My mom’s hands shot to her mouth as my aunt launched to her feet. Two pairs of eyes stretched and filled.
“Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t realize you were there.”
“I might have it?” I repeated, a strange calm descending over me.
Bree reached out and took my hand. I watched without feeling as she wrapped both of hers around it. “Your mom has a type of Alzheimer’s known as familial, Liss. It’s caused by a specific genetic mutation that’s passed down through families. We assume it was our dad, because your grandma never suffered with it before she died, but our dad died young enough that he exhibited no symptoms.”
I stood, watching her lips move.
“It’s what’s known as an autosomal dominant pattern, Liss. Which means,” she broke off, her features crumpling under the strain of trying to hold everything together and deliver life-shattering news without falling to pieces. She cleared her throat, pressing her fingers to the tender skin, presumably to coax the words out. “It means that there’s a fifty-percent chance that you or Bella could have inherited it.”
Fifty-percent chance. One in two. A flip of a coin. That’s what it amounted to. I felt strangely disconnected from the entire scenario, an altogether different bubble closing around me. I couldn’t run, but I couldn’t seem to process this, either.
“There’s a test, Liss. You can undergo genetic testing to see if you have it. If you… if you wanted to. If you didn’t want to live with that kind of uncertainty. But—” Bree wrung her hands together in front of her stomach, flicking a look back at my mom, who remained silent, a flow of tears trailing down her cheeks.
“Right,” I murmured, my gaze slightly unfocused.
“It’s not something you need to think about right now. Or anytime soon. Or ever. If you don’t want to. I’m just… letting you know your options. There’s more to it, a lot more, and it’s something we can look into in much greater detail, whenever you’re ready. You can get counselling. You won’t have to deal with this alone. We’re all here. Whenever you’re ready.”
She was rambling, and I didn’t blame her, but I shut my eyes anyway, needing to block it out. The phone in my jacket pocket buzzed with a notification. I reached for it without thinking and held it out in front of my face.
Regret hit with a brutality I could barely withstand.
Leon.
I turned my back and walked away from my mom and Bree, their soft protests barely registering as I clomped heavily up the stairs, my legs thousand-pound weights attached to my hips.
I couldn’t remember ever wishing for moments of my life back or pleading for a do-over. Never once had I bothered to waste my time or energy. I wasn’t fanciful or deluded.
But if I could just go back ten, fifteen minutes, I’d shout those words at the top of my lungs so everyone within a ten-mile radius could hear, so he could hear them, just fucking once. And I’d tell him I felt them with every fibre of my fucking being.
Because now he’d never know. He’d never know that I loved him more than I ever loved anyone or anything in my life. No fucking way would I ever tell him.
Adrift in an unforgiving sea with an ocean of uncertainty spread out before me. What kind of life was that to offer someone?
The morning after I finally relented and decided to offer up my future to someone, it turned out I might not even fucking have one to give. I could almost have laughed if I thought the outburst wouldn’t push me over the edge; strip away whatever tiny fragment of my sanity I was still clutching onto and send me spiralling into an abyss I might never climb out of.
I couldn’t let Leon love me.
I wouldn’t let him love me.
And the only way I knew how to accomplish that was to make him hate me instead.
I’d seen it done.
I’d watched my love for my father turn to hate. And I knew exactly how to do it.
***
My hands shook as I closed the car door and pressed the remote lock, a cloying sickness churning in my gut. The hem of the short black dress skimmed the tops of my thighs, clinging to every inch of skin from my breasts to my ass.
Black boots, thick black kohl liner, black lips.
Black. To match the color of my heart.
“Jackson Bateman,” I muttered as I approached Danny’s front door where Jackson stood alone, smoking a joint. His brows rose at the sight of me as he took a long pull from the joint perched between his thumb and finger. “Always in the right place at the right time,” I said, emotionless.
He narrowed his eyes, tracking them down my body slowly before blowing a stream of smoke out the side of his mouth.
