by Amiee Louise
She kisses me on the cheek and gives my hair one final fluff. She smiles with satisfaction and links my arm with hers.
“Ready?”
I nod and manage a weak smile. I’m ready as I’ll ever be.
As we approach the Newbolt’s estate in Ashford, Kent, I find myself once again awestruck at the looming property in front of us. It is a detached five-bedroom house, with a double garage, stables, and around three acres of land. I remember Sam explaining to me, all those months ago, that it was built in the style of a traditional Kent barn.
Ruby, Jax, Freddie, and I make our way to the front door. We are greeted by Lori Newbolt, who looks exactly the same as I remember her. She is a tall, slender, striking older woman, with dark brown jaw length hair. She has blue-green eyes and a bright red lipsticked smile. She is wearing a soft pink and white floor length maxi dress, with white Jackie O style glasses perched on top of her head.
“Ruby, Jackson, how lovely to see you both.”
She pulls Jax in for a hug and air kisses Ruby on both cheeks. Her face seems to lose its softness as she takes me in.
“Peyton, good of you to come.”
She pouts and nods curtly. Her face lights up as she catches sight of Freddie.
“Hello Freddie, aren’t you a handsome boy? Just like your daddy,” she croons and plucks Freddie from my arms.
“Come to nana, come inside.”
He squeals with delight, and I happily let her take him inside the house. We all head inside, and I hang back to talk to Ruby as Jax strides off to find Sam.
“This was a bad idea, Ruby,” I whisper, and she clutches my arm.
“Don’t be silly. It’s going to be fine, babe, I promise. At least stay for a few drinks, for me.”
She sticks out her bottom lip, and I roll my eyes as she leads me through the house and into the garden. As we step into the large garden, it feels almost normal. Except it isn’t, not really. Sam’s family are all there: Marlowe, Lori, Brandon, Elijah, Willow, and a visibly pregnant Savannah. My face drops as I catch sight of Callum with his arm casually slung around Savannah’s neck. I spot the Lightning Bolts, Milo and Seth, as well as Cole, Amy and Addison. Nearby are the boys, Lucas, Jax, Brody, as well as Seb and the bands new manager, Alistair, his wife Lexi, their twin girls, Autumn and Bella, and Alistair’s six-year-old son Alfie. It is quite a gathering, and it seems like a lot has changed since we last came together.
The weather is warm and sunny, but I feel awkward being here. Ruby convinced me to come here, but I’m already regretting the decision. Ruby breezes around the garden, saying hello to everyone as if it’s second nature, and I hang back like the new kid in the school playground.
Someone shoot me now.
My skin prickles as I catch sight of Sam with Jax, Brody, and Lucas. He is wearing tight denim cut-off shorts, a white vest with a blue, white and black checked shirt over the top with the sleeves rolled up. His raven black hair is longer, but still it’s usual mussed up spiky style, with a pair of aviator sunglasses sitting on top of his head.
“Look at him, Peyton; he can’t take his dreamy greens off you,” Ruby whispers, interrupting my thoughts.
I turn around, and I see Sam’s intense green eyes lock with mine.
“Rubes, don’t,” I warn, looking away from him.
Even though I have been here less than ten minutes, I know I can’t do this. Being here amongst his family, the boys, and our friends. It’s difficult, and it’s fucking awkward. The only thing that’s keeping me from going insane is Freddie, our little boy, who is currently being handed around by Lori. I catch his bright green, wide, inquisitive eyes, which remind me so much of Sam. His eyes are so full of unconditional love and innocence; it makes my heart swell and ache all at the same time.
“Come on, Peyton, go and talk to him. What have you got to lose?”
I shake my head. It is like everything my mum said has just gone completely out of the window.
I shouldn’t be here.
“Rubes, I can’t. I just can't,” I say softly as Ruby brushes my arm reassuringly.
“Let’s get a drink, Lori makes the best punch you’ve ever tasted. I’m gutted I can’t sample it.”
She leads me off to a large white tent towards the back of the garden, which is being tended to by waiting staff.
“Two glasses of punch, one alcoholic, one virgin, please?”
Ruby nods to the waiter, and he quickly pours both drinks into two high ball glasses. I look at the pink liquid and cock my eyebrow at Ruby.
“Are you sure this isn’t poisoned?” I say, with an air of cynicism to my voice, and Ruby throws her head back and laughs.
“Don’t be so dramatic. There’s only room in this friendship for one drama queen, and that would be me!”
She takes a long sip of her non-alcoholic cocktail and swallows.
“See, I’m not writhing around in agony.”
