by Amiee Louise
“Sam, mate, I’m so sorry,” Dexter says, and Sophia narrows her eyes on him.
“Don’t you bloody dare apologise for me, Dexter Harper.”
Her and Dexter both leave, Kate picks up her clipboard and takes a seat.
“I’m going to have to jot that down, Sam, I’m sorry.”
I shake my head and sniff, wiping my eyes on my sleeve.
“It’s fine, Christ, I’m so ashamed. Everything she said was right.”
Kate looks at me sympathetically and places her hand on mine.
“You’re mourning a loss, sweetheart, it’s understandable.”
She writes something down on her clipboard, and I regard her intently.
“I’m just doing my job, my love,” she says softly, and smiles. Her warm, compassionate nature has aided my recovery over the past few days, and I will be forever grateful to her. The door taps and Jax walks in. It is the first time I have seen him since he walked out two days ago. Kate turns, and her mouth drops open as she catches sight of Jax in all his blonde tattooed glory. He reminds me of Thor, with his blonde flowing locks and goatee beard. I smirk at the thought.
“Kate, this is my friend and bandmate Jax. Jax, this is Kate.”
Jax salutes.
“Kate, pleasure to meet you, babe.”
He shakes Kate’s hand and winks as she stands up
“I’ll leave you boys to it, I’ll come back to check on you in a little while, Sam.”
She stands up, smiles brightly and leaves the room. I gesture for Jax to take a seat and he sits down.
“Are you actually going to look at me?”
I break the awkward silence that seems to have settled in the room. He lifts his head, and his eyes lock with mine. The haunted look from two days ago has disappeared and has been replaced with one of concern.
“I’m so sorry, Jax.”
He shakes his head.
“Do not ever fucking pull that crap on me again, Sam,” he says sharply.
“Finding you like that…fuck, it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed. Finding you in a pool of your own blood, there was so much blood, Sam.”
He closes his eyes briefly at the memory and swallows harshly, as if he is swallowing back a lump in his throat.
“I thought … I thought you were fucking dead. If you felt so low, you could have fucking talked to me, instead of trying to take your own god damn life!”
His eyes are glazed over, and he runs his hands through his hair.
“It’s bad enough that I have to listen to my girlfriend crying herself to sleep every night because she misses Peyton so much. It breaks my heart, Sam, it tears me the fuck apart every single time.”
This time a tear escapes and rolls down his cheek. My heart clenches at the thought that I am the one responsible for this.
“I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my best friend, my fucking brother. We might not be related by blood, but you’re my family, Sam.”
I look up at the ceiling struggling to rein in the emotions that are threatening to overwhelm me.
Breathe, Newbolt.
“I’ll never be able to apologise enough for what I put you through, Jax, but … but I couldn’t see another way out, the pain of losing her… it … Fuck … it consumes me. It hurts so fucking badly, I just wanted it all to stop.”
Jax takes a breath and looks at me.
“Do you think she would have wanted this?”
My heart aches at his words, and the truth is, no, she wouldn’t have wanted it. Peyton was so full of life, so beautiful on the inside and on the outside. She made my life worthwhile; she made life bearable again for the first time in years. She made me feel alive and to have her so cruelly ripped away from me like that, was more than I could stand. I like to think that I am a strong person but deep down I know I’m weak. I’m weak for wanting to purposely take my own life when she would have given everything to be here with me right now. It is with that thought that I vow to get my life back on track not just for me but for Peyton too. My Peyton.
***
A month passes by, and I have been discharged from hospital. A lot has changed in a month. Brody has been admitted to rehab for his out of control drug addiction; it seems Peyton’s death hasn’t just taken its toll on me. As a band, with J.D’s blessing, we have decided to take a year out of the music industry.
Jax and Ruby have finally taken a leap and have moved in together, taking their relationship to the next level. It is so good to see them both happy. Jax is pursuing some solo projects and collaborating with other artists. After the pain of losing her best friend, Ruby decided that life was too precious to waste time regretting things and she has become a permanent fixture to the Rancid Vengeance family.
Lucas has decided to take some well-earned time out and is spending some time in America to pursue his other passions, which are surfing and photography. He always tells me that there is nothing like the rush you experience when you catch a wave. Before the band made it big, Lucas would sell his photographs to pay the bills. His talent goes way beyond drumming, and some of his photography has been used in our album artwork over the past ten years.
