by L A Cotton
“What happened?”
“He hurt me. We hurt each other.” Admitting it only brought all the pain rushing back. Not that it ever went away. But this was different. This was me on the verge of admitting what I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge.
“Oh, you’re one of those couples.”
“Those couples?”
He took his shot, concentrating on the angle of the ball. It sunk into the corner pocket and he lined up his second shot. “Yeah, those couples. You know, the ones who have to work at it. Who have to fight through the messy stuff to get to the good stuff.”
“Maybe those couples should just accept it isn’t worth it?”
Vinnie’s head lifted, and he looked right at me as he said, “Isn’t it?”
Was it?
Was someone’s love worth the endless pain, stress, and drama?
I’d believed it wasn’t. I’d believed pushing Devon away from me for good was the best thing for both of us. But I was miserable. And from what I’d seen, so was he. I missed his smile, his dirty words, the weight of his arms around my shoulders. I missed the way he pushed me and challenged me and made me want things I didn’t think I deserved.
Things I never thought I’d get to have.
God, I missed him.
I missed him so damn much.
I’d let Devon in, given him a piece of myself. And ever since watching him walk away from me, I’d felt incomplete.
“What about Maggie? I asked Vinnie, wanting to deflect the limelight from me to him.
“Ahh, we’re a different type of couple.”
“You are?” I took my shot but missed, too distracted by our honest conversation.
“We’re the couple who spend years dancing around one another, almost colliding but forever missing.”
“That’s kind of sad.”
“Welcome to my life. I’ve known Maggie since I was five, and I’ve loved her since I was eleven.”
“Why don’t you just tell her?”
His easy smile melted away. “Because in our story there isn’t just Maggie. There’s Maggie, Vinnie... and Rob.”
“Oh.”
“Yup.” He slammed his cue into the white ball a little harder, sending balls flying across the table. “So as you can see, I drink beer, play pool, pretend to date beautiful brunettes, and try to appease my brother because it’s easier than accepting the truth.”
“The truth,” I repeated.
“Yeah. I’m in love with my best friend, and she’ll never choose me.”
His pain was like a giant wave rushing toward me. It slammed into me, swirling with my own. Here I was. I’d found someone to love me, to accept me flaws and all, and I’d run at the first sign of things getting hard. Vinnie loved someone he could never have. He’d never get to hold her, kiss her, or share his life with her.
“There it is,” he said, bringing me back to the moment. His voice was sad, but hopeful, and my heart ached for him.
For us both.
“There’s what?”
“The moment of realization. That one split second you realize what a big fucking mistake you’ve made.”
Tears pricked my eyes as I nodded. I couldn’t reply, my throat constricted; too overwhelmed as the weight of his words sank into me. As the truth sank into me. Because Vinnie was right.
I’d made a huge mistake.
“DID YOU HAVE FUN?” I asked Kara as Shaun drove us home. He and Vinnie had been complete gentlemen the whole night. After the game of pool, Vinnie and I had gone back to the main party, neither of us mentioning Maggie or Devon again. It was oddly reassuring knowing someone understood. The only problem now was, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it.
“I had the best time,” she flopped back against the leather and let out a contented sigh. “I love him, Mace. Can you believe that? I’m in love.”
“Ssh.” I smiled catching Shaun’s eye in the rear-view mirror. His eyes crinkled with silent laughter. “You’re drunk, and Shaun’s right there.”
“He is?” Her eyes widened, but quickly clouded with the same dreamy look she wore whenever she was talking about him.
“And I love you, you know. You’re my best friend, Macey Prince. I’ll miss you next year when you leave.”
“I’ll miss you too, Kara.” I brushed her hair from her face. She was ass-over-elbow drunk, but I knew Shaun would make sure she got home okay.
“And you’ll miss Devon.”
I froze. Shaun cleared his throat from upfront. “Hmm, babe, remember Macey and Devon broke up.” He offered me an apologetic smile.
