by KL Donn
But I can’t let him go, either. He’s the reason I’m finding my way free from this fog in my brain. He’s the reason I see a light at the end of this terrifying tunnel. Ryder is the reason I’m going to overcome myself, my fears, my pain, these goddamned controlling demons.
Ryder Morrison is the salvation waiting for me; he’s the one I want to give my heart to. And in order to do that, I have to fight free. Even when the doubts creep in and the voices are almost too loud, making me cower in their presence.
“Ryder?” I murmur. At least, I think I do.
“I’m here.” His warm hand on my cheek eases the terror as I fight my way forward.
“You are, aren’t you?” My voice remains low. I can sense the anger in the room, and while it worries me, it’s not enough to make me recoil this time.
“Take your time, dove.”
“We need to talk to you, Miss Ray!” A strange man’s voice billows into the room.
“I told you to shut it,” Theo snaps, making me smile a little.
“Take your time, dove,” Ryder grits out again. “We’ve got you covered.”
Opening my eyes, the room is lit only by the sun’s rays, and I blink rapidly as stinging in my extremities makes itself known. “What happened?” I query as I lift my hands to see them bandaged up.
“You had a knife. The shaking made it nearly impossible to not cut yourself,” Ryder explains. “Weston bandaged you up for now. Medics are on the way.” I shiver at the word medics. They almost always want to take you to the hospital, and it’s the very last thing I want or need.
“I’m fine.” Turning my hands over and looking down at my legs, I wonder if I really am.
“It’s all superficial,” Ryder assures.
I’m almost afraid to ask, but I need to know. “Did you find him?”
Everyone around me freezes as I wait on the answer. Blowing out a deep breath, Ryder runs his hand along the back of his neck in clear frustration. “No. He was gone before we got here. Foster is going over the footage now.”
“I recorded him on my phone.” He nods. “Nothing?”
“You weren’t close enough to the windows,” Nix explains.
“Codie.” The concern in Ryder’s voice has my body tensing. “We have to move you.” His eyes plead with me, beg me to accept his decision, but I can’t.
“No. I can’t leave.” Nix glares at me from his position in the doorway. Theo shakes his head. Ryder’s shoulders slump. I don’t even know how to make them understand why, especially given that I don’t understand myself.
“I know you’ve had a hard time of it, Codie, but you can’t stay here. It’s not safe.” His voice is soothing as my world crashes around me.
“You don’t get it.” I really try. “I can’t leave.”
Staring back at his friends, Ryder says to them, “Close the door.” Theo leaves, but Nix appears even angrier as he slams the wood behind him. “I do get it, dove. Agoraphobia isn’t something you can control easily, but you can do it. You have to trust me to help you through.”
I blink rapidly as my breathing spikes, and my head spins. Of course, he would know what I suffer from. It wouldn’t have been hard to discover after meeting me the first time, I suppose. I just wish I wasn’t so beaten down.
Turning my back on him, I sit on the edge of the bed and struggle my way through the emotions running rampant within my body. The fear of not being able to control outside forces is what leaves me hiding in my home.
Losing Lucas wasn’t just the start of my hell. It was the catalyst. I put so much hope and pressure on him facilitating my new beginning that I didn’t think about the possibility of losing him. The thought that his life would end before we began never once occurred to me, even after Jason left me. And now, as I sit here with Ryder trying to convince me to put myself out in the world, I realize I’m doing it again.
I’m relying on someone else to be my light in this dark hole I’m in. I want this man to be my everything, and that’s only opening myself up to new hurts. Fierce pain would consume me faster than a wildfire if I ever lost him.
I have to let him go before either of us become more damaged from the outcome of our inevitable tragic ending.
“I can’t, Ryder.” My words are quiet, but they’re final, and I can feel him tense behind me, sensing something I’m not saying but comprehending deep in his soul.
Chapter 10
Ryder
I didn’t want to leave. In fact, if Nix and Weston hadn’t forced me out as Foster and Theo changed the locks on all her doors, I wouldn’t have left.
I can’t, Ryder.
Three simple fucking words.
Anyone would understand the meaning when hearing her tone.
I sure as hell did.
I didn’t like it. Still don’t. With the police around, I had to listen, though. I was forced to leave Codie when she was at her weakest and listen to Nix’s speech all damn day about how she’s making me lose focus. Interfering with my ability to remain objective and active on the team.
She isn’t, though. If anything, she makes me want to be better. To push myself past all my limits and prove I came back more centered and stronger than ever before.
Sitting outside her house in the middle of the night, watching and waiting in the shadows for whoever is terrorizing her is the exact opposite of what I was instructed to do. But I’m doing it anyways. Someone wants her, and I have no idea why.
“You know,” Theo says as he joins me across the street in the vacant house, “this is diametrically opposed to what Nix told you to do, right?” I didn’t think he’d be able to stay away long. Theo knows me better than anyone else in the world. The asshole likely knew I’d be here before I even made the decision.
“Yup,” I mutter as he hands me a beer and I pop the top open, taking a long drink. I wait for whatever else he has to say.
“You think she’s done with you?”