I follow suit and take a sip. It is really refreshing, until you get the burn of the alcohol. After a few glasses of this, I’ll be spilling all of my deepest, darkest secrets, which is something I don’t want to do. A few minutes passes and an extremely excitable Addison comes rushing towards me, followed by Amy, Cole’s fiancée. She skids to a stop in front of me. She is as adorable as I remember her. Addison Benedict is Cole and Amy’s daughter and Sam’s god daughter. Like her mum, she has flawless coffee coloured skin, bright wide inquisitive brown, almost black eyes, and her curly black hair framing her face. She is wearing a purple polka dot sundress and matching purple Converse. She narrows her eyes and places both hands on her hips.
“You made my Uncle Sammy sad!”
She points her finger at me accusingly and my mouth forms a perfect ‘O’ shape at her hostility. She might only be five years old, but she seems to have the mind of someone a lot older.
“You made him sad and I hate you!” she says with such an unfriendly tone to her tiny voice that it takes me aback.
My eyes widen, and I can feel hot tears stinging the back of my eyes.
“Addison Rose Benedict!” Amy chastises her. “Apologise to Peyton right now. That wasn’t nice was it?” Amy says firmly.
Addison frowns and narrows her eyes at me.
“Apologise now, Addison Rose.”
Amy raises her voice an octave and she mouths ‘I’m sorry’ to me.
“NO!” Addison shouts and stomps her feet.
All eyes turn to our altercation as Sam strides over with purpose and crouches down next to Addison.
“What’s wrong, Princess? Come on, you can tell Uncle Sammy.”
She throws her arms around his neck and he swings her up into his arms. She points her finger at me and her bottom lip starts to quiver.
“She made you sad Uncle Sammy. You cried and drank lots of party juice, and it was all her fault.”
Sam looks from Addison to me and I hang my head.
Even a five-year-old knows I messed up. Great.
“It’s not Peyton’s fault, baby girl. She was just doing what was right for our little boy. Do you see him over there with Aunty Lori? I’m his daddy and Peyton’s his mummy. She wasn’t with the angels’ princess, she was making sure our little boy was safe and looked after.”
Addison nuzzles her nose against Sam’s and it’s adorable to see them interacting. She is protective of him, and I understand that.
“Now, are you going to say sorry to Peyton?”
Addison’s deep brown eyes are wide and full of remorse as she looks at me.
“I’m sorry, Peyton,” she says in a small voice and I nod.
“It’s ok, Addison. Excuse me, I...I...” I stutter and rush off into the kitchen.
I lean against the worktop and take a few deep breaths. I am interrupted by the gurgling of Freddie and the click of heels against the kitchen tiles.
“Peyton.”
Lori’s soft American voice cuts through the silence, and she hands Freddie to me.
“Hello, precious boy.�
�
His face lights up and he grabs hold of my necklace with such fascination in his intelligent green eyes.
“I don’t want to cause a scene or an argument with you Peyton, but you should know something. The year you were gone, he fell apart. Do you know what it's like as a mother seeing your child so broken? Watching him torture himself day after day and not being able to do a damn thing about it? I hurt for him. He was good at pretending, but a mother's instinct is never wrong.”
I look at her, and I see the fierce protectiveness in her eyes.
“He was so full of grief and self-loathing, he wasn't thinking clearly. When Freddie gets older, you'll understand that as a mother there's nothing worse than seeing your baby boy on his knees and crying because the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with…is gone.”
She brushes a stray tear away from her perfectly made up eye, and for the first time since I met her, I see a human side of Lori Newbolt. She’s a mother who watched her son go through the worse time of his life, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. I suddenly see things from her perspective. If Freddie were to go through the same trauma, I would have the same reaction. If my boy hurts, I hurt too, and I get that now.
“You'll do anything to protect your kids and I understand why you stayed away. I don’t blame you, Peyton, but please see it for what it is. I know you’re still adjusting, but respect that Sam is too. He went from a grieving fiancé, to a father in such a short period of time. Give him some space. I know he’s still got feelings for you. Give him time to adjust, he’ll come around.”
Her heartfelt words cut me deep and I can think of nothing other than to run as far away from here as possible. I hold Freddie’s hand in mine and kiss his knuckles. Lori watches us intently for a few seconds.
“You’re a great mother, Peyton. I can see that. I know it must have been hard for you, bringing him up on your own for the first six months of his life, but we’re his family now too. If you need any help at all, you can come to us anytime. He’s part of us now.”
I smile warmly, and she moves closer to me, brushing my arm reassuringly.
“Take care, Peyton.”
She nods curtly at me, kisses Freddie on the top of his head, and exits the room, leaving me with Freddie. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding and take a moment to reflect on Lori’s words.
“Every time we’re near each other you act like we’re strangers. Why, Peyton?”
My thoughts are interrupted by Sam’s familiar rasp, and I flinch, startled by his presence.
“Fuck Sam, do you have to creep up on me like that?” I snap, and he holds his hands up defensively.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, angel,” he says softly as I stand up straight and look at him.
