by Deanna Hall
The guy got up, rubbing his jaw, which I had broken, though he was too drunk to notice. “You little bitch, you’ll pay for that.” He slurred as he lunged for me.
I slid between his legs, spun around, and kicked him in the back, causing him to fall on his face. Then I leaped on his back, lifted his head by the hair, then slammed it against the floor over and over.
Finally, Bodie grabbed me around the waist, hauling me off the guy. “You have won, Miakoda. Stop.” I started to struggle with him to get free. He tightened his hold on me. “Miakoda, she is safe now. We will not let him hurt her again.”
Still trembling with rage, I realized I’d lost control. I broke loose of Bodie’s arms and ran outside. Bodie dragged the man outside, throwing him in the dirt. “You will leave here, Lou, and never return. That is tribal law now. Your wife will pack your belongings, and I will leave them on the main road outside of the res. in the morning. Now go.” The man stumbled to a junk car and drove off.
Bodie found me sitting on the grass, head hung in shame. I didn’t know what to say, so I remained silent. Bodie sat on the grass next to me. “You fight well, Miakoda, in any form. I do not think I would want to try and best you.”
Bodie was calling me Miakoda, which I took as a bad sign. I stared at my hands, fisted in my lap. “I’m sorry, Bodie. I don’t know what happened. I just lost it. That scene brought back to many memories. Ones I try to keep buried. And you thought you were the monster.”
Bodie took one of my hands. Spreading my fingers, he put it against his palm. “You are not a monster, Mia. You have a strong need to protect others and a great deal of repressed anger. I did not know you were holding in so much anguish; you hide it well.
I felt it just now. I do not know how you control it at all alone. You do not have to bear it alone anymore. Let me take some of the burden of it, Mia. I have strong shoulders. I can help you cope with it.”
I leaned against him. “I love you, Bodie.” His face lit up with a huge smile. His smiles were rare. I wondered what prompted one at a moment like this. I asked, “What?”
“That is the first time you told me that. Your words fill my heart with joy. I have wished to say those words to you; only I was afraid they would not be welcomed.” Bodie confessed.
“Are you trying to say you love me, too?” I asked.
“Yes, Awensa. I have loved you from the minute you looked in my eyes at the Powwow.” After we shared a long kiss, we went back inside.
The woman was holding the baby, with the little girl clinging to her legs. All of them were sobbing. I picked up the girl, trying to calm her down. Despite being grateful, the mother, Bodie, called her May, was afraid. Now that we’d banished her husband, she didn’t know how they would survive.
Reaching out with my spirit, I soothed her fears, as I washed and bandaged her cuts. “May, this is not a life. It’s an existence. You and your children deserve better.”
Though she agreed, she explained she had no income now. Bodie and I assured her we’d make sure they had everything they needed. After we helped her clean up the mess and get the kids settled, we left.
Pregnant
Mia
Three months went by. I avoided my grandfather as much as possible. Considering he lived in the same small house with us, it wasn’t easy. This life became more bearable as the days passed. I wasn’t exactly happy; nevertheless, I was more content than I’d ever expected to be under the circumstances.
We had a bonfire with our friends every night now. The boys would play their guitars, and we’d all sing along. We’d run together with the pack once a week as well. Yet, even with the unexpected connection to these people and the bond with Bodie, I missed Dakota with a desperate need I could barely stand. I knew Makala missed Charlie as much as I missed Dakota. However, I reluctantly agreed with Makala; this situation wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been.
There was an ache in my heart that nothing could mend, not even Bodie’s love, yet he and the people here had eased the sharp pain to a dull ache. It was hard knowing Dakota was so close and yet so far out of reach.
My first and last thought every day was of Dakota. I’d closed my eyes and picture him smiling at me with such love. I told them him I loved him every night in my head before I went to sleep. I’d push my spirit to him, willing him to feel my love. Sometimes I got a feeling of warmth back. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. Whatever it was, it gave me comfort.
I tried not to show how much I missed Dakota though sometimes I thought I might lose my mind. I would get reticent and withdrawn. Bodie always knew. Instead of saying anything, he would just hold me.
