by KL Donn
“Alright.” That’s more or less what I wanted to hear.
“Why?” His gaze narrows on me.
I don’t know Theo well enough to be completely honest with him, but I do trust that he’s an honorable man. “You know that Nix was here.” It’s not a question. I get the feeling they all know what each other is frequently doing. “Actually, he made a few valid points.”
Theo nods, not disagreeing with me. “Go on.”
“Well, Ryder appeared unimpressed with my progress yesterday.” That still hurts like hell. “And I guess, when he comes back, I want him to want to come see me again.” I blow out a deep breath because admitting it out loud—how I failed another person—isn’t easy. Especially when they’re coming to mean so much to me.
“Progress? What progress?” His head tilts in confusion.
I almost smile until I remember how ignored I was. “I stepped outside the back door. Ryder came in while I was there, and I suppose it wasn’t enough.” I try to shrug off the hurt and look away from him.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” An enthusiastic smile erupts on his face, and a weight lifts off my shoulder. “Codie, that’s fantastic!” This was what I anticipated from Ryder.
“Thanks.” I turn my head sheepishly.
“Don’t take his reaction to heart. He and Nix really got into it. Worse than they ever have. Ry needs some time to clear the cobwebs, but he’ll be back.” Theo places a finger under my chin and lifts my head, so I have to meet his stare. “Don’t think for a second that what you did was anything less than amazing.” I nod. “Good. Now be careful, be aware, and call if anything happens. Try to keep things locked up on opposite sides of the house you’re not in.”
“I will. Thanks, Theo.” This time he nods before jogging down the steps and to his bike parked on the street.
Shutting the door behind me, I gaze around my house with plans in mind to transform my life and give myself a mini fresh start as I begin opening windows to let the breeze filter through.
Chapter 13
Ryder
“Are you sure you’ll be alright, Ry?” Hayes’ mothering skills have been put to the test the last two days, and she’s taken every opportunity to push her way into my business. After spending some time with Levi and his brothers at their mechanic shop, and seeing the easy comradery they have with each other, I can’t say I mind much. Hayes and I were that close once, and after this visit, I feel like we’re almost there again.
“Yeah, kid, I will be.” Being home has done wonders for me. My head is clear, and I feel like I’ve seen the light. Dad has always been my sounding board, and after a long talk with him, while Mom hovered, I was able to gain a bit of perspective. He helped me to understand Nix’s worries about the potential of Codie being a distraction. And while I don’t agree with his methods, the text updates I’ve been getting from Theo certainly seem to prove that maybe Nix was right.
“You make sure you apologize to her.” My sister points her finger at me with a scowl. We stayed up late last night talking about Codie, and I shared some of her story with Hayes. After she drug out how I left things, my sister was pissed. More so than when I came home.
“I will.” She has no idea how much I will.
“And you’ll video call me soon, so I can meet her.” It’s not a question.
“As soon as she’s ready.”
“And you’ll find her parents?” That more than anything else angered the little spitfire. She was ready to go knocking on doors and kicking asses—or rather, sending Levi in to do it. Thankfully, my brother-in-law had seen the direction his girl was going and sent her to bed.
“After I apologize.”
“And grovel. You can’t forget to grovel. Because she deserves that.” Tears well in Hayes’ eyes again, and I pull her in for a hug as my flight is called to board.
“I’ll grovel,” I promise, kissing her forehead as Levi holds her back and gives a wave.
“Call me when you get home!” Hayes yells as I hand security my ticket. “After you grovel!” I shake my head at her and gesture goodbye as I’m waved through the line.
Lord love the girl, but she has no filter. Lucky for her, that’s one reason Levi loves her so damn much. Never thought I’d see someone so big and intimidating as him fall for such a hellion like that sister of mine. But their love is what movies are made of. Never could anyone miss the way they adore each other. Until I saw them, really studied them as a couple, I didn’t believe in soulmates or true love. They were an enigma to me.
I know my parents love each other deeply, but I’d never seen them look at each other the way Levi, and even his brothers, look at their girls. But coming home this time, I recognized how much love Dad has for Mom.
It was undeniable.
I wasn’t a believer before. But I sure am now. And I believe that the feelings that are unfolding inside me for Codie are going to become exactly what I’ve been witnessing for days.
Now to get home and do that groveling Hayes says I have to do.
Codie
* * *
I’ve spent the last day and a half working on creating a better flow in my house. Making it work for me, rather than me working to hide from the world. I moved my desk in front of the big window in the living room/den so that even when I’m glued to the screen for hours on end, I can still see the wonder of nature and life surrounding me. I got rid of the blackout curtains and enlisted Theo and Weston’s help to pick up new ones I ordered online from Target. They grumbled at first but relented when I promised food.
We’ve gotten to know each other a little better over the last couple of days, and though they’re Ryder’s friends and teammates, I feel as though I can call them friends now, too. Even after I insisted they didn’t have to help move some of the heavier furniture. They persisted and worked on it after finishing their training during the days.