His green eyes are at their sparkling best, but his masculine beauty is marred by the presence of dark circles underneath his eyes. He strokes Freddie’s cheek.
“Hey, rock star.”
He smiles, and the corners of his eyes crinkle. He turns from Freddie to me; my skin starts to prickle at his presence. I hate and love the effect he has on me.
“Christ, you look fucking stunning.”
He tucks an errant strand of hair behind my ear, and I take in all six feet four inches of him.
“I didn’t think you would come.”
I look away from his mesmerizing green eyes.
“I wasn’t going to. It wasn’t until Ruby practically railroaded me into it. She’s still hard to say no to.”
Sam smirks and tucks his hands in his pockets.
“Yeah, she is. Jax is a lucky man.”
He smiles, revealing his trade mark dimples.
“I’m glad you did though, angel. I really mean that, it’s really good to see you.”
He steps forward, and we are interrupted by Ruby’s sing-song voice.
“Hey babe, hey Sam.”
She takes in the situation unfolding in the Newbolt’s kitchen.
“Do you want me to take Freddie?”
I nod and smile, handing Freddie to Ruby, relieved at her intervention.
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
She shakes her head.
“Of course, I don’t mind, babe. I’m his Aunty! It’s fine.”
She smiles knowingly.
“Thank you. Go to Aunty Ruby, Freddie. Mummy will see you in a little while.”
I kiss him on the end of his adorable button nose, and she breezes out with him as Freddie squeals excitedly in her arms, leaving Sam and me alone. He takes a step forward and presses me back into the worktop. He places his hands either side of me, caging me against his hard body.
“Sam, please don’t,” I whisper, and he presses his groin against my stomach.
He is so close, I can smell his familiar Sam smell: Joop, mint, and he also smells faintly of beer.
“I can’t stop thinking about last week. I want you so fucking badly right now; feel how hard my dick is for you,” he rasps.
I feel the familiar slick heat pool between my thighs, and I inwardly curse my body to hell for betraying me. He tilts my chin up to face him.
“Look at me,” he commands, and I look into his blazing green eyes. “Angel, stop fighting it, stop fighting me.”
He holds my gaze, and I take advantage of the gap he has left by moving his hand from the worktop. I go to make my escape, and he grabs my wrist, spinning me round to face him.
“Christ, stop running from me, please. I’m a fucking mess, angel,” he admits.
His raised voice sounds pained. It makes my heart ache, and I shake my head.
“I can’t do this, Sam, I can’t. I shouldn’t even be here. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, silently judging me,” I whisper, and he pulls me tightly against his chest.
“No one's judging you. Please, never think that, not for a second,” he says softly, then curses harshly.
“Fuck! Look, I know you had sex with Logan and Jack fucking Scott, ok? I tried to pretend I was ok with that, but I’m not. I’m not ok with other men having their filthy fucking hands on you when you should be with me!” he says through clenched teeth.
I can tell by the tone of his voice, and his stance, that he is furious, but he seems to be holding back.
“Maybe I want their hands on me, maybe I want their cocks buried so deep inside me it erases the fact that you were there in the first place!” I blurt out angrily and he growls, letting me loose from his grip, as if I’ve burned him.
I know I have got to him, and it came out harsher than I intended. He punches the cupboard door in a rage, shattering the glass panel, with a loud crash.
“FUCKKK!”
I make my escape through the back door and out into the garden. I stride over to Ruby, who is sitting down with Freddie in her lap, and Jax jumps up from his seat, striding into the kitchen to investigate where the loud noise came from.
“Everything alright, babe?” she enquires, and I shake my head.
“I need to leave now, Ruby. I can’t be here anymore, I just can’t,” I say shakily, trying desperately to hold back the torrent of tears that are threatening.
She nods, and I take Freddie from her, settling him on my hip.
“We’re going home, my gorgeous boy. What do you say to a night in front of the TV? You, me and Monsters Inc. yeah?”
He giggles excitedly, and I smile at his enthusiasm.
“Good boy, it’s a date.”
I tickle his belly, and he lets out another giggle.
“Are you sure you’re ok, babe? You know you can talk to me.”
Ruby’s voice is filled with concern, and I nod.
“I know, babe, but everything’s fine, honey. I promise. I’m just really tired that’s all.”
She gets up and hugs me.
“Bullshit. You know better than to lie to me, Peyton,” she whispers so only I can hear her, and I shake my head.
“Not here, not now, Rubes, please. I’ll talk to you to
morrow, I can’t face it right now.”
She nods in understanding.
“Ok, but please text me as soon as you get in. Let me know you’re both ok.”
I nod and leave through the back gate, not taking the time to say my goodbyes to everyone. I know it’s rude, but I can’t be here. Kai is sitting in his large black Land Rover 4x4. I tap the window, and he winds the window down.