I reached out and plucked the joint from his fingers, putting it between my lips and inhaling. I pushed my head back and closed my eyes, holding it in.
“Your guard dog’s inside,” Jackson said, watching me.
My heart cracked, lungs expelling a cloud of dark fumes. Just thinking about Leon—about what I was going to do—was enough to break me. But I was doing this for him.
Even if he’d never thank me for it.
Even if I’d never forgive myself for it.
“Leon’s not my anything.”
He took the blunt from my hand, tilting his head. “That right?”
I shrugged, glancing over my shoulder. “I don’t want to talk about Leon.”
Interest burned in his eyes. “No?”
I shook my head slowly. “Don’t want to talk at all, actually.”
Guys could be so fucking clueless about so many goddamn things, but they never missed a beat when a girl was offering sex.
He swallowed. “You trying to get my ass kicked again, Liss?”
“No.” I met his eyes. “I’m trying to fuck you.”
Sex wins. Every time.
Less than ten seconds later, I entered the house through the front door, knowing everyone would be out back. The staircase leading to the bedrooms was directly opposite, so I walked up ahead of Jackson, fully aware of his eyes on my exposed skin as we paced down the hallway and through one of the bedroom doorways.
Tears formed behind my lids as I stripped his jacket and started kissing him. I closed them tight, trying not to feel fucking anything. But when he grabbed the neckline of my dress and tugged it down my body in one fell swoop, leaving me standing in nothing but black lace, I couldn’t bite back the sob that threatened to rise.
I hated doing this with him. I hated his hands on me. I hated it with every fucking part of me.
My soul wailed, my heart bled; a poisonous substance that leaked into the surrounding cavity and polluted my insides.
My phone buzzed in my discarded pocket as Jackson squeezed my breasts over my bra and sucked on my neck. I bent, reaching for it, my heart beating so hard it hurt.
My fingers tensed around the phone when the notification came through, and I held it aloft behind Jackson’s head, scanning the message.
Leon: You on your way? Fucking miss you, Snow Queen.
Jackson’s head moved lower, his lips on the swell of my breast. I drew in a breath. One long breath of air, then I hit reply and typed, upstairs.
The status of the message changed to seen, and I let the phone fall to the floor.
And then, I just wasn’t here anymore. I was a spectator, hovering above the scene, watching myself push Jackson to the mattress before climbing on top of him, his erection straining his jeans.
I counted every second, until I heard Leon’s footsteps, and then I counted those.
One… Two… Three… Each one a solid blow against my heart. Each heavy step pounding in sync with the thudding pain in my temple.
Four… Five…
Bile rose, and I slammed back into myself with a gasp, stilling with my hands flat against Jackson’s chest as I tried to fucking breath. But there was no fucking air in here. None.
I can’t do this.
The thought entered, and I jerked back quickly, trying to undo it all before it happened. But I was too late. The door
creaked open and a harsh cut of light framed the bed… and the two people dry humping on top of it.
Time suspended as Jackson lurched upward. His hands gripped my hips and his eyes bulged out of his head, face draining of color as he looked over my shoulder.
I couldn’t look behind me. I couldn’t.
I didn’t need to see it. I could fucking feel his pain from here, because it was an extension of mine. Because I fucking loved him. And because the worst kind of pain could only be inflicted by the people you loved most.
It all happened so fast. I didn’t have time to react. One minute Jackson was under me; the next he was halfway across the room, on his back, Leon’s arm a blur as it swung again, and again, and again.
Tumbling from the bed, I landed hard on my elbow and hip, and then I looked up. My eyes blew open at the same time as my mouth did.
“Leon!” I screamed, scrambling toward them as Leon used the tight grip he had on Jackson’s hair to slam the back of his head into the hardwood. Once, twice…
I shouted again when Leon drew his arm back and smashed it into Jackson’s nose. Blood sprayed up, splattering over Leon’s shirt and face.