I don’t. “I think she’s been fucking burned so bad that the prospect of sharing her pain with someone else is unbearable.”
“That’s deep,” Theo mutters as he picks at the label of his bottle.
“She had a kid,” I say, unable to imagine the heartache she went through losing him.
“No shit?” Theo’s shocked.
“His name was Lucas.” My heart aches for the boy I never knew.
“Where is he now? With his Dad?”
“No.” I shake my head. “He was a stillbirth. She was seventeen.”
“Fucking hell.” My sentiments exactly. “Where the fuck is her family?” Theo is a family man through and through. He’s like me; they mean everything to him.
“She hasn’t told me.” I wish she would have. I don’t like searching through her background without her knowledge or consent, but it looks like I’m going to have to.
“And you haven’t’ sought them out yet?” He smirks with feigned shock.
Holding up the laptop beside me, I wave it at him. “I’m about to. I don’t have a choice any longer.” I’ve been putting it off for as long as I can. Her past might give some indication of what’s going on.
“Who was the father?” Theo asks a question I intend to hunt down first.
“That’s who we’re looking for tonight,” I answer as I pull up a search engine only our team has access to. It’s more invasive than social media and harder to hack than the Pentagon.
“Where’s she from?”
The black screen pops up with a single white search bar, and I type in her name, age, and a short description. “Not a fucking clue,” I reply as my search goes through.
“And you’re going to find out?” He laughs. “Good luck, buddy.”
He forgets that this is what I do best. Uncovering information is why I’m a highly sought-after operative. It might take a while of sifting through other women with her name, but I’ll find my Codie.
The wheel stops turning and up pops a few hundred hits of women with her same name and description. �
��How are you going to narrow that down?” Theo’s skeptical question doesn’t slow me down.
“Easy,” I respond as I hack into the city’s property records and pull up her name. Five minutes later, I have her.
“Jesus, you already had a plan, didn’t you?”
“Don’t I always?” I shrug.
Reading about Codie, her life in South Dakota, her parents, is incredibly sad. Her mom is a school teacher, and her dad works at the sawmill. They live just above the poverty line, and Codie is an only child. Likely because of their financial situation.
Codie always strived in school with her academics but struggled with socializing—not that shocking. She was never in trouble that I can find, and in fact, could have gone to almost any college she wanted on a scholarship.
“Whoa,” Theo mumbles as he reads her bio. “What the hell happened there?” The decline in grades and attendance at school happened months before she became pregnant or I could find any social media posts about her with her ex-boyfriend.
Reading further, I see her dad was injured on the job and began drinking. He was arrested for three DUIs and one public intoxication. Her mom was even at risk of losing her job because of him.
“Fuck,” I hiss when I see medical records showing months of abuse. Codie was in the hospital four times in the five months before the first photo of her and, one, Jason Jones can be found on social media.
“You think her dad was hitting her?”
“Yes.” I clench my jaw.
“Jason has to be the baby’s dad, right?”
After looking the kid up further, I see he’s a spoiled shit who gets his way with anything. Around the time Codie fell pregnant, he and his family moved away to…
“Son of a bitch.”
“You think she knows?” Theo speculates.
Jason Jones has been a resident of Summersville, West Virginia for nearly three years. If Codie weren’t house stricken, I’d think she would, but the fact that she never leaves leads me to believe she has no idea.
“I don’t,” I say, looking up this Jason Jones guy. I don’t know if this person invading Codie’s life is a stalker or something else, but I do know this ex should be the first person looked at.
“College, huh? Must be nice for the kid.” Yeah, must be. Codie didn’t get that option. “What does your girl do for a living, man?”
“Something or other about online shopping. She filters orders and payments from some website.” Glancing up, I see no new movement from her house, so I continue my search of Jones.
“And she bought this house?”
“No. Before she had Lucas, she met a decent caseworker from DCFS. Codie was homeless for a bit. The woman took her in. When she found out that she’d lost the boy, she gifted her this house. I guess the woman’s father lived in it, and she never had the heart to sell. All Codie has to pay for is the land taxes.”
“Lucky break.”
Very lucky. She could have ended up anywhere if not for this woman.
“Feel like paying this guy a visit?” I gaze over to Theo, and even in the dark, I see anticipation in his stare. Theo loves nothing quite as much as a good fight. And if anyone has ever deserved to have someone fighting for them, it’s Codie.
Codie
* * *
“One, two, three.” I inhale. “Three, two, one.” I exhale.
“Try without counting now, Codie.” Amy, my shrink, talks soothingly through the phone while I try a few yoga poses she sent me in an email this morning.
After everything that’s happened over the past week, I needed a voice of reason. Someone to understand what will be helpful to me without me having to say it. Even though I haven’t a clue what it is I require.
I rarely do.
But Amy reads between the lines successfully.
“Tell me about him,” she requests, and I pause. “Don’t stop.” She doesn’t even have to be here to know I’ve paused in my movements.
Continuing my exercise, I talk a little about Ryder. “He’s kind. Noble. Understanding. More than anyone I know.”
“How does he make you feel?”
That’s a loaded question. “Alive. Hopeful.”
“And you sent him away?” Her tone gives away her confusion.
