“And?”
“And what?”
Harper was waiting for him to go into a Lucas-style lecture about her reckless acrobatics, but he didn’t seem fazed. All he did was pick everything up and situate the hats back in their boxes.
“You okay to move? Donovan wants to start as soon as possible. Rebecca is driving him crazy with questions. He figures if he can get her on stage, the only things coming out of her mouth will be scripted.”
“If she can finally remember all of her lines.”
“Exactly! Let’s go.”
“Hey, Jeff, do you have any chocolate in your kit?”
Harper’s ankle was a little more tender than she wanted to admit, and she was feeling incredibly foolish about her little stunt. A raspberry chocolate square and a few ibuprofens would have gone a long way to soothing her. She was also expecting to see a bruise on her left hip, where she’d come down pretty hard during her tumble. She didn’t want to pull focus, and she wasn’t exactly dying, so she decided to suck it up and get on with rehearsal.
By the time they got into the car to leave, Harper was in full low-blood-sugar-and-in-pain, bitch mode. She’d already snapped at Jeff twice and told him outright she was done schlepping for the night. He ended up striking most of the rehearsal pieces himself. He did it all without complaint.
“I seriously need food and none of that health food crap. I want a burger. The greasier and sketchier the location, the better.”
“At your service.”
“Is the apartment as stocked as your kit with first aid stuff?”
“Yup, what do you need?”
“Ice pack, drugs, and an ace bandage. I need to wrap this damn ankle. I can feel these shoes cutting off my circulation at this point.”
“Why didn’t you say anything, and you kept walking on it all day?”
“Nobody likes a whiner, especially in theatre.”
“Well, at least that explains your funky attitude. I thought I did something to you.”
“No. I’ll be fine.”
They did find a hole in the wall burger joint near his neighborhood and got their food to go, since the place only had counter seats and all seven were taken. Harper sat in the car while Jeff went in. The process of looking for parking on a New York City street in any borough was daunting and to be avoided whenever possible. It was easier to leave someone in the car double parked or in a red zone. While she waited, Harper shot off a text to her sister about her day. It was typical sister banter for a while until Harper stopped responding. Mira didn’t worry, though. It was her way. The reason she stopped was the fact that, once again, Mira had brought up Lucas. Having a hard time keeping him from creeping into her every waking thought was hard enough without her sister piling on.
So, u gonna act like u don’t understand
the question?
I understood.
So, ur ignoring me?
Get off my ass!
Sounds like someone should get on it, after today.
Bye, Mira! TTYL
Tossing her phone into her bag, Harper was all fake smiles and chatter when Jeff got back to the car.
“Well, with the way it’s leaking through this bag, I’m going to say we are squared away in the grease department. Now, let’s get you home so you can ice and elevate that ankle.”
Once at home and dressed in shorts, a t-shirt, and warm socks, Harper hobbled to the sofa and flopped back. She was exhausted from doing so little. Her ankle ballooned the moment her foot was out of her shoe. She was irritable—well, irritated with Jeff due to his extremely laid back response to her crisis. Of course, she’d told him she could handle things on her own in the bedroom, but she had driven herself to tears, realizing she was more bruised (and in more places) than she had thought. Hopping around on one foot wasn’t as cool as it used to be in the third grade, and dealing with her injuries backstage would be no piece of cake, either. In pain, feeling stupid and helpless had Harper reaching for her phone, while she pouted at the end of her bed, more than once. She wanted to call and tell Lucas what happened. Even if she knew he would scold her for what he would consider her damned reckless regard for life and limb, she also knew how comforted she’d be just hearing his voice. That made the tears start anew. She didn’t bite Jeff’s head off on purpose, but he wasn’t doing what she wanted or needed, and she couldn’t tell him that, so instead she lashed out. The irony wasn’t lost on her.
She found Lucas too overprotective, but she wanted to shake Jeff for not being overprotective enough. Harper didn’t need a therapist or her sister to point out that she was stark mad in that area of her life. Her feelings and thoughts on the matter were still scrambled, and adding Jeff to the mix had been a decidedly bad idea.
