by KL Donn
“No.” So much pain in a single syllable.
“Family, friends?”
“I’m alone.”
“I have a sister. Hayes. She’s been my best friend since the day she was born. And a pain in my ass just as long. When I came home last summer, she cried in my arms for nearly two days. Then she got so mad at me, she wouldn’t talk to me for a few weeks.”
“Why was she mad?”
My throat tightens. “I waited a year after my rescue to return home. What I went through, the humiliation and degradation I endured, it wouldn’t have been right. I didn’t want to bring that down on my family. I knew they would accept me no matter what, but I didn’t want them to worry more than they already would.
“When I did come home, the relief was worth the wait. Because even if I wasn’t completely healed, it was enough to accept their welcome. The hugs that would have made me cringe. The noises that would have made me jump. I had control over it all.”
“You said a few weeks. What changed her mind?”
“Her friend needed help. Hayes is loyal to a fault, and even given the circumstances, she knew she could still trust me to help however I could. Theo, my best friend, and I went and helped her friend out of a bad situation. Hayes and I, we aren’t one hundred yet, but we’re getting there. Day by day.”
“Are you okay now?” This woman thinks she’s broken, but she isn’t. She’s empathetic to every human emotion, and I’m willing to bet the reason she’s become so fragile is because of it.
“I am. I bear the scars of my captivity, but they’ve helped shape the man I’ve become. They’ve made me a better soldier.”
“I want to be better, too. I want to live a real life.” Her confession is filled with heartbreak. “Unfortunately, I’m not cut out for that.” The sounds of movement followed by the two locks she’d unbolted being reengaged have my frustration rising.
“Dammit, Codie, you can get through this. I’m here. I’ll help you.” Her silence is crushing. “Codie!” I pound on the door to no avail. “Fuck!” My frustration is met with the sound of a dog howling a few doors down.
I’m not done with her yet. I won’t be giving up while there’s still breath left in my body.
Chapter 6
Ryder
“Are you sure about this, man?” Theo asks for the third time in as many minutes. After spending six hours sitting on Codie’s front step waiting for any sign of movement, I either had to get my ass up and figure out how to help her or break the door down.
“Yeah, Theo, I’m sure.” Since breaking in her door would traumatize her further, I decide a little more research is more appropriate.
“And you’re sure about her diagnosis?” Despite his edgy looks with his dark hair and eyes and dozens of tattoos, Theo has a bigger heart than most men. Seeing any woman hurt and in pain can set off his trigger finger faster than someone trying to kill him.
“About ninety percent sure,” I mumble in the dark as we walk up the path to her house. Pulling out the tools I’ll need to pick her locks, I knock loudly first. Even understanding that I’ll startle her, I can’t sit by and let her lose herself in whatever is happening. “Codie? It’s Ryder. Theo’s here with me. You remember I told you a bit about him?” I wait for a response I know isn’t coming. “We’re coming in, Codie. If you want to unlock the door, do it now; otherwise, I have the tools to do it myself.” We wait a full minute before I get to work. “I’m coming in,” I call to her again just in case she didn’t hear me before. “Shine the light, Theo.”
“Did you ever think she wasn’t interested, man? Some people would call this stalking.” Ignoring him, I keep going.
One deadbolt down, two to go.
Then the door handle.
“One,” I hear muttered quietly from inside.
“You hear that?” Could have been my imagination.
The second lock gives. “Two.”
“Is she counting?” Theo asks, leaning against the door.
“She’s got a thing about threes,” I tell him.
“Three? Like OCD or something?”
The third lock disengages. “Three.”
Popping the door lock is easy. Entering the house, I call her name again. “Codie, it’s Ryder. Theo and I are coming in.”
“One, two, three.” A deep breath. “One, two three.” A hiccup. “One, two, three.”
“Lock the door, Theo. All three,” I instruct him as I walk further into her home.
“One”—the first lock flips—“two”—the second—“three”—the final one is loud in the silent house. Darkness encompasses us as we walk into what looks to be a den. Only Codie has built herself a fortress of walls with furniture and blankets surrounding her in a small corner.
“Codie?” I call again. I need to know she hears me, knows that it’s me here and not some intruder.
“The numbers, they calm me,” she whispers.
“Okay.” I don’t care why she does it.
“I’m not obsessive.”
“Whatever you say,” Theo agrees.
“Check the windows, Phantom,” I snap. As he walks away mumbling, I enter what seems to be her hideaway. “You okay down there?” I can see her slippered feet sticking out of a blanket.
“I guess that depends on your definition of okay.” Behind her wit and sarcasm, I can hear the vulnerability she’s hiding.
“Alive.”
“Then, yeah, I’m unfortunately okay.” I can’t tell if it’s sadness or relief I hear in her tone.
“Why unfortunately?”
“What are you, my shrink?”
I snort at her comment. “No. Do you have one? Should I call them?”
The blanket covering her still doesn’t move. “Probably,” she whispers finally poking her head out so I can see her, and what I see is not something I like.
Dark bags of exhaustion under her eyes. A paler than normal complexion. And greasy hair. It’s only been five days since I’ve seen her, yet it looks like it’s been weeks. She’s a complete mess.
