“I am very sorry for kissing you like that,” Emilia whispered.
Amber stood up. She wrung her hands, desperately not wanting to ruin this second chance she had been bestowed. “There’s no need to apologise, I enjoyed the kiss. I just didn’t know if it was the right time. A lot of things have happened recently, and I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed.”
Emilia looked surprised for a moment before folding her arms. “I wasn’t overwhelmed. I’m a lot braver than you think I am.”
Ooookay, Amber thought. I didn’t expect that reaction.
She raised an eyebrow in amusement. “I see.”
“Yes, in fact, I went out today and sat in a coffee shop. In London.”
Amber bit her lip to prevent any retaliatory remarks. Humour was probably not a safe choice right now.
“Well, that’s—”
“I’m not some inexperienced… girl. I’ve travelled to another country,” Emilia said, her voice rising as she took a few steps into the room.
“You did, you absolutely did,” Amber agreed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”
“I’ve been kissed before, you know,” Emilia continued. “I’m not that naïve. I’m sure you think you know so much about me… but you don’t.”
“You’re absolutely right,” Amber agreed, still trying to not smile at Emilia’s sudden surge of argument. From an apology for kissing her to a rousing defence of her experience in a few seconds. God, she loved that Emilia kept her on her toes.
“I’m sorry,” Amber tried again. “I just meant that things are moving very quickly. Two weeks ago, we didn’t know each other. Then I was practically living with you, then we fought, I came home, got fired—”
“And then I turned up at your office, to end up staying with you,” Emilia added, nodding her head in understanding.
“And now we’re working together. It’s a lot to take in. Adding that kiss—which was amazing, by the way—into the mix? It’s just a little much, too soon.”
She noted that Emilia’s eyes narrowed at that.
“For me,” Amber clarified quickly.
Emilia’s expression softened as understanding sunk in. “Oh… I see. I didn’t think about it like that. Well, I didn’t think about it much at all. It was an impulse,” she explained.
“One I appreciated a lot,” Amber said. “Just not one I was expecting. I feel like so much as happened lately. I honestly don’t know if I’m coming or going. I don’t want to make a terrible mistake and ruin everything.”
Emilia took a few steps into the room. She was smiling. Amber breathed out a relieved sigh. Maybe things could be fixed?
“I understand,” Emilia said. “There has been a lot of change for you. Maybe the… the kiss is something we can talk about later?”
“I’d like that a lot,” Amber emphasised. “But right now, I’m so stressed and exhausted. I just want to chill out in front of the television. It’s my thing, it’s how I relax.”
Emilia looked at the television. “Maybe you can introduce me to one of your much-talked-about box sets? Unless you want to be alone?”
“I don’t want to be alone,” Amber said, already looking forward to snuggling up on the sofa with Emilia. “But I will only watch television with you if we can heat up the tea and crack open the biscuits.”
“Is there any other way to watch television?” Emilia asked with a grin.
37
Flying Home
Emilia woke up with a painfully stiff neck. The pain was quickly forgotten when she realised they had fallen asleep on the sofa again. This time, she was leaning against the arm of the sofa, and Amber was curled up against her chest.
Pain in the neck aside… it felt heavenly.
The urge to wrap her arms around Amber and apply soft kisses to her hair was strong, but she held back. Amber wasn’t ready. Perhaps neither of them was.
After the library reading the night before, Emilia had done a lot of soul-searching and realised a few things about herself and about the Lund collection. First, she was a lot braver than she thought she was. Secondly, the world hadn’t ended when she pushed herself outside of her comfort zone. And, thirdly, the Lund collection was stuck in the past and would continue to diminish if she didn’t take action.
The thought of her grandmother’s legacy withering to nothing under her watch was horrifying. Her fear of ruining the books had come true but only through her lack of momentum. Not doing anything was having the same effect as potentially doing the wrong thing, something she never would have realised unless she was pushed out of her shell.
She hadn’t asked Amber to be her agent simply because she was the only person she knew who could do such a thing. Nor had she asked her to further trap them together in the vague hope of friendship. She’d asked Amber because she knew she was the right person for the job. She understood the market, and they were close enough now that they could discuss, and even disagree, on matters.
Buoyed by her sudden bravery, and the feeling of Amber in her arms, her perfume in the air… she’d taken a leap and kissed her. A huge mistake. The rebuff had stung. She’d run from the situation and wondered if she had ruined everything. Would Amber want to work for someone who kissed her out of the blue? Could it be construed as harassment?
Last night her midday flight had seemed like a lifetime away, and now she wished it would never come. She was existing in a grey area between wanting to be home and wanting to be with Amber.
But she understood that Amber needed time.
Emilia was ready to dive into whatever Amber would offer her, friendship or more. She felt starved of social interaction and was willing to be whatever Amber wanted her to be.
However, she also knew that Amber had experienced a huge amount of turmoil and stress in the last few days and was busy processing what it all meant. It was up to Emilia to give her the time and space she needed, even if it was the last thing she wanted to do.