“Yeah, but it’s stupid. They love each other. I saw them, you know,” she said as if I wasn’t sitting right beside her. “I saw how they watched each other around school. I’ve never seen her look at a guy like that. She’s always so—”
“Babe, Macey is right beside you.”
“She is? Oh, she is.” Kara slung her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. “Did I tell you I’m in love? And I love you, and Devon loves you, and you love Dev—”
“We’re all in love, I’ve got it.” Despite being unable to breathe at her words, I couldn’t help but smile. She was a funny drunk.
Kara peeled herself away from me, frowning. “Well, not all in love together, that’s just weird.”
“Okay, missy, you need to sleep off some of this happy juice.” I rolled up the blanket Shaun had given me before we set off and tucked it the other side of her head.
“Night,” she sighed. Seconds later her soft snores filled the car.
“I’m sorry about that,” Shaun said.
“It’s no big deal. I’m just glad she’s happy.”
“I hope Vinnie wasn’t too much for you? He can be—”
“He was the perfect gentleman. We actually had a lot in common.”
“You did?” I saw the hope glitter in Shaun’s eyes.
“Yeah.” I didn’t want to crush his plans for me and Vinnie to ride off into the sunset together, but I didn’t want to lie either. So I said, “He’s one of the good ones.”
That seemed to appease him, and Shaun went back to focusing on the road. I dug around in my purse and found my cell phone. I’d deleted Devon’s number the day he walked out of my bedroom and out of my life, but I hadn’t deleted all his messages.
I couldn’t.
Even if it was the only piece of him I got to keep, I wanted it.
One by one, I read them. Each word, every letter, like a knife to my heart.
“Hey, are you okay?”
I glanced up at Shaun and forced a smile. “No,” I whispered. “But I will be.”
One way or another, I had to be.
Chapter 26
DEVON
“I fucking hate Christmas,” I announced to no one in particular. Autumn and Liam sat huddled close to the bonfire while Jared was cuddled up to some girl he’d persuaded out of The Shack to join our little party of four. Me? I was keeping a bottle of Bud company, or maybe it was keeping me company. Either way, for tonight, we were a match made in heaven.
“Oh, I love it,” Autumn said as if I’d expected an answer.
I hadn’t.
“The decorations and presents and family time.” She pressed further into Liam, brushing her nose along her jaw.
“Family time, fuck that.” Jared shuddered, and I wanted to lean over and fist bump him. But I didn’t because he was a traitor bringing the pretty blonde down to our spot.
“Are you drunk?” Liam eyeballed me.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “A little.”
He shook his head in a ‘what are you doing, man’ kind of way. But he could go to hell for all I cared. After the last couple of weeks, I deserved a beer. Hell, I deserved a whole cooler of them. I knew what he was thinking though. I’d gone to a particularly bad place after Caitlin threw me away like garbage. He didn’t want a repeat, and neither did I. But I didn’t want to deal with the permanent ache in my chest either.
“I’m fine, qui
t worrying,”
“Lighten up, babe.” Autumn gripped her guy’s jaw. Her guy. I was supposed to be Macey’s guy. It was supposed to be the two of us against the world.
Until she ripped my world apart with her bare hands.
Or was that my heart?
Both.
I think it was both.
I drank the rest of the bottle and traded it for a new one.
“Hey, guys, we’re going to...” Jared tipped his head to a shadowy corner of the beach, the girl giggling into his chest.
Fucker.
Now I was stuck with Liam and Autumn.
At least I had Bud.
Bud wouldn’t abandon me.
A couple of our other friends spilled out of The Shack and waved over. “We’re heading to a party if you guys fancy it?”
“Nah, we’re good,” Liam called back.
“Party?” I staggered to my feet. “What party?”
“I don’t know, man,” Kinnicky said. “It’s a football team thing, but I figured no one is going to care if we crash.”
“I’m in.” I swung my beer in the air and the damn thing sloshed all over me. “Fuck.”
