by LJ Amodeo
I leaned in closer to the door when the floorboards squeaked beneath my feet. Freddie cut his conversation short. I heard the click of his phone through the closed door.
“Shit!” I muttered. Immediately, knocking on his door, trying to cover up Freddie’s suspicion of my intrusion.
“Hey, Freddie? Can I come in?” I opened the door slightly.
“Beth? Ah, yeah. Come in.” He said, puzzled but evidently soured.
When I entered his room, Freddie was sitting on his bed, leaning up against the headboard . His cell phone still clasped in his hand. With the faint light of the moon peering through his window, he looked perturbed. The moon cast its light against the outline of his fuzzy jaw line and full lips. He changed. He matured. I sat beside him.
“Do you mind?” I asked him as I shoved off my sneakers and leaned beside him against the headboard. He nodded as I placed his arm over my shoulder. I wiggled into his chest.
“How did you . . . I mean what are you doing here?” He asked reluctantly.
“Freddie? We’re best friends, right?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“Then tell me what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” His patience seemed exhausted.
“With you. You’re different with me.”
“No I’m not, Beth. Nothing’s going on. Really!” Freddie snorted, staring down at his cell.
“Why can’t you just be honest with me?” I pleaded.
“I am honest with you, Beth. I’ve been the only one in your life who has been nothing but honest!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. Why?”
My emotions began to roller coaster in my head. I wanted so badly to believe that Freddie was truthful, but a constant twinge in my stomach, insisted I press the issue.
“Do you remember when we watched the program about near death experiences?” I said, moving my position and tucking my legs beneath me.
“Not this shit again, Beth! I’m not––” He folded his arms across his chest.
“Just hear me out. While I was in surgery, you know, when the doctors stopped my heart––I died, right?” I asked searching his face for affirmation.
“Yes, but …”
“I think I met an angel.” I interrupted as Freddie stirred uncomfortably on the bed. His lips parted, but again, I interrupted him putting my finger to his lips.
“Don’t say anything. Just listen. You always told me to have faith, right?” Freddie nodded quietly.
“Truthfully, when I got sick, I doubted my faith and God. I read it in my journal––on the pages that weren’t torn out, at least. Perhaps, an angel was sent to help me. . .you know. . .find my way back. I know there is something more than science and medicine that saved me that day. I was given a twenty percent survival rate, Freddie. Doesn’t that tell you something?”
Freddie did not stir. He stared blankly at the wall ahead. I waited patiently for him to respond.
“You can say something now.” I said looking for truth in his eyes. He still did not respond.
“Look, if I did something wrong today, if it bothers you that I talk to people––” Freddie’s eyes narrowed in disapproval.
“Okay, if it bothers you that I talked to that guy, I won’t do it anymore. It didn’t mean anything and it hasn’t changed the way I feel about you.” Freddie’s eyes finally searched mine.
“How do you feel about me, Beth?” he asked caressing my arm.
“I . . . I need to know what is happening to us. To me. Talk to me, don’t shut me out, Freddie, please.” I pleaded with him.
“Beth, I . . . I . . . I wish I could tell you what I’m feeling.” he muttered.
“All I want is to remember who I was—am. Who we were. Help me remember,” I begged fighting back tears.
“There’s nothing to remember. Everyone and everything that has ever been in your life is still in your life. This is it, Beth. Look at me––stop searching for something that will never be. I’m right here, in front of you.” He responded desperately.
“I wish I could explain it to you, how lonely and confused I’ve been lately. I rarely see my mom anymore, let alone talk to her.” I leaned my head on Freddie’s shoulder. “Besides my mother, you’re all I have, Freddie.” I wrapped my hand around his arm, as I breathed in his soft cologne.
“Sweet!” I said, cuddling my face into his chest. I peeked up at my friend, who was obviously upset about something, giving him a whimsical grin from ear to ear hoping to ease his sour mood.
“C’mon Freddie. Lighten up! Tell me what’s bothering you. I spilled my beans. Now it’s your turn. Say something. I feel like we never talk anymore.”