Joining her on the sofa, Jeff pulled her to his side. If he noticed her lack of desire for a snuggle, he covered it well.
“So, one leg, you up for a movie?”
“Jeff, I took a PM pain pill, so I’m hoping it and my food digest at the same time and that I’m out like a light in the next thirty minutes.”
“You could fall asleep on me like you used to whenever we tried to stay up late studying. How is it that you can stay up all night working on a show, but when you’re studying, the second you were tired you just had to close your eyes?”
“I don’t know. When I’m tired, there isn’t enough caffeine in the world to keep my eyes open.”
“I remember. Rest, and if you doze off, I’ll carry you to bed.”
Knowing she had to put a stop to any hope he might still be harboring, Harper pushed herself off of his chest and turned to face him.
“Jeff, you know how much I love you, but we are not going down this road again. I’m sorry if I did or said anything that made you think I would. Moving to New York was never my dream. You did it, and you’re doing great, so we both know there’s no chance that you’ll go backward and come to Arizona. That’s my home, for better or worse. Yes, I needed a break, but I’m not ready to quit it for good.”
“I don’t think we ever gave us a fair shot. What would it hurt to try?”
“Everything. It could hurt what we have, and I don’t want to lose or risk that. Long distance would never work for me, Jeff, and I just told you I don’t see a scenario where moving here for good is an option.”
“Well, go on. I can hear the unspoken but.”
Harper got comfortable again but left a good amount of space between them. It was a long overdue talk, since her arrival. Jeff had been tossing signals her way for weeks, and she had made a conscious decision to treat them as overly friendly gestures instead of the actions of a man making his move. She wasn’t the Mystical Rose, but she wasn’t a tease, either.
“For a long time, I missed what we had in college. You were my go-to guy, my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, and you have this easy-going spirit that reminded me so much of my dad. Honestly, I always thought we’d be one another’s just-in, you know, just in case nothing else worked out. It was like our paths had to go different ways for a while, but eventually, they would cross again.”
“Exactly. This is what I’ve been saying, Harper.”
“That only works if, at some point, we both still want the same things we did at nineteen.”
“I do. It’s you.”
Jeff was as open and vulnerable as Harper had ever seen him. His voice betrayed the outer strength he was trying to display. Reaching for her, ever so slightly and subtly, he withdrew his hand as she made no move to meet him partway.
“We’re comfortable, but I don’t believe we’re destined,” she said. “I’m not sure you even know the real me anymore. I’m a snapshot of a girl you knew, and a sneak peek of a social media persona. Fleshed out, Jeff, I’m more like the messy finger painting of a preschooler. I always thought I wanted, needed, someone who would let me live out loud, at all costs. No boxes. No rules. No stop signs. It turns out that might not be what’s best for me at all.”
Not being stopped by
her lack of reciprocation, Jeff reached out for both of her hands, clutching them in gentle desperation. How would he make her understand that they belonged together?
“Just so you know, I’ve always preferred abstract art. Harper, accepting a relationship on your terms has never been a problem for me, and neither has waiting. Maybe you need more time. We haven’t been out of school that long. Maybe you have more wild oats to sow.”
“Maybe I would just end up hurting you and destroying us both.”
Her dropped head was a physical surrender to the emotional weight that sat upon her shoulders, head, and heart daily. Harper did her best to avoid that level of out and out rejection from the moment Jeff, drunk, had kissed her at a show’s closing celebration and professed wanting more than a physical relationship. Each time she gave in to her physical desires, she allowed a part of her emotional well-being to be stripped away. It was too much compromise in an area where she knew she should be most cautious. When he lifted her chin to meet his eyes, she knew she was about to do it again.