Ryder hasn’t contacted me since he left, and while I can sometimes feel myself falling into a sinking hole of depression, I remind myself of what Theo keeps claiming.
He needs time.
If anyone can understand that, it’s me. Time is either your enemy or your friend. In this case, I’m hoping friend.
Gazing out the window, I can see storm clouds rolling in, and I hope I’m able to continue with my exercises before the rain dumps down on the city for what the weatherman is predicting to be the largest rainfall of the year.
Every hour, I’ve been stepping outside for just a few minutes at a time. Getting my body used to feeling what the world is like before the anxiety takes over and I’m crippled with fear.
Today, I plan to try for an extra step forward on the front porch. A neighbor looked at me like I’d lost my mind last night when she was walking her dog and saw me. In all honesty, it was probably the first time we’d ever made eye contact.
I smiled as she passed and even gave a little wave. She frowned and hurried her dog along. I forced back the feelings of inadequacy and doubt and stayed out for a few more minutes, trying to keep the faith I had flowing through me.
Opening the front door now, the breeze feels cool. The scent of rain is in the air, and I get the urge to dance in it like when I was younger. Sitting on the doorjamb, I spread my legs and feet out in front of me instead. Accepting that I can do this and handle the emotions and memories as they bombard me.
“Mommy, watch me!” I was five when I discovered how much fun running through puddles could be. “I love my boots!” I can hear little me screaming from the driveway as my mom gazed upon me in the middle of a stormy afternoon.
Those boots were the best part of my young life. They meant I could run and play, splash as much as I wanted to, and Daddy wouldn’t get mad at me for ruining my tennis shoes.
“Quickly, Code, or you’ll catch a cold.” Mom smiled so much when I played in the rain. She would laugh and cheer me on from our front door as I kicked up the water and squealed when it splashed me back.
“But I wanna live in the rai
n!” I remember wishing for a Paddington Bear every day after that. The one with the rainhat and jacket. I prayed with all my might for that bear. When Christmas finally came, and he was sitting under the tree, I grabbed my coat and boots, and lucky for us it was a warmer winter, so we had more slush than frozen snow. For hours, we played outside, discovering the world around us.
I was free to be a child. Being loved by parents who would later abandon me wasn’t a worry on my mind. Losing a child of my own hadn’t occur to me.
I feel a tear slip free as I remember when life was good. I don’t brush them away, I embrace them. I accept my loss, and I know it’s time for me to heal.
For early afternoon, the neighborhood is quiet, and I enjoy the solitude the work week provides as I begin to spread my wings. Learning to fly on my own is not nearly as harsh as learning to breathe again after Lucas.
I haven’t been home to visit his grave since the day I buried him. I cried and cursed so much that day, and all the ones before and after, that it’s blurred together. It seems silly, but I don’t have a single untainted memory of Lucas. Even pregnant, I was filled with resentment, harbored so much anger for everyone that left me to fight my way through the scariest months of my life.
My parents for kicking me out.
Jason for calling me a whore.
His parents for throwing money at me like I was a problem to be solved.
Myself for being weak. For abandoning my hopes and dreams because of such a tragic loss.
Forgive to heal.
Amy says it to me every time I call her in a panic. The forgiveness isn’t for those who did me wrong, but for me. So I can move forward. I have to let go of the bleakness in order to embrace the lightness.
Much easier said than done.
It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I’m afraid once I do, I won’t have anything left to fight for. I’m terrified that if I move past the anger, hopelessness will take over and I won’t escape.
One, two, three. I hear his steps.
Lightning blinks across the sky as I look up to see Ryder jogging past my house.
One, two, three. He’s past the hedges.
I hold my breath, wondering if he saw me. If he missed me as much as I missed him.
One, two, three. He’s back.
I climb to my feet. Even from the street, I can see the huge grin across his face as he notices me outside of my comfort zone.
Ryder takes a step forward.
My feet move.
He takes another.
I do, too.
He runs forward, and I find myself on the top step of my porch, unable to go further but elated as he comes to me. Seeing him opens a crack in my heart, beats down the walls I’ve been erecting for years.
“Ryder,” I sigh into his neck as he picks me up and holds me tight.
“I’m supposed to grovel,” he mumbles in my hair.
“You are?” I say. Uncaring that I’m no longer covered by the porch overhang.
“Yeah. Hayes was insistent. Whatever you want, it’s yours. Anything. The sun, the moon, stars. Ask for it, and I’ll make it happen.” With the serious tone to his voice, I have no doubt he’d do everything in his power to make it a reality.
“You. I just want you, Ryder.” There’s nothing more in the world I want than him.
Dropping me to the ground, I feel grass between my toes, and before I have a moment to panic, his lips are on mine in a deep kiss that I feel down to my feet. His hands span across my back, dragging me in as close to his body as I can get, and I savor it.
This is the moment.
The one everyone craves. The one where they know beyond anything else that they’ve done it. They’ve found the other half of their soul.
This moment is ours.
As our kiss breaks apart, the sky opens the flood gates, and I feel it…
Rain.