“It’s nothing to worry about, compared to your problems.”
“Freddie, that’s not fair. Talk to me. I’m all ears.” I grinned again.
“It’s . . .” His pensive face stared me in the eyes, as he thought of something to say. “I didn’t get accepted to Columbia U or Rochester, that’s all. I’m waiting to hear from other colleges now.”
“I’m sorry, Freddie. Why didn’t you tell me at the lake about this? ”
“What do you mean . . . at the lake?”
“Well, you were clearly upset at the lake, especially when you saw me talking to that boy with the cute little dog. You acted strange. That’s not like you.” I said. His eyes swiftly darted at me and back toward the window.
“Um, yeah, yeah, I . . . I received the letter earlier in the week, but I didn’t want to spoil our time together at the lake.” He assured me, although, I was able to see past his façade. I decided not to press the issue. I was grateful to be in his company. I leaned my head against his muscular shoulder again. Flutters stirred in my belly as he wrapped his arm around me and securely held me there. Perhaps he was right.Look at me––stop searching for something that will never be. I’m right here, in front of you.His words echoed in my head.
“What do you feel like doing tomorrow?” I said dreamily snuggling up against him. I heard a chuckle deep in Freddie’s chest as he kissed my head and rested his on mine, “Lake,” he yawned. “Mmm hmmm.” I moaned.
Chapter 17: Angelus Custos: Guardian Angel
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11
It was a quarter to eleven when Emmalyn knocked on her son’s bedroom door. I wearily open my eyes, yawning. Freddie shifted his body to rest his head against the headboard.
“Elizabeth, honey, it’s getting late and you should be heading back now,” She whispered politely. Her small lips pulled back softly.
“I must have fallen asleep. I didn’t realize how late it is. Thank you, Mrs. Albrizio,” I said pulling on my sneakers, as Freddie’s mom returned to her bedroom. I tied my laces and stood up off of Freddie’s bed. He reached up grabbing my wrist and pulling me back down to his side. He reached up his hand to caress my cheek.
“Beth, I––I . . . lov” he stuttered his lips uncomfortably close to mine as his avid eyes stared painfully into mine. I could hear his profound breathing as he leaned his forehead against mine. My face in both his palms. I twitched involuntarily, trying to understand what was happening between us.Were we together in an intimate kind of way?I asked myself. Something fluttered in my stomach. Something familiar.Did I ever love you? My mind flooded with the thoughts of us.
We remained quiet as our foreheads rested on the other’s. He kept his eyes on my lips. I stared into his eyes, never noticing the spray of golden color sprinkled beyond their gray. They were beautiful and suddenly saw something more in Freddie. A different sort of feeling stirred in my belly. One of intrigue and curiosity––one of interest.
“Freddie.” I whispered closing my eyes. I couldn’t say more. I wasn’t sure what we were doing, or what was happening between us, but the feeling was wonted. It wasn’t until his grip around my wrist made it throb in pain that I pried my hand from his strong grip.
“
Freddie, you’re hurting me. Please, let go.” I stuttered nervously. He closed his eyes, as he released his grip.
“I’m sorry, Beth. I wish I could do more.” He whispered, biting his lip and looking away ashamed.
“Tell me what’s on your mind, Freddie. I promise, it won’t change anything between us.” I watched as he shifted his position on the mattress. His stare locked on the far wall of his room, not on me. I could easily see by his posture that he was struggling with emotions and I speculated they were for me. Although, I loved Freddie, I wasn’t sure if I pictured him in my life that way. He was my best friend, my shoulder to cry on. I was suddenly confused about my feelings for him.
I stood up and touched his hair. “I’m sorry Freddie.” I crouched down to face him and kissed his cheek. “Maybe in another life––if things were different, I’d . . .” I whispered, swallowing my words before I walked out of the room.
