by Kaylee, Katy
Eventually, we arrived at his grandmother’s house, but he didn’t go in. Instead, he walked around the side to the back toward the river. About halfway through the wooded backyard, he started stripping his clothes. First his shirt, revealing a broad sculpted back that tapered down to a lean waist. Next, he kicked off his shoes and socks, then his jeans. Finally, near the water, his briefs came off.
He was a man struggling with inner demons, but I couldn’t stop all the carnal images playing in my brain. He was so sexy, with hard chiseled muscles and a perfect ass. Just looking at him made all my girly parts come alive with wanton desire.
He dove into the water without a glance back, making me wonder if he forgot I was there. When he didn’t come up right away, I had a niggle of worry about his intentions.
“Shit.” I started to pull out my phone to call 911 before heading into the water, but then he surfaced, rolled onto his back and floated. Deciding he was okay, I put my phone away. I picked up his clothes, folding them and setting them on a rock near the water’s edge. Then I found a spot to sit and wait.
Eventually, he swam to shore, and started to walk out of the water like James Bond, except Rafe didn’t have on swimming briefs. He was gloriously naked. Even when it wasn’t at full staff, his dick was sizable.
He saw me and smirked. “Enjoying the view?”
I had been, but his tone wasn’t playful. It had an edge of anger or maybe he was hiding his embarrassment at being vulnerable. His face had an expression as if he was daring me to respond. Not wanting to be pulled into his game, I focused on his face as he approached me.
I knew I needed to choose my words wisely. He wouldn’t like me asking if he was okay. And he probably wouldn’t like me asking if diving into the river was one of his coping mechanisms. If I had to guess, I would have said working out was his method because I was certain there wasn’t a single ounce of fat on him.
“Can I get you something?” I finally asked.
He shrugged as he stopped in front of me still naked and dripping with water. It might have been sexy if a dark intensity wasn’t radiating off of him. Actually, it was still sexy.
“Do you want me to go?” I asked.
He smirked. “Last time we were here, I took your virginity, remember that Summer?”
“I remember.” I was proud that my voice stayed cool and professional.
His eyes flashed with annoyance, a clear sign he didn’t like that I wasn’t taking the bait. He grabbed his clothes and headed to the house. I followed him inside, wishing he’d cover up. At least his briefs. And maybe his shirt.
Inside he got a glass and filled it with water, drinking it down. He took a few deep breaths, and I could see the tension begin to drop. “I’ve got some food if you want dinner.”
His comment surprised me, and a part of me wished I could stay. I even wondered if he planned to cook and serve me while naked. But I shook my head. “I need to pick up Emma.”
His head whipped around to mine. “That’s right, you’re a mom.”
And you’re a dad. I had felt guilty for not saying anything in my office, except that discussion seemed like it would be better in a more personal setting. But after what I just witnessed, I felt like I needed to assess him more before exposing him to Emma. People with PTSD weren’t automatically violent. In fact, most weren’t and instead withdrew into themselves, as Rafe had at the restaurant. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t be violent or volatile. I needed to know before telling him about Emma. He had a right to know, for sure, but my job was to protect Emma. That came first.
“I am.”
He scoffed. “You got your happy, sunny, little life.”
Rage rose up in me. I couldn’t keep my voice from sounding terse. “Don’t you ever dismiss my life.” I turned to leave.
“I gave you that life.” He roared at me.
I stopped, turning to him, not sure what he meant. Did he mean Emma? Did he know? Or did he mean when he left and told me to move on? Or that being a soldier, he gave all of us the ability to have safe lives? Either way, he was right.
“Thank you.” Then I turned again to leave.
“Thank you for your service…is that all I get?” he asked derisively.
With my hand on the door, I said, “What do you want, Rafe?”
“Fuck.” The word came out like he was exasperated. When he didn’t say more, I opened the door. “Summer.”
I stopped again and looked over my shoulder.
“Was he good to you? Your kid’s father?”
I nodded. “Yes, he was.” Guilt and sadness flooded my senses as I realized what he’d meant before by giving me my life. He’d walked away from me when he hadn’t wanted to. But now we had to live with those choices. I walked out the door and back to town. I wanted to talk to my brother, but instead, I got in my car and picked up Emma. She was my life now.
“Mommy?” Emma asked after we’d eaten dinner. “Can we do finger paints?”
Inside I cringed. I didn’t want to deal with such a mess. I read a ton of books on how to be a good mom, and one had talked about the importance of tactile play. So, we had finger paints, a sand tray, a water table on the back porch, and the easiest to clean of them all, play dough that Emma I made from scratch. “How about playdough?”
She thought for a moment. “Okay.”
Once I cleared the table, I set up space for her and pulled out the containers of dough.
“Will you play with me, mommy?”
“Absolutely.” I sat next to her and pulled out a glob of green dough, rolling and squishing it in my hands. I had to admit, there was something cathartic about it.
Emma rolled out little balls, lining them up in front of her. Then she started rolling out longer strips that looked like snakes. She began assembling them into what looked like stick people.
“What are you making, Em?”
“This is a family. Here’s the mommy.” She pointed to one of the people. “And here’s the baby.”
