by Erin Dutton
“Not this time. But it could have been.”
“But it wasn’t.”
“I couldn’t have known that when I didn’t ask for the letter. I have to grovel to him a little. It’s politics. Don’t tell me you music-industry people don’t have any of that.”
“You’re right. I’m lucky to have a solid group around me. And a good-enough reputation to say screw you and move on if I don’t like the way of things.”
Jacqueline shook her head. “It’s different for me. I’ve put in a lot of time and I’m almost there.”
“And you still want it? The big chair? Your boss’s job?”
“Sure. Why wouldn’t I?” They’d reached the end of the block, and Jacqueline stopped and faced Kendra.
“I’m just saying that it’s okay to change your mind. Maybe you want different things now than you did when you were a hot, young, twenty-something.”
Jacqueline turned away and headed down the next street, assuming Kendra would follow. “You’re not suddenly wise just because you’re getting married, you know.”
“Maybe I am.”
“That reminds me. Everything’s all set for your bridal shower next month.”
“I wish you’d stop calling it that. Are you sure you’re okay having it at Casey’s house?” Kendra swung her arms, one hand tapping Jacqueline’s in a casual touch that, if she didn’t know Kendra better, she might believe was accidental.
“Sure. It makes sense. Her house is bigger than both of ours, and this way I’ll be close if Dad needs anything.” She’d had mixed feelings when Kendra told her Casey had volunteered her house—their old house—for the party. She smothered a sarcastic comment about taking advantage of the house before Casey sold it. The locale made sense, for all the reasons she’d just given Kendra, so she’d just have to get over any weirdness.
She’d told Kendra to let Casey know she’d take care of the planning. Running with Kendra’s idea for a poker theme, she’d found a company that rented an authentic poker table and the services of a dealer. She’d even hired a company to cater a mini-buffet designed to emulate the kind found in casinos. She’d texted the details to Casey but asked that they keep everything from Kendra until that day.
When she followed Kendra around the next corner, she realized they’d be going right by Casey’s house. As they drew closer, Kendra craned her neck like she was trying to see if Casey was home. Jacqueline’s hope that they could pass without incident disappeared when she saw Casey sitting on the porch. She’d been avoiding Casey for five days. Given her work schedule, it hadn’t been too difficult. When she hadn’t accidentally run into Casey at her father’s even once, she’d wondered if Casey might also be staying away from her. Casey had responded to her texts about the party with short, to-the-point answers.
They hadn’t talked about the kiss, yet. Knowing Casey, she’d eventually want to. Jacqueline couldn’t forget about it. In fact, as time went on it seemed like she remembered parts of it that she hadn’t noticed at the time. Like Casey’s small, sexy moan when their mouths came together. Or the way Casey had grasped desperately at her waist before wedging her hands between them to break their embrace. Or how Casey’s lips tasted like peppermint and felt just a little sticky. She didn’t wear lipstick, so it must have been lip balm.
“Are you up there drinking beer while this bitch has me out sweating?” Kendra’s voice jerked her away from her memories of the kiss. Kendra had stopped at the end of the walk leading up to the house, and Jacqueline almost ran into her. Her heart was racing and she couldn’t look at Casey. She was certain her nipples were pushing out through her sports bra and T-shirt, but she didn’t dare check, with Kendra staring at her like she was an idiot.
“Absolutely.” Casey lifted her bottle. “Want one?”
“Yes, yes, yes.” As Kendra grabbed Jacqueline’s elbow and started dragging her up the walk, Casey went into the house.
Once Casey was out of sight, Jacqueline pulled her arm free. “I’ll meet you back at Dad’s house.”
“What? Come on.” Kendra reached for her again, but she backed up a step.
“I’m not done walking yet.”
Kendra gave her a look that said she knew there was more going on, then said, “Well, I’m having a beer.”
Jacqueline didn’t wait for her to get all the way up the walk before she stepped onto the sidewalk again and resumed her route. She didn’t look back when she heard Casey come back to the porch.
She picked up the pace, practically power-walking to her house. She would have to get her shit under control before the party. She hadn’t even asked if Kendra had invited Nina, but since Casey was hosting, it would be rude not to have, so she had to assume Nina would be there. Apparently, avoidance worked only until she couldn’t help being in Casey’s company. She would have to figure out some other way to distract herself during the party.
The kiss was a very vivid memory, but she had another one she could draw on that would surely remind her of why she should stay away from Casey. She’d been trying not to go back to such a place of anger, but maybe she had no choice. She called up her memory of the day she’d known her relationship with Casey was over—their last big fight. It didn’t even matter what they’d been arguing about at first. Things had escalated until they’d been screaming at each other, and then they’d heard Sean’s bedroom door slam and both realized he’d been in the hallway listening.
Casey had gotten very quiet when she said, “I’m tired of fighting.”
“I know it’s exhausting, Casey. We’re going through a rough patch and it’s hard, but we’ll get through it.” Jacqueline was relieved that Casey might be calling a truce, but she had been mistaken.
“I don’t know if we will. I think I need some time.”
