by Fiona Faris
“Do ye miss yer mother, lass?”
“I do, but I was so young. I think I miss the feeling of my mother more than I miss her. You know that feeling of safety and warmth. We didn’t get that from father.”
“Aye, I miss my Da every day.”
They continued to walk in silence. Amelia searched deep for the confidence to ask what she really wanted to know. Finally, as they rounded the corner into the section of the garden devoted to healing herbs for teas and poultices, Amelia found her voice.
“Gavin, what happened in the library this morning? Does that happen often?”
She watched as he pulled his hands behind his back and walked a little bit in front of her. Had she gone too far? He was a hardened warrior who had suffered untold horrors at the hands of his English captors, and she herself was English.
He plucked a bloom of purple heather from one of the plants and turned, tucking it in the loose plait of her hair before speaking.
“It’s only happened a time or two. I doona like tae discuss it, as ye can imagine. I feel like I owe ye an apology lass.”
His voice never raised above normal speaking tones, but Amelia sensed the insecurity is his words, and her heart ached for him.
“Whatever would you have to apologize for? You’ve been through hell, Gavin. You cannot expect anyone to hold that against you.”
“A warrior who loses control of himself at loud sounds is nay someone ye’d want on the front lines of a battle. It’s nay all th’ time. I cannae tell when it will occur or when it willnae.”
“I knew you didn’t know I was there. You were somewhere else. Do you have any memory of it at all?”
“Nay, lass, the only memory I have is of ye bringing me back to myself, and for that I thank ye.” She wanted to confess to him that he called out her name, but she didn’t know how he would feel about the revelation.
“Is there anything I can do for you? Maybe we can speak with Ella, and she could think of a solution or tincture that could ease your mind?”
“Absolutely not, ’tis bad enough I had an attack in front of ye. I willnae bring Ella intae this. I’m sure it will fade with time. Like I said, it doesnae happen that often.”
“But I’m sure if you would simply speak with her…”
“Lass, I willnae, just as ye won’t tell her yer real reason for bein’ in th’ Highlands.” He brushed a finger down her cheek. “It seems we both have our secrets, at least for now.” She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand. She didn’t understand fully why he wouldn’t seek Ella’s help, but she did understand pride, and Gavin had enough pride for them both. She didn’t want to argue with him, he had revealed so much to her about himself, and his wounds. He sighed and placed a light kiss on her forehead. It was a gentle sign of affection, and Amelia relished it.
“Lass, I have tae return tae MacKenzie’s keep for a fortnight or so, I have some unfinished business with Nathan regarding some land. I would like tae officially court ye when I return if ye’d allow it.” She wasn’t sure she heard him correctly. He was leaving, but he would return, and when he did, he wanted to court her?
As in marriage? It was something Amelia had never considered for herself, but the thought of being with Gavin for the rest of her life did something to her insides. She took both of his strong hands in her own. After everything they had seen and been through, would a proper courtship be something they could manage?
“Gavin…I,” He placed a finger to her lips, not wanting her to try and speak until he was finished.
“One more thing, I want yer word ye’ll nay say a word about this morning to Ella or Lucas, and I want ye tae promise tae stay away from Cabduh.”
Amelia couldn’t bring herself to give her word, while she knew she could avoid confessing his trouble to her sister, she knew she would not give up trying to find a way to secure an invitation to Cabduh keep. Yet, she couldn’t trust Gavin to understand. Not wanting to lie to him, she simply nodded, and he smiled.
“Aye, that’s good lass, verra good indeed.”
Chapter Seven
The noon sun had not even fully risen in the sky, and Gavin was exhausted. If his day was any more trying, he might as well give in and return to his bed chamber. Between the incident in the library and Amelia’s insistence on getting to Cabduh, he was spent. At least, he could leave for the MacKenzie keep knowing he had her word that she would not try to leave for Cabduh on her own.
Why will she nay just give up her search?
He thought about what she’d said about Milly not giving up on him, and a small pang of emotion fluttered in his chest. A strong woman was a force to be sure, but Gavin still couldn’t help but think that if the lad was alive or willing to be found, she would have done so already. Unless he didn’t know his own origins, which Gavin supposed was possible. In his experience, a highlander of honor would not keep secrets from a child. But what if the child in question was never reunited with his birth father. What if he was raised some other way?
“Mayhap if I agree to help her with her search?”
“Did ye say somethin’, milord?” One of the keep’s maids looked up at him from the hearth in the main hall. Gavin had not only realized he had spoken aloud but was so lost in his thoughts of Amelia, he hadn’t realized he’d wandered so far from Lucas’ study which was where he had intended to go.
To be on the safe side and to ensure Amelia would not attempt anything foolish in his absence, he intended to speak with his brother. Someone needed to keep an eye on the lass. He had already lost her once.
