by Eden Butler
He tilted his head when she didn’t look at him, trying, it seemed to fish out a response from her with just the weight of his stare. “You did learn, didn’t you?”
“I don’t think he’d approve of how I mourned him.”
She didn’t expect Kona’s laugh, but was happy to hear it. It had her glancing up at him, grateful for his smile and the ease in the tension that had taken over her body. The big man leaned an elbow on his knee, watching her with his head resting in his palm. “I…uh… talked to Kai. He said you have a type. I can guess what that type is.” Kona shook his head, concealing that widening grin when she jerked her gaze at his face, her cheeks warming. He didn’t tease her. Kona didn’t seem interested in anything but getting Gia past this hurdle. Like Luka, he wanted her to jump it.
“You don’t have to tell him goodbye forever. He’s never gone from us. Not really. Kaikuahine, he’s everywhere. He’s in our memories. He’s in every smile I catch on my son’s face. It’s…such a beautiful thing…to see how it goes on, how that love just keeps on going. It didn’t end with Luka’s death. It never ends so long as you remember to keep living.”
She hadn’t. Gia realized that. She’d spent twenty years pretending. Existing in a circle of memory. Recalling the touch she cherished, the love she’d convinced herself she could never repeat again. In her mind, no one could love her like Luka. No one would want her like Luka. And she’d tortured herself, and every man who’d tried to love her for making the smallest attempt.
“Tell him goodbye,” Kona said, kneeling next to her, his hand resting on her shoulder. “And remember that what he’d want for you would be everything he can’t have for himself.”
Gia sat there as Kona’s steps became quieter behind her, staring at the gray stone and bold black letters and numbers across it.
Luka Makani Hale
Beloved Brother
Selfless Hero
1977-1997
Her heart hammered fast as she thought of all the things she should tell him, all the promises she would break just by saying this last goodbye.
Slowly, Gia got up, falling to her knees in front of Luka’s grave, the breath still in her throat when she noticed the picture secured in the oval frame in the center of the stone. He was so beautiful. So perfect. So young. She couldn’t look at him or those dates, the final numbers that sealed his fate, so Gia pulled the pig from her pocket and held onto it, cupping it between her fingers.
“I’ve been gone a long time,” she told that marker, feeling foolish but hopeful that somehow Luka would know what she’d say before she uttered a sound. “Because I couldn’t…I didn’t think you’d want me to say goodbye to you.” The wind swept around her, and Gia leaned forward, resting her forehead against the tombstone, closing her eyes, pretending for the smallest moment that he was there, that she could smell that rich, sweet scent that always came off his warm skin. If she concentrated, she could almost feel Luka’s arms around her, his fingers brushing the hair from her wet face.
“You were my forever love. My one and only and I couldn’t…wouldn’t let you go.” The pig bit into her fingers when she gripped it, the wings slipping against her knuckles. “We would have shamed them all. We would have had the most epic love story…wouldn’t we?”
“I think, maybe, I could be happily entangled with you…for the rest of my life.”
“You…stupid boy,” she told him, the tears welling up, clouding in her eyes. “You stupid, brave man.” He’d stared at her that last time like there was so much he’d wanted to say but couldn’t quite manage it. Like he thought there would be a hundred more nights like that last one.
Gia knew what she felt was irrational. It was stupid. But the swarm of what she kept buried, what she’d always kept hidden began to surface and those arms she knew were only part of her imagination wrapped closer around her.
“Sometimes I hate you for leaving me,” she told him, the tears falling in heavy streaks now, burning over her cheeks. “I hate you for loving me so much.” She sat up, glaring at that beautiful picture, wanting to hit or kiss it or scream at the unfairness of it all. “I hate you for playing the damn hero.”
Forever love? He’d been so sure of that then. Luka had known, at twenty, what forever with Gia would have been like…if they’d gotten the chance. And he wasn’t wrong. He had been happily entangled with her for the rest of his life. So had Gia. But this wasn’t the rest of her life. The rest of her life hadn’t happened yet.
She wiped her face, knowing her anger was useless. It wouldn’t bring him back. If there had ever been anything that would…Gia would have tried it.
“I would have given up my life…anyone else’s just for you to be here. I would have sacrificed my future, given up my dreams…” She stared at that picture again, her head pounding at the thought of what he could have been, all the beautiful things Luka could have done. “My dreams, my ambition, I would have given them away for you to be here.”
But Gia had never been able to do anything but wallow. She had swum in a pit of sadness. Her grief cloaked her, consumed her. It took hold of her life and she let it numb her from all the things that could have been better, sweeter.
She’d hurt Joe. She’d hurt Kai. She’d hurt so many people because she refused to let go of something she thought she’d never get back. She’d been scared, terrified of what would happen if she lost it again.
“There are a hundred reasons you’ve given me. There are a hundred I’ve told myself, but this thing, Gia, this you and me thing…it feels damn good.”
But she had lost it. Kai had been right. What they had…it had felt so good, so right and she let it slip between her fingers. She hadn’t fought for it. She’d done to Kai what she’d done to some many others: she’d let herself wallow in that pit. But he was different. He was so different from everyone else.