“Time for what?”
“Time. Space.”
“What are you—you’re saying we’re done?” Exasperated, she threw out the most ridiculous scenario she could think of, but when she saw the devastation on Casey’s face, her chest ached and a flash of nausea hit her.
“Jacq, I’m sorry, I—”
“No. No, no.” She shook her head vigorously and backed away, but distance didn’t ease the iron fist around her stomach. “Is this about you wanting more kids? We’ll find a donor or use a sperm bank. We can have a baby of our own. That’s ours to keep.” Jacqueline moved toward her, but she pulled out of the circle of Jacqueline’s arms.
“It’s not about just any kid. It’s about them. The children in the system who need something stable, who need love—we can give them that.”
“For how long? Until someone else decides our time is up? I can’t do it. I don’t want to fall in love with another child only to have her torn away from me.”
“I know it was difficult. Letting Elle go hurt me, too. But now we know what to expect, and we just have to tell ourselves it’s for the kids. We can help each other through anything.”
“Please, Casey, I can’t.”
Casey clenched her jaw. “You can. You just won’t.”
“You’re right—I won’t.” Tears spilled unrestrained down Jacqueline’s cheeks. “Losing Elle—I won’t survive something like that again.”
By the time Jacqueline reached her father’s house, fresh tears followed the tracks of her memories. She hadn’t completely replaced the ghost of their most recent kiss, but she had succeeded in resurrecting the sick feeling that had been ever-present in her stomach after their breakup. Tendrils of anger, resentment, and pain curled around her heart, like a rogue vine of kudzu, threatening to smother every other emotion. Mission accomplished.
*
Casey returned to the porch carrying three beers, only to find Kendra standing there by herself. Jacqueline strode away from them on the sidewalk like a woman on a mission.
“She’s been acting strange lately,” Kendra said.
“Huh, maybe work stress?” Casey didn’t think Kendra picked up on the false, overly high tone of her voice.
“Maybe. I think it’s more than that. She’s handled work stuff before, though this latest snafu was a big one. But she’s been distracted and kind of—sad.”
Casey didn’t say anything, though she was dying to ask about Jacqueline’s work problem. Kendra had gone on as if she’d assumed Jacqueline had told her about it, so she must not have confided in her about their most recent issues. Casey had visited Teddy twice in the past week and even gotten him to walk to the corner and back as he’d promised. But she hadn’t seen Jacqueline at all. Avoidance was Jacqueline’s modus operandi in the face of conflict. But this time, Casey wasn’t too eager to confront their mistake either. She’d been short with Nina all week, but even through two apologies, she hadn’t confessed about the kiss. Now, it seemed like too much time had passed. The sin of omission would be nearly as great as the original transgression.
Kendra shifted to her favorite topic lately. “I’ve picked out the bridesmaid dresses, and I think you’re going to love them.”
Casey grimaced. “I wanted to talk to you about that. I’m so flattered that you asked me to stand up with you, but—would you be terribly hurt if I declined?”
“What? Are you afraid of the dresses? Because, I swear, I didn’t pick something ugly just to make me look prettier.” She feigned flipping her hair. “Frankly, I don’t need to do that. I’m going to be radiant.”
“I was thinking that maybe I could do your pictures.” Casey loved Kendra and Gavin and was thrilled to see them take the next step together. But being a bridesmaid just wasn’t her thing. She didn’t want the attention, and she certainly didn’t want to stand next to Jacqueline during a wedding. She could just imagine the looks she’d be getting from Nina, whom she’d informed that attendance was not optional. She refused to go stag to the wedding because Nina wanted to be a baby about Casey’s history with Jacqueline. They were two forty-year-old women, for God’s sake; they both had a past. Now she wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but she’d made such a big deal that she couldn’t change her mind.
“I’m not inviting you to my wedding and then making you work. You’ll be a guest.”
“Or a bridesmaid.” Which, to her, felt like work.
“You’re going to look gorgeous in this dress. Nina will thank me, I promise.”
“I don’t even think of it as work. Do you really want to spend all that money to hire the second-best wedding photographer in town when you could have me, for free?”
“When you put it that way…”
“Consider it my wedding gift. I’d really love to do this for you two.”
“Okay. You’re relieved of bridesmaid duty.”
“Thank you.” Casey faked an exaggerated sigh. Nina wouldn’t be thrilled that Casey wouldn’t be sitting next to her during the ceremony. But Casey really did want to give Kendra and Gavin some great photos to remember their day.
*
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Casey said as soon as Nina walked through the door to her office that afternoon. She looked away from the photos she’d been editing. She’d been trying to finish them before Nina came to take her to dinner.
“Well, it’s all going to have to wait, because I have the best news.” Nina curled over the back of Casey’s desk chair and wrapped her arms around her neck. She kissed Casey’s cheek, and then Casey turned to meet her lips. “No distracting me. I got a call from our realtor today. And she found the perfect house for us.”
“Perfect?” Casey turned back to her computer screen, clicking to the next photo.
“This place is amazing. Four bedrooms, two-and-a-half baths, a huge kitchen.”