Stopping all movement, I place my hands on the mat in front of me and level with her. “He doesn’t deserve the hell I’ll bring to his life. He should be able to go out and not have to worry about me. He shouldn’t have to tear his entire team away from training because I freak out.”
“You had reason to freak out, though. Someone was trying to break into your home.” True.
“I know.” Lord do I ever know.
“When’s the last time you opened your door because you wanted to, Codie?”
“Days,” I whisper.
“How about we try now.” Her suggestion comes out more like a command.
Grabbing the phone from its place beside me, I stand. “One, two, three.” I count my steps as I walk to the newly locked door. Exactly three deadbolts. Just like before. Only this time, we know I’m the only one with keys.
“Start with the bottom,” Amy encourages. She’s talked about switching up the routine of unlocking, trying to break my habit of counting. It’s been unsuccessful so far.
“One.”
“Now the top.”
I pause as I automatically reach for the middle. “Two.” I lift my hand to the one above and turn the mechanism.
“Lastly, the middle.” I know she wants to say, “without counting”, but once I start, I can’t stop.
Grasping the metal, the smooth feel of it between my fingers brings a sense of relief, as well as terror, when I turn the final lock. “Three,” I barely breathe out.
“Now the handle.” I can sense her holding her breath as I slowly reach for the doorknob. Turning it, I close my eyes and force my arms to pull the door open.
“Breathe,” she whispers.
I remain frozen as my anxiety amplifies from the feel of a light breeze as it brushes across my exposed flesh. I should have changed from my shorts and sports bra into pants and a t-shirt.
“Breathe,” Amy murmurs again.
“Breathe, Codie,” a masculine voice commands, and my eyes pop open in shock.
“Ryder.” His name comes out on a small puff of air. Standing in a pair of running shorts and no shirt, his chest glistens with sweat as he steps forward into the doorway.
“Ryder Morrison?” Amy questions.
“Yes, ma’am.” His voice is husky, out of breath. His eyes are inquisitive.
“I’m Amy Stevens. Codie’s therapist.” I can hear them conversing, but I’m incapable of adding anything intelligent to the conversation, so I remain silent.
“She’s told me about you,” he responds, taking the phone from my grasp and holding it higher in the air.
“Good. I’ve got another client coming in a couple of minutes. See if you can help her keep that door open for, at least, five minutes, longer if possible.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Codie?” Amy calls out. “I need to hear your voice. Tell me you’re alright.”
“I’m alright,” I parrot.
“Good, I’ll talk to you in two days.”
“Bye,” I mutter as the phone clicks, and Ryder sets it on the table beside us, standing just barely inside the door. I don’t have time to ask him why he’s here before his mouth descends on mine, and his hands are tangled in my hair.
My eyes close, my body hums to life, and for the first time since I made him leave yesterday…I breathe.
A deep, life-fulfilling breath. One that eases the pain and absorbs the beauty.
Pulling me fully into his body, I’m pressed into his chest, and I feel his heart beating out of control with mine. The flesh of our stomachs touch and I gasp from the heat exuding off of him. He takes a step back, and when I would ordinarily freeze up, he deepens the kiss. Plunders my mouth with his tongue in slow sensual slides. I focus
on the feel of his grip tightening in my hair. I let loose my inhibitions and allow Ryder to take complete control of our actions.
I don’t panic.
I don’t fear it.
I don’t worry.
I simply savor him in all his strength and glory as I try to give as good as I get.
Grasping his arms in my hands, I touch each ridge and bump. Trace his muscles and remember his power as his hands glide down my back, tickle down the backs of my thighs, and climb up under my shorts to grip my ass in his palms.
Picking me up, he turns so my back hits the door, and he presses his hard length into my core. My moan comes out louder than I intended, and Ryder begins kissing along my jaw and down my neck. Biting as he goes, leaving what I’m sure are small marks.
“Ryder,” I gasp as he rocks into me.
“Stop fucking pushing me away,” he growls in my ear. Shivers race up and down my spine.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Finally voicing my fears is a bit liberating.
“Dove,” he groans. “You can’t hurt me.”
“I wish that were true,” I whisper as he places his forehead to mine.
“I’ll show you,” he vows and takes my mouth again.
My body lights up for him in anticipation, and I know things are about to change between us. I know he won’t accept anything less than all of me.
Lord, help me, I want him. So much.
I ache down to my soul with this passion building inside my body, and no one but Ryder can take it away. Relieve my desires.
“Tell me yes,” he pleads in between kisses.
“Yes.” I barely have the word out before he’s slamming the door shut and locking it. Our lips never part as I hear each deadbolt slide home.
His taste makes me dizzy with lust, and as he walks to the stairs, I realize that I didn’t count. I expect my anxiety to rear its ugly head, but all I feel is the longing to be with this man.
Ryder
* * *
I don’t know what I was thinking when I came over to Codie’s. I stood at her door for a good ten minutes before she opened it. Being away from her all damn night then spending hours tracking down her ex, I wasn’t willing to be apart from her any longer. Even though I hadn’t thought of a reason to make her believe that we are meant to explore this connection we share.