by Amiee Louise
Her eyes glaze over at my words, and she traces over the lines of my tattoo before she loses it completely, collapsing in floods of tears in my arms. I start to wonder what has made her cry, and I fear the worst.
“Hey, what’s with the tears, babe?”
I attempt to soothe her.
“Shhh.”
I kiss her forehead, and she snuggles closer to my chest.
“I’ll never let anyone hurt you, angel.”
We spend the rest of the day catching up and spending some quality time together. I have missed being with my girl and being a normal couple. By the time the evening rolls around, we order takeaway and snuggle on the sofa. After we finish eating, she falls asleep in my lap, and I lift her from the sofa. I carry her to my bedroom, and she wakes up as I lay her down on the bed.
“I’ve got you, angel.”
She sleepily shakes her head.
“It’s fine, baby.”
She smiles the smile I have missed, and I kiss her gently on the lips. She gets up and strides to the walk-in wardrobe, taking out one of my oversized Rancid Vengeance t-shirt’s. I love seeing her in my clothes. She goes into the bathroom and closes the door. I frown at the oddness of her closing the door. She never closes the door, and I start to think of all the reasons why she doesn’t want me to see her naked. I don’t knock, I just swing the door open as she pulls on my t-shirt.
“Hey, what’s with the closed-door, angel? You’re not normally so shy about getting undressed in front of me. Is something wrong? Have I done something?”
My face is filled with worry, and she strokes my cheek softly with the back of her hand.
“Everything’s perfect, babe, I’ve just put on a little weight since you’ve been away. Too many late nights at work, too many takeaways, and too much Ben and Jerry’s. I should think about getting back to the gym.”
She tries to dismiss it with a smile, but I don’t believe her for a second. I would love her whatever she looked like. She’s hiding something from me, I know she is. She comes back into the bedroom with her hair in a loose knot, and I pat the space on the bed next to me.
“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep. I’ve got some unpacking to do, and I’ve got some stuff that needs taking care of, but I’ll be in soon.”
I lie next to her, and she falls asleep in my arms. I lay watching her sleeping form for a few minutes, trying to figure out what is wrong with her. The dark circles around her eyes are a clear indication to me that it is more than just too many late nights spent at the shop.
Has she cheated on me? Has she suddenly realised that our lives are poles apart? Has she fallen out of love with me? My mind is racing at a hundred miles per hour, and I can’t keep up with the constant inconsequential doubts. I get up from the bed and scrub my hands across my stubbled jaw. I walk out of the bedroom, leaving my sleeping angel to rest.
I go into my office, pour myself a large glass of whiskey, and drop down into my leather chair, kicking my long legs up on the desk. I fire up my computer, run my hands through my hair, and prepare myself to deal with fan mail, post-tour admin, and requests from various charities regarding personal appearances and donations. The only thought that dominates my brain at that moment is, Jesus Christ, we need to hire a new personal assistant.
After I finish dealing with band stuff, I go to join Peyton in bed. I strip off my clothes and curl up beside her. I take in her scent, the warmth of her soft skin against mine, the look of absolute serenity as she sleeps, the way her hair haphazardly spreads out across the pillow, all the things I have missed after almost two months apart. I spoon her, and the feel of her pressed against me is enough to send me into a deep sleep.
I am not sure how long I have been asleep, but I am roused from my sleep by Peyton screaming, which scares the living shit out of me, and I softly call out her name.
“Peyton, wake up, you’re having a nightmare.”
I softly stroke her hair; her breathing is laboured, and she has a thin sheen of sweat forming on her forehead.
“Jesus, angel, I’m here. Are you ok? You scared the shit out of me,” I say quietly, and I go to pull her into me to comfort her.
She looks stricken, and she flinches as if I have burned her. Fuck. She jumps out of bed and runs into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind her. I get up from the bed and run my hands through my hair. What the fuck is going on with her? I stride over to the locked bathroom and hear her sobbing hysterically; the sound shreds me. I rattle the doorknob, desperate for her to let me in so I can comfort her.
“Angel, fuck! Open the door, please talk to me.”
I try to sound calm but fail miserably. She sobs hard, and I shake the doorknob again.
“The door’s coming down if you don’t open it, angel.”
I soften my voice and lean my head against the door. Fuck, why is she doing this?
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me, babe.”
I sit down outside the door in my boxers.
“Please, just go away,” she chokes out, and I lean my head back against the wall.
“Not happening, baby. I’ll sit out here all night if I have to.”
A few minutes of silence pass.
“Do you want to tell me what your nightmare was about, angel?”
My voice is barely a whisper, as I try desperately to get her to open up and tell me what the fuck she was dreaming about. She unlocks the door, and as she opens the door, I reach my hand out to her. She regards my hand intently and starts to push past me. She runs into the living room, and I follow her.