For the first time in two years…I feel life. I feel cleansed. Forgiveness. Hope and healing.
“I missed you, dove,” Ryder murmurs into my ear as I try to hold him a little bit closer.
“I missed you, too,” I whisper back as my toes flex around the blades of grass. It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything but carpet, linoleum, or hard wood under my feet that I’m overwhelmed, and I begin to cry. My body shakes, and Ryder gazes at me with worry in his eyes.
“Let’s get you inside.” He picks me up, and I want to protest but all the emotions are colliding, and one stands out among the rest…
Panic.
“My meds,” I hiss out as he steps through the door. I know this is going to be a doozy of an attack as he places me on the couch that is now against the bare wall where my desk used to be.
His hands leave me as he goes in search of what I need; meanwhile, I’m held captive in the dark recesses of my mind as I’m brought back to the day where I started to spiral out of control. Where my life felt like it was coming to an end.
“Codie,” my mother cries brokenly. “How could you be so foolish?” My father stares at me like I’ve crashed through the house with my car.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, full of remorse and sadness.
“Sorry doesn’t fix the problem,” Dad snaps with a scary look in his eye. “Where’s Jason? Why isn’t he here telling us with you?”
My lungs seize as I try to get the words out. “Jason,” I croak out and have to clear my throat. “wants nothing to do with me now.” I look away from them as I say it. Jason had been so angry with me. Like it was my fault both birth control pill and a condom failed us.
“Can you blame him?” my father barks, and Mom now wails. A blade pierces my heart. “You’ve ruined his life.” Ruined? “He had his entire future ahead of him. Now you’ve gone and fucked up for the both of you.”
“I didn’t mean for this to happen.” I try to reason with the man I’ve only ever wanted to love me.
“You’ll have an abortion.” He levels me with a glare. “Your mother will take you in the morning.” He says it like it’s final. Like I have no choice.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I take a stand. “I won’t.” I’ve kept the secret of a life growing inside of me for three weeks now, and I’ve come to love him or her like they’re already here, and I won’t discard them like waste. I can’t.
“Excuse me?” He turns a lethal glare my way, and I nearly cower. But I know I have to remain resolute or I won’t be able to hold my ground. “Young lady, you are seventeen and still under my roof. You will do this, or you’re out.”
“Clark!” Mom finally speaks up. “Codie can’t do this on her own.” She comes and grips my hand in hers, wanting to help me but torn between the two people she loves most. I’ve never doubted her love for me, only my father’s, and today proves what I’ve always thought.
He doesn’t care about me.
“I won’t have a whore living under my roof. She has the abortion, or she leaves.” He crosses his arms and lifts his chin, the snarl of a snake on his mouth as he challenges me.
Gazing at my mom, I know what I have to do, even if it hurts. “I love you,” I whisper.
“No,” she whines. “You stay. Clark, she can’t leave. She’s our baby!” My father has made up his mind and won’t be swayed.
“It’s okay, Mom. I’ll be okay.” I kiss her cheek, grab the bag from beside the stairs I suspected I was going to need, and walk out the door of the only home I’ve ever known.
The wood slams.
Locks click.
One, two, three.
Thunder claps.
Ryder
* * *
“Min ‘anat?” The masked man asks in Arabic again as another kicks my legs out from under me. I only shake my head. I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. My lips are so swollen, I can barely feel them.
“Tahadath 'aw 'amut amrykyh.” Another man snaps. I’m already dead, so what’s the point?
“Go fuck your mama,” I spit out.
Dropping my body to the gr
ound, all four men begin kicking me. Trying to cover my head with my arms, I feel when a rib cracks. When my wrist breaks. A gash in my skull.
All the pain, the agony, writhing through me right now is nothing compared to what I know is coming. My team thinks I’m dead. My country will have no record of me. My family has likely already grieved for me.
Maybe mouthing off wasn’t the best idea, but I won’t die without a fight. And a fight is what they’re in for with me.
“Ryder?” A soft voice breaks through the violence surrounding me. “Ryder, wake up.” Soft hands brush my face. This isn’t right, she shouldn’t be here.
Startled, I blink rapidly as the fog of my past falls away as quickly as it came. Codie sits above me, a look of worry upon her face. While her eyes are haunted from whatever overcame her, I hadn’t even noticed when she passed out.
“What time is it?”
“Nearly two in the morning,” she whispers.
Jesus. After I was able to penetrate the cloud of her own nightmares and get her to take the Ativan, I passed out not long after. Maybe mid-afternoon.
“Shit.” I scrub a hand down my face as I sit up from my position on the floor in front of the couch where I’d lain her down.
“Are you alright?” Her tentative question has me looking up to her.
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” I haven’t had the nightmares nearly as often in the past few months as I did the past, but when I do, they can be long-winded and violent. I’ve never had one with anyone around except Theo or Weston.
“No.” She shakes her head. “But you were moaning, and it sounded like you were in pain.” I was. Then. As it happened. But it got so much worse after that day.