by Mary Campisi
Chapter 13
Twenty minutes later, Rhyder sat in Ian’s kitchen, sipping oolong tea and devouring a slice of banana bread. Why was he eating this bread? Of course, it was made with white flour and too much sugar and who knew what else? It wasn’t even ten in the morning. which meant sweets were off limits, and aside from those factors, today was an even day and Rhyder only permitted himself sweets on odd days and then... He polished off the first piece, went for a second. Today might not technically be an odd day according to a calendar, but it was definitely odd, no doubt about it.
“Rhyder?”
He glanced up, caught his friend watching him. “What? So, I like C.C.’s banana bread.”
“Right.” Ian clasped his hands around his coffee mug, cleared his throat. “How about you tell me what’s going on?”
Rhyder finished the second slice of banana bread, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and set it on the table beside his plate. “Roxie’s pregnant.”
“Congratulations.” Ian frowned. “Why don’t you look happy? I thought getting pregnant was the plan.”
“It was and I am happy about the baby.” Rhyder dragged a hand over his face, wished he could erase the conversation with Roxie where he’d spit out his feelings. “This is about Roxie.” Pause and a long sigh. “I created a catastrophe the size of Texas.”
“That’s a pretty large state. Care to elaborate?”
Sure, why not let his best friend see what an idiot he’d been. “I let my emotions take over and I blew it.”
“You mean Rhyder Remington has emotions and he screwed up? Now that I’d like to see.”
“Jerk.” He supposed he deserved the digs since he’d been less than sympathetic when Ian and C.C. had their issues. For Rhyder, it had been all about Ian keeping his end of the agreement he’d made with C.C.’s father so they could get the deal and the big payout. Ian hadn’t seen it that way because he’d fallen in love with C.C. At first, Rhyder couldn’t understand how or why he’d let that happen. But he understood it now. Oh, yes, indeed he did and that’s why he needed Ian’s help. “Look, I’m sorry I wasn’t more sympathetic when you and C.C. were at odds. I did finally come through for you, but I should have done it sooner.” He paused, rubbed his right temple. “And I shouldn’t have insisted on the pregnancy chart.”
Ian’s expression turned dark. “No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I realize that now, but I didn’t then.” Big sigh, more temple rubbing. “Back then I thought life and the people in it could be handled like a mathematical problem complete with projections, flow charts, and predictable outcomes. You know, insert x and get y. Very simple.”
Ian shook his head. “If you say so.”
“I do and it worked for most of my life.” He reached for his third slice of banana bread. “And then—” he studied the slice of bread, broke it in half “—enter Miss Roxie Revito. My world crashed the second she walked into my office, though it would take her absurd offer to make me realize it. I couldn’t think straight when she was around and I attributed that to her annoyance and those pesky bangles that irritated my brain.” His voice dipped, softened. “It wasn’t the outfits or the sharp tongue or those damnable bangles that addled my brain.” He let a smile slip out. “It wasn’t even her penchant for animal prints or the constant attempts to make me look like an idiot.” The smile spread. “Though I must say, I did enjoy the verbal sparring. So refreshing.”
“Uh-huh. Sounds like a real blast.”
“It was. It is,” Rhyder corrected, refusing to think of the woman he loved in the past tense. “And of course, there was the physical aspect of our relationship and while neither of us wanted to admit we were in a relationship, we both knew it. At least I was brave enough to admit it.” Pause, a deep sigh. “Or perhaps the correct term is stupid enough because she wasn’t ready to hear it.”
“Ah, so you told her you loved her.”
Rhyder stared at him, confused. “How did you know?”
“I might not be a numbers guy but it’s simple math. You were together yesterday and today you’re not. With a guy like you, once you realize how you feel, you’re going to want to have closure so you can move on and make plans. You don’t like the unknown, Rhyder, you never have. You want to know where you’re going to sleep, what you’re going to eat, when you’re going to eat it.”
“And?” He popped another piece of banana bread in his mouth.