“What’s this one?” I pointed to a third person.
“That’s the daddy.” She looked up at me. “Chloe has a daddy, but I don’t.”
I tried to smile, but inside I was dying a little bit. It wasn’t the first time she’d said something about not having a daddy. Each time, I was able to gloss around it, which I’m sure child experts would frown on. I didn’t want to lie, and yet, I couldn’t tell the truth. No one in Hope knew about me and Rafe’s summer fling, much less that he was Emma’s father. And as much as I wanted to tell her, I couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t tell others.
“You do have a daddy, he just isn’t here.”
“Doesn’t he like me?” Her little brows pulled together. She was killing me.
“Oh, honey.” I took her little hands in mine and made sure I had her attention. “Your daddy being gone isn’t because of you.”
“Then how come?”
I sighed. “It’s just how it turned out. I know he’d love you to bits just like I do though.” The Rafe I saw today didn’t seem particularly paternal, but he was dealing with a lot of emotional baggage. I had to believe that part of the sweet caring man I’d known before was still there, and he’d love his child. But I couldn’t test that theory. Not yet anyway.
“Can Uncle Gavin be my daddy?”
I laughed. “No. He’s going to be someone else’s daddy when Aunt Lainey has her baby. But he can be an uncle and uncles sometimes do what daddy’s do.”
“He doesn’t kiss you and sleep in your bed.”
I snorted. Kids had an interesting view of the world. “Well no, but he and your Paw Paw take you to the park sometimes. And play with you.”
She considered this and nodded. She then went back to her play dough. I smiled as I watched her. Being her mother might not be exciting. My life might be simple. And goodness knew that it wasn’t perfect. But it was good. The only thing missing was Rafe. But until I knew his plans and his mental health, all I could be was grateful that he gav
e me the most precious gift in Emma.
4
Rafe
In retrospect, walking around buck naked in front of Summer may not have been the best idea. Or being an asshole to her, for that matter.
In my defense, I was so focused on pulling my shit back together, I hardly noticed she was there. Well, that wasn’t quite true. I knew she was there, and there was a weird comfort to it. Like even though I felt like I was on the edge of losing myself, she would be there to catch me if I did.
To her credit, she didn’t yammer at me about my feelings. She just followed me home, and let me do my thing, which in this case, was to take a naked dive into cold water to snap me out of it. While some vets took drugs or drank. I exercised or plunged into cold water to help me deal with the overwhelming anxiety that would hit for seemingly no reason. A sound. A jet plane or helicopter. An aggressive voice. Asshole fuckheads like Lester Smalls.
Mixed with the comfort Summer’s presence had offered, I felt like a weakling. In my mind, I knew this wasn’t true. I knew my situation was the same for vets throughout history. But in my heart, in my gut, I felt like I should be stronger than that. I was a Marine for fuck’s sake.
Because I couldn’t deal with having her see me like that, I lashed out, first with sexually verbal aggression. I scraped my hand over my face as I realized I’d done that in her office too when I caged her in her chair. I really was an asshole.
Later, when she couldn’t stay because of her kid, jealousy had me lashing out again. Someone had taken what should have been mine. Yes, I gave her up and told her to move on, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt that someone else got to have what I could have had if I’d made a different choice. And now it was too late because even though that guy was gone, I still wasn’t good enough for someone as sweet and pure as Summer.
I took a shower and got dressed, then made myself a sandwich for dinner, and contemplated getting in my car, the first I had owned since joining the Marines, and driving west until the road ended. I supposed that would be California.
A knock on the door broke me of my pity party. For a moment, I’d wondered if it was Summer, but then I remembered she had a kid. She had more important things to worry about than me.
“It’s Gavin.” The door opened and Gavin’s head popped in. “You decent?”
For a minute, I wondered if he knew about my naked plunge in front of his sister. “I am now.”
“Take a skinny dip?” Gavin knew of my methods for dealing with my crazy emotions.
“First thing.”
He quirked a brow. “Did Summer see that?” He sat in one of the old chairs that needed reupholstering.
“In all my glory.” I raised my soda can to him in salute.
“Jesus, Rafe.” He shook his head. “Well, at least it wasn’t the other way around. I’d have to beat the shit out of you if you saw her in all her glory.”
Inside, I laughed. God, if he only knew. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Gavin’s face turned serious. “You’re alright though?”
“Yeah.” I stared at him for a moment. “You didn’t tell me Summer was at the VA. Or that she had a kid.”
Gavin sat back, and it occurred to me that if I was a good host, I’d offer him a soda. I was about to, when he replied, “I didn’t? I guess that’s because most of our talking has been about you.”
Now I felt guilty. I wasn’t just an asshole, I was a selfish, self-centered asshole.
“I wasn’t sure you’d see her. It wouldn’t be right for her to be your counselor since you two are friends. At least she wasn’t allowed to see me because I’m her brother. I assumed you wouldn’t run into her.”
I decided not to tell him how I’d bullied her into being my counselor. “And the kid? Who’s the father?” I hoped he’d left town because I might have to beat him up otherwise.
Gavin shrugged. “She never said. I got the impression she met him in Richmond when she was in school.”