Bodie had a very calming effect on me. Sometimes I’d wake up to find Bodie watching me sleep. He told me it was because he couldn’t shake the feeling he was dreaming. He was afraid one day he’d wake from it,, and I’d be gone. I’d kiss him to prove I wasn’t a dream making him smile.
His smiles were rare, making everyone precious, so I made sure I always rewarded him for them with a kiss. I noticed he was smiling more every day. A few times, I’d even heard him laugh.
The week before Thanksgiving, I woke up depressed. It was very early. The sun was just a sliver of light on the horizon. Crawling out of bed, without disturbing Makala and Bodie. I went outside to the corral. Leaping onto Star’s back, I lay against her.
As I lay there running my fingers through her mane, I told her, “Guess what, Star? It’s almost Thanksgiving. It would have been my first holiday in my new house with Dakota. I haven’t celebrated a holiday since my parents died. We would have invited Kotah’s family down, along with Paul, Beth, Chase, and all our friends.
It would have been a big feast. The house would have been wall to wall people. There would have been music and dancing. Donnie and I would have fought over Call of Duty. Peter would have kept everyone laughing like he always does. It would have been another first memory for Dakotah and me.”
“It sounds wonderful, Awensa.” Startled, I sat up. Wiping a tear that had escaped, I said, “Bodie, I didn’t hear you approach. I, um, I couldn’t sleep anymore.”
Bodie jumped up on the back of Star behind me. Putting his arms around me, he told me, “It is alright to grieve for what you have lost, Mia. I know you hide it to spare my feelings. You do not need too.”
I leaned back, resting my head against his chest. “I don’t want you to feel guilty, Bodie, or think I don’t love you. This is my life now. I have accepted it. All things considered, I am even content with it, thanks to you. It’s just hard sometimes. Memories of what I had and what I’m missing invade my thoughts and dreams.
Penny must have had her baby by now. I’ll never even get to see her or hold her. I don’t even know what they named her. CJ and Peter probably got married to my sisters. I missed it all. My home was so perfect. You would have loved it. I only spent a little more than a week there. Cinnamon, my horse, must think I abandoned her by now.”
A vision of Dakota invaded my mind. He was looking at me with that intense, dark look in his eyes. The look that showed possession, all-encompassing love, and the promise of unbridled passion. The look that turned me to jelly and filled me with overwhelming love for him. Even sitting there in Bodie’s arms, I would have sold my soul to see it one more time.
Logically I knew the heart is just an organ in your body, yet the pain I felt in my heart at that moment was so sharp I almost doubled over from it.
Bodie hugged me tightly from behind. “You miss him very much, don’t you? We have taken much from you, Awensa. I regret it more than you know.”
I struggled to hold back the tears. I could feel how much this hurt Bodie. I twisted around so I could look in his eyes. “Not you, Bodie, Jackson. Never blame yourself for any of this. You are my salvation. Without you and Makala, I would have lost the will to live.
Makala had come out without either of us noticing. We were really slipping. She stood just outside the corral. She had tears in her eyes when she said, “I ha
ven’t ever celebrated a holiday.”
Bodie jumped down, then lifted me off Star. We climbed over the fence, taking Makala in our arms. Bodie told us, “Nor have I. Perhaps it is time we started. Thanksgiving is not an Indian holiday, but we will hunt for wild turkey and have a feast for the tribe. Makala, you and the women can cook. We will create our own memories.” So we did.
Joey and Jimmy helped us hunt while April, Makala, and many of the women baked bread and desserts. We were somewhat surprised when Nashoba and friends showed up Wednesday with a contribution to the meal.
Thursday, we had a feast, played games, sang songs, and danced all afternoon and evening. The people who had been very grave and depressed only months before seemed happier.
Even Jackson was impressed with the effect the celebration had on the tribe. “I told you, you were needed here, Miakoda. You have brought much change among our people already.”
Bodie had an old polaroid instant camera. He was constantly taking pictures with it. He used it to document the happy occasion.
