by Amiee Louise
“Good girl, I’ll be there soon, hang tight, sugar. Bye.”
I hang up the phone and am struck dumb at the turn of events. I take off the robe and pull on a pair of comfortable black yoga trousers with one of Sam’s oversized Rancid Vengeance hoodies; it smells of him, and I inhale his scent. I pull my hair into a loose, messy bun and hear the water from the shower running. It is times like these when I miss Ruby so much. I miss our chats and having her around to talk to in times of crisis, so I decide to text her.
Hey babe
Miss you L
P xx
She responds almost straight away.
Hey girl
Miss you too
How’s the tour going?
Scratched any groupie’s eyes out yet!
Any gossip?
R xx
I smile at her response; she has such an uncanny ability to make me smile.
Tour going great
Not scratched any groupie’s eyes out...yet!
Sam’s acting weird
Could do with a chat
P xx
I lie down on the bed and wait for her reply.
Are you OK babe?
Please call me
R xx
I am almost relieved at her response, and I start to type a reply when the door taps softly. I get up off the bed and go to the door. Cole and Jax are both in the doorway; I move out of the way to let them both in. They both step into the room and close the door quietly.
“Are you OK, Peyton?” Cole asks softly, and I nod.
Jax looks at me apprehensively. “Where is he, babe?”
I point to the bathroom and pull the sleeves of Sam’s hoodie over my hands, suddenly feeling freezing cold. Cole takes charge of the situation.
“Do you want to tell me what happened, Peyton?”
I bite my lip embarrassed at having to tell them exactly what happened between us and Cole rolls his eyes.
“Believe me, darlin’, I’ve heard and seen far worse from these guys so please don’t be embarrassed.”
I take a breath, and he folds his arms waiting for my answer.
“He came back to the room, he started acting weird, and we had sex. He was so distant, rough and forceful. He’s never been that way before. He scared me.”
My voice trembles. Cole puts his hand to his head and looks at Jax. A look passes between them, which makes me feel oddly nervous and worried.
“Motherfucker! Did he hurt you?”
Cole moves closer to me with a concerned look on his face and checks me over. I shake my head, and he lets out a relieved breath.
“He’s having one of his episodes. You need to pack your stuff right now, sugar, no arguments, please. You’re going to have to trust me on this one, Peyton, ask no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. I’m going to stay here with him tonight; you’re going to take my room down the corridor. Jax will stay with you, is that OK with you, mate?” Cole says calmly, and Jax nods. However, by the look on Cole’s face, Jax doesn’t have a choice.
“It’s room four-twenty-four. I’ll deal with Sam, I’m the only one who can handle him when he’s like this.”
My eyes glaze over, and I nod, struggling to process what is going on. He hands me his key card, and I take it with shaky hands. I pull up my suitcase on the bed and start to pack my stuff together.
“Trust me, darlin’, he is going to get a whole lot worse before he gets better, it’s best that you don’t see him this way.”
The door of the bathroom opens, and Sam strides out with a towel slung low on his hips.
“Well, well, well, is this a private conversation or can anyone join in?” His eyes are wide and agitated. “Don’t mind me,” he says flatly. He drops his towel; Jax and Cole don’t seem at all fazed by Sam’s blatant nakedness. He pulls on a clean pair of boxers and a pair of loose-fitting combat shorts. “What the fuck is this, some sort of intervention?”
Sam laughs, and I zip my suitcase up. Sam’s eyes widen at the sound. He looks between Jax and me.
“Come on, babe, we need to go now,” Jax says softly, and he picks up my suitcase.
“You can’t take my girl,” Sam says, his voice trembling. “I won’t let you take her from me, you can’t fucking take her. Peyton, baby, please, I can do better, please don’t leave me.”
My heart breaks at hearing him so upset and distressed. A tear rolls down my cheek, and Sam goes to step towards me, but Cole is so fast and exudes pure strength as he holds him back with an iron grip.
“Sam, mate, it’s just for tonight.”
“No, no, no, you can’t fucking take her. I need her, she needs to stay with me. She fucking promised me she wouldn’t run anymore.”
He breaks free of Cole’s grip, collapses in a heap on the floor, and sobs uncontrollably. His hands run frantically through his still damp hair. I push past Jax and kneel down in front of Sam.
“Sam, baby, I’m here, I’m not running,” I say softly. I cup his face in my hands, and he looks at me. His eyes are so sad and pained.
“I fucked up, please don’t leave me.”
Sam reaches for my hand, but Cole touches his shoulder and stops him.
“Mate, just let her go with Jax, yeah? It’s just for tonight; she’s going to be right down the corridor.”
Sam stands up and moves towards Cole until they are toe to toe.
Sam raises his voice. “You can’t fucking stop me from being with my girl, you’ve got no right!”
“Sam, please, mate, you need to calm down.”
Sam’s nostrils flare, and he has gone from uncontrollable sobbing to boiling rage in a matter of seconds.
“Jax, get the lady out of here now, please.”