I was discharged from hospital two weeks ago, and during that time, I suffered from constant nightmares. I wake up drenched in sweat and screaming, and as a result, I have hardly slept. Everywhere I go in the apartment I am reminded of Peyton; every room holds a special memory of her. The hole she has left in my life has had a significant effect on my mental state. I have made the decision to sell the building that houses mine, Jax, Cole, and Lucas’ apartments. A billionaire by the name of Nolan Wilder, who is looking for a new place in London has shown more than a keen interest in buying the building. I have looked at a few houses on the outskirts of London and have managed to secure a nine-bedroom mansion in Sawbridgeworth, Hertfordshire. A whole hour and a half away from the hustle and bustle of Central London. It is a world away, and I think it the peace and quiet will be good to help me heal.
I have been told that time can be a healer, even though it has only been a month since Peyton’s death, there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I believe that you only ever experience true love once in life and my great love was Peyton. My Peyton.
2
Sam - 1 Year Later
“Vengeance, Vengeance, Vengeance.”
The crowd is going absolutely crazy for us, cheering, clapping, and stomping their feet. The chant is so loud, I’m sure I can feel the walls of the backstage area vibrate and shake. It’s an amazing feeling to be waiting backstage hearing a crowd of twenty thousand fans eagerly anticipating our comeback gig. It has been a whole year since we have played a live gig.
Jax is tuning his guitar and getting himself in what he likes to call ‘the zone’ before we go on stage. Making sure he keeps himself to himself, he doesn’t like to be distracted before a gig, he remains the consummate professional. He, however, lets his hair down after a gig; that boy is the biggest party animal I have ever met. Though not so much these days because he is engaged and loved up with Ruby. She is three months pregnant with his baby, and she travels on the road with us when she can. She is a welcome addition to the madness of Rancid Vengeance and a calming female influence on us all.
Lucas impresses his groupies with his stick spinning trick, living up to his stage name The Axeman. They’re all hanging on his every word and practically falling at his feet. That boy can have the ladies eating out of the palm of his hand with just a look. A look that he has been perfecting over the years and it always seems to work, one hundred percent fail-proof!
Brody, the most eccentric and most unpredictable member of the band, with his newly-shaven head, is nowhere to be seen. He is probably getting laid on the tour bus with one of his many groupies; he calls it ‘Exorcising his nerves’. Brody never fails to amaze me; he is such a talented rhythm guitarist. He can get away with not practising for a show, which is why he spends so much time getting laid and chasing skir
t!
Now me, Sam, I’m a completely different story altogether. My heart is pounding, and I’m feeling a little nervous after being away from the spotlight for a whole year. Actually, fuck nervous, I feel like am actually shitting a brick!
The night of this gig…I have been dreading it for the whole year. I have been throwing myself into music, writing and recording our new album. In my opinion, it is our best album to date. However, getting up on stage and performing in front of a twenty thousand strong crowd after a yearlong break, it sets my nerves on edge. I stare absent-mindedly at the floor, and I feel myself start to shake uncontrollably. Jax comes over and rests his hand on my shoulder.
“Sam, are you OK, mate?”
By my silence, I know that he understands what it is taking for me to even be here tonight. Even though we are at Madison Square Garden, which is over two and a half thousand miles away from where she was taken and killed, I feel like I’m reliving it all over again.
Get it together, Newbolt, for fuck’s sake.
“If you need me, dude, I’ll be just down the corridor.”
Jax smiles reassuringly, pats me on the back, and leaves. After all of our years of friendship, there is a silent and mutual understanding between us.
I lean heavily on the dressing room table and look at my reflection in the mirror. My stage persona, Bolt, is staring back at me with full stage make-up, black eyeliner, my tight leather trousers, black vest, and black leather waistcoat with angel wings stitched into the back. I am wearing a leather cuff to hide the deep scars on my wrists, chains, and studs, complete with my newly raven-black shaggy spiky hair and customised cowboy boots.
Deep down I don’t feel like Bolt right now. Usually, as soon as I get my stage makeup and my stage outfit on, I am instantly transformed into my alter ego Bolt. But, I just feel like the same old Sam. The Sam that lost the woman he was going to marry and the woman who was carrying his unborn child. I reach into the drawer and take out a pill bottle of my anti-depressants, Seroxat. After all these years, I still need them to even drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I take two and wash them down with a bottle of water.
The dressing room door taps softly.
“Sam, it’s Ali, are you OK in there, mate?”
Our new manager Alistair, the owner of our record company, shouts from outside the door. J.D disappeared just over six months ago. One day he was there, the next he was gone, disappeared without a trace. None of us have heard from him or seen him in six whole months. I can’t say I’m sorry to see him gone because there was never any love lost between us, not after what happened anyway. I look at my reflection in the mirror and paint the old Bolt smile on. I clear my throat and take a deep breath.
“Yeah, I’m OK, mate, just give us a sec.”
