by Dale Mayer
“You’ve said that many times.”
“I’m hoping, when I get to that point, I’ll be more than happy to have children, but, if not, I don’t know.”
“But you said you are willing to explore that?” He took his eyes off the road and looked at her. “Did you mean it?”
She nodded solemnly. “I really want to. With you.”
He knew she’d make a fantastic mom. But she had so much baggage from her childhood and from her own mom. A lot of work needed to be done. “Let’s take one day at a time and see how we do,” he said.
“I can do that,” she said in a soft voice. “And thanks for waiting.”
He pulled into a local burger joint that had an all day breakfast menu, and they exited together with Top Hat following enthusiastically, his nose sniffing the air. Lucas wrapped his hand around the leash and let Tanya lead the way. The waitress didn’t even bat an eye when Top Hat entered with them. They sat at a booth and Top Hat lay under the table.
The waitress brought over glasses of water and menus.
Lucas already knew what he wanted. “Can we order right away?” he asked.
“Sure,” she replied and took out a notepad.
“Double burger, everything on it, fries on the side, chocolate shake. Four hamburger patties, nothing on them, no bun.”
She nodded, turned to look at Tanya. “Uhm, I’ll have a single burger, with cheese, ketchup and mayo, strawberry milkshake, please.”
“No side?” the waitress asked.
Tanya shook her head. “No, thanks.”
When the waitress left, they each leaned back in their seats and let out deep sighs. It felt like the first chance they’d had to relax and breathe since all this started.
Before they knew it, their food was placed on the table. Lucas sliced up the patties for Top Hat and set the plate at his feet. Top Hat ate as they did, fast and efficiently. Nobody was talking, the food was that good.
Lucas got one text toward the end of dinner from Detective Madison, saying he hadn’t tracked down the officers, so please show up at the station and let him know once Lucas signed in at reception.
They arrived at the station a short time later. Lucas said, “Do you want to stay here until I check this out?”
“I’ll stay with Top Hat,” she said. “Text me if we are supposed to be in there answering questions.”
He nodded and headed into the station.
Chapter 13
Tanya sat in the passenger seat of Lucas’s truck and waited. Top Hat crashed on the backseat. Meg sent a text acknowledging she received Tanya’s earlier text. Other than that, Tanya sat quietly, contemplating how much her life had changed. She really did want to go see her mother, to find out if it felt any differently now. She felt ashamed for walking away for so long. Especially when it came to her brothers. Not so much about her mother though. Walking away was one thing—staying away was something else altogether.
Sure, it had not been an easy childhood for Tanya, and she had felt justified leaving to make her own life, but sometimes one needed to have things highlighted and behaviors acknowledged in order to change them.
She also had to go back to work tomorrow, and that was a bit of a challenge too. She hated her current job, but there wasn’t much chance of changing it right now. She still had rent to pay, so she would work tomorrow morning regardless.
As she sat there, she remembered her old company and the pain of being fired. Such a humbling experience. Especially for embezzlement. Which she’d finally been cleared of, but the stigma had stayed. She pulled out her phone and opened an internet page. She typed her former boss’s name into her phone to see if she could find more details about his family.
When the door opened suddenly, she had been concentrating so hard, reading various hits from her search that she was startled. She gasped as Lucas hopped back in the truck. When she caught her breath, she asked, “So?”
“There might be more questions, but they don’t have anything right now. It’s chaotic in there. Head to your mother’s?”
“I was wondering something while you were inside. I don’t suppose any of the bad guys are related to my old boss?”
“Related in what way?”
“Any way,” she said with a laugh. “Just wondering if he got rid of me at someone else’s request. You know? A reason to explain why my world blew up. Everyone is wondering that, but what about proof?”
“Let the cops do their investigation first. Where is your mother living these days?”
As soon as Lucas pulled out of the parking lot, Tanya said, “Still in the same place.”
“I remember where that is,” he said.
“How could you? That was a while ago.”
“Sure, but we drove past it a couple times. Even though you always wanted to disconnect that tie, you haven’t been able to. That’s what family is all about,” he said with a smirk.
“It’s not fair though,” she said. “We should be allowed to disconnect at times.”
“In some cases, people do. But you have a lot of time, energy and love invested in that family.”
“And yet, I tried so hard to walk away.”
“And maybe you should look at why.”
“Because I’d had enough,” she said. “It was basically slavery. And I’m sure a lot of kids feel that way when they’re growing up. I had to get away in order to change the status quo.”
“And you did,” he said. “Nobody’s judging you for that.”
“No?” she cried out. “I’m judging myself. I feel like I let them all down. I should have stayed. I should have helped them because Mom was such a terrible mother. I feel like, by walking away, I basically deserted them too.”
“But you waited until she came back out of rehab and waited until she was much more stable before you walked away, so you gave all of them the best chance possible.”
“I don’t think it matters,” Tanya said. “I knew in my heart she wouldn’t be a good mom.”
“Do you blame your sisters for walking away?”