He captured her heart with his look and eased her apprehension with his touch. Running his hand down her cheek, under her chin and back, it was on the third pass that Harper found herself leaning in. Her head knew better, but his touch was nice, and she wanted it. She was missing the touch of a man’s hand. She missed being skin to skin. Getting swept up in the kiss wasn’t part of the plan, but they did share a history. Maybe it wouldn’t end in disaster. The hands she placed on his chest were meant to give her some breathing room, to think or resist, but it became encased in his muscular arms and against his broad chest. Kissing Jeff was different than it was with Lucas, but Harper could never classify it as bad.
Chapter 14
The Morning After and a Show
Sunlight seeped in the window, fractured through the blinds, and created a horizontal pattern on the opposite wall. Watching the light patterns vary with each subtle wind change the blinds made kept Harper distracted while she waited for a similar sign of life from the man currently at her side. Looking at Jeff’s sleeping form, his face relaxed, and the rise and fall of his chest forced Harper to focus on her breath and his. In that stillness, all she could do was think. His arm draped on her abdomen, and the tips of his fingers settled against her hip, with every inhale, he pulled her a bit closer. She was trapped, and she had no one to blame but herself.
As soon as she felt him begin to shift one way, she countered in the opposite direction, the way actors did on stage. Rolling away, she was down on the floor at the side of bed, quietly listening for his snoring to once again deepen before she moved.
Washing up as quickly and noise free as she could manage on a still-tender ankle, Harper was out of the apartment and taking a slower than brisk New York City morning walk in search of coffee and a clearer head. She knew her actions had deeper meaning, but each time her mind got near to what it was, something inside backed off. She couldn’t bring herself to deal with her loss or the fear that crippled her when she thought about losing the people she loved. Having Jeff to fall back on was comfortable in the moment, but each encounter was more deeply cocooned in guilt and self-loathing. Knowing he wanted more and that she would never give it because she didn’t see him as her future was playing dirty, and it needed to stop.
Morning air and a double shot of Cuban espresso might force your brain into focus, but it wasn’t exactly the liquid courage she needed. Harper circled the neighborhood two more times before she accepted that she had no choice but to go back to the apartment. They needed to get ready to go in, and she knew he wouldn’t still be sleeping. On her last loop, she had her coffee refilled and picked up another for Jeff. Even with the ankle wrapped and her feet stuffed into her high-tops, she knew she’d overdone things. She would not be taking her foot out of her shoe until they got home later that night. If she did, she would never get it back on.
Music and the smell of bacon filled the air. Jeff was in the kitchen, and the double doors at both ends of the long room were open. She would not be slipping by him quietly, so she opted for brazen.
“Now, this is what a girl likes to come home to after a brisk walk. A sexy man cooking in an apron and boxers. It does seem a bit daring, though.”
“Glad your ankle is better enough to get around on. And this is only a danger to my cholesterol.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of grease splattered nipples.
“Ouch! Thanks for putting that in my head.”
“Sorry. Do you want me to grab you a t-shirt?”
“No, I like living dangerously. You are aware that I keep coffee here, right.”
Harper was prudent enough to look away abashedly. It sucked to be ditched, and obviously, he wasn’t so sweet that he didn’t want her to know that he knew it was precisely what she’d done to him the first chance she had.
“I know, but I couldn’t fall back to sleep and thought there was no need to keep us both up. You weren’t having any trouble.”
“Vigorous activity will do that to me. It also has me waking up with a ravenous appetite.”
“I can see. How much bacon is that? I promise I’m not going to eat that much.”
“Not to worry; bacon keeps.”
Harper left his cup on the counter and attempted to leave out of the closer set of doors.
“So, you don’t want to do this now?”
Apparently, courageous conversation time was happening sooner rather than later. Looking at his sweet, gentle demeanor and kind eyes made Harper feel lower than low. Jeff wasn’t someone to take advantage of, lie to, or use as a rebound.
“Jeff, I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry? For what?”