“When’s the last time you ate?” She shrugs. “I’m gonna order some pizza. You want anything specific?” She shakes her head. After making the call for three large pizzas, she raises a brow, and I shrug, “We’re growing boys.”
“Why are you here, Ryder?” Her words are followed by a loud bang from upstairs. “Jesus, Theo, chill!” I call up to him. Looking back at Codie, her eyes are wild with fright, and her body is vibrating. Grabbing her ankle, I pull her out of her blankets and into my arms.
Trying to soothe her, I wrap my arms around her shaking body and whisper in her ear. “Just Theo, dove. You’re fine. I won’t let anything happen to you.” I try to imprint my vow of safety into her, but she’s skittish as a trapped rabbit. “What happened to you?”
I don’t expect an answer, but the one I get saddens me immensely. “Love. Love happened.”
“Tell me about it?” I want to learn about everything there is to her. Except, I know it’s not going to happen just because I want it to.
“It hurts, and hiding is easier than living.”
“Do you believe in fate, Codie?” Her body is still shivering in my arms, but she’s no longer tense.
“I believe that if fate is real, she’s a cold-hearted bitch I want nothing to do with.” The agony in her voice pulls at my heart.
“Pizza’s here.” Theo comes thumping down the stairs and heads for the door. As he unbolts the locks I hear, “One, two, three.”
Codie
* * *
His arms feel so strong and safe wrapped around me as we sit on the floor while Theo grabs the pizza. I don’t know what Ryder wants from me, but it feels a whole lot like more than I have left in me to give.
Listening to the two men come in my door, I nearly crawled out of my skin. Even after the many warnings they’d given before entering, I wasn’t prepared. I never am.
The outside world terrifies me in a way I don’t think I’ll ever be able to over
come. Ryder doesn’t need that in his life. He’s not designed for it. It wouldn’t be fair of me to lead him on and get involved. I’ll only break his spirit, as well.
I want to tell him that. To say that he and Theo should leave. Go. While they can. Before my vortex of a life drags them in too deeply to back away. I should say all these things.
Except, I can’t.
I haven’t felt so safe as I do right now in more years than I can remember. Ryder holds this strength within his being that is unmatched to anything else.
I’m greedy and uncaring of everyone but myself right now. I want this comfort. I need it like I need my next breath. The fear of the past few days has caught up to me, and all I want is this man. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking about Ryder in his absence.
I waited by the window for the sounds of his padding feet. When they hadn’t come that second day, I gave up. Not wanting to face the disappointment of another person abandoning me. I’d been sucked so deeply into my own nightmares that I haven’t thought about anything else.
Sleeping and eating hadn’t been a priority when I was jumping at every little sound. The wind rustling the leaves, horns honking in the distance. Doors slamming from my neighbors.
Voices…
The voices were the worst. I could never tell which ones were real or in my head. A call to my psychiatrist netted no results when I couldn’t concentrate on her words. I could barely form a sentence to explain what had happened and why I was so panicked.
She was calm, rational, and reassuring. Everything I needed. Nothing I could accept. Until I heard Ryder’s voice this morning, I hadn’t taken a breath without panic since he left my porch that night.
I want so much to be able to live even a semi-regular life. I want to be able to go outside and feel the grass between my toes, sunbathe on my back porch. I want more than anything to have some sort of semblance of normal. Even if only for a day.
My fears have built a wall so entrenched in my mind that I don’t foresee it collapsing any time soon. I know that once Ryder realizes what’s wrong with me and that I’ve failed as a woman, he’ll leave, and that’s when the bricks will be cemented back in place. I’ll die alone and miserable.
“Hey, you want a slice?” Ryder’s husky voice is soothing in my ear. He’s holding a plate with two slices in front of me as Theo hands him a water bottle.
I don’t. Not really. My body usually rejects any type of sustenance when I get this stressed out. “No,” I croak, only just realizing how dry my throat is.
“Come on, dove. You have to eat something,” he encourages, and I see that Theo has already eaten half of a pie. “Christ, man, you could slow down and chew.” Ryder laughs at him.
Shrugging, he mumbles, “It’s good pie, man,” and shoves another bite in his mouth.
“Code?” Ryder nudges me, but I’m too tired to sit up, let alone chew.
“I just want to close my eyes for a bit,” I mumble as I feel the dark abyss float into my consciousness.
“Twenty minutes,” I think he says. His voice sounds so far away, like he’s talking through a tunnel.
As my body floats and my mind lets go of my fears, I briefly wonder if this is what dying feels like. It’s peaceful. Sedate. There’s no pain, and my emotions aren’t a mess that leaves me wishing for a new life.
If this is death, I think I’ll take it.
Ryder
* * *
Theo left after double checking that the sensors on the doors and windows were working and with a promise to return with Foster and supplies in the morning. When Codie slumped over against me, real fear rushed through me for the first time in my life. A fear bone-deep and chilling because I felt everything rush out of her body like a tidal wave. I even checked for a pulse as her dead weight slid to the floor. Her fluttering heartbeat the only reason I hadn’t called for an ambulance.