There is a pause, and I know there is a mutual understanding between Alistair and me. There is a mutual respect and a growing friendship between us, which was never present when J.D managed us. J.D was just our manager; to him, we were a product that made him a lot of money, generated publicity for him and his record company. Alistair is different. He is young, full of ideas and the most laid back person I have ever come across. I will never forget the day he told me the secret he was keeping.
3
Sam - Eighteen Months Ago
We are in the studio, having just laid down a few tracks for the new album. The rest of the guys went on to some club a while ago, and I said I would join them as soon as I have finished chatting to Alistair. He is so different from J.D, he actually listens to what we want as a band. He gets us in a way J.D doesn’t, and he is refreshing to be around. I send a quick text to Peyton promising her I’ll see her soon. As I’m putting my phone in my pocket, Alistair comes out of the recording studio and out into the reception area. He sets a glass of amber liquid down on the glass table and sits on the sofa next to me.
“You deserve it, mate.”
I laugh, and my phone chirps a response from Peyton. I pull my phone out.
Can’t wait to see you baby
I’m waiting at yours
I’ll be the one naked and horny! ;)
Love you
P xx
I smile to myself as I read her words. I fucking love her so much, she satisfies a deep need in me to protect her with every ounce of my being. It’s crazy I have been with her for such a short amount of time, and she has already reduced me to a shy, quivering mess every time I’m around her. In contrast, I’m a total wreck, pacing up and down like a caged animal when she is not around. I’m totally smitten.
“So how're things with … Sorry, mate, I’m shit with names!”
Alistair smiles.
“Peyton.”
He nods inquisitively.
“Things are going great right now, I’m smitten with her, mate, first time I clapped eyes on her.”
I puff out my cheeks and let out a long breath at the memory of the day we met. Alistair crosses his legs at the ankle and takes a sip of his whiskey.
“Make sure you hold onto her mate, treasure those little moments together however insignificant they are. Definitely be one hundred percent honest and totally up front, don’t wait to tell her how you really feel.”
I look at him and take a sip of my whiskey.
“I won’t.”
He lets out a breath.
“My fiancée died, and I left it too late to tell her how I really felt and how sorry I was for the way I behaved.”
My eyes widen at his revelation.
“I’m so sorry, mate.”
I don’t want to push him further because the hurt in his eyes is evident.
“We were in a car accident four years ago. I was driving, and I took my eyes off the road for a split fucking second. That split second caused us to crash head-on into a truck and roll into a ditch. She died on impact. I came round in the hospital, and I asked where she was. Before they told me I knew, I knew she was gone.”
Alistair pauses, tears pricking at his eyes as he tells me his story. He clearly is hesitant to continue, but he finally does.
“I…I cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend. It’s the biggest regret of my life, and I didn’t get the chance to make it up to her. We had a son together, Alfie. He is six now. He is growing every single day, and I couldn’t bear to look at him in the beginning because he is so much like his mum. I felt so numb, and I remember thinking after she died why her and not me. I survived, and she didn’t get to. They call it survivor’s guilt; I escaped with a broken leg, a broken wrist, head injury, and a few minor cuts and bruises. I felt so guilty for being the one that survived. I didn’t want to live, and I attempted suicide. I’m not proud of that, definitely not my finest hour, but I saw a counsellor for a year because of the flashbacks. But time is a great healer, or so they say; I have a new life now. Lexi and I, we have twin girls, Autumn and Bella. They’re two now. I felt so guilty for moving on, and I thought I was betraying Izzy’s memory, but I know she would want me to carry on living my life. I feel like I’ve got a second chance.”
I listen to Alistair tell his story intently. Wow, I couldn’t ever imagine losing Peyton, I would lose my mind, and she is already my world. She waltzed into my life with her tattoos and feisty personality. I can’t begin to comprehend what Alistair must have gone through, and I vow to protect my Peyton with every fibre in my body.
4
Sam - Present
A gentle tap on the dressing room door catches my attention.
“I said I’ll be out in a sec, mate.”
There is a pause.
“It’s me, sweetie, can I come in?”
I hear Ruby’s soft, singsong voice and I open the door. She is standing there with her long black hair flowing around her shoulders, her warm hazel eyes, and tiny pregnant bump.
“Ruby.”
She smiles and steps into the dressing room. She brushes my arm.
“How are you feeling?”
I nod, and she cocks her head, giving me a knowing look.
/>
“Really?”
I let out a breath.
“A mixture, really.”
I flop down onto the sofa and put my head in my hands.
“Fuck, I can’t do this, Ruby.”
She crouches in front of me and takes my face between her hands.
“Sam, look at me, yes you can. Peyton wouldn’t want you to be sitting here miserable and brooding. She would want you to go out there and rock the shit out of this place! You know how much your voice affected her, and she loved hearing you sing, she was your biggest fan!”