“I— I think sleeping together was a mistake. No. It was a mistake, and I should— I should have—”
“Should’ve what, Harper? We’re both adults, and you couldn’t have been more transparent. You always have been. My head and my heart love and hate that about you, in equal measure, by the way. I’ve never been what you saw as your happily ever after. I accepted it a long time ago. Sure, I wanted more, and I even hoped when you called for a little getaway work that this might be our chance, but your heart is someplace else. You didn’t have to say it. You’re one of my best friends. If I can’t read you, I can’t read anyone. I need to apologize. I clouded up your stuff with my stuff.”
“You did not force me into anything I didn’t want, in the moment.”
“You wanted to forget about whatever or whoever is occupying your space back home. I knew that, and I still pushed. I enjoy sex with you, Harper; that’s not exactly a secret. Men can be just as manipulative as women, sometimes. I knew if ever there was going to be one more go round for us, it had to happen last night. Tell me you haven’t spent the morning thinking about the million reasons you regret what we did and how to get home as soon as possible.”
“Jeff, you know I wouldn’t trash your reputation or mine by breaking a contract. I don’t have any problem working the show. We just need to stay vertical when we’re around each other. It would be so easy to take all of the comfort you offer, but I can’t love you the way you deserve, and you deserve the best. Total devotion.”
“I hope he deserves it.”
“I’m working on figuring that out. I think he does. I’m just scared to give in to everything I’m feeling. Sorry. This is incredibly shitty and selfish of me to talk to you about this.”
“You’re my friend. It would be selfish if I didn’t listen. Why don’t you take your shower first and I’ll finish my bacon cooking? Then we’ll swap. BLTs for lunch!”
Harper walked over and hugged him with all her might. Standing on tiptoes, she gave him the sweetest kiss on the cheek, hoping it conveyed all of the appreciation and affection she had for him.
“We’ll talk on the drive in.”
“We’re driving in again? I thought you said you only did that when you had a bunch of crap to take in.”
“Well, two things. One, I feel like
you’ve done all the hobbling you should on that ankle today and, two, I don’t think this is a subway conversation.”
“Probably not. Eres demasiado bueno para mí, Jeff.”
“Nah, nothing is too good for you. Always remember that, Harper.”
Harper, Jeff, and the rest of the crew were on their tenth toast of the night. The show had an incredible run of previews, and even Harper was a bit sad that she wouldn’t be with the company for the rest of the journey. She’d finished the contract, as promised, and the producer and even the director came to love her. They offered to keep her on as they finished work-shopping it and, hopefully, once they got picked up at a Broadway house. Part of her felt unbelievably undeserving. Sure, she had done the work, but she’d used the whole deal as a means of running away from her life and knew there was no way she could make that level of a commitment to them. Her conscience was cleared by the fact that she knew this would be a career changer for some other lucky, starving stage manager in the city.
Her bags were packed, and she had a sundress hanging on the outside of Jeff’s closet for her flight home the next day. She would toss the blacks she was currently wearing in her carry-on so she didn’t have to have Jeff fight with the zipper on her single checked bag. Harper refused the offer of one of Jeff’s suitcases so she could split the bag up. For what the ticket cost, she was adamant that they weren’t getting her for an extra bag. It somehow managed to make the weight cut off, but the bag was full to bursting.
The talk she had had with Jeff after that awkward night of sex that shouldn’t have happened turned out to be even more courageous than she imagined. Her best friend had some hard truths for her to hear. Over the final weeks of the show, she faced her daddy issues, her fear of commitment, and her misplaced anger. She couldn’t believe how many tears one shoulder could hold, but he caught them all, and she loved him in an even deeper way. Jeff knew where her demons were buried, and he made her dig them up. She even told him about Lucas and the spanking. Once she convinced him not to get on a plane and beat the shit out of Lucas, he actually helped her understand things better and accept that she might not only like a more dominant man in her life, but maybe she also needed one. He basically echoed Lucas’ sentiment that sometimes what we need shows up in completely different packaging than expected. Most importantly, he helped her be okay with herself, if that was what she decided.
Sharing Backstage Page 13