With Kai there was a spark. There was a hum and light that threatened to break her free from the murky bog she’d let consume her for twenty years.
She couldn’t let it dim.
She loved its light too much.
“Luka,” she said, sitting up straight, finally ready for the one thing she never thought she’d ever be able to do. “Thank you for loving me.” Her words were ragged, breaking apart on each syllable. This felt like coming out of a fever—each word stripping away little bits of the past Gia knew she’d never cling to again.
She leaned forward, setting the pig on top of the headstone, staring at Luka’s beautiful, smiling face, reaching up to kiss him one last time. “Thank you for showing me your forever love. You’re always with me. Always.”
She hated to leave him.
She didn’t want to go.
But life was waiting for her; waiting for the chances Luka could never take. He had given her the wings. It was time she learned how to fly.
26.
GIA
GIA LEFT THE STADIUM LIGHTER, freer. There was a weight that seemed unhinged from her and she didn’t think it had been the result of what she said to Ricks or McAddams or anyone staring up at her in the boardroom. But now, as she moved into the lobby of Kai’s building, nodding to the security guard who thankfully let her inside, she wondered if all that grandstanding, all those professions were necessary. Assumptions on her part may have been pointless. It would depend on what happened when Kai answered his door.
The hallway was empty when she left the elevator. The overhead light near the end of the corridor by her former apartment was flickering, threatening to go out, and it drew Gia’s attention as she stood in front of Kai’s door, taking in deep breaths as she readied herself to knock. It had been days since she saw him last. Days since she made the forty-five-minute trip to the Northshore with Kona to say her farewell. She’d wanted to go to Kai that night, make her confessions and her apologies the second she’d spoken her goodbye to Luka. But it had seemed disrespectful somehow to her first love’s memory. At least, that’s what she’d convinced herself of. Cat had called her a c
oward.
“You’re petrified he’ll put you out the second you tell him you want him,” her friend had said, not bothering to hide her grin as she leaned against the freshly wiped wooden bar top next to Gia at Lucy’s.
“I’m not. I’m just…”
“Chicken shit.”
Gia hadn’t bothered arguing with buzzed-Cat logic. Not when Wilson appeared, and that buzzed logic threatened to become couple-logic. Gia hadn’t believed she could handle that.
If she was honest, Cat was more right than Gia would ever let on. Part of her M.O. was to conceal and deflect. It was how she’d survived so long without any real damage to her ego or her heart. Now, though, standing in front of Kai’s door, her hand curled into a ball ready to knock, all those protective safeguards went out the window. He could say no. He could tell her to fuck off.
But she had to risk her heart and her pride.
She’d promised herself and Luka she’d begin testing those new wings.
Gia inhaled, lifting her hand to the door and tightened her eyes shut, knocked twice before she lost her nerve. She hated the anxious rumble in the pit of her stomach and the slip of her usual control that seemed to only vanish when she was around Kai.
It was several long moments, perhaps four hundred and eleven billion hours by her hyper estimation before Gia heard any movement on the other side of the door, but eventually, the knob turned, the hinges squeaked, and then Kai stood before her.
He stared down at her with his eyebrows arched up, nearly concealed by his mussed hair that lay in several different directions across his forehead. She squinted at it then sought his eyes, hoping to get a read on his mood in a quick glance. But Kai rubbed his face, as though he was coming out of a hard nap and ran a hand through his unkempt hair before nodding at her. It was more of a greeting than Gia had expected, one that she jumped on.
“Hi,” she started, unable to stare directly at him for too long. When he didn’t speak, but instead moved his chin again, offering another silent greeting, she continued. “Um…hey. Is…Keola in?” She glanced over his shoulder, then felt a wave of courage zip through her and barged into his apartment, finding no resistance from him.
“Oh, that’s right,” she continued, turning to face him when she came to the center of the living room. “She texted me last night. She…has that sleep over with the girls from the Lil’ Steamers today.” She moved farther into the room, spotting the empty beer bottles on the coffee table, the bowl of blue nachos and a movie Gia recognized from the eighties muted on the T.V., “Lady Hawk” if she wasn’t mistaken.
She turned, glancing at Kai, taking in his rumpled Steamers tee and comfortable-looking jeans. Gia guessed she was interrupting his down time and decided to hurry through this confession before the small frown on his face deepened or she lost her nerve.
“Listen, I just…wanted to say something to you and then I’ll…” Gia glanced at his face, her courage dwindling when he squinted. She caught a few moments of the movie, watching a young, pixie-cut sporting Michelle Pfeiffer running into the arms of her dark knight. Gia hated how stupid she felt, how tense and ridiculous. She’d blundered everything between them so much she didn’t know how to begin. This wasn’t her—this nervous, anxious idiot she was being.
When she looked back at Kai and his expression went from confusion to mild irritation, Gia held up a finger, figuring he was likely already still irritated with her. She may as well make herself at home. She could feel him watching, felt every glance he made as she darted to his island, pulling out a tumbler and what was left of the only decent thing he had to drink: whiskey in a squat bottle. She offered it to him, but he waved her off, giving her a “by all means” gesture before she poured herself a shot.