“So, he’s not around?” I wondered for a minute if she was pregnant already that summer. She’d said we didn’t have to worry about pregnancy when I was fucking her. But then I remembered she’d been a virgin, and I was pretty sure that was true because she was gloriously tight that first time. I guessed that meant she’d been ready to sow her oats, so to speak, after I left.
Gavin shook his head. “He was military, apparently. Got shipped off. I’m not sure he even knows. I don’t have all the details since I wasn’t quite myself then. But Emma…ah, Emma…I hope my kid is as great as she is.”
For a moment, I had a thought that she might have been referring to me when she told Gavin about her baby daddy. Clearly, she hadn’t mentioned our time together five years ago, because he would have beaten the shit out of me, and wouldn’t be helping me acclimate home. But I immediately rejected that idea. Summer was the kind of woman that would have told me.
“Well, with Lainey as a mother, she has a fighting chance.”
Gavin grinned. “Giving me grief, Rafe?”
“That’s what buddies do.” It was nice to sit with him. Almost like when we were boys before we learned about how destructive the world could be. “Wanna go fishing?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
* * *
There were moments when I felt normal. Sitting on the riverbank fishing with Gavin, I had a glimpse of normalcy. In Gavin, I saw a man who was broken by war but was saying ‘fuck you’ to his demons and living a happy life. He swore it was due to a loving wife and family, daily AA meetings, and weekly groups at the VA, although not the one Summer runs.
I still couldn’t see how talking could do anything but hash up the all the horror I was trying to escape, but my current plan wasn’t working, so I figured I should give it try. Maybe then my home town, even my own home, wouldn’t feel so foreign to me. Perhaps I could find peace and build a family like Gavin had.
Summer’s gold eyes and gorgeous smile flashed in my brain. But I wouldn’t let myself believe that any family I could have would be with her, even though my soul yearned for it.
That evening I went to bed tired, but for once not completely emotionally strung out, which was something considering I’d had an anxiety episode. My bedroom was the only thing different in the house from when I grew up. Being a grown man, I decided it was time for a bed larger than a twin. The king size bed took up most of the room, but I had space for a small bedside table and dresser. What more was needed in a bedroom?
Once in bed, I opened the bedside table drawer and pulled out the picture Summer gave me five years ago. At the time, I’d been a little annoyed because it was another act that suggested she’d want more beyond the six weeks I could give her. Now I knew she meant it for what it was; a talisman to remember the good when things were bad.
In the photo, her blonde waves were full and free around her face, her hazel eyes sparkled with gold, and her pink lips held a sexy smile. I carried that photo on me through the dust and heat of Iraq. A part of me wondered what people at home would think if I died and the photo was found on me. But it was like a lifeline to sanity, so it stayed with me, always.
And now I’d be seeing her for counseling. In some ways, it would be weird to share the terror that existed in my head, and at the same, it felt natural. She was the only person I seemed to feel safe around to share what was rattling around up there. The only problem would be to keep my libido in check when I met with her.
My dick jerked and started to thicken at the thought. I pushed the covers back and stroked a hand up and then down my cock. He thickened even more. There was a time I thought he was broken too, but as I conjured images of Summer in my brain, he came to life. I closed my eyes and thought back to that first time on the riverbank when she let me be the first to experience her hot, tight pussy. She might have had another man since then, but I’d been there first.
I used the precum on my tip to lubricate my dick as I massaged him, slowly, but firmly. I remembered the first moment I p
assed through her barrier, and my brain nearly exploded in intense pleasure. My hips bucked up, and my hand stroked faster. I remembered wanting to be sure she came but unsure she would the first time. But then she did and nearly squeezed my dick off.
“Fuck…so good.” I squeezed and then focused my efforts on the sensitive rim of my cock. When I’d come back then, I filled that sweet pussy so full, it was dripping out of her. “Yes…” My hand resumed jerking the entire shaft. It was hard and red and ready to come.
I slid my other hand down my body and cupped my balls, gently massaging them. Then picking up the pace, I stroked my cock, harder, faster. In my mind, Summer put those cupid-bow lips around my tip and holy fuck…I shot my load all over my chest and stomach.
As I lay drenched in sweat and my cum, I realized that while I might not be good enough for Summer, she was good enough for me. The question was, could I be the man I was before and walk away, or was I a selfish bastard, who would take what he needed from her?
5
Summer
My job could be mentally draining, and while raising a child as a single mom was hard, it also helped offset some of the heartaches I had to deal with at work. At four years old, Emma was a delight with her inquisitive and curious nature, sweet disposition, and completely open heart. She could also be a little bossy, but the child development books said that was normal.
So, after a morning discussing with Emma about where we might be able to visit in the world to find a real Unicorn, I headed off to work, ready to face the day, and hopefully Rafe. After yesterday, I wasn’t sure he’d come to the group or his session.
The usual response people had to emotional and psychological trauma was avoidance, which made sense. Asking traumatized people to talk about their issues was asking them to re-experience the trauma, pain, fear, and grief all over again. But it was through facing and overcoming the demons that these vets could pursue a somewhat normal life.