She is weak, there’s no doubt. She needs food. But right now, I think what she needs most is to sleep knowing it’s safe. That she’s safe. And if I can give her that, I will.
Laying down next to Codie, I catch her blanket with my foot and pull it over us, making sure she’s covered from the neck down. I wrap my free arm across her hips and hold her tight to my body, hoping she feels my presence for the rest of the night and knows nothing and no one can get to her.
I don’t know what’s happening between us, but I want it to continue. I want to be here for her, and her to be here for me. As strong as I am, I know I’m still fucked up in the head, and I think helping her will ultimately be beneficial for me.
Over the next couple of weeks, I have major training to do with the rest of the team, and aside from one overnight survival training trip, I’m free in the evenings to spend time with Codie. To show her that even when I’m not here, I’m with her. I won’t abandon her. Whatever’s happened in her past, she can overcome it, and I’ll be right there with her.
Gaining her trust is going to be an issue. I know she won’t give it to me on a silver platter, and I don’t expect her to. I want her to learn to reach out to me when she needs it, though. It’s a sure-fire way for me to show her that I am worthy of her fragile faith.
After tonight, I suspect, now more than ever, that her psyche is severely fractured. From what, I aim to find out. Tomorrow, I’m spending the day securing her house with more locks than Fort Knox, enough cameras to look like a porn house, and replacing the glass in her windows with a thicker pane.
She’ll be safe again. I’ll make sure of it.
“Codie?” I whisper in her ear, brushing her dark hair back from her face. “Wake up for me, dove.” She doesn’t move; her breathing doesn’t change. If anything, she burrows deeper into my chest. “Alright, dove, for now, you’ll rest. In the morning, though, you’re going to let me help you.”
She may not know it yet, but I’m all-in. Not only will she have me harping on her, but I know my team will support her every bit as much. If only because I’m laying claim to a girl more broken than me but calls to every fiber of my being.
I’m not sure what’s going to come of us yet, but it’s going to be explosive.
Chapter 7
Codie
My eyes pop open, startled by an unrecognizable foreign noise, and my fear corrupts the peace my mind was feeling moments ago. The warmth I felt at my back all night is gone, and I have no idea what’s happening now.
Confused, I skitter back into the corner between the couch and tables and hide the best I can as I hear footsteps looming closer. Closing my eyes tight, I pray for the end to be quick. I pray whoever is here is merciful.
“Codie?” It takes a moment, but I recall the voice, and my lids open slowly as I see Ryder crouched down in front of me. Long legs covered in dark denim, bare feet, and a muscle shirt that shows, well, his many muscles. Bumps and grooves that are littered with scars and masterfully covered with dark ink.
I’m captivated by the contrast as he holds out a hand for me to take, but I can’t. I need to process everything that’s happening, and I do that best in a tight space.
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
His boyish grin is earnest, full as he sits in front of me and waits silently, sipping what smells like a delicious cup of coffee. My eyes stray to the mug in his hand, and he naturally catches what I’ve latched onto as he hands it to me.
Hesitating, I shake my hands out before reaching forward to grip my favorite mug between my palms. Bringing the rich brew to my mouth, I gingerly take a sip. The perfect mix of sweet cream and coffee bathes my tongue as I close my eyes in appreciation and finally, hand it back.
With that same grin on his face, Ryder’s dark blue gaze meets mine as he spins the cup in his hands and places his lips where mine were and draws a long gulp as he finishes the drink off. Stunned, I stare at him. That was a very intimate gesture. I’m not certain how to respond to it.
“Theo will be back today.” I freeze. “Foster is coming with him.” I’m mute with fear. New
men. Strangers. Invading my home. “I’ll be here the entire time. We’re going to put cameras in around the house, inside and out. Replace the lower level windows with a thicker pane. They’ll also be tinted so that you can see out, but no one else can see in.”
I blink rapidly at the information he’s giving me, and I’m not sure how to respond. “I…” I’m at a complete loss for words. I want to say no, to beg him not to let anyone in my home. “Why?” Comes out instead.
Ryder’s brows draw together, and he looks at me quizzically. “So you’re safe.” His words are very rational, but they still don’t make any sense to me.
“I don’t understand.”
“Trust me then. Just for today, trust that all I want to do is protect you.” How I wish I could, but it’s not nearly as simple as he would like to think it could be. Not for me.
“I don’t…” I have to look away from his eager gaze. “I don’t do trust, Ryder.”
With a gentle hand, he grips my chin, turning my head back to face him. “I’ll show you, Codie. I can be trusted.”
A knock on the door sounds, breaking any response I would have mustered and sent me into a panic attack. My erratic heart flies through my chest, and white dots skitter into my vision as Ryder stands, a sympathetic look in his gaze, to answer the door.
He has no idea the mess he’s getting himself into with me. I have to convince him it’s better off to leave me alone. Maybe his friends will be able to make him listen. I’m a lost cause, and he’s a warrior. I’ll be a distraction that could quite possibly get him or one of his men killed.
“One, two, three.” I count the disengaging locks.