Horror engulfed me, and I stumbled to my feet and out the door, running to the top of the stairs. My voice bordered on hysterical as I shrieked for help. Bodies appeared at the foot of the stairs, but Reno got to me first, quickly followed by Riley. I struggled to form words when they both crouched in front of me on the top step.
Ren grabbed either side of my head, and I blinked. “Hey, hey, look at me, Liss. What the fuck’s going on? Did someone hurt you?” His face hardened, head craning to look around me.
I shook my head and met his eyes. “He’s going to kill him, Ren.”
Reno frowned, then looked down the hall. He let go of me, and he fucking ran.
I got up in slow motion, walking toward the room in nothing but my underwear as more bodies climbed the stairs, and crowded behind me. I watched as Ren tackled Leon from behind, shackling his arms behind his back and heaving until they both went hurtling to the ground.
Leon thrashed, crazed, his body striving to get back to Jackson. I let my eyes trail over to Jackson. I wheezed, my lungs burning. His face was a mess of matted blood, and he wasn’t moving. He wasn’t fucking moving.
“Calm down, Le. Fucking take it easy.” Ren spoke directly into Leon’s ear, his arms tight around his best friend.
“What the fuck?” Danny came up behind me as Leon sagged back, his head drooping to his chest.
Danny pushed into the room and sank to his knees in front of Jackson. Leon’s gaze snapped to him, his jaw pulsing as he stared down. Then he slowly slid it over to me.
Disgust warred with agony, rippling through his beautiful blue eyes as they travelled over my nearly naked form, and then he twisted away, clearly unable to stand the sight of me.
Lashes of untamed agony hit me all at once.
Riley pressed into my side, taking my hand, and linking her fingers through mine. I clutched onto them, knowing I had no right to her comfort but needing it, anyway.
“Come on, dude. That’s it. There you go,” Danny muttered, voice filled with relief as Jackson coughed and groaned, rolling to his side, his battered face scrunched up.
What the fuck have I done?
Repulsion snaked down my spine, a living, breathing entity that had me shaking. How the fuck hadn’t I anticipated this? I’d used him. Set one guy up as bait to emotionally annihilate another.
What the fuck had I done?
“Get the fuck out!” Ren boomed, his deep voice enraged and his dark eyes glaring at every single person behind me as they peered in through the doorway.
I was dimly aware of Riley letting go of my hand to run into the room and grab a sheet from the bed. She draped it around my trembling body, but I couldn’t stop shaking, my teeth clacking together forcefully when she stood in front of me and closed the fabric tight across my chest. She stared into my eyes; hers brimming with unspent tears and unspoken questions, and I felt the weight of my actions like an anchor strapped to my ankle, yanking me down.
Jason appeared and started herding everyone down the stairs.
Leon pushed out of Ren’s hold and got to his feet.
My eyes fell to the ground, to the black paint coating my toenails.
I saw out of the corner of my eye as Jackson dragged his body into a seated position, resting against the wall with a groan, eyes closed. Riley moved to my side again, her hand squeezing mine.
“Was this your plan all along, Alissa?” Leon’s quiet voice seethed, and my head came up with a deep frown. “You hated me that fucking much?”
The room blurred; my pulse frantic under my skin as my head shook. “No,” I denied. “I—”
A loud snort interrupted my words, and I shook my head harder, my heart breaking as everything inside of me screamed in anguish at the sight of tears sparkling in Leon’s eyes. It shattered me into a million shards of stone cold, fucking ice.
“I’m a fucking idiot.” He gave his head a shake, pushing a hand through his hair.
“I—I’m sorry,” I gasped on a strangled breath.
His eyes slammed right into mine. Hard. Unforgiving. “No. I am.” He inhaled through flared nostrils. “Sorry I made it so easy for you to break my fucking heart.”
I flinched, and Riley’s fingers tightened around mine. I gripped with every ounce of strength I possessed, clinging for dear life, because she was the only thing keeping me standing.
Leon stalked past me and out the door. It rattled on its hinges with the force of the slam, the pictures on the walls shaking, and my eyes drifted closed.