“Sounds big.” They’d disagreed from the beginning on exactly what they were looking for. Every listing Nina brought her seemed larger than the last. When Casey questioned whether they should spend that much money, Nina assured her that she could afford it. But Casey didn’t want to be a kept woman.
“It is. It’s so spacious. And the realtor says it’s going to go quick, so we need to look at it tomorrow morning or we could miss it.” Nina grabbed the back of Casey’s chair and spun her around to face her.
“I can’t tomorrow. I have a shoot scheduled.” She unlocked her phone and flipped through her schedule for the next couple of days. “What about Sunday? I’m free all day.”
“Can’t you just change it?”
“No. It’s all set up.”
“What’s the big deal? You call the client and tell them you had an emergency, push the appointment back, and come with me to look at this house.” Nina’s voice took on a whiny edge that annoyed Casey.
“It’s an engagement session, and they’re waiting on the photos to make the official announcement. I’m not going to flake out on them at the last minute.”
Nina huffed and practically stomped across the room. “If I’m not taking a backseat to Jacqueline’s family, it’s your job.”
“That’s not fair.”
“You’re right. It’s not fair to me.”
“You know how much of my business depends on word of mouth. If one client isn’t happy with me it can cost me future business. You can’t seriously think it’s okay for me to call them tonight and cancel their session in the morning.”
“What’s really going on, Casey? You’re barely able to make time to look at houses—”
“I can’t always change my schedule to accommodate you—”
“Why not? You’ve managed to change it more times than I can count this past month in order to accommodate Jacqueline and Teddy. And when you do agree to look at listings with me, you find something wrong with every one. Do you even want to move in with me?” Nina planted her hands on her hips, her eyes flashing with anger.
Casey stared at her, her brain screaming at her to answer, but she couldn’t force out the words she knew Nina wanted to hear. She couldn’t summon the energy to argue. She’d spent the last several hours staring at a computer screen and had been looking forward to a nice, relaxing dinner. The guilt chewing up her stomach urged her to placate Nina—that maybe she owed her that. But the realization that remorse might be her only motivator stopped the words from coming. “Can we not do this now? I’m exhausted.”
“Yes, because every minute that you’re not working, you’re taking care of Teddy. He’s not even your father.”
“Wow.”
“Oh, don’t be so sensitive. You know what I mean.”
“He’s still my family.” As Nina came back across the room, Casey surged out of her chair and maintained some distance between them.
“No. He’s Sean’s family. Sean is a grown man.”
“I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Here we go again. Because I haven’t raised a child, I can’t understand your family dynamic. Maybe the problem is not that I don’t understand, but that I do—a little too well.”
“What does that mean?”
“Teddy is also Jacqueline’s family. And as long as he’s in your life, you’re still connected to her.”
“That’s what you think?” She tried to shove aside the little voice calling her a hypocrite. Jacqueline had kissed her. She’d stopped it. She hadn’t betrayed her relationship with Nina—exactly.
“Yes. And more than that, I think you want it that way.”
Casey drew in a deep breath, fighting her instinctive biting response to Nina’s statement. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I said I don’t want to do this now. If you want to talk about this again later—”
“No. I don’t think I do.” Nina’s voice was flat and Casey looked up at her, surprised that she might let this argument go so easily.
“Good. Because it’s silly to think that—”
“You don’t understand. I don’t want to talk about this, or anything else, aga
in.”
“What?” Casey let her irritation lace her voice.
“God, I can’t believe this. I’ve just wasted a year and a half on someone who was never planning to commit.”
The impact of her words flipped a switch in Casey, injecting her fatigue with anger instead. “Is this where you manipulate me into begging you to stay with me? Because if that’s your plan, you’re going to be disappointed in where this goes.” She was being a bitch—she knew that. But she couldn’t find the compassion she knew Nina wanted.
“We’re supposed to be moving in together. Is it so wrong that I want to know that you would choose me over them?” Her expression of shock confirmed that she’d expected Casey to protest when she issued her threat. But, like Casey, she seemed unable to back down now.
“It’s wrong that you would ask me to choose you over my son.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I think it was. You’ve never wanted to share me with my family.”
“Teddy is not—”
“Please, do not say that again.”
“I want to be in a relationship where I come first for the person I’m with.”
“Sean will always come first. I’ve never made a secret of that.” Ironically, she knew how Nina felt. She knew how crushing it was to hand your heart to someone who could never make you their first priority.
“And I could deal with that. But now I’m taking a backseat to Teddy. And Jacqueline—for God’s sake, Teddy is a grown-up. Why do you have to report in to Jacqueline every night?”
“I haven’t—”
“I think you still have feelings for her.”
Casey laughed harshly. The only feelings she’d had for Jacqueline lately were frustration and anger. Even as she thought it, she knew it was a lie. But she owed Nina a bigger truth, anyway. “We were together for thirteen years. I will always care about her.” She took Nina’s hands in hers, searching for the emotions she thought she’d been certain of before this argument. “But I’m in love with you.”