with him—just without a voice.
“Why did you bring him here?” I yell at Bran, mad that he brought Arrow into our dreams.
“I didn’t. You did when you opened your eyes and looked at him,” he whispers to me. “I want you to be happy with him, but I can’t help feel a little jealous when you bring him into it.”
“I don’t understand,” I say, shaking my head.
“I get your dreams only. Arrow gets you in real time,” he says, not looking too pleased.
“What are you saying, Bran?”
“I… I don’t know anymore,” he says, looking distressed. “I’m not supposed to become so attached. I want to be the one to heal you, to love you, but it isn’t me. It is him.”
“Bran,” I touch his shoulder, and he pulls me into his arms, hugging me close. I feel so safe in his arms. “I love you.”
“You’re not supposed to love me,” he says, looking deeply into my eyes. “I am just showing you a path forward, to give you hope for the future, not to become a part of it.”
“But you are,” I caress his face.
“That night in the hotel, you left my arms for his,” he says, not looking too pleased. “You want him, not me.”
Things are changing between Bran and me. I am with him so much now in the dream state. He pushes me to leave, but I hold onto him. He doesn’t want me to love him, but I do. Without him, I know I could never move into the future he speaks of with Arrow. It scares me because I don’t know where that will leave Bran and me, but I push forward because Arrow is with me, and I love him, too.
Arrow is real, and sometimes I wonder if Bran is just my mind dealing with my past. He is perfect to me, where Arrow has flaws. They no longer frighten me, though, and I long to speak to him; To feel his arms around me once more.
I know time has passed. Time doesn’t seem right to me. How long has it been since I have talked to Arrow? Maybe he is right, and we shouldn’t move forward until I do. I know something is still holding me back.
I don’t like to think of that day when Jared came. The way he touched me and the words he said. I paid them little mind at the time, but my mind has dwelled on them for a while. It is because of Katy and what she said to me one day.
She was a talker and had been talking about Simon and Charles and how they all came together. She and Simon had dated, and Charles didn’t like it. He was always whispering things in her ear that always seem to have a double meaning.
It was the double meaning that made me snap up into attention, and Jared entered my mi
nd. The things he said made it sound like… he had been there when I was raped. He couldn’t have been, but the things he said make me feel so dirty.
I was unclean and needed to bathe. I could feel Jared’s hand on me; the bugs crawled on my skin. I scrub myself every night until I am red and raw, but still, I feel his touch. I sit in the water and wait to feel clean again. It doesn’t come, and each night I bathe, hoping to wash him away.
I don’t know why I hold unto his despicable memory. His words still echo in my head, and he haunts me.
“You see that, Jenna,” Arrow says to me as he points up to the peaks of the mountains, and it snaps me out of my thoughts. “It is snowing at the tops again. Give it another two full moons, and we will have it here.”
He picks a piece of the tall grass and cleans it with his finger before putting it in his mouth. I don’t see why he does that but can’t ask him.
“I need to make a trip to the village and buy some extra supplies for us,” he says, looking back at me. “I was thinking of taking you over to Katy’s, and you can stay with her while I am gone. I don’t want you to be alone.”
Katy has been a dear friend, coming around every so often and spending time with me. I love holding her baby and playing with him, but I don’t want to go to her house and spend days away from Arrow. I want to go with him to the village, and it saddens me he doesn’t want to take me.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he says, scolding me. “I know you love Katy and the baby; I see how you play with him. He is getting big, isn’t he?”
I nod my head with a smile. I do love them, but I wanted to go with him. I shake my head now and touch his chest, and he tenses. He doesn’t like me to touch him for some reason, but I do when I need to express something to him. I want him to know I want to go with him.
He removes my hand but keeps it in his, “I don’t think it is a good idea for you to go, Jenna.”