The liquid courage helped, the warmth from the whiskey coating her throat and stomach until some of her anxiety eased. She had the cushion of the island to act as some pretend barrier between them, something, at least that Gia could hide behind until she found the full weight of her courage again.
“The thing is,” she said after taking her second sip, still not quite able to look at him directly. “You and Joe…you were right.” She downed the last of the whiskey, but still held the tumbler. “I…I think I was looking for a replacement…for Luka.”
Kai didn’t guard his expression. Instead, he watched her, let her see his disappointment, then his sadness before he turned to look out of the balcony.
“The other day, Kona brought me…to see Luka.”
Kai jerked his head back in her direction, the whip of the movement so quick that if the moment hadn’t been so somber, it might have been funny. Still, he didn’t speak.
“I’d never been to his grave. Not once. Never went to his funeral. I’d…never said goodbye.” Gia put the tumbler on the island and rubbed her hands together, inhaling again because she needed to calm herself. “Kona told me when he lost Luka, he had no one either. We…both lost everything that night. But he learned how to move on. He learned that letting himself love people again, like his kids, like Keira, was how he got over losing Lu.”
Kai’s eyes were softer now, but he bit the inside of his bottom lip, like there was something he wanted to say but knew it wasn’t the right time.
“But I…I never learned to do that. I never wanted to risk it.” Gia moved around the island, keeping her distance from Kai, fighting the urge she had to stand close to him, to touch him. She was scared it had been too long.
Outside of the window, she spotted two ships passing each other on the river, their movements constant, steady, shifting the waves wider and wider as they moved farther away from each other in opposite directions.
“I spent the last twenty years pretending that what I had with men I didn’t love was enough for me. And…I gave them…nothing.” Gia lowered her gaze, head shaking as she thought about all those pictures, those beautiful smiles, those athletic bodies all inked, all cut and shaped perfectly. They weren’t him, none of them.
“I gave them parts of myself, parts that meant nothing to no one, not even me. Parts that weren’t real. The rest I kept hidden.”
Behind her, Gia heard Kai move, his feet on the carpet and the bristle of his jeans as he stood behind her. “And what did you give me?”
“Glimpses no one else got. Something…in between, I think.” She turned, hating the look on his face, hating that he wouldn’t smile, that there was nothing she could say that would change things between them. “But you made me forget I was pretending.”
“Don’t…”
“I’m sorry,” she said, hurrying to apologize when he stepped away from her. He was nearly to his room and a wild desperation crawled into Gia’s chest. She wanted him to stop. She wanted him to know she was ready to change. She wanted to live now. “Kai…I…I love you too.”
Gia wasn’t sure he would stop. He took three more steps before her confession seemed to register. When it did, it hit seemed to him like a lightning bolt. Looking half amazed, half pissed off, Kai turned, dropping his mouth open like he had a few well-chosen curses to level at her. But Gia met him in the center of the room, grabbing his face, pulling it down to bring his mouth to hers before he made a sound.
“I mean it,” she said against his lips. “I swear I mean it.”
“Don’t you dare say that if…” Kai resisted her for a few seconds, seeming to fight against pushing her away and pulling her close. Gia felt the conflict. She felt the instinct he tried to ignore when she rested her forehead against his.
She’d hurt him so badly. She’d run from him; from everything he’d wanted so many times. Kai didn’t believe her.
“You told my cousin…you said you could never love anyone like you loved Luka.” It was an accusation she couldn’t deny, spoken in a low breath that felt like an insult. But Gia took it because it was the truth.
Was.
“It’s different with you, Kai.” She held his face, hoping he saw the truth in everything that moved behind her eyes. She wasn’
t hiding anything from him now. “You…you give me the kind of love that chases away the shadows.” Kai held his breath, his features going still, his fingers curling against her arms like whatever she said next might be the single most important words he ever heard her speak. “You give me the kind of love that makes me forget I’ve lived with a ghost for twenty years.” She pressed her lips against his, hoping he believed her. Hoping he knew everything she said came right from her heart. “You make everyone else fade away.”
“Ku'uipo …”
Kai didn’t wait for her permission. It took little effort for him to lift her, picking her up by the hips, wrapping her around him before he moved his mouth to hers and took her kiss, stealing her breath with each insistent brush of his lips.
They came to his bedroom, Kai holding her, taking her mouth like he owned it, like he wanted to prove to her no one else ever would again but him. Then, he set her on her feet, stepping back before he moved his chin, nodding to his bed.
Gia looked between him and the mattress but didn’t ask him what he wanted. The expression on his face told her that well enough. She hurried out of her clothes, shimmying down her pants, throwing off her blouse and bra, stopping at her thong when Kai cleared his throat. “What?” she said, watching him as he moved toward her, his hand covering her fingers where they held the strap on her hip.
He moved his tongue across his bottom lip, inhaling as he inched his gaze over her breasts, staring boldly at her center. “Get on the bed. Flat on your back,” Kai told her, his voice demanding, but low, his fingers squeezing into her skin before he edged her toward the bed. Then he pulled his tee over his head with a quick swipe of one hand, stalking toward her when she moved to the center of the mattress. “Right there.”