‘Why do you always think I want sexual favours from you?’
‘Because that’s what everyone wants from me. Or maybe you want me to solve a mathematical equation for you, or paint you a portrait in the finest watercolours?’
‘Of course not, but it must be sad.’
‘What?’
‘To think that the whole world always and exclusively revolves around your . . . er . . . thing.’
‘The whole world does always and exclusively revolve around my . . . er . . . thing.’
‘That’s absurd. I really don’t want it. I mean . . . I don’t want anything like that. I just want to make a deal with you.’
Marcus lit another cigarette. That one small act – the pursed lips and squinting eyes, the flame held close to his face, his hand cupping the end to protect it from the wind – was enough to make her hormones run riot. A deep and persistent tug somewhere low down in her body – way down, below her heart and her stomach – led her to wonder if there wasn’t some truth to what he said. She had a terrible suspicion that she wanted him as her mysterious lover. One look at Marcus and her whole old-fashioned romantic ideal of two lovers holding hands in the moonlight and promising eternal love completely went out the window. All she wanted was to shove her tongue down his throat, et cetera et cetera. Oh, and how she longed to do that.
But right now she was here to offer him something quite different and, despite the damn blaze of desire that had lit up in her loins over the last ten days, she needed to keep up appearances and remain inscrutable.
‘I want you to be my bodyguard at night.’
‘What?’
‘It’s only two blocks – just from the bar to my front door. I won’t ask anything else of you.’
‘Well, like I said, you wouldn’t want me to paint you a watercolour,’ he said, laughing without conviction. ‘That’s the second thing women usually ask of me: first it’s sex, and then self-defence. You’re not exactly being original here.’
‘I don’t want to be original,’ Penny snapped. ‘I want to stay alive!’
Marcus maybe recognised that her anxiety was genuine, because the smirk was instantly wiped off his face. ‘Who is this person that wants you dead?’
‘Just someone. I’m not going to bore you with the details.’
‘And this guy actually wants to kill you?’
‘Not kill me necessarily, but . . . um . . . as you might say, bother me.’
‘I don’t like that kind of guy, but I can’t have anything to do with this. If I get my hands on him, I’ll kill him, and I’m not going back to prison.’
‘I knew it.’
‘Knew what?’
‘That you hadn’t done time for killing a good person. I just knew you had to have been dealing with some piece of shit. Anyway, look, I’m not asking you to kill anyone, just . . . walk with me, OK? If you’re there he won’t even come close. He’s a coward.’
‘They always are.’
‘But this guy’s an above-average coward.’
‘You don’t want to report him?’
‘He’s never actually done anything to me, except the one time . . . and it wasn’t serious enough to go to the police. So far it’s mainly just threats, but tonight he was at the bar and I’ll admit my heart skipped a beat or two. I slipped out the back exit and got all scraped up. I’m all my grandma’s got – I can’t go dying or get into trouble.’
‘And what do I get out of it?’
‘I told you, I’ll keep playing the part for your parole officer.’
‘I can handle my parole officer all on my own, thank you very much. I just have to avoid seeing Francisca for a couple of months, pay the rent and hold down my job.’
‘Her name is Francisca?’
‘Huh?’
Penny found the name strangely discomforting. Francisca Lopez. She imagined her to be tall and sexy, with dark hair, killer legs, great breasts and cruel eyes. You could tell he was just crazy about her. She wondered how it would feel to be loved by someone like Marcus.
She instantly dismissed this as total fantasy and went back to the reason she was standing there now.
‘If Francisca needed help, wouldn’t you be glad there was someone to help her out?’
‘Francisca can take care of herself, but I know what you’re saying. Well, OK then, but I want more in return.’
‘I don’t want to sound like a broken record but I’m not giving you my thing.’
Marcus laughed, and this time he seemed to find it truly funny. ‘Look, no offence, but I hadn’t even thought to ask. I was thinking of something more useful, OK?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like money.’
‘You want me to pay you?’
