by Deanna Hall
As much as I love you, I feel like I’ll never get over this. If it weren’t for you and the twins, I would step off a cliff. This pain is worse than any I’ve ever had because I know I’ll never see Bodie again.”
“Mia, you bonded to him. He was your friend, lover, and protector all these months when I couldn’t be. I’ll always be grateful to him for keeping you safe. You are grieving the loss of one of your mates. I understand your grief. I have big shoulders; I’ll always be here for you.” Before we could say anything else, one of the babies made themselves heard.
Everyone except Charlie, Makala, CJ, Pete, and Donnie had gone home last night. They were scattered around the small living room in sleeping bags. Charlie and Makala had slept in the other bedroom. Chase planned on bringing the whole pack to the funeral pyre later today.
We sat eating breakfast when a knock came at the door. It was that guy, Nashoba. “I would like a word with Miakoda.” I ushered him to the table where she sat, pushing her food around the plate absently.
“Mia, you have a visitor.” She looked up.
Once she saw who it was, she jumped out of her chair and was hugging this young man. His eyes were wide with surprise. “I’m sorry, Nash. I made such a mess of things. I just wanted to protect my children.”
“Miakoda, I am the one who is sorry. Had I not kidnapped you for Jackson none of this would have ever happened. I came here to beg your forgiveness.”
I suddenly had a target for all my pent-up anger and frustration. I crossed the room in two strides slamming him against the wall with my fist pulled back.
Mia, grabbed my arm. “Dakota, don’t.”
“He just admitted he’s the one who stole you from me. He’s the one to blame for all of this. How can you defend him?”
“I’m not; it’s just he was following Jackson’s orders. Jackson’s dead now. Besides, he’s changed since then. It’s time to forgive. I already kicked his ass once for it.”
“Miakoda showed me mercy like she tried to show Jackson. She showed me you can be strong without being cruel. She showed all of us that. The pack and tribe changed a lot while Miakoda was here. She will be greatly missed. I just wanted to pay my respects and ask her forgiveness.” I lowered my fist. Letting him go, I swallowed my anger.
“I forgive you, Nash. I hope you will continue to work together to improve conditions here.”
“We will, Miakoda, I swear it. Bodie has been laid out at the clinic if you wish…” The boy choked, tears shone in his eye.
Mia hugged him again, her own tears falling. “Thank you, Nash. I know you will miss him too. You two were just starting to become friends. I’ll miss our campfires.”
Nash regained himself, stepping back. “I will see you at the pyre.” Then he was gone.
Peter spoke up, voicing my feelings exactly, “Geeze, Mia, if you keep forgiving all these bastards, who are we going to beat the crap out of?” Mia smiled a little at his comment.
It was a long hard day. The babies were fussy, often inconsolable. I suspected they were reacting to their mother's unhappiness. I’m sure they felt the absence of Bodie as well. Charlie kept a very quiet, tearful Makala close. When the girls tried to console each other, it just seemed to escalates their grief. It was clear Makala was extremely fond of Bodie as well. We left the two of them alone at the clinic to say their farewells while we waited outside.
A short while later, Makala came running out sobbing. “Dakota, you need to go to Mia. She’s losing it.”
When I got inside, I found some of the tribe members, including Nashoba, there to take the body. They were all standing against the wall. Mia was clinging to Bodie’s body with her knife in front of her, keeping them away. She was crying hysterically.
“I can’t do it, Kotah. I can’t let them take him; he needs me. He’s so lost, I’m all he has. He has nightmares when he’s alone. He’ll be afraid if I leave him alone.”
Walking towards her slowly, I asked, “Mia, give me the knife.”
“No! Stay back, Kotah. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I can’t let them take him. I promised I would never leave him alone. I told him if I ever left here, I’d make sure he came with me. I promised. Please, Kotah, don’t let them take him. Once he wakes up, we can take him home with us.”
I didn’t know what to say. Mia was losing touch with reality. She was sweating, and her eyes were unusually bright. I reached out with my spirit taking hers gently in mine before I spoke. “Mia, Bodie is already home. Reach out and feel for yourself. His spirit has already left this plane of existence.