“And you pushed her too soon. She wasn’t ready to pick out china patterns and sheets.”
“Why would we do that?” He scowled. “I have no interest in china and I doubt Roxie does either. As for sheets, my linen closet is full of them: certified Egyptian cotton, 1000-thread count.”
“Good for you, but that was only an example. You pushed her away, probably scared the hell out of her because she thought you were Mr. Noncommittal. Isn’t that why she chose you? Because you didn’t want to commit?”
That’s what she’d told him, but how could she really mean that? “You think she saw no other qualities in me other than my refusal to concede that love existed? She wanted my brains; don’t forget that.”
“How could I when you love to remind me?” Ian shook his head.
“I’ve lost her and it’s my fault. I should have kept my mouth shut and acted like the old me. But no… I couldn’t do that now, could I? No indeed, I had to spit out words and emotions I didn’t know existed, but I did it because that’s what a person does when he wants a relationship with someone, especially if that someone has become the center of his world and the mother of his unborn child…”
“Relationships can get messy...and confusing.”
“Really? I hadn’t guessed.” Rhyder didn’t like the way he felt right now: vulnerable, uncertain, desperate. Something had to be done about it. He glared at Ian, spat out, “You’re to blame for this mess, you know that, don’t you? If you and C.C. hadn’t gone all head over heels with each other and had a baby—no matter how perfect Sophia is—then I’d still be in my own little corner of the world, believing that spreadsheets and drawings were enough to make me happy.” He let out a loud sigh filled with disgust. “I’d never have acted like a fool because Roxie wouldn’t have approached me looking for a baby, because she wouldn’t have even thought to entertain the idea of a baby and certainly not with me.”
“Ah, if memory serves, she didn’t want you; she wanted your donation.”
“A minor detail.”
“If you say so. Why don’t we go back to yesterday and you tell me exactly what happened? Retrace the day right up to the time she left.”
Rhyder gulped his tea, wished for half a second he still drank alcohol so the memories and the emotion behind them would blur. “It started out like every other night: food, conversation, jazz music in the background.”
“Jazz music? Roxie likes that?”
The look on Ian’s face said impossible, but Roxie liked it, loved it actually. She said it made her heart feel happy. How did a heart feel happy? He’d wondered that the first and sixth time she said it, wanted to tell her the heart was an organ and did not possess the ability to elicit an emotion. But then one morning a few weeks into their agreement, he woke to find her snuggled against him, her small hand flung across his stomach, those soft sighs slipping out in pure contentment, and damn if his heart didn’t feel happy. Rhyder cleared his throat, toyed with a spoon. “Yes. Jazz music.”
“Okay then. What else.”
“What else?” He’d played the scenario over in his head last night, but there were parts that were intimate and not for sharing if he wanted to maintain his privacy and not risk teasing. But this was about Roxie, and Ian was his best friend. He’d have to risk a stumble or two if he wanted help. “So, we were sitting there sharing a piece of dark chocolate and then she looked at me and I noticed the way the light shone on her hair, almost like it glistened. And her voice turned soft, mesmerizing, actually.” He shook his head, pictured her sitting on the couch. “I knew I
didn’t want to let her go and it wasn’t just because of the baby.” He blinked hard, rubbed both temples to fight off a potential migraine. Odd, but for the last several weeks and maybe even before that, his head hadn’t pinged when he’d talked about Roxie or spent time with her. In fact, his mood had lightened and he’d been happy. Lighthearted maybe? He’d never experienced that before so it was difficult to say, but he guessed if he had to name it, lighthearted would be the word.
“And then let me guess. The playboy from Chicago who vowed love was not an emotion realized it was and had to admit it to the woman who’d asked him to be a sperm donor?” Ian lifted a piece of banana bread from the platter, tore it in half. “Sound about right?”
Rhyder shot him a glance and gave a quick nod. The man so enjoyed catching him in a difficult position. “Relatively.”
“Yeah, relatively. And that whole sperm donor business decision without the emotion? Looks like that didn’t work out the way that analytical, unemotional brain of yours thought it would.”