“Do you think this is a good idea?” Liam stood up staring me down. “Let me drive you home. Sleep it off.”
“You think this is something I can just sleep off? She broke my fucking heart. She plunged her hands into my chest and tore it clean out. Sleep isn’t going to help.”
“Neither is beer.” His eyes dropped to the bottle in my hand.
“Yeah, but it numbs the pain.”
“What if she’s there? You really want her to see you like this?”
“She left me, remember? She doesn’t care about me.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “You know that’s not true.”
“Whatever, man.” We were locked in a stand-off. His eyes trying to tell me things, I didn’t want to accept. Mine refusing to see.
“Lions, you in or out? We gotta roll.”
“In. I’m in.” I shouldered past Liam and made my way up to Kinnicky and the others. Maybe Liam was right, and this was a bad fucking idea. Only problem was, I didn’t seem to care anymore.
AS SOON AS KINNICKY’S truck pulled up to the party, I pushed the door open and stumbled out.
“Whoa, man,” he called after me, but I waved him off.
“Air, I need some fresh air.” And I needed everything to stop spinning.
One of the guys had offered me some water on the ride over. I was beginning to think I should have taken it. But I didn’t want to sober up. I wanted to ride the buzz, to numb out all the other shit.
To forget her face.
No, I didn’t want to forget her face. I just wanted to see it without the crippling pain in my chest, the deep burn that no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, let itself be known every second of every fucking day.
When the world finally stopped spinning, I decided I needed more beer. The house was crammed, and of course my traitorous piece of shit eyes searched for her. How could they not? But I didn’t find her. I did, however, find the beer supply. Grabbing as many bottles as I could carry, I found my way back outside and made my way down to the beach.
“Is one of those for me?” A voice said from the darkness, and I squinted, my blurry vision finding a girl in the shadows.
“Princess?”
“Who?” She stepped into the light, and my stomach sank. She wasn’t Macey, not even close. But she had nice eyes and a warm smile, and she wasn’t looking at me like I was dirt on her shoe.
“No one,” I replied. “Beer?”
“Sure, why not? This thing is a drag.”
I handed her a bottle. “Don’t let the football team hear you say that. They think they throw the parties to end all other parties.”
She shrugged, popping the cap. “I don’t usually come to these things. My friend likes a guy, and she wanted me to—”
“Say no more.” I dropped down on the small wall and lined up the beers beside me, taking a long pull on one of the bottles.
“You’re Devon Lions, right?” The girl lowered her eyes, blushing. I didn’t answer. What was there to say? “Which means when you called me Princess you were talking about—”
“Don’t.”
“Sorry, I just—”
“It’s okay,” I said. Even though it wasn’t. Even though nothing about this was okay, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about Macey. “I just... I’m down here to forget. Not to be reminded.”
“I won’t mention it again, you have my word.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it...”
“Amy.”
“Amy.” The name sounded all wrong on my tongue.
“I’m a junior,” she added as if it was important. Maybe it was my bruised ego, or the copious amounts of beer working its way through my system, but I liked her. Not like liked her. But I liked that she knew of me but didn’t really know me.
We drank our beers watching the ocean. It wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t particularly uncomfortable either. It just was. After my second beer, Amy opened up, telling me about her family, her love of horses. I listened, unwilling to give away too much of myself. But it was nice. The company. Her easy conversation.
By the time I’d drained my last beer, I realized we’d been sitting out here for longer than I thought.
“It’s been nice talking to you tonight.” Amy smiled, inching her body closer to mine. The four beers I’d had since we came down here sat empty in the sand, but if anything, I felt more sober than when I’d arrived. Maybe it was knowing Macey was more than likely here somewhere, putting on a fake smile and pretending everything was fine. Or maybe everything was fine in her life. Maybe she really was a cold-hearted bitch.
No. I knew she wasn’t. I’d peeled back her icy layers and discovered so much more than the girl she let everyone else see. I couldn’t just erase that. No matter how much she’d hurt me.