He is with the Great Spirit now. He’s not afraid anymore, Mia. He knows how much you loved him. He’s not alone. He’s with his mother and father. He’ll be waiting for us to join him someday. Right now, he’d want you to be strong. To raise his daughter and make sure she grows up knowing all about him. Mia, please, please, give me the knife.”
Mia closed her eyes. I felt her spirit reach out to the body lying on the table. The knife clamored to the floor as she fell to her knees. Curling over them, Mia rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. “He’s gone. He’s really gone. He looked like he was asleep. I thought he was asleep. Oh God, Oh God. It should have been me. Why wasn’t it me?”
I signaled to the others to take Bodie out. Kneeling down, I pulled Mia into my arms. She was burning up. She stayed in a ball with her arms wrapped tightly around her knees. She was pale as a ghost, trembling and kept muttering over and over. “It should have been me.”
I felt helpless. I had no idea how to fix this. I tried to talk to Mia only to have my words fall on deaf ears. It was like she’d gone deep inside herself. Finally, I called Mom. I was relieved to find they were almost here with the rest of the pack. I just kept holding Mia, whispering it would be alright until Mom got there. Mia didn’t even notice when Mom, Pete, CJ, and Beth walked in.
“She’s burning up. I don’t think she even hears me anymore.”
Mom took over. “She’s in shock, Kotah. On the shelf over there are some blankets; get one and a glass of water. I’ll give her a sedative.” Mom moved around the clinic like she owned the place. Then I remembered she’d been volunteering here for months. Mia was so close, and Mom never known.
Mom came back with a needle. “She’s nursing the babies, Mom. We don’t have any other option right now.”
“It’s ok, Kotah, this will relax her, but it won’t affect her ability to nurse of them.” She gave Mia the shot while I wrapped Mia in the blanket, trying to coax her to take a drink of water.
Mia was oblivious to our presence like we didn’t even exist. “Poor dear, your father told me everything. She has been through so much and after just giving birth. Her hormones would cause enough havoc on her emotions without all this trauma. Let me try to talk to her.”
“Thanks, Mom, I don’t know how to help her,” I replied desperately.
“Mia, Dearheart. Its Mom, can you look at me?” Mia’s eyes focused on Mom’s face.
“Linda? Mom.” Mia launched herself into my mother’s arms so hard; Mom fell on her bottom. “Mom, oh Mom. I killed him. I killed them both. It should have been me. I made the choice to fight Jackson, not Bodie. He’s gone, I can’t feel him anymore. He was a sweet, kind-hearted boy, and I killed him.”
Mom looked up at me as she rubbed Mia’s back. She had tears in her eyes. Mom whispered, “Kotah, tell Beth to get the babies and bring them in here.” In a louder voice, she said, “Mia, darling, I want you to calm down. Just relax and breathe. You’re in shock. Can you take a drink of water for me?”
When Mom lifted the glass, Mia took a sip. By the time Beth and I came back in, Mia was sitting crossed-legged on the floor, holding the glass on her own. It was clear the shot was starting to work already.
“Hey Sweetheart, these babies are beautiful. Are you going to introduce Linda to her grandchildren?”
Mia looked up, “Beth, you came? Oh God, I’ve missed you so much.” Mia got up, swaying slightly, and wen
t to hug Beth. I helped Mom up with one hand while holding little Dakota in my other arm.
Mia took Aalia from Beth hugging her tight. Then she turned to Mom. “This’s Aalia, she’s, she’s, she was Bodie’s daughter.”
Mom quickly responded, “She’s all of ours now, Mia. We will love and cherish her. You’ll teach her about her father, so he’s never forgotten, but we’ll all love her. Adam told me your young man’s dying words.
He loved you Mia. He said you were the best thing that ever happened to him. With Jackson, his whole life would have been miserable. Being on top of a pack like this would have been an endless battle.
Bodie would have spent his life fighting to retain his place, and he probably would have died young anyway. You gave him happiness and a child. Aalia will be his legacy. Be thankful you were able to do that.”