“Okay, so my assumptions were off. You don’t have to remind me that there’s no way this could have remained a business decision. But how did I know things would change and go wrong in ways I’d never have anticipated?”
Ian raised a brow. “You should have known because all you had to do was look at how things turned out with me and C.C. She didn’t want or need a man and I was damn certain nobody was ever getting close to me again. Of course, her father had different plans, ones I found disgusting, even when I agreed to them. You know what happened there.” He let out a quiet laugh and shook his head. “Once I got to know C.C., it was all over. She could try to hide behind the baggy suits, the fake glasses, the cold stares, but it wasn’t happening. And once we got together, nothing was going to keep us apart, not even a ridiculous belief that we shouldn’t be together.”
“Don’t remind me. You were insufferable and ornery and such a pain.” The man had been worse than miserable, and who knew how long that would have continued if Roxie hadn’t contacted him with an outrageous plan to get C.C. and Ian back together. The plan required his help and when he balked, she promised to introduce him to his cerebral obsession, her cousin, Roberta—the cousin who didn’t exist except as Roxie’s alter ego.
And now here they were, or rather here he was, in a tangled maze where the one person who could make life right wasn’t returning his phone calls.
“Hey, Rhyder. Chin up, man. Relationships are like the stomach virus. One day you’re hugging the toilet and heaving so hard your gut hurts and the next you’re munching on dry toast.”
Rhyder stared at him. “That is a terrible visual.”
Ian laughed. “It is, but at least it got your attention, didn’t it? Look, I was miserable when C.C. and I were apart, kind of like I expect you’re feeling right now.”
“Right.” He cared about Roxie and all he wanted to know was if she cared about him. Really cared, as in, did she love him? Did she want to make a commitment to him? A long-term one involving rings and vows and forever? She could keep her own last name; he didn’t care. But her heart? Could she share it? He could try to save his pride and a fair amount of humiliation but he’d only be kidding himself. Saving pride was overrated but sharing real feelings? That was definitely underrated and necessary, though the very thought made him salivate and not in a good way. Didn’t he owe it to himself to try and salvage the only female relationship that had mattered since his mother told him he was just too much work? “I told her I loved her and she left.”
“Ah. But what did she say when you told her?”
“Say? She said it wasn’t part of our deal and then she said she had to think.” He stared at the empty plate in front of him. How many slices of banana bread had he devoured? Two? Three? Please not four.
“She’ll come around... You’ll see.”
But Rhyder didn’t miss the hesitation in his friend’s voice when he said it. They both knew Roxie was a wild card, a mercurial force who didn’t follow guidelines or embrace expectations. Maybe she’d come around...or maybe she wouldn’t. It was too soon and too hard to tell. All he could do was wait.
Chapter 14
Another day passed with nothing from Roxie but a two-word text: still thinking. What did that mean? He’d almost gone to her condo yesterday, but Ian told him it would be a bad move. She needs her space, he’d said. Let her be for now so she can figure this out. How long did it take to figure out if she wanted to be with him or not? His offer hadn’t been a booby prize. He’d told her he loved her, wanted the whole ever-after with her, and Rhyder had never said that to anyone before.
“She’s got twelve hours,” he told Ian late that afternoon as he sat in his best friend’s kitchen eating tortilla chips and salsa. Why was he eating tortilla chips? He didn’t eat this stuff. He grabbed another chip, dipped it in the salsa. It was all her fault. Chomp, chomp, chomp.
“Twelve hours for what?” Ian raised a brow, lifted his bottle of beer.
Could the man not figure it out? “Twelve hours to give me an answer.” How many calories were in ten tortilla chips? He’d probably eaten five, but if he stopped at ten... He scanned the kitchen, looking for the bag so he could check the nutritional label. Before Roxie, he never obsessed about food and never went outside the boundaries he’d set. The sweets were his one exception and he had those under control. Until that woman started bringing all sorts of goodies home. Nobody could eat a brownie quite the way she did.