The first week of December, Makala required womanly supplies. “Again?” Bodie moaned. “I hate getting that stuff. How come you do not need these things, Mia?”
“Yeah, Mia, why don’t you? Have you even had a period since we got here?” Makala asked.
“No, then again, I’ve been very irregular since I started menstruating.”
Bodie groaned. “Can we talk about something else, please?” I laughed. Being only eighteen, sometimes his age really showed.
“But Mia, three months, is more than just a little irregular. I know you eat a lot, but given the swell of your belly, aren’t you even the least bit concerned?”
“Swell?” I repeated in a startled voice. I hadn’t even noticed. Reaching down, I swept my hand over my stomach. Makala was right; my usually flat, muscular stomach was not flat anymore.
I started to shake. “Makala. Please tell me this isn’t happening?”
Makala pulled me into her arms before saying, “Bodie, you better grab a pregnancy test. You do have them on this hick reservation, don’t you?”
Bodie's eyes widened. The look of shock on his face gave away how distressed he was. “You mea… Great Spirit, I’ll go right now.”
Bodie was back from the store in record time. I took the test into the bathroom. I didn’t come out for a very long time. Instead, I sat on the floor, in the corner, staring at the test strip. All I could think was, now Dakota would never forgive me unless it was Dakota’s. Great Spirit, it might be Dakota’s. How could I have let all this happen?
Finally, Bodie knocked on the door. “Mia, are you alright?” When I didn’t answer, Makala cracked the door open. They found me sitting on the floor in tears. I held out the test with the little pink line. I was pregnant.
Makala sat beside me, holding me as we cried together. Makala was right; I hadn’t had a period since I’d been here. Nor had I had one since I left Wyoming. I didn’t mention the strong possibility the baby was Dakota’s. I figured it was safer if Jackson believed it was Bodie’s. Of course, my grandfather was thrilled. He was convinced the Great Spirit had rewarded him for his choice to bring me home.
I wasn’t allowed to go to the clinic because the doctor was an outsider who visited the res twice a week. Jackson couldn’t take the chance I’d be recognized, so he decided one of the tribe members, who was some sort of medicine woman, would follow my progress.
Christmas came. Makala, Bodie, and I went out and dug up a pretty spruce tree. We decorated it with popcorn strings, pine cones, and holly berries. It didn’t look much like the trees I remembered having as a child, nevertheless to us; it was beautiful.
We exchanged gifts we had made each other. Bodie had taught me how to tan the leather from the animals we hunted as well as how to do beadwork. Weeks earlier, I’d had found an old rusted knife with a carved bone handle on one of our hunting trips. I’d cleaned, sharpened, and polished it until it shone. Then I made a beaded sheath for it. I carved a heart containing mine and Bodie’s initials in the handle. He loved it. For Makala, I’d made a beaded headband and matching bracelet.
Bodie made Makala a beautiful necklace. For me, he made a headband with Amazonite and Rhodochrosite gemstones to hold my eagle feathers. Makala, who had become a fantastic cook, baked us our favorite deserts.
I had made a leather bolo tie with a large Aquamarine stone I found for Dakota, which I tucked away where no one would see it. After we opened our gifts, we had another celebration with the Tribe. It was another big success. We had the beginnings of an excellent photo album to go with the memories we were creating.
New Year’s hit me hard. We’d had a big tribal party the night before that had lasted into the wee hours of the night. Makala and Bodie were sound asleep when I slipped out. Star and I rode up to a spot on a mountain I’d found. I sat on a rock gazing to the east.
On the distant horizon, I could just make out a tiny cabin that I knew was home. So near and yet so out of reach. I cried and cried. As always, Bodie found me. He never said a word, just held me until all my tears were gone. We made love on that mountain top before returning to the house.
On the way home, I spotted a young Red-tailed Hawk dragging its wing. I jumped off Star, moving towards it slowly. “Mia, don’t go near it. They are vicious.” Bodie told me as he came to stop me.
The hawk started screeching and posturing as soon as he got close. “Back up, Bodie. He won’t hurt me. You, however, are scaring him.” He didn’t argue.