My eyes widen. “He needs me. Look at the fucking state of him!”
Cole shakes his head. “You don’t need to see him like this, darlin’, trust me.” He nods at Jax, and Sam moves forward.
“Jax, please I’m begging you, don’t do this, mate,” he pleads, and Jax shakes his head. It breaks my heart to hear him in such distress. Jax picks me up and throws me over his shoulder; Cole holds Sam back.
“Jax! Fucking put me down now!”
He strides out of the hotel room and slams the door behind us. I can hear Sam’s raised voice as we walk ten yards to Cole’s room with me pounding on Jax’s back to put me down. He inserts the key card and kicks the door open with his boot. He strides in and sets me on my feet, closing the door behind us.
“You didn’t need to throw me over your shoulder and act like a fucking caveman, Jax!”
I narrow my eyes and shoot daggers at him. He smirks and shrugs as I sit down on the identical king-size bed. Jax goes over to the other side of the room, opens the minibar, and takes out a miniature bottle of whiskey. He pours it in a glass and hands it to me.
“You look like you need it, babe.”
I manage a smile; I take a long sip and enjoy the burn as it slides down my throat. His face is marred with concern, and he crouches down in front of me.
“Listen to me, that wasn’t Sam back there, he is not himself right now. You need to understand that he has some … Erm … Issues. He gets like this every now and then.”
A tear slides down my cheek, and he rubs it away with the pad of his calloused thumb. I finish my drink and put the glass down on the floor.
“Hey, none of this your fault, babe, you have to trust me on that one.”
I look at him, and the tears don’t stop falling for my gorgeous, handsome, fucked up, rock star, boyfriend. Jax gets up from the floor, sits down next to me, and pulls me into his arms. He strokes my back reassuringly.
“Shhh, everything’s going to be all right, I promise.”
I pull away from him, but he keeps me tucked safely in his arms.
“What’s wrong with him, Jax? Why was he acting like that? Please don’t fucking lie to me. I need you to start telling me the truth, I can handle it.”
I sniff, and Jax closes his eyes for a second.
He opens his eyes, and his wide hazel eyes lock with mine; he takes my hands in his.
“Sam’s ill. He has been for years. Day to day he is usually OK, he manages it, he takes his meds like second nature, and he is totally fine. Since he met you, he decided he didn’t need his medication anymore, and he has been off it for a few months. He is—fuck he is going to kill me for telling you this, but I can see it’s getting serious between you two and you have a right to know. I have been on at him for a while to tell you the truth, but he was terrified you would run from him again. Sam has severe manic depression. We thought he was handling it until you had the car accident, then he started behaving oddly, being stupidly possessive and very aggressive. We noticed he wasn’t sleeping, working out excessively, self-medicating with the drugs, not eating properly, and burning himself out. Cole knows how to handle him in these types of situations; the guy is a total fucking legend. He has been around at some of Sam’s lowest points, and he is the only one who he listens to for some reason. If anyone can get through to him, it’s Cole. You need to let him work his magic, and he will be back to being regular Sam in no time at all, I promise you, babe.”
I am struggling to take all this new information in. Sam has severe manic depression? It certainly explains a lot of things, his need to protect me after the accident, the fights and his drug taking. How the fuck did I miss the signs?
“He thinks you’re more of a tonic for him than his medication. I begged him to carry on taking it, but you know Sam well enough by now to know that he is extremely fucking stubborn and ridiculously pig-headed.”
Jax shakes his head, and he looks as if he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. He runs his fingers through his unruly, dirty-blonde hair and lets out a sigh. I sit wondering how this day could possibly get any worse and wish it would end sooner rather than later.
I yawn, suddenly feeling exhausted from the day’s events. I look at the clock, and it reads twelve midnight.
“You should get some sleep, love, you look exhausted.”
I smile, knowing that Jax is right. I take off Sam’s hoodie and get into bed wearing my yoga trousers and a black vest. Soon, I drift off into a deep sleep.
I’m not sure how long I have been asleep, but I wake to a darkened room and Jax is sleeping fully clothed on top of the duvet with his arm thrown over his eyes a few inches away from me. I lie awake for a few minutes thinking about Sam, and I feel the overwhelming urge to go to him; I need to know that he is OK. I pull the covers back quietly and pull on Sam’s hoodie. I pull on my UGG boots and tip-toe out of the room, shutting the door silently behind me. I walk the ten yards to what was mine and Sam’s room.
I hear a loud crash, the sound of Sam shouting, and the faint sound of Cole’s deep soothing voice trying to calm him. My heart clenches at the sound. I insert the key card and push open the door. I am shocked at the state of the room—it is completely trashed. There is a lamp smashed on the floor, glass everywhere, and all of the furniture is upturned. Sam is sitting in the corner of the room with his knees pulled up to his chest. He looks like a frightened animal: trembling, his eyes are glazed, and he looks terrified. I look from him to Cole, who is sitting on the edge of the bed shaking his head as if to say, ‘you shouldn’t be here’. Sam’s eyes meet mine, and a lone tear falls down his cheek. I go to move towards him, and Cole stands up. He clears his throat.