Mia was crying again quietly. “You both would have liked him. He was a musician with the most incredible voice. I feel guilty for so many things. It’s eating me alive. If it weren’t for Makala and Bodie helping me face being away from Dakota, I would have ended it long ago.
Then the babies came. I was elated and terrified at the same time. I dreaded the influence Jackson would have on them or what he’d do if he ever discovered Little Kotah wasn’t Bodie’s.
I never meant to betray Dakota. When I accepted Jackson's terms, I figured it would be meaningless sex. Rape even. I swear I only agreed to keep Dakota and Makala safe. There was no other way. I had no doubt Jackson would have killed them both.
Bodie rescued Makala and me from Jackson's braves and kept us safe. Then that first night, it all went wrong. My spirit recognized Bodie, and we bonded. Even then, I tried so hard not to love him. I couldn’t help it. He was so kind and gentle. I didn’t mean too; it just happened. Loving Bodie never changed the way I felt about Dakota. I cried for him in private every day I was gone.
Once I saw Dakota standing there, all I wanted to do was to go home at any cost. Challenging Jackson was the only way I could think of to get us all home safely and keep the babies out of his clutches. I was willing to risk my life to get home while protecting Dakota and the babies but not Bodie’s.
Now he’s gone. It should have been me. I don’t know how to accept what I did. I don’t know what to do? How can I go home and be happy knowing I let Bodie die to get there? How can I stop this guilt and anguish I feel from eating me alive?”
I started to walk forward. I wanted Mia to know I loved her no matter what. I didn’t blame her for any of this. I stopped when Mom held up her hand. Beth asked, “Mia, sweetheart, what do you think Bodie would think about all this. What would he want you to do?”
“All he ever did was try to make me happy. He’d want me to go home and be happy. Only I’m not sure I know how to do that now. Between the guilt I’ve been living with for betraying Dakota, the feeling Dakota will never really understand why I did what I did and losing Bodie, I feel lost in the dark again.”
“What did Dakota say about your fears, Mia?” Mom asked.
“We didn’t talk about them much. He says he loves me, that he won’t leave me. The problem is he hasn’t had time to process all this. I spent eight months being a wife in every way to another man. Despite the guilt I felt, I chose that path.
Regardless of how noble the reason might have been, I learned to love Bodie and accept the comfort he offered. Now that man’s loss feels like half my soul has been ripped out of me. Dakota’s worried about me right now. He’s being supportive. That’s his nature. Only once he has time to really think about it, how can he ever forgive what I’ve done when I can’t even forgive myself?”
“I think Dakota is the only one who can answer that question. But when he does, Mia, you have to trust him. My son would not lie to you to make you feel better. Are you ready to listen to him?”
When Mia nodded, I came forward, handing the baby to Beth. When I held Mia at arm’s length, she stared at the floor. “Mia, please look at me.” She reluctantly looked up. Even full of tears, her eyes were so bright and beautiful; they took my breath away. “I would never lie to you. You know that, right?” She nodded again.
“I love you with every fiber of my being, Mia. I always have, and I always will. The last eight months have been a living hell for me. I felt you were alive. Often I felt like you were pushing your love to me.”
“I did, Kotah. Every single night. Other times too. I prayed you’d feel it.”
“I did. If I hadn’t, I think I would have ceased to exist. I’ll admit this is hard for me. Knowing how much you cared about Bodie hurts a lot, yet at the same time, I am grateful to him. If you had been given to someone cruel, who knows what would have happened to you. You and our children might not have survived. Although knowing you, you probably would have tamed them like you did, Nashoba.”
Mia’s eyes widened. I shook my head and sighed. “He’s the one Bodie saved you from, isn’t he.”
Mia gave a slight nod. “Jackson made them fight for me. After Nash won the fight, I head-butted him, which made him angry. He hit me, then he forced a kiss on me, so I spit blood in his face. Nash was furious then. He tore my dress; his friends took me to my knees. He would have, have forced himself on me in front of the whole crowd. Bodie stopped him, then fought all six of them for the right to claim me.”
I sighed, “Great Spirit, Mia, no wonder you cared for Bodie. And yet you forgave Nashoba?”