‘You want a bodyguard, don’t you? That’s a paid service.’
‘It’s not like I’m swimming in cash.’
‘I didn’t say you were. I’m pretty broke myself and an extra dollar is an extra dollar. Shall we say a hundred a week?’
‘You’re insane! Where do I find that kind of money? Oh yeah, I know, I could go prostitute myself with Grant, but then I wouldn’t need your help anymore. How about thirty?’
‘Thirty? That doesn’t even buy my cigarettes. You get what you pay for.’
‘And what exactly am I paying for? I’m asking you to walk beside me for two blocks, that’s all!’
‘It’s for accessory services.’
‘I told you I don’t want “accessory services”. Forty – take it or leave it.’
‘Sixty? I’ll even carry you over the puddles for sixty.’
‘Fifty and that’s final, and if there’s a puddle, feel free to dive right in, OK?’
Marcus laughed again, shaking his head, and every cell in Penny’s being started to throb in unison. They shook hands to seal the deal; his felt huge, warm and a little rough, and Penny’s atoms went into secret orgasm.
‘I want the first week paid up front,’ he said. ‘Pay me tomorrow if you don’t have it tonight. Now, just wait here a moment. I’ll tell them I’m leaving and we can go.’
Night was just turning to dawn and the sun was moments from breaching the horizon. Penny had stopped looking around in fear. She wasn’t afraid when she was with Marcus, and she wasn’t afraid of him either. Yes, he’d been in prison for killing a man, he looked terrifying, and his personal vocabulary was decidedly foul-mouthed, but Penny knew she was safe with him. He really was monstrously tall. She felt like a tiny crumb alongside him, and wondered what it would feel like to lay her head on his chest. The whole time they were walking, the particles in her body screamed like a gaggle of Beatles fans. She coughed to cover up the noise, paranoid that Marcus might somehow hear them.
‘So the name of this asshole is Grant?’ he asked.
‘Yeah. Sounds decent enough, doesn’t it?’
‘So where’d you find this guy?’
‘At the bar where I work.’
‘And you weren’t suspicious? Quite honestly, it’s a shitty place. I have no idea why you’re even working there.’
‘It was close to home and they hired me. The Maraja, where you work, didn’t want me – seems like I don’t wear enough make-up.’
‘Yeah, well. Basically they only want women who look like models.’
‘Is your sensitivity included in the fee?’
‘I didn’t think it was in the job description to have to pay you compliments.’
‘It wasn’t, no, but you don’t have to be offensive.’
‘I wasn’t trying to offend you. You’re just short, OK? Did you think you were some kinda supermodel?’
‘First, I’m not short, you’re just huge. Second, you’re a jerk.’
‘I didn’t say you were ugly. You’ve got your own thing going on, for someone who likes . . .’
‘Likes what . . . ?’
‘Women like you.’
‘That’s enough, thanks. Anyway, Grant looked like a normal guy at first, maybe more polite than average,
even – the type who opens the door of the car for you, or pulls your chair out so you can sit down, or brings you flowers and chocolates.’
‘Those types are always perverts, but you women get screwed by all this bullshit about the perfect gentleman. I’d never dream of bringing flowers, chocolates or crap like that to a girl.’
‘Not even to Francisca?’
‘Never!’
‘You say it like someone told you to cut off your balls and pickle them.’
Marcus laughed for the umpteenth time that evening.
You don’t like me, but at least I can make you happy. I’d like to make you happy in other ways too, but there’s no hope of that.
‘Ah well, almost!’ he exclaimed, pulling his cigarettes from his jacket pocket.
‘Well, to put it your way, I did get screwed. After a couple of cosy dates, he quickly showed me once and for all that he’s no superhero. He completely flipped out.’
‘He attacked you?’
‘We were in this romantic spot, full of nice couples, up on a hill with a view of the night sky and everything else, and then out of the blue he basically ordered me to . . . um . . . to . . .’
‘Give him a blowjob?’