“We need to get him to the hospital to get checked out,” Danny said quietly.
I nodded silently, breathing in a bid to contain the pain slowing filling me inside.
But it was stupid to even try. I couldn’t keep it out. I couldn’t keep Leon out.
And now the pain of loving him was going to bury me.
THIRTY-ONE
LISS
“What happened back there, babe?”
I frowned down at my entwined hands as Riley’s question filled the car. The lights from an approaching ambulance flared red and blue across my thighs, and I glanced up at Riley’s face, her expression radiating confusion and sadness.
“Why did you…?” Her words trailed off; her green eyes confounded as she blew out a breath of air.
I didn’t answer at first, diverting my gaze out the window, taking in the red emergency sign stretched across the width of the brick building we’d just vacated. Jackson’s face was pretty busted up, and he needed a couple of butterfly stitches to close a cut above his left eye. I’d managed to steal a second alone with him to apologize. To try to explain. He’d just nodded and looked away.
I pressed my fingernails into my thighs until the pain became too intense to bear, and then I looked back over at Riley.
“Liss,” she soothed, her brow pinched tight as she reached out and took my hand from my thigh. “What’s going on? Please talk to me. I know you. And I know how you felt about Leon. I know you didn’t do that without a good reason.”
I exhaled, my body folding with a bone-deep weariness I couldn’t hold in check any longer.
“My mom was diagnosed with young onset Alzheimer’s disease a couple of years ago,” I said with a weary sigh.
“What?” Riley breathed, eyes immediately welling as her head shook.
“I didn’t find out about it until New Year’s. She’s probably only got a few good years left before I lose her.”
Her hand tightened around mine.
“They think she got it from her dad. I never met him; he died before I was born. But I found out this morning that I might have inherited it from her. A family tradition.” I shrugged, blinking as I trained my gaze out the front windshield. I was sure I appeared calm on the outside, but my heart clenched, eyes squeezing closed as fear choked me and sped through every cell in my body. “She
’s forgotten so much already… little things that shouldn’t matter, but every single thing matters, because it’s all part of her. All part of what makes her who she is, and it’s all slipping away.” My throat tightened, a sensation like fingers wrapping around my neck and squeezing. Moisture pooled in my eyes as I continued, my voice barely carrying, “It’s only a matter of time before she forgets me. One of these days, she’ll look up and she won’t recognize me. She’ll look in the mirror, and she won’t know the person staring back at her. She’ll be here, but she won’t be. An empty shell. And one day…” I broke off on a quiet sob. “One day that might be me, too.”
“Liss—” Riley’s tear-soaked voice barely formed my name as her hands encased mine and held on tight. “I don’t—” She tried again, stopping when her voice cracked.
Everything around me distorted, my head spinning as nausea climbed up my throat. It felt like the inside of the car grew smaller. I pulled my hand from Riley’s and swiped it over my face. It was too much. It was all just too much.
When it came to an end, my life could be narrowed down to a series of losses. People who left me, people who were stolen from me, and people I had to push away. And I should have been fucking prepared for it. I would have been prepared for if people hadn’t fucking forced their way inside my heart.
I could almost resent them; Leon, my mom, my sister, Riley, everyone I’d ever loved, for making me fucking feel.
Because now I was going to lose them all. And it was going to fucking destroy me.
Riley took my hand again, and this time, I closed mine around it. Gathering moisture coated my lashes, and I knew the dam was seconds from rupturing.
“I’m so sorry, Liss.” Pain leached from Ri’s voice as a single tear tracked over her cheek.
Love brought about hurt in so many different ways. Not all of them came from a bad place. I saw that now. When you loved someone, when you truly loved them—a family member, a friend, a lover—you felt every morsel of their pain as if it were your own. And I couldn’t bring myself to resent that. Feeling pain because I loved someone, because they loved me, that was the kind of love I hadn’t realized existed.
Unthinkable: (Unstoppable - Book 2) (The Unstoppable Series) Page 22