“He changed, Kotah.”
“Mia, I’m glad you had Bodie to protect you. I know how much you love me. I believe you never stopped missing me. I know the whole eight months, you never stopped sending me your love through our bond. I suspect you blame yourself more than I or anyone else possibly could. The bottom line is. There is nothing to forgive. I know, thanks to Chase, that I would probably be dead if not for your choice.
I am jealous of the love you have for Bodie? Yes, even knowing being a spirit healer makes your spirit seek out what it needs to keep it healthy. I also know that the bond wasn’t your choice, and it’s only natural to love the person or, in your case, people you're bonded to. Still, I won’t deny that I’m jealous. I’ll get over it soon enough.
I also respect Bodie. I’m even grateful to him. I swear to you, I will love his daughter as much as I love you and our son. I’ll make sure she knows what a good man her father was and how much he loved her.
But Mia, none of this matters if you can’t forgive yourself. The only person that deserves blame here is Jackson, and he can’t hurt us anymore. Are you ready to come home and start our life over, or are you going to keep punishing yourself for something you had no control over?”
Mia leaped into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and her arms tightly around my neck with her face buried in my neck. “I love you, Dakota.”
As they left, Mom slipped me a bottle of tranquilizers. “Give her one in a few hours. They will help keep her calm. She’s been through a lot, Kotah. She only gave birth to twins seven days ago. She should be in a hospital being checked out, not dealing with all this. Now one of her mates is dead, and she killed her grandfather.
Remember, Mia is still just a seventeen-year-old girl who has already been through hell and back. Healing is going to take time. You’re going to need to have patience with her.”
“I know, Mom. I’ve got this.”
“One more thing, Kotah, I need to give her and those babies a complete exam as soon as possible. The babies seem healthy enough, but as far as I can figure, they were well over a month early. If nothing else, they need vaccinations.
I don’t know how much of this is shock and grief. Nonetheless, I don’t like the look in Mia’s eyes, and she’s running a fever which she shouldn’t be even in shock.”
“I’ll bring her over as soon as I get her home. Thanks for everything, Mom.”
We all drove to the burial grounds. The ceremony for Jackson was quiet and quick. No tears were shed. No one mourned his loss. Bodie, thanks to Mia, had become very loved and re
spected. The moans, crying, and tears were loud and long, as was the tradition for a beloved tribe member.
Many tribe members came up and spoke about how Bodie and Miakoda had brought them food, comfort, and protection. Makala told how Bodie had become a dear friend. How he had protected her and given his unconditional friendship. How Bodie had made their prison into a home.
Mia spoke last. She dragged me with her as she stood before the crowd, grasping my hand tightly. At first, her voice was broken and hoarse from crying. It grew stronger as she spoke from her heart. “I’m sorry I, I killed your leader, it was not my intention to do so. I merely wanted to protect those I loved. I am not sorry, however, that Jackson’s influence over you is gone. He was an evil man.
As most of you know, I was brought here against my will. As Makala explained, Bodie made the separation from my loved ones bearable. I grew to love him very much. I will never completely get over the loss of him.
I blame myself. I should have known my grandfather wouldn’t give me a fair fight. He killed my father in his sleep like a coward, just as he did Bodie. Despite Jackson’s influence, Bodie grew to be a strong, loving person. He shared that love with me unconditionally. I will share his memory with the children he adored. Bodie loved all of you, too. With Bodie’s dying breath, he thanked me for freeing you from Jackson.
I would like to honor his sacrifice by remaining a part of the tribe and continuing the work we began. If we continue to work together, we can make the Ute Nation prosperous. We can teach our youth to be strong and proud without being cruel. My home is not far away. Though I will not live on the reservation, I will visit you all often. All of you are welcome at my home at any time. If I am ever needed, I am only a phone call away.
Leaving you all is going to be almost as difficult as being taken from my home was. Thank you all for the love you have shown Bodie. I’m sure he and his parents are smiling down on us from…” Mia turned her head to my shoulder as she choked up.
“Thank you all,” I told the crowd as Mia sobbed.