“Yeah,” I made myself reply. “You too.”
“So, I was wondering...”
Oh no. She had that look. That sparkle in her eyes as she stared at me, as if I held all the answers to her questions.
“Amy, listen...”
Her smile fell, her dejected gaze falling to the sand. I felt like a complete shit. Here was a nice girl who knew me, knew all about what had gone down at school with Macey and Cat, and yet, she’d stayed. She hadn’t turned and run the other way.
That was worth something.
Wasn’t it?
“You’re a sweet girl, and it’s been nice hanging out, but...”
“I get it.” Sadness lingered in her eyes when she looked at me again. “You’re still hung up on Mac... on her.”
Jesus, she even held up her promise not to mention Macey’s name. Why did life insist on handing me these fucked-up situations?
“It’s complicated, and look at me, I’m a mess.” I glanced to the bottles beside me.
“You’re not a mess, Devon, you’re just sad. It’s refreshing. Most of the guys at school use girls and cast them aside like they’re nothing.”
“That’s not me.”
“I know. And I know you didn’t say those things about... Crap, I’m sorry. It seems I have a severe case of foot-in-mouth tonight.”
“Stop. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
That seemed to appease her, and she smiled again. “Well, I should probably head back and find my friend before she does anything she might regret.” Amy stood up, brushing her hands down her strappy dress. It was hard not to notice the way it clung to her delicate curves. Macey was always in skirts or jeans.
Fuck.
I hated that I was comparing them.
Maybe coming here hadn’t been a good idea after all.
“Actually,” I said. “Let me walk you back to the party. Then I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“That would be nice, thanks.” Amy went to move but lost her footing in the sand. Her hands flew out to me
and I caught her, our bodies slamming together, her chest pressed up against mine.
“T-thanks,” it was breathless. “Sorry, I—” Her eyes dropped to my mouth. Every cell in my body was aware of the cute blonde, all sunshine and smiles, pressed against me. My crushed ego screamed at me to make a move, to kiss her and let myself forget.
But as I stared at Amy, lust and innocence dancing in her eyes, all I could think was: how could you forget the girl who owns your heart?
Chapter 27
MACEY
“Guess who’s here?” Kara flopped down beside me, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“Shaun?”
“No, not Shaun, silly. Devon. I saw him arrive earlier.”
“He’s here?” He wasn’t supposed to be here.
“Hey, why the glum face? This is a good thing. Now you don’t have to wait until after Christmas break to tell him.”
“Yeah, about that, I’m not sure—”
“Macey, come on. We talked about this. I thought you knew you’d made a mistake?”
“I did.” I definitely did. “But I’m not sure I want to do it here, at a party.”
“Carpe diem, remember?”
“Seize the fish?” I mocked, earning me a harsh eye roll.
“If you don’t go and talk to him, I will.” Her brows quirked up, and I knew she meant business.
“Fine, I’ll talk to him. But I need another drink,”—or three—“first.”
She squealed with delight, grabbing my hands in hers. “I’m so excited for you.”
“Hmm, Kara, he hasn’t forgiven me yet.”
Maybe he never would.
It was that fact that was holding me back. The fear that I’d lost him for good.
“No, but he will. How could he not? You guys are meant to be together.” She was such a romantic. I wished I shared her optimism, but I was Macey Prince, and I must have missed that line when they were handing out personality traits.
“One more drink first and then I’ll find him,” I said, but half an hour later and I still couldn’t find him.
I searched Lonnie’s house high and low for Devon. I’d almost given up my second sweep of the patio area when I spotted him down by the beach. Rooted to the spot, my eyes greedily drank in every detail. He was dressed differently to most of the guys—here, in their smart jeans and Henley t-shirts—but I couldn’t imagine seeing Devon in anything but his ripped jeans, and open shirt with the sleeves rolled up. After giving myself a few seconds, I took off toward him only to slam to a stop when I realized he wasn’t alone.