Amber woke up and quickly moved herself away from Emilia.
“Sorry,” she mumbled.
“No problem,” Emilia replied.
She wanted to say more, but she didn’t know what that would be.
She was struck by how complicated social interaction could be. Spending all those years alone in her farmhouse suddenly made a lot of sense. She rarely had moments where she didn’t know what to say, mainly because there was hardly ever anyone to speak to.
Amber got up and said she was going to use the bathroom to get ready. Emilia nodded, stayed on the sofa, and watched her depart. She wished things could be easier, or that she could order a manual that would tell her exactly what to say and when.
She supposed things would work themselves out in the end, but she didn’t like the present uncertainty. She’d finally understood her attraction to Amber, and now she never wanted to let her go.
She took a deep breath, shrugging off the thought. It wasn’t for her to make demands on Amber and her feelings. The guilt of her dragging Amber to Sweden under false pretences sat on her chest like a heavy stone. She’d never make that mistake again. Now she would give Amber the time and space she needed and hope that eventually she would come to her of her own accord.
All too soon, they were on the way to the airport. Amber had insisted on accompanying Emilia to Heathrow, something which Emilia was very grateful for. She didn’t wish for another awkward taxi journey.
The morning had been quiet, each slightly embarrassed about their second evening of falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in an embrace.
Despite Amber’s reassurances that they would talk later—nothing was said.
Emilia wanted to talk about and ignore the upcoming conversation in equal measure. She wondered if Amber had only said that she’d enjoyed the kiss to let her down gently. Perhaps she was eager to get the unstable woman out of her apartment and her life.
The very thought caused a pain in Emilia’s chest.
“Which terminal are you leaving from?” Amber asked.<
br />
Emilia turned to look at her in confusion. She realised that Amber wouldn’t be able to see her expression as she was too busy driving.
“Sorry?”
“Your terminal, there are five of them,” Amber added.
“I don’t know. I fly with Scandinavian Airlines.”
“Probably Terminal Three, then,” Amber decided.
Emilia didn’t have a clue. She wondered if she would have ever managed to get home without Amber’s help. The thought niggled at her. Not the part about needing Amber’s help, she wasn’t above admitting when she needed assistance, but she did find it frustrating that she didn’t know things that were probably obvious to others.
She knew she lived in her own world, one which was safely carved out of all the things she loved and that made her feel safe. Deep down, though, she knew it was unhealthy for her. It had only been a handful of years, and already she couldn’t recognise the world around her.
And her solitary lifestyle had damaged her grandmother’s legacy. She was working to fix it but wondered if it was too late.
She licked her lips and turned to look at Amber again. She had to tell her, had to explain. It was the first time she had ever had to put it into words, but if she didn’t then she felt she would break apart. It was bubbling within her and about to burst out.
“My grandmother died when I was eleven,” Emilia said. “The next year, my father was diagnosed with cancer. It didn’t take long to claim him, and soon after that, my mother passed away. She couldn’t cope with so much loss so quickly. I was raised by my grandfather, but he was… cold and didn’t know anything about children. He tried his best. Then, when I finished school, he was old and needed me to help care for him. After he died, I just stopped leaving the house. Well, I think I stopped living.”
It felt good to get it out. To finally lift the weight off her shoulders and share it with someone else, even if she now felt guilty about putting that weight onto Amber’s shoulders.
“You don’t need to say anything,” Emilia added quickly. “I just… wanted to let you know. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it further.”
Amber took one hand from the steering wheel and placed it on Emilia’s own which rested on her leg.
“Whenever you are ready, I’ll be there for you. That’s what friends are for.”
Emilia turned her hand over and gently squeezed Amber’s.
Even if Amber wanted nothing more than friendship and a working relationship, that would be enough. Amber wasn’t just a new friend. She was the start of a new life. Emilia was determined to start to move out of her comfort zone and into the real world.
Even if the thought terrified her.
38
Trying to Say Goodbye
Amber’s legs felt like they were made of lead. She walked down the long corridors of the airport towards security. Emilia walked beside her, staring around at the bright, wide corridor with wide eyes.
She’d woken up in Emilia’s arms, and she couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so safe and happy. The shock of that had caused her to rush into the bathroom to get some distance.
How Emilia had become so important to her so quickly was a mystery.
They’d gotten ready to go to the airport in quiet companionship, speaking only when necessary. The realisation that something had changed between them was thick in the air. She wanted to talk to Emilia, to see where they stood and what they both felt, but Emilia had pulled away. Amber feared that she regretted her actions from the night before.
And so, she had remained silent as she drove them to the airport.
Up until Emilia dropped the potted history of her terrible early teens. Amber couldn’t imagine such grief and loss in such a short space of time. Not to mention at such a sensitive age. Emilia had been old enough to know what was happening, but too young to have developed healthy coping mechanisms.
She’d wanted to swerve onto the hard shoulder and sweep Emilia into a solid hug. Luckily, she hadn’t. Emilia was obviously still processing what had happened, and the influences those events had brought into her life.