The mere thought of that day in Perth made him shudder. He would not lose her again. He knew that day was the memory that played over and over in his head that morning in the library, and the two times before when he had lost time. He desperately wanted to know how to end the pain in his mind, but not enough to bring it to Ella or Lucas, not yet. He was a warrior, a fighter, he’d meant what he told Amelia, he couldn’t bear for the men to look at him differently.
* * *
Gavin always felt a strong sense of home when entering the study that was once his father’s and now served as his brother’s. The portrait of their grandfather wearing full plaid that hung above the hearth on the old stone wall served as a reminder of the importance of clan. As a lad, Lucas had spent hours in this room while their father took council with one clansman or another, learning about what it took to be a laird. Gavin had never been jealous. The time Lucas spent learning from their Da had given him free reign to learn in the bailey how to be a fighter. He was also free to wander the library, where he read accounts of the great empires of the world, fascinated the most by the conquering Romans.
“Ye ken, it’s good tae have ye back, Gavin. If my bonny little wife is right, it’s somethin’ I doona tell ye enough.” It was amazing that Lucas didn’t even need to look up from his ledgers to know it was Gavin who had entered the room.
“Aye, brother, there was a long time I didnae think I’d ever be back.”
“Is that why ye’ve spent so much time away as of late? It seems ye spend more time with Milly at the MacKenzie Keep an’ not here, where ye belong.”
Lucas was right, Gavin did spend most of his time either wandering throughout the Highlands or with Milly and Nathan. Nathan had granted him a small parcel of land just outside his keep, halfway between the two clans’ land. Nathan had also connected Gavin with several of his contacts from his days as a bounty hunter.
“Have ye even spoken to Ma while ye’ve been here these last days?”
He loved his brother, but Lucas was laird now, and Gavin felt aimless. Being at Cadney, although always home, held too many hard memories. Being his twin, Milly, was the other half of him. She didn’t judge or expect too much of him. It was easier than wandering the halls of Cadney, forced to face the ghosts that would not die. Ghosts of his Da, ghosts of the man he could have been and ghosts of the man he thought Lucas still expected him to be.
“Och, Lucas, ye ken I have. She came dow
n for th’ feast. As for bein’ away, ye ken I’ve land and work that keeps me away.”
“And if yer clan has need of ye?” Lucas had always been the practical one. Gavin knew there was no one more suited to the role as laird. Constantly worried about the clan’s well-being, the next famine, or the next battle.
“If the clan has need of me, ye only have tae send word. Ye ken I will be at yer side, brother. I didn’t come here tae fight.”
“Aye, I suppose not. Why did ye come then?” Lucas scratched at his newly grown beard as he eyed his brother with skepticism. Gavin guessed the boys, and the bairn on the way may have had a thing or two to do with the touch of grey that highlighted the rough ginger.
“I’m leavin’. Headin’ out to my land. I’ve some loose ends that need tyin’ up, I expect I’ll be back in a fortnight.” Lucas stood, moving to the window with both hands behind his back. He looked so much like their Da that a small touch of sorrow hit Gavin.
“I’m glad tae hear ye’ll be comin’ back so soon. I’m forced tae wonder if Amelia may have somethin’ tae do with it?”
“Aye, she does.”
“Gav…” Lucas shook his head. His tone was one Gavin didn’t like. “Of course, ye just met her, so I’ll nay insult ye askin’ about love. Ye’ve just met the lass. As Ella’s sister, and with no living family tae speak of, ye need tae ken Amelia is under my protection.”
“Love is unnecessary to marriage. You and Ella are lucky, we all aren’t so much.”
“Ahh, Gavin, but ’tis sweet when it’s found. I could only hope th’ same for ye as I’ve found. Let’s not forget Milly and Nathan are a love match as well. If not for love, then what are ye speakin’ of marriage for?” Gavin watched as Lucas' eyes grew a shade darker, and a twitch showed itself at the corner of his mouth. He knew that look. His brother was getting ready to fight. “I’ll nay have ye compromise th’ lass. Not under my roof!”
“I mean tae court her, Lucas. She will be mine. Love has nothin’ tae do with it. I aim to win Amelia with or without yer blessin’ and, in the meantime, I’ll be needin’ a favor from ye.” Gavin saw no reason to lie, at least about his intentions. He knew that Lucas was unaware of his history with Amelia, and he wasn’t going to betray the lass’ confidence by explaining it to his brother. He certainly wasn’t thinking about love. Although he was drawn to her, and he wanted her for his, love had nothing to do with it.
All would come out in time, Gavin was sure. In the meantime, the lass was under his protection, not his brothers, although that meant she was under his clan’s protection as well. Lucas had his own wife and bairns to worry about. It was only while he was away he wanted his brother to keep watch over the lass.
“And what favor would that be?” Lucas held his teeth tightly clenched. Gavin knew that were he anyone else, his brother would have already cast him out of the library. But despite the years apart, they were still brothers, and that afforded him more trust than he deserved.
“The lass is stubborn.”