She looked at him, startled. “Of course not. They did what they needed to do. Two left to go to college and get an education, the other two left to find good jobs.”
He looked at her and smiled. “So why is it that they’re okay to walk away, but you aren’t?”
“Because I was the surrogate mother,” she stated bluntly. “They never were.”
“But they could have been, right? They could have stepped up and taken your place so you could leave. They didn’t. They left because they were looking after themselves.”
“I urged them to leave,” she said. “I knew they had no future if they stayed there.”
“You got two out. The next two were well on their way, and the twins were coming up behind. How can you still blame yourself for not sticking around?”
“An oversize sense of guilt I guess,” she said. “Not to mention the bonds you form when you’re growing up. It still feels like I could have done more for them all.”
“Sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’ve done what you could, and, for your own sake, for your own sanity, you have to walk away. I don’t know what you were like when you first left, but I can’t imagine it was an easy decision.”
“I was desperate,” she said. “I hadn’t slept in a long time. I’d lost so much weight that people were starting to notice.”
“Exactly,” he said quietly. “You might hate that you weren’t strong enough to stick around, but the bottom line is, you did what you could. You were still a child. Your own health suffered, and your mother didn’t care.”
“I don’t know what my mother felt,” she said in frustration. “That’s one of the biggest things about living with a drug addict. They say anything to get what they want, and you can never really believe anything that comes out of their mouth.” Just then she motioned and said, “Take a left coming up.”
He took the next left turn. “Maybe I don’t remember the way,” he said. “I
don’t recognize the area.”
“It’s been a while since we drove past.”
He pulled off to the side of the road. “It’s that one up ahead, isn’t it?”
She leaned forward. “Yes. Two houses up. The lawn is still not mowed. The front still needs a paint job, and the wood around the windows is peeling. I guess the twins aren’t doing anything to keep up the house.”
“They’re fourteen,” Lucas said gently. “The only things they give a damn about are sports, girls and computer games.”
She chuckled. “Isn’t that the truth?”
He nodded. “You want to go see her, or is this enough?”
“I think I need to see her.” Resolutely she pushed open the door and hopped out. And when he didn’t move, she looked at him through the open doorway. “Do you want to come or stay here and wait?”
“I’ll bring Top Hat out so he can walk around and stretch out a bit. Then I’ll join you.”
She gave him a strange look. “Meaning that, if I don’t feel like it’s going okay, if I do feel like going, and I need help, you’ll come and bail me out?”
“Meaning, I’ll let Top Hat have a walk around because it’s good for him, and, in the meantime, you make a decision on what you’ll do,” he said gently. “Don’t make this heavier than it needs to be. Go say hi or don’t.”
She nodded, turned and walked away.
He hated to see how much this tormented her. But there was nothing easy about her family. She’d had no childhood—nobody would judge her for it except herself. And, of course, that was always the worst. He knew he was the hardest on himself as well.
But her mother’s failing health brought a lot to the forefront. He admitted he was surprised at Tanya’s softening stance on family. When he’d come up for Top Hat, he had not expected to be rekindling this relationship. Or maybe he should have because, always in the back of his mind, he hadn’t considered himself free; he’d always considered himself as partnered with her. He’d spoken the truth about giving her space.
Even though they’d clearly broken up, and he knew it was foolish to keep holding on, it had seemed like they hadn’t completed their business. He still loved her, always had.
He gently helped Top Hat get out and walked him down the sidewalk to loosen up his joints. His shoulder was stiff, but he was moving pretty good. He had done a lot this morning and that would impact his healing, set him back a bit. Lucas reached down and gently scratched him under the neck and shoulder.
He took a pic of Top Hat and sent it to the vet. He’s up and moving, looking good.
The text was answered immediately with several happy emojis.
He chuckled, tucked his phone back in his pocket and headed down the street to Tanya’s mother’s house. The fact that she still had possession of the house was amazing. Either there was no mortgage on it or the bank hadn’t found a way to get rid of her. Because he knew, chances were pretty strong she was not making regular payments.
He hadn’t had the experience Tanya had, and yet, every time he had driven by this place, he got bad vibes. By the time he got to the front door, Top Hat was moving in a good rhythm. The shoulder was still sore, as he favored it slightly, but he walked in a much more relaxed manner. He seemed happy to be out. Lucas knocked on the door and told Top Hat to relax and sit.
The door was opened by a young man who looked at Lucas and then at the dog, his eyebrows rising. “So you’re her boyfriend?”
He nodded. “I am. Is she still here?”
“Yeah, she is. Surprisingly.” He opened the door wider and said, “You might as well come in.” He looked at Top Hat. “What’s wrong with him?”
“He was shot,” Lucas said smoothly and stepped inside. He had to admit, if a young woman had been at the door, he probably wouldn’t have said it so bluntly, but, because it was a guy, he thoroughly expected the reaction he got.
“Shot?” Instantly the dog became a hit. He stuck out his hand. “I’m Tom, Tanya’s brother.”
Lucas shook his hand and said, “I’m Lucas. This is Top Hat.”