I talked to the bird as I approached slowly. It came up to me, turning its head this way and that examining me. Finally, it stepped onto my arm. “Mia, you never cease to amaze me,” Bodie commented as I let the hawk climb to my shoulder.
It’s wing hung uselessly down my back. I slowly got on Star, and we rode home. Bodie found a large crate and added a tree branch for a perch. The hawk had a broken wing.
Bodie explained that the wing needed to bandaged firmly but comfortably, close to its body to immobilize it for a few weeks until it healed. I named the bird Fury. He was very young, evident by the number of pin feathers he had. He became my constant companion. He even learned to tolerate Bodie once he got a few sound bites in.
Fury tolerated most people, though he hated Jackson. That fact alone endeared him to me even more. Bodie insisted he was my spirit guide sent by the Great Spirit. Whatever he was, he was a comfort.
In the months to come, I continued as I had been, doing my best to ignore my pregnancy. Bodie was careful not to say too much about it. I struggled with depression as I got bigger and bigger. I was convinced it must be Dakota’s baby I was carrying. I had only been here for six months, yet I was enormous.
The thought that Dakota would never get to see the child or even know it existed made my heart ache more than ever. Bodie had made a point of laying claim to the child. He’d told me even if it was Dakota’s, he would love it as his own.
Bodie tried to get me to slow down and rest more, but keeping busy was the only way I could fight off the depression. I continued to visit with the families and help where I could. It gave meaning to my life.
One day Bodie found me sitting on the floor, arms around my knees, sobbing. “What is wrong, Awensa?”
“Twins, we are having twins. Hela confirmed she heard two heartbeats. I don’t want my children to grow up under Jackson’s influence. We can’t let him teach our children the lessons he forced on you.”
Bodie knelt down, wrapping his arms around me. “Mia, I swear to you, Jackson will never lay a hand on our children.”
I managed to stop the torrent of tears at his words. I wiped my arm across my face. “Thank you.” Leaning against him, I asked, “Is this all my life will ever be, Bodie? I was going to go to college with Dakota in the spring semester. I was going to make something of myself. Change the path Jackson set me on long ago. Now he has everything he wanted: me and grandchildren to carry on his legacy. I have no choices. Somehow, we have to make sure our c
hildren have them.”
Bodie stood, going to retrieve a book from the pile on the floor in the corner of the living room. It was a catalog for an online wilderness school. “I was going to sign up for classes just before you arrived. I figured I’d become a wilderness guide and get the hell out of here. We could take classes together after the babies come. Someday we could start our own wilderness business. Give them a better life.”
Bodie was so earnest and excited. I didn’t want to crush his dreams. I gave him my best smile. “It sounds like a wonderful idea, Bodie. Thank you for giving me something to look forward too.” The smile that lit his face filled me with such joy I knew it was worth hiding the knowledge Jackson would never let it happen.
One morning, I woke up to find a gift on the kitchen table. It was a sliver and bead necklace with a small, intricately made dream catcher charm hanging from it. There were three tiny, silver feathers dangling from it and a turquoise stone on the top edge of the dream catcher. “It is a gift to the mother of my future grandchildren,” Jackson informed me.
Despite it being beautiful, I was about to refuse it when Jackson said, “It was your grandmother’s. She was a beautiful, loving soul. I loved her with all my heart. You have her spirit.” The expression of sorrow and loss on his face left me speechless. Could it be this harsh, cold man had once actually loved someone?
Perhaps it was her loss that turned him into the monster he’d become. For a moment, my heart softened towards him. I fingered the necklace before slipping it over my neck. All I said was, “Thank you.”
Bodie also presented me with a gift. He said it was a tradition to give expectant mothers gifts. He presented me with two fur-lined papooses he’d made for the babies. I clutched them to my chest. “Thank you; they’re perfect.”
The winter had been mild and was giving way to a warm early spring. It was April 30th, Bodie’s nineteenth birthday. I had planned a party for him with our friends. With moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes, Bodie told me it was the first birthday party he’d ever had. We were having a grand time with a bonfire by the pond.