“Aye, like her sister, the both of them, stubborn as mules. If I didn’t ken better, I would think there was a Highland ancestor in their family.” Gavin couldn’t help but smile. If Amelia was right, perhaps there was indeed.
“Aye, and while I’m away, I’m askin’ ye tae keep an eye on Amelia. She may try her best tae get herself in trouble. Can I trust ye tae keep yer eyes out? Doona let her talk ye intae anything.”
“I’m nay a bairn, Gavin. Do ye really think I cannae handle the women for a fortnight?”
“Just give me yer word, Lucas, please.” Lucas let out an exasperated sigh and waved Gavin off.
“Ye have my word. Now leave me. I’ve real work tae do, and cannae be fussing over ye and Amelia.”
Gavin knew it would be better if he could tell Lucas all of what Amelia may be up to, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to reveal it. He would deal with Amelia when he returned, at least now he could trust she would stay at Cadney and out of harm’s way.
Chapter Eight
“Ella you’re so big I’m sure that baby will be born any moment.” Amelia smiled at her sister.
“I know,” Ella replied, rubbing her stomach affectionately. “I’m hoping for a daughter. I know Lucas would love to have a little girl running the place.” They were sitting on a plaid in the meadow that overlooked the loch. It was so peaceful in Cadney, Amelia knew why her sister fell in love with the place, and with the gentle highland laird she married.
She let out a sigh. Gavin had occupied her thoughts over the last week more than she cared to admit. He aimed to court her, that was what he had said. It was preposterous. They shared one intimate kiss and one even more intimate moment. There was no way to ignore it, she was drawn to him. But for him express a desire to court her? That was very… well, proper.
It had been easy to keep her word to Gavin, and if she were being honest with herself, she hadn’t tried to break it, not necessarily by choice. The opportunity had not presented itself. It was as if Lucas was purposely avoiding her. She only saw her brother-in-law at the evening meal where he was typically busy with clan business. She didn’t feel she had been in Cadney long enough to take precedence over the issues of the clan, even if what she was asking for was urgent to her. Yet, it was suspicious that she hadn’t had any opportunity to speak with her brother-in-law alone. She wondered if Lucas knew of Gavin and his intentions to court her, so he kept away for fear of revealing the secret.
Ella was also unknowingly doing her part, keeping Amelia more than busy with work in the castle and spending time with the boys.
The more time she spent with Ella, the more she wanted to confide in her. Amelia didn’t relish the burden of their father’s shame. Yet the further along in her confinement she became, the more fearful Amelia was to add any worry to her sister so close to the birth.
“Amy, you’ve been quiet these last few days. Is something troubling you?” Amelia looked at her sister. So sweet with her legs folded under her skirts and the sun shining down on her hair.
“No, Ella, all is well.”
“Good, because I don’t think I could bear it if something were, and you didn’t feel you could confide in me.”
Amelia wished more than anything she could tell Ella everything, but she couldn’t, not yet.
* * *
Amelia had spent the afternoon watching the men practice maneuvers in the bailey. She was so engrossed in how the men moved as if one instead of many, and the way they fought each other with fairness and honor, so unlike British garrisons she had seen, that she lost track of time.
Rushing through the castle to meet her sister to escort her to the evening meal, she was surprised to find Ella with her husband, Magnus, his wife Kelly, and the one they called Derek in the center room of the keep.
“Absolutely nay, lass,” Lucas was saying to Ella. “’Tis a horrible idea.”
“Well, someone needs to go. We cannot leave them with no healer,” Ella implored.
“I agree with Ella,” Kelly said. “But I also agree with the Laird. Ella ye cannae mean tae travel in yer condition, let alone expose ye an’ the bairn tae illness.”
“I know, I know, but those poor people.”
“Those poor people are not my wife, carrying our bairn!” he shouted.
Amelia walked into a very serious conversation, indeed.
“What poor people?” She moved next to Ella, wrapping an arm around her sister, unsure if she should ask, but it seemed only right, Ella was distraught.
“A neighboring clan is sufferin’ a rampant outbreak of fever, and their only healer has succumbed. They sent a messenger, an’ we dinnae let him through th’ gates for fear of spreading the illness, but they are askin’ for our help, a healer, or someone knowledgeable enough tae go,” Kelly said. She was holding tight to Ella’s other hand, and Amelia immediately understood that Ella would not want to stand idle by while someone suffered that she would be able to help. Yet, Amelia agreed with Lucas and
Kelly, her sister was too heavy with child to render assistance.
“I can go,” she said. “I’ve not as much experience with herbs and concoctions as my sister, but if they have no one, surely I’m better than letting them die.”
“We canna ask ye tae dae that, lass. I swore to keep ye safe,” Lucas said. She tried her best not to roll her eyes. She was no helpless child. She was a grown woman who had travelled the entirety of his country alone for the better part of four years. Yet, she had to remember he was unaware of her past and of course, it was Gavin who must have asked him to keep her safe, who else?
“With all due respect, Lucas, you aren’t asking. I’m offering.”