“Can I have a word in private please, Peyton?”
I nod, and Sam’s face looks stricken.
“It’s all right, try and stay calm; we’ll just be a sec, mate, I need to talk to, Peyton.” Cole tries to placate him; it seems to be working as Sam lets out a shaky breath. He leads me towards the bathroom and pushes the door, so it is ajar but not completely closed. He turns on the tap to drown out our voices.
“What the fuck is going on, Cole?” I snap, and Cole lets out a breath.
He lowers his voice. “I can’t get through to him Peyton; it’s like he’s stopped listening to me. After you left, he went completely crazy, he’s so far gone I’m starting to worry he won’t come back from this. The only other person who can talk to him and get through to him when he’s like this is his dad, but Marlowe is my last and final resort.”
I look at him, and he scrubs his hands down his face. “What a fucking mess.”
I brush his arm in reassurance. “Please let me try.”
He nods, and I leave the bathroom. I crouch down in front of Sam, and his pained eyes meet mine. I cup his face in my hands.
“Baby, you’re breaking my heart,” I tell him, my voice thick with unshed tears. “Please let me in. I need you to talk to me, Sam.”
He holds my gaze and puts his hand over mine on his face.
“I’m so sorry angel,” he says, his voice hoarse.
“You don’t need to apologise to me, you’re ill, and you’re not yourself right now. Jax told me everything.”
His eyes widen, but he is silent.
“Why didn’t you tell me all of this before?”
He shakes his head. “I was ashamed, you’re the only good thing to come out of all this; you don’t deserve to be involved in this fucking mess, angel.”
I get to my feet and offer him my hand. He looks up at me and takes it; I lead him over to the bed and lie down. I pat the space next to me, and he complies, lying down beside me. I lay my head on his chest, and we get comfortable on the bed.
“Start talking, rock star.”
I hear him chuckle softly. “Where do I start?”
I laugh. “How about the beginning, baby?”
I take his hand in mine and stroke it gently. His knuckles are bruised and covered in dried blood.
“I need you to tell me one thing before I start. Did I hurt you? I couldn’t bear to think that I hurt you and laid my hands on you while I was like that.”
His voice is pained, and my heart clenches. I shake my head.
“No, you didn’t hurt me baby; you were a little rough but nothing I couldn’t handle.”
He strokes my arm. “I’m so sorry angel,” he whispers, and in a gesture of reassurance, I kiss his knuckles.
“My medication makes me feel dead inside, Peyton. Why do you think I only ever had meaningless sex without feeling anything for so long? I flushed my pills a few days after I met you, that first morning you woke up in my bed, in a rare moment of clarity. I promised myself I wouldn’t be just an emotionless shell anymore; if we were going to do the whole relationship thing, I didn’t want anything in the way. I didn’t want you to be just another conquest; I wanted it to be real.”
He moves closer to me and wraps his strong familiar arms around me.
“J.D. thought it was a bad idea from the moment I told him. He called my dad and told everyone in the crew to keep an eye on me. I had a grip on it, I was fine! I was finally alive for the first time in a long fucking time. I have emotions and feelings now, feelings that weren’t there before. Up until the accident. I started to lose control, and I’m so fucking sorry for that, angel. I know I fucked up, and I was suffocating you, but you have to understand. It’s like all the stuff I didn’t feel before was rushing to the surface and it completely overwhelmed me.”
I suddenly feel responsible for all this happening to him and as if he reads my mind, he says, “None of this is your fault, angel, you have to believe me when I say that. I take full responsibility for everything that’s happened since I’ve been off my meds. But I wasn’t totally honest with you about why I was in rehab I had a drug problem, but it was also because of my depression. I’m sorry I was economical with the truth, but everything I have done, my actions, are all because I was trying to protect you. Shield you from this fucking shit storm. If you want to go I wouldn’t blame you, angel, the door is right there.”
I shake my head. How could he possibly think I would want to leave right now?
“I’m not going anywhere, Sam; I intend to stick around for the long haul. I love you, so much.”
He kisses me gently on my
forehead and strokes my hand.
“I took it out on the people closest to me. I’ve been lashing out at everyone, and I don’t know how I’m going to make up for that, but I’ll spend my life trying if that’s what it takes.”
I snuggle closer to him, hoping to offer him some sort of comfort. I hate seeing my strong man hurting like this, knowing there isn’t a single thing I can do to make it right.
“I’m so fucking sorry for everything I’ve put you through, I’m such an idiot.”
We lie there for a while just listening to each other breathing, revelling in the silence and Sam’s quiet calmness. As I am lying on his chest, I hear his breathing even out, and before I glance up, I know he has fallen asleep. Cole comes out of the bathroom, and a look of relief washes over his features. He sits in an overstuffed armchair in the corner of the room.