“Rhyder? What are you talking about? What happens in twelve hours?”
“What? Oh.” He pushed aside visions of Roxie munching on a chocolate chip cookie as she sat cross-legged in bed, his white T-shirt draped around her shoulders, a look of pure bliss on her face. Apparently, the bliss had more to do with the cookies and less to do with him. “If I don’t hear from her in twelve hours, I’m withdrawing my offer.”
Ian set his beer on the kitchen table, frowned. “You’re withdrawing your offer? What are you doing? Buying a house?” He didn’t give Rhyder time to respond before he continued. “This is a relationship we’re talking about here, and this is Roxie. None of this was going to be easy; just make sure you aren’t getting carried away by the pregnancy and the idea of being in love and getting married.”
“Are you saying you have regrets?”
Ian laughed. “Of course not, but you’re not me.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I want to make sure you’ve thought this through. We’ve known each other a long time. Are you really willing to give up your neat, organized lifestyle for clutter and chatter and a mess that will never end? Roxie will burrow into your brain and never give you a moment of quiet or peace. And when the baby comes along? You won’t sleep a full night again or stop worrying. Is that really what you want? Think about it and make sure it is because once you commit, there’s no going back. You’re in it for good.” He stared harder, scowled. “Do you even know what love is?”
It was Rhyder’s turn to scowl. “Do you think I’m happy about it? Do you think I wanted it to happen? Do you think I want to worry and toss my existence into upheaval?” The scowl deepened. “Of course not, but the thought of never seeing Roxie again? Of living without her smile, without her laughter? Without the sharp tongue that isn’t afraid to challenge me? Life without her? I can’t do it.” His voice cracked. “I don’t want to do it. I want to spend my life with her and the baby. Do I know what love is? I’m not sure, but I think I do because when I’m around Roxie, I can’t think of anything but her and how good she makes me feel and how much I care about her. She makes me a better person and I have to tell her that.” He let out a small laugh that held absolutely no humor. “Of course, I don’t want to tell her because that will give her absolute power over me, but I can’t not tell her…not any longer. I finally have an opportunity to be normal, to know what it’s like to care about another person more than I care about myself… When have I ever wanted to do that? But I’m willing to take the risk
because she’s worth it.”
“So, now what?”
Rhyder shrugged, scooped salsa onto a tortilla chip. “I tried honesty, spat out the words, and before I could get to a proposal of any sort, she disappeared. There’s a reason I’ve avoided personal entanglements and emotions most of my life. They create anxiety and a fair amount of heartburn, none of which I enjoy. I don’t like not being in control, and I particularly don’t like someone else managing my thoughts or my emotions. But that woman’s done it. She’s got me questioning everything, including what constitutes reality, purpose, even feelings.” He blew out a long breath. “How did I not see that Roxie was so dangerous?”
“More dangerous than Roberta?”
“Roberta was a fantasy in my brain, the perfect woman who didn’t really exist. Then came Roxie in her crazy outfits with her bag of outrageous opinions and a vulnerability she hid from everyone… But I spotted it layers deep beneath the sarcasms, the eyeliner, and the rows of earrings. She just wanted to belong. That’s the woman I fell in love with and that’s the woman I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know.”
“Stop it!”
Rhyder swung around, spotted Roxie standing in the doorway, small fists clenched, cheeks a burst of red fury, eyes homed in on him like she wanted to make him disappear. “Roxie?” Rhyder stood, moved toward her.
She stepped back, raised both hands. “Don’t you dare come another step closer.”
Ian cleared his throat. “I think I’ll go check on Sophia.”
Rhyder heard him leave but he kept his eyes trained on Roxie as fear and anger shot through him. She was afraid, definitely not happy… Maybe she really didn’t care about him… Maybe she really had only wanted him for the baby and whatever else they’d shared—the sex, the talking, the laughs, the closeness—had all been situational and irrelevant to her, something discarded when the moments were over. “How much did you hear just now?”
Typical Roxie opened her mouth and let out an exaggerated sigh followed with “Too much.”