The kid crouched in front of Top Hat. The dog looked at him warily. “Is he dangerous?” Tom asked.
His twin came over to join them, probably at the word shot. He introduced himself as Tennessee and then crouched in front of the dog. “Is he badly hurt?”
“The vets stitched him up, and he’s moving around now.”
“Why did he get shot?”
“Because a dogfighting ring wanted him for their fights, and he wasn’t cooperating.”
The boys were completely fascinated. “Are you a cop?”
“No,” he said. “Ex-military.”
Both boys gaped at him with a touch of awe. Lucas chuckled. “So, where’s your sister?”
“She’s in the kitchen. Come on.” The boys led him there.
As soon as they saw their mother, one of them piped up, “Mom, I’m hungry.”
The other one said, “Lucas and Top Hat are here.”
Lucas stepped into the kitchen to see the two women at either side of a table with odd looks on their faces as they turned to look at him. “I hope I’m not intruding,” he said quietly.
Tanya hopped to her feet. “Of course not.” She walked over to him, smiled and said, “Let me introduce you to my mother.”
He stepped forward and reached out a hand to shake the woman’s hand. She didn’t seem to know what to do with his but managed to shake it. She nodded when he introduced himself and pointed to Top Hat. “I hope it’s all right he came in.”
She stared at the dog, but he could see she was either drugged out because of the pain or drugged out from something else because almost nothing made an impression on her.
In a low voice, Tanya said, “I think my presence shocked her.”
“I’m sure it did,” he said. “Are you staying or …” He let his words hang.
Her mother hopped to her feet and said, “No, she’s leaving. I don’t know why she stopped by in the first place.” She did sound bewildered.
“It’s to be expected,” Lucas said quietly. “She just found out about your illness. It’s easy to forget about all the things we don’t want to deal with until we realize somebody might not be here later on.”
“There’s nothing for us to deal with,” her mother said sharply. “We dealt with it a long time ago.”
“Did we?” Tanya asked.
“Yes,” her mother said bitterly. “The day you walked.”
“What about every day that you walked out the eighteen years before that?” Tanya asked.
Her mother just glared at her. “I was sick. You know that.”
“You were sick on drugs and alcohol, yes,” Tanya said. “And turning tricks at every corner.”
Her mother gasped and turned to look at the boys. The boys were staring with avid interest.
“Don’t tell me that they haven’t a clue,” Tanya said.
Her mother’s face flushed, and her bottom lip trembled.
Tanya asked, “What have you been doing to support everyone these last few years?”
“I work at Walmart,” her mother said. “Not that you care.”
“I do care,” Tanya said. “When did this start?”
“After you walked.”
“So maybe it was a good thing I did leave,” Tanya said. “If I had stayed, you would have been in the same damn cycle as before. I’m not sure rehab would have done any good.”
Her mother sat down slowly. “Well, it did. I managed to stay off drugs. The alcohol, well, I have a little bit now and again but not too much,” she said, her gaze once again darting to the boys.
“If they have any idea of what you’ve been through,” Lucas said, “I wouldn’t think hiding the truth is any help.”
She turned her gaze on him and glared. “You don’t know anything about it.”
“Only what Tanya has told me,” he said. “I’ve certainly heard lots though.”
“She’s been gone for a long t
ime,” her mother said. “So it doesn’t really matter.”
“I’m also sorry about that,” Tanya said abruptly. “You turned me into a mother and a caregiver instead of allowing me to have a childhood. I had to leave to get an education and to find my own way. Maybe, like I said, it was the best thing. I’m glad you straightened up. I’m glad you raised these boys.”
“I lost the other girls too,” her mom said with a note of bitterness. “Nobody was there to help me.”
“We all helped you as much as we could, but we had to get out to save ourselves.”
Her mother glared at her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said defensively.
“You were trying to get me to turn tricks for you, Mom. Don’t think I don’t remember that,” she said. “The girls had to take off to college as soon as they could, to get away too, before you brought men to them, giving them no choice.”
The brothers left the kitchen—whether they had heard enough or didn’t even notice, they both had peanut butter sandwiches in their hands and were talking about a video game.
Tanya’s mom sagged back. “I try not to bring all the details up with the boys.”
“Ignorance is bliss when you have that option,” Tanya said. “I didn’t have that option, so you can be as mad as you want, but I needed to leave. But I am sorry I left as completely as I did because I think it hurt everybody.”
“We were fine without you,” her mother said in a harsh tone. “So you can just take off now too.”
Tanya sighed. “You know what? You’re probably right. I don’t know why I was even interested in seeing you. I’m sorry about your health issues. If there’s anything you need, call. I’m not doing so great myself right now.” She turned and headed for the front door, and Lucas followed her.
She stopped at the living room where the boys were. “If you guys need anything, give me a shout.”
They didn’t even raise their heads to acknowledge her. She sighed and walked out.
Lucas, on the other hand, pulled two cards from his pocket and dropped them on the floor in front of the boys. “If you guys get into trouble, get in touch.”
They looked at the cards, looked at him and said, “Cool.”