She hoped that one day Emilia would be ready to talk. More so, she hoped Emilia would be ready to talk to her. Because she wanted to be Emilia’s friend. If she could have nothing more than friendship, it would suffice.
As the security area came into view, her legs felt impossibly heavier. She didn’t know how she would say farewell to Emilia as if she were unaffected. She was anything but.
She didn’t want to say goodbye. She wanted to hold her close and figure out how this delightful woman had wormed her way into her heart.
“Is this where we must say goodbye?” Emilia asked.
“Yes, I can’t go any farther.” Amber tapped the boarding pass in Emilia’s hand. “Remember to look at the screens for that flight number. They will tell you which gate you need to go to.”
“I know. I flew here, remember?” Emilia teased.
“Yes, but Heathrow is a lot bigger. And it’s a couple of days before Christmas, so it will be very busy,” Amber told her.
Emilia shrugged. “Not on my flight. The travel agent told me there were plenty of seats.”
“At Scandinavian Airlines prices, I’m not surprised,” Amber joked.
They stood and looked at one another, neither wanting to say goodbye.
“I’m sorry for causing havoc,” Emilia suddenly blurted.
Amber burst out laughing. “You certainly did do that. But I’m so glad you did.”
“Me too. But I promise I won’t do it again.” A smile curled at Emilia’s lips. “Or maybe…”
Amber swatted her arm. “You better not. Especially now I’m working for you.”
“Will this make me your boss?” Emilia asked, a devilish glint in her eye.
“I wouldn’t put it like that,” Amber said. “More like… partners.”
“But I will be paying you, so surely…” Emilia trailed off with a grin.
“Oh, in which case, I’ll have to turn your kind job offer down.” Amber slowly turned around.
“No, wait!” Emilia grabbed her arm and turned her back to face her. “I’m sorry. I do need you. You will be the boss.”
“How about partners?” Amber asked again.
Emilia nodded. “That sounds good.” She sighed. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too. But I have your number now, so I can text you. As long as I don’t send any emojis.” She winked.
“Ha-ha.” Emilia rolled her eyes. “Maybe I will get a new phone. One that has the Internet.”
“That’s very 2005 of you.”
They shared a sad laugh. The teasing was just a delay in the inevitable goodbye that they both knew was looming.
Amber opened her arms. Emilia walked into the hug and wrapped her arms tightly around her.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Amber admitted.
She was relieved she was in a strong embrace as she worried if her legs would hold her.
“I don’t want to go,” Emilia admitted.
“I don’t want you to go.”
Emilia tightened her grip, her fists grabbing at handfuls of Amber’s coat. Amber closed her eyes, willing the tears away.
I’m just emotional, she reminded herself. It’s been a rough few days…
She recalled the kiss from the night before. Soft, eager lips willing hers to respond. She wanted to scream at herself for not returning the gesture, for missing the opportunity.
Emilia loosened her grip, preparing to step away.
Amber couldn’t think of anything she wanted less in that moment. She pulled Emilia closer to her, angling her head down to capture her lips. It wasn’t a sweet and gentle kiss like the one before. It was insistent, messy, and needy. She didn’t want to say goodbye. She didn’t want to say anything. Everything she wanted to express was in the kiss.
And—thankfully—Emilia respon
ded in kind. Amber was almost surprised with the wildness of the returned kiss. She quickly recovered and reciprocated. Lips and tongues became a blur.
She was distantly aware of people walking around them. The men and women at the security desks were probably getting an eyeful. But she couldn’t find it within herself to care.
It was only when she realised Emilia was swaying, maybe due to lack of oxygen, that she pulled away. They disentangled their arms from one another and stepped back. Emilia looked embarrassed but satisfied. Amber couldn’t help but grin.
“You… you better go, before we lose track of time and you miss your flight,” she said.
“I’ll call you as soon as I get home,” Emilia promised. “Merry Christmas, Amber.”
She reached up and pressed a small kiss to her cheek.
“God Jul,” Amber said in what she thought was mangled Swedish.
It seemed not to matter, as Emilia beamed happily. She turned around and looked towards the security desks.
“I better…”
“Yes.”
“I’ll call you,” she repeated.
“I’ll be waiting,” Amber promised.
Emilia turned and walked towards security. Amber waited and watched her show her passport and disappear around a corner. She let out a long sigh and slowly turned around.
If her legs had been heavy before, they were like jelly now. And the breath was missing from her lungs. She felt bereft. It seemed impossible that someone could become such an essential part of her survival in such a short space of time. Surely that kind of connection was concocted by storytellers, not for the real world?
It was obvious that she would be unable to get to the car park in this state, never mind drive home. She sat down on a bench and stared at the shiny floor, the reflection of travellers and luggage trolleys passing by at speed.
She’d never felt so weak before. Was this what saying goodbye to someone you cared about felt like? A terrible faintness spreading through her entire body? She felt like all her symptoms would vanish if she could just get to the other side of security and see Emilia again. As if she were the cure to the sudden sickness that had taken control of her.
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