The next morning Freddie didn’t show for our usual escape to the lake. When I called his house, Mr. Albrizio said he was running errands with Emmalyn. Day after day, he avoided my calls and texts. I began to worry about Freddie. I didn’t intend to hurt him in any way. I loved him and cared too much to lose him now. He was my only friend and my only source of comfort.
Since I hadn’t heard from Freddie in several days, I decided to go to the lake alone to clear my head and do some reading for enjoyment for a change. It was a perfect clear day. The sky was bright and the sun warm. I sat under the shady birch, readingBroken Soup, as I occasionally peeked over the book to scaled the natural beauty of the lake. In the distance, the sound of a pitchy little bark echoed past the hedges. For a brief moment I remembered a dog in my past. One with a much deeper bark. I debated whether or not to go back to the stone posts, in hopes of seeing Zeus again. Yet, I giggled at my ridiculous thought of wanting to see a tiny dog, but the urgency to see Mike prevailed.
I followed Zeus’ bark past the green shrubs and soaring trees of plush forest. Just beyond the trees on the open field, there he was, playfully wrestling with his little furry companion. I watched quietly in the shadows of the forest, wondering about this beautiful stranger that somehow fit perfectly into my life. Zeus turned to look in my direction and came running toward the dimness of the forest. He heeled once he noticed me standing there, foolishly lurking from a distance. Mike jogged over to Zeus as I stepped out of the shade and into the warm sunlight. He stepped back surprised by my presence, yet smiling to express his delight in seeing me.
“I hope I’m not interrupting?” I grinned at the beautiful face standing before me.
“Not at all! As a matter of fact, Zeus here was asking about you.” He laughed.
My fingers twisted at my tee shirt, disfiguring the cotton fabric in a familiar ritual. I felt the pounding of my heart through my shirt, hoping it wasn’t noticeable to Mike. Zeus trotted back to the old stones. Mike and I followed his lead and sat on the remains of the ancient pillars.
“I love this place,” he commented, gazing toward the outline of the tall trees. I wanted to agree, but how could I explain that although, I rarely ventured here, I believed I had been here before and for some strange reason, loved it too.
“It is very beautiful.” I replied.
“Do you come here often?” his familiar smile stretched across his pink lips.
I bit my lip, not quite sure how to respond. I didn’t want him to think I was some sort of crazy.
“Umm. Yes and no?” I cocked my head letting my hair spill over my shoulder. The insistency to be truthful prodded my head. “I mean, I’ve been here before, the other day . . . obviously, when we met.” I pointed to Zeus who initiated the introduction for the two of us.
“And no?” he questioned me in bewilderment.
I nodded my head trying to figure out an explanation for such an odd familiarity.
“It’s strange, actually. This place . . . feels like I’ve been here before---but I’m not sure if it was in this life.” I giggled nervously at myself. I raised my eyes to notice his astounded expression. I could only imagine what he thought of me. The absurdity that spilled from my lips, left him dumbfounded.
“I must sound nuts! I don’t know what I’m saying.” I mumbled, biting down hard on my lip to silence myself.
“I don’t think you sound nuts. I get vibes here too,” he said kindly.
“I feel as though this place has significance in my life, but . . . this must sound ridiculous to you. I’ll just shut up, now.” I pushed the idea to the back of my mind, feeling utterly embarrassed and flushed.
“Don’t. I’d like to hear what you have to say.” Mike replied.
“Are you sure I’m not boring you?” I teased. He sweetly nodded no. Breathing deeply, I continued.
“A few months ago, I was . . . um,” I hesitated wondering if it was appropriate to spill details of my personal life to a complete stranger. I didn’t want to scare him away. “I shouldn’t have brought this up.” I retreated.
“Please, I don’t mind listening, if you don’t mind sharing. I’m a good listener and I won’t laugh. Scout’s honor.” He smiled sympathetically.Hmm? How strangely familiar that sounded.I thought to myself.
“This is crazy.” I laughed again, thinking about how comfortable I felt around this guy that I barely knew.