‘How did you know?’
‘It’s easier to ask for a blowjob than have full-on sex with a bunch of other people around.’
‘Well, he didn’t ask exactly, and as for you, you cut right to the chase, don’t you? Always straight to the point.’
‘I use the words as required. Does it bother you?’
‘No . . . strangely not. Actually, I guess once you say these things out loud often enough they lose their power.’
‘I’m not talking this way to upset you. It’s just the only way I know.’
‘There’s a whole beautiful array of other words out there, should you choose to split hairs, but no matter.’
‘Returning to the asshole, how did you manage to stop him?’
‘I had a bobby pin in my hair that night, so I jabbed him . . . um . . . there . . . and ran away.’
‘You did what?’ Marcus paused with his cigarette in mid-air, staring in open admiration at her audacity.
‘I didn’t hurt him enough unfortunately, because ever since then he’s been haunting me wherever I go – only verbal threats, and never when anyone else can hear.’
‘That kind of guy can’t get it up to save his life, trust me, but they’re dangerous anyway, because they’ll cut your throat in frustration when they can’t get a hard-on.’
‘Quit talking like that with the old people in the building, will you, or they’ll all drop dead and you’ll be back on the stand for manslaughter!’
‘Right now, you’re the only person I talk to like that – you’re the only person I talk to at all, in fact.’
‘Really?’
‘We’re here.’
Penny shook herself and saw their apartment building up ahead. His language was direct and colourful, devoid of sentimental frills, but she was concerned by the idea that Marcus didn’t have anyone else to talk to besides her. Though that didn’t exactly scare her, even if she was starting to feel an overwhelming interest in him that went far beyond his ability to protect her in her current situation. It wasn’t just your everyday sexual attraction, which would have been entirely normal for any hot-blooded woman who didn’t get to see much action. No, this feeling was plain confusing – something to do with her ribcage, the pounding of her heart and her inability to breathe whenever she was around him. This was not good, whichever way she chose to look at it. Having a crush on someone with the body and face of a Greek statue, who spread pheromones with his every stride, who loved a woman with an exotic name, and who saw Penny as the slightly less intriguing equivalent of a garden gnome, must be the first step on the path to grief and sorrow.
6
MARCUS
Francisca’s gonna wonder what happened to me, and that pisses me off. Unfortunately it’s the only way to distract those assholes and make them believe we’re not going to see each other again. They have this stupid idea that we’re dangerous together, but we’re even more dangerous on our own. Our past is a whole lot more tragic and violent than your average person’s. We met at sixteen, and we’d already been through so much by then. Two misfits without a future and too much of a past behind us. She got bounced from family to family, and I got taken away from my mother. I never knew my father. The first time Francisca and I laid eyes on each other, we both thought, You are me, I am you. We’ll never be alone again. We stayed together, united in body and spirit, until that asshole tried to cut her face and we took care of him. If we hadn’t had the kind of past we did, we’d probably have been allowed a plea of self-defence – we were attacked and provoked. But what happened will mark us forever.
I’m having a cigarette and some woman starts chatting me up, when luckily Penny arrives out of nowhere. I don’t know why I say luckily – maybe because this woman’s putting me off. Maybe because I enjoy talking to Penny, even if she’s not much to look at. Maybe because when you look in her eyes, you think, She’s twenty-two all right, but she definitely hasn’t visited all the bases yet. I don’t know much about her but I’m rarely wrong about such things. And also, she’s strong. She always looks me straight in the eye, and I can tell I make her uncomfortable sometimes, but only when her throat flushes red. I don’t do it on purpose, you know – I’m just like that. I live on bread and beer and not beating about the bush.