“Fuck, where are you going, angel?”
My voice is panicked, but she doesn’t answer me. Her silence is really freaking me out, and she frantically starts throwing her stuff into her overnight bag.
“Peyton, will you just fucking stop for one god damn second!”
I try to stop her, and I tilt her chin up to face me. Her blue eyes look so sad and troubled, the remnants of her nightmare still visible in the expression on her beautiful face.
“Don’t leave me, angel,” I plead, and she shakes her head.
“I can’t do this anymore Sam, being with you is...unpredictable. Every time I’m near you, I lose myself.”
What the fucking fuck? Where is all this coming from? I can’t help thinking that it is a lame cop out on her behalf to mask something more serious. She swipes a stray tear from her eye as I move closer to her.
“Why are you doing this? What have I done? Tell me what I’ve done, and I’ll fix it; I’ll make it right.”
She hangs her head.
“I thought we were ok, please stop and fucking talk to me. Please don’t run from me, tell me you’ll stay.”
The truth is, I can’t bear the thought of her leaving me; she’s all I’ve thought about for the past few months. She moves closer to me, and I reach for her hand. She lets me take it and I stroke her knuckles softly.
“What’s wrong? Please talk to me. I can’t fucking stand you shutting me out like this, angel.”
She releases my hand and puts her hands up to her face. She sobs, and as the tears begin, I clench my jaw. Fuck, my heart feels like it’s being ripped apart and it fucking shreds me.
“Jesus, please don’t cry, what can I do? Tell me what I can do, angel,” I plead anxiously.
She tries desperately to get herself together, and when she finally does, she chokes out.
“This is all such a fucking mess, Sam, and it’s all my fault.”
What the fuck? I shake my head.
“Everything’s going to be ok, as long we have each other; I’m not going anywhere, I promise you, angel.”
I move towards her and pull her to my chest. She clings to me as she sobs, and I hold her close to me, silently begging her to tell me what’s wrong.
“Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours, angel.”
My voice is a gruff whisper, and my heart beat starts to quicken as I wait patiently for
her to continue. She takes a deep breath, and our eyes lock.
“I...I’m pregnant,” she chokes out.
I’ve never really contemplated wanting kids, but suddenly, now that she’s told me she’s pregnant, I am instantly on board and thrilled at the prospect of becoming a dad for the first time. I don’t say anything at first, I’m still processing the news. She starts to tremble violently in my arms.
“Hey, shush, I’ve got you, angel.”
I try to soothe her and then I find my voice.
“You’re pregnant, wow!”
The biggest grin spreads across my face. I cup her face in my hands, and I press my lips eagerly to hers.
“Angel, you have just made me the happiest fucking man to walk this earth! I’m going to be a dad!” I say excitedly as I see the look of relief wash over her face and she sags in my arms.
I release her and hold her at arm’s length away from me. I might not be a mind reader, but I know as soon as I look at her exactly what was wrong. She actually thought I was going to leave her just like her scumbag ex Callum did.
“You thought I was going to leave didn’t you, angel?” I say softly, waiting for an answer from her. “Look at me, Peyton.”
She looks up at me and nods, her eyes brimming with tears. My heart slams against my ribcage. How the fuck could she think I would do that to her?
“How could you think that, angel? After everything we’ve been through?”
She shakes her head.
“I don’t know I just panicked...I was...terrified.”
I stroke her face softly with the back of my hand.
“I’m nothing like that cock sucker. I’m not going anywhere; you’re stuck with me,” I say vehemently, as I grin widely.
I lift up my t-shirt that she is wearing to look more closely at her now visible bump.
“How far gone are you?”
I trace her small bump with my fingers, and my smile couldn’t get any bigger. She is carrying our baby, a piece of her and a piece of me moulded into one tiny person. She places her hand over mine and smiles.
“Twelve weeks.”
She worries her lip between her teeth as I take in a sharp breath.
Three fucking months. She kept it to herself for three whole months? What the actual fuck? I do the maths in my head, and that means she knew she was pregnant before we left for the European leg of our tour. Why the fuck would she do that? I curse to myself and walk over to the balcony. I pull open the doors and drop down on the lounger. I run my fingers through my hair so harshly that it is almost painful. I can’t believe she kept it from me for so long and I can feel myself trembling with anger. She follows me out onto the balcony and leans in the doorway.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me, angel? That night you told me about Callum, I promised you if that ever happened to us, I’d stand by you.”
I scrub my hand down my face, desperately trying to keep my anger leashed. She bursts into tears again, and I wrap her in my arms, trying to comfort her as she clings to me tightly.
“Shhh, it’s going to be alright, angel, I promise. We’ll be a family. The three of us: you, me and our little rock star!”