“If it makes you feel better, I’ll start with my story about this place.” His whispered with a sympathetic grin. “There’s a bit of history that follows these old pillars.” His hand brushed the ancient stone. My eyes followed his hand as he stroked the pillar. I imagined the same hand stroking my lips.Could it be I knew what his touch felt like?I trembled as the thought crossed my mind.
“Really, what sort of history.” I licked my dry lips with an urgency imploding for details. I had a strong inkling about this place and I leaned closer to Mike wanting to know more about the history of these ancient stones.
“It is rumored that this place dates back to the thirteenth century and at one time was taken over by a secret sect that protected a sacred bloodline. The ancient building that once stood here was called the Obidos. If I know history, I believe a King gave—”
I found myself immediately interrupting Mike’s adaptation of a history lesson with a sudden memory breakthrough.
“—gave his Queen this castle as a wedding gift.” I muttered as the words spilled from my lips. We both stared into each other’s eyes, stunned.
Our lips parted in, shock and a wave of memories engulfed my mind, while his eyes opened in disbelief. His shallow breathing imitated the exacerbating pulse in my chest.
“You remember, Elizabeth.” He whispered, almost hopeful of finding the glitch to set back my memory. He froze, as did I. His deep eyes locked mine in a trance, as he hovered over me. I stumbled back. The ground convulsed beneath my feet. Visions satiated my already confused mind. Thoughts, visions, images, memories, and feelings spiraled wildly in every direction. I was completely confounded by the commotion escalating in my brain. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it.
“What is happening?” I stuttered gripping my head.
Images flashed before me at immeasurable speeds, snapping at my skull;a black-haired vixen, a magnificent angel, an illustrious chalet, a German Shepard, a stone castle; stone carvings of angels and the Virgin, blue robes, my father, a society, my mother, the voices, Freddie, the lake, falcon eyes and finally Michael in all his glory.
“Michael.” I chanted his name. I stared dismayed at the column resting on the grass. Unable to breathe, my lungs battled for air as my heart waited for its natural rhythmic beats
to finally settle.
“This place?” I glazed over the land.
“I . . . I don’t understand how I could know about this place.”
In a familiar touch, Michael stroked the spirals of my hair against my shocked face.
“I wasn’t supposed to remember!”
“No, you weren’t supposed to remember. But you do, Elizabeth.” His words ba
rely audible. “This is incredible.” he murmured intensely.
My eyes blinked rapidly in brilliant revelation. I let out a deep moan. I could feel my stomach trembling from the inside out, as my head began to thump.
“It can’t be! No, not again! I’m not supposed to remember! Please, please tell me I’m not dead!” I vexed the idea.
“Sssh, my princess, you are not.”
“Then how can it be that I remember you and things that I otherwise shouldn’t have remembered? You’re not supposed to exist in this world. In my world. But, I always knew you were real. I felt you everywhere I went, thinking I had lost my mind. Ever since the surgery, things have been different, I’m different. I never fit in before, but now even more so. I walk in limbo, Michael. I feel as if I don’t belong here anymore.”
I stared up at Michael. His deep-set eyes admired me sweetly. The short time I spent with my father at the Trinity, reverberated in my mind as his words echoed louder in my head. The horror of what was yet to come, imploded within me with tremendous force.
“Michael, you said you’d return only if there was something wrong. Why are you back?” My lips trembled.
“I came for you.” His voice resonated.
My head swayed slowly side to side as I held my eyes closed, picturing the long, lonely days I’ve spent in my garden, knowing now, why I felt a void in my life. But there had to be more to why Michael returned.
“I was missing something. I just didn’t know what or who. I walked around for months searching for something, trying to figure out what it was that was missing. I . . . I didn’t know what I was looking for. I just knew I had to find it. Week after week, I searched, until it became unbearable. I became empty. I felt lost.” I said, looking into the eyes that roused a desire to live again.
“I was missing you. You make me feel alive. You are my garden, its beauty, strength and delicate splendor in my own little sanctuary.”
I stepped forward wrapping my trembling arms around his body. I took a deep breath remembering his heavenly scent only to find out that it was different now, not as intense.