We make a pact: I walk her home and she pays me. Not much, but cash is cash. It’s relaxing being with Penny, actually. My mind stops racing when I’m around her. Usually I’m a mile a minute, running, acting, thinking, thinking, thinking about the past – digging up all the memories I’ve tried so hard to bury over the years. My head always feels like it’s being bombarded by amphetamines, even though I never take that shit. When I’m around Penny though, I stop thinking about it all. She’s like one of those cartoons for kids who are lucky enough not to have a mother who’s a prostitute, like mine was. Me, I never got to watch that kind of cartoon.
In any case, I’m planning to offer her a bonus in exchange for my fee. If she trusts me, I’ll give her some lessons in self-defence. She’s not going to be able to count on me forever. I’ll be gone in a couple of months, and that maniac could still be out there. A few strategic moves, some tips on where to hit harder . . . I never had to teach Francisca a thing; she was already wise to everything she needed to know.
The judges are idiots to think we’re more dangerous together than alone. At twelve, Francisca set fire to her stepfather’s house after whacking him with a baseball bat. At fifteen, I plunged a pair of scissors into the back of my mother’s lover.
7
She ran into him on the way back home from the library. He was on the way out. They met at the door of the building, just as she was putting her key in the lock. The smell of his body hit her first. He was wearing old trackpants and a white shirt glued to his skin with sweat. Penny’s tongue nearly hit the floor. She needed to get a grip, erase the fantasies that flooded her mind whenever she saw him, and take control of the atoms bouncing and squealing within her, stunned at so much abundance. She swallowed hard, pretending not to notice the six-pack bulging under his T-shirt, or the veins pumping along his wrists.
‘Hey,’ he said, and Penny composed herself, afraid he wanted to back out of their agreement or raise his fee.
‘I can’t give you more than fifty dollars,’ she murmured, staring down at the key in her hand and her nails. ‘It’s a lot of money for me already, you know.’
‘I’m not asking for more money. I wanna give you a gift.’
‘A gift? What kind of gift?’ she asked, blushing.
Marcus laughed mockingly and shook his head. ‘You say I’m the one with a one-track mind, but I just know you’re always thinking about it too! Well, it’s not the gift you’re hoping for.’
‘I’m not hoping for anything.’
‘
Sorry, but you’re not the greatest actress, little lady. You definitely want me, even if you won’t admit it. You’ve wanted me a long time now, but it’s simply not gonna happen. We. Will. Not. Fuck. Is that clear enough?’
‘Maybe if you say it a little louder, they’ll be able to hear you down the block. I wouldn’t want them to feel excluded.’
‘They wouldn’t hear me even if I screamed right in their ear. The youngest person around here is seventy years old. Anyway, I thought I’d teach you some self-defence moves.’
‘Me?’
‘Tell me, aren’t you the one getting followed around by that asshole?’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yeah. Let’s start right away.’
‘Now?’
‘It’s never too late to learn how to hit someone who tried to force you to give him a blowjob.’
‘Fine. Let me go tell my grandma I’m with you.’
‘Just give me time to shower, OK?’
Penny nodded. She resisted the urge to beg him not to change, to remain just as he was, all sweaty and barbaric. She needed to look but not touch. Maybe if she repeated that enough times to herself she’d get it through her thick head.
Upstairs, Penny walked into the apartment, where Barbie was humming and busy making cookies.
‘Why don’t you go get some rest?’ Penny told her, because Barbie was scattering flour all over the place, pouring it into a sieve that she’d no doubt mistaken for a small bowl.
‘You know, I think I’ll do just that. I cooked and baked all day for those little ones, but they were driving me crazy. I’m tired now.’
Penny felt a lump in her throat but kept on smiling. ‘I’m going up to see Marcus for a few minutes,’ she explained, thinking maybe Barbie wouldn’t remember him, or that she’d mistake him for one of her class who’d been giving her a hard time maybe, but her grandma surprised her.
‘Oh, that handsome man of yours! He reminds me of when I was a girl. I’m glad he moved here and you two got together. So, when do you plan to get married?’
‘I don’t know yet. We need to get to know each other a little better first,’ Penny said, walking around the kitchen and tidying up along the way.
Trying Not To Love You Page 5