I laugh, and she cocks her eyebrow at me.
“What if it’s a girl?”
I cup her cheek and kiss her gently on the end of her nose.
“Then she’s not leaving our house until she’s at least thirty-five, and I’m not letting any boys anywhere near her!”
We both laugh, and she lets out a yawn.
“Tired, angel?”
She nods, and I pick her up, carrying her into the bedroom.
“I can walk you know, I do have legs!”
I laugh out loud.
“I know, but you’re carrying precious cargo now!”
She chuckles softly, and I set her down gently on the bed and lie down next to her. I pull her back to my chest and wrap my arms around her. I gently rest my hand on her stomach and snuggle into her back. At that moment, I feel so happy, jubilant and content with my life. I fall into a dreamless sleep with the woman I love in my arms and my unborn child in her stomach.
***
Present
Freddie squirms in my arms, and I get up from the floor and move over to the window. I hold him close to me as I look out across the New York City skyline.
“See, this is where daddy lives sometimes, rock star. Isn't it beautiful?” I say softly. “Look, there’s the Empire State building, that’s the third tallest building in all of New York.”
I chatter idly and smile as his chubby fingers cling onto my shirt. Peyton chuckles softly.
“You’re a natural. I think that’s his way of telling you he likes you.”
I turn around, and she still takes my breath away. Her innocence, her natural beauty, and the way she has the ability to calm my racings thoughts… by just being her. I hold our son close to me, and I am struck dumb by the little miracle in my arms.
“I’m speechless, angel; he’s the most beautiful kid I’ve ever seen. He’s a little person that looks like us.”
She smirks and cocks her eyebrow.
“Since when did you start getting sentimental, Newbolt?” she says sassily, and I chuckle softly.
“Since I started reading some of those sappy, erotic romance novels Ruby reads!”
She raises her eyebrows and smirks. I can't believe I just fucking admitted that out loud!
“Hey, don’t judge me, we had a year off. I’ve had time on my hands, babe!” I joke, and she cocks her eyebrow, silently asking me to elaborate.
“You know the ones? Billionaire alpha male meets innocent young beauty, young beauty tries her hardest to stay away from said billionaire alpha male, but his pull is just too strong for her to resist, blah, blah, blah...you could write the plot on the head of a fucking pin!”
I dramatically make a vomiting motion, and we both laugh. I am comfortable with the easy conversation between us; it is almost like the past year never happened.
“Wow! Sam Newbolt in sappy romance novel shocker, that’s front-page news right there, babe!”
She cheekily sticks her tongue out at me; I throw my head back and laugh. There’s my girl.
“Shhh! I’ve got my rock star reputation to keep up, angel. Let’s keep that one just between us.”
I put my index finger to my lips and wink cheekily. She visibly shivers, and even after all this time, my presence still affects her. That one single reaction gives me hope that we can move forward.
“Freddie’s due his nap; can I put him down in one of your bedrooms, please?”
I nod, disappointed that my time with my son is cut short, but I would agree to almost anything she asked if it meant that I get her to stay. Christ, I sound like such a pussy.
“Yeah of course, whatever you need, angel.”
I am still trying to process the fact that my Peyton is back, and we have a child together.
“I would offer you some wine, or something stronger, but it's not very responsible, is it? I’ll put the coffee machine on; there are two spare bedrooms just through there, angel. As soon as you agreed to let me see him, I got Cole to order a cot and some bedding.”
I point along the far end of the apartment, and she smiles. Amazing what having money can do to get things done.
“You’ve thought of everything, thank you,” she says softly and reaches up on her tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek.
She turns to take Freddie with her, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I step into my kitchen and turn on the coffee machine, the aroma of fresh coffee beans filling my nostrils. I lean on the worktop and contemplate how I never really knew how much I wanted kids until Peyton told me she was pregnant. As soon as she told me, I knew instantly that I wasn’t going to be like that cocksucker, Callum, and bail on her when she needed me the most. I was prepared to stand by her and do the right thing. I was brought up believing that it takes two people to make a baby and I was prepared to support her both emotionally and fin
ancially.
When the band first started I didn’t see a future with a girlfriend or a wife with two point four kids. I saw me being a world-famous rock star, an eternal bachelor destined for the single life, moving from one groupie to the next, and touring around the globe without a care in the world.
Seeing Cole, Amy and Addison as a family in the year Peyton was gone, it cut me deep. I have never been envious of anyone in my life, because for years I had it all: the money, the fame, the rock and roll lifestyle, and the women. Yet in that year, I felt like I had nothing. I felt resentful towards Cole and Amy for having something that I felt I would never find again. A child created out of love between two people, a family of my own, a legacy, someone to pass on my words of wisdom to, and someone to carry on the Newbolt name.