by Yuu Kamiya
The insanity had raged beyond comprehension. The Shrine Maiden was too nonplussed to even be disgusted. Sora tore at his hair.
“They’re telling me I gotta make babies with one of ’em! D00d, this is the worst thing ever!!”
—That was the style of their approach. And note this was the eighth time.
It wasn’t so bad at first. They’d come on to him doing it wrong in the plebeian way that made you want to tell them off. Like, there’d be eleven childhood friends going, “Let’s go to school together! ” Eleven childhood friends he’d never seen before. And they wanted to go to school together. They didn’t have a clue about childhood friends or Sora’s willingness or lack thereof to go to school. Then, boom, there were eleven big sisters, eleven widows…and so on…and so forth… What next, eleven samurai? He sneered, and that was that—until…
“…But it doesn’t seem you were entirely indifferent, does it, lad?”
“That’s why I’m saying it’s scary, d00d. Those Ex Machinas, they know no limits… What a fearsome race—!!”
The Shrine Maiden’s cool sarcasm was met by Sora with a trembling fist and a puckered expression. Indeed…while their approaches had been so far off the mark each time, with each trial, they grew closer and closer. Using their absurd powers of observation, analysis, computation, and adaptation, the Ex Machinas were able to infer from Sora’s reactions what his preferences were, and they steadily adjusted the scenario to hit him where it counted.
The fact that Sora was okay with Loli owed a great deal to the fact that his little sister was just too beautiful. The Ex Machina had yet to get a read on that, but their approximations were drawing ever closer—!!
“…Brother, you’ve got…a nosebleed…”
Even now, here he was, drawing Shiro’s squinty condemnation. But Sora blocked her opinion and her gaze with both hands and shook his head melodramatically.
“NO. That’s a big fat NO… Shiro, my little sister. Mark your elder brother’s words.”
Out of a hundred healthy young men in the world, probably a hundred would agree with this statement. It was his conviction. No. His faith! Sora, thus, explicated the truth—!!
“Even if the lass be one he himself fancies not, he who is born male must, of necessity, experience an unbridled yearning which enjoins him: I wanna be popular with girls!! An ambition? Nay—it is the very driving force of what it means to be a man—!!!!”
If there be any man who might dissent, let him step forth. I will then humbly withdraw my long-cherished belief. Acting as they might be, they were just the sort of luscious ladies he craved. Mistaken as they might be, they were that sort of girl that had fallen in love with him! This being so—!!
“Reckon the seductions I have endured and observe the diamond bulwark of reason with which I have stood out against them! Do you not find it worthy of praise? Yea, and if not praise, certainly no blame—is this not so—?!”
He was getting a little carried away by being popular for the first time in his life. That he wouldn’t deny—but! What man in the world could blame him? Sora’s impassioned case wound up.
—Clapping. Sighs.
The clapping was from Ino and Jibril, struck to the heart by this fine speech, wiping their tears. The sighs were from the Shrine Maiden and Shiro, unpossessed of any more attractive way to respond than to roll their eyes.
Bathing in a sea of both accolade and censure, Sora still acknowledged it: That his dear diamond of reason had survived every trial unscathed owed entirely to—
“Lösen: Love Success Situation Forme—Checkmartyr—Prototype 0009.”
Wait—here once again, out of the blue, the polygons raced through the room and distorted its aspect. Ex Machina’s tenth rewriting of space, all told, the sight—indeed, that very sight was that to which Sora owed the soundness of his reason—that being—
“Heh. That girl who was saying she liked me? I feel sorry for her, but I had to decline…”
“…Hey. I didn’t ask you anything. What are you babbling about, you pervbot?”
—Einzig.
The sunset streamed in from the small window. This seemed to be the basketball club’s room. Clad in uniform, Einzig languidly began dialogue with no context. Sora, finding himself involuntarily in the same costume, answered unenthusiastically, but—
“…Hmm, you ask why I declined?”
“I said I didn’t ask anything! Nor do I care— H-hey, get away from me; go away!”
With little regard for his opinions or consent, the kink machine advanced on the frightened Sora with the smile of a true sportsman.
“Don’t make me say it… The only one this unit— Excuse me, this man loves is—”
“SHUT UUUUUUUP!! GAAAH!! GRAAAH!! STFUUUUUUUU!!”
The advances of pretty girl robots might have chipped Sora’s diamond. However, the advances of the flaming gay robot switched the focus from his reason to his sanity and shriveled him in horror.
“You just try to finish that sentence! I’ll run away someplace you can never see me again!”
—You know, such as the afterlife! It was enough to make Sora shout. The memories responsible for his horror spun through his brain like the zoetrope of his last moments.
He wasn’t going to let them win that easily. That was the resolve with which Sora had begun his chess match against Ex Machina. But, of course, it ended quite one-sidedly. He must have known it would. Even so…
“…………Shit…”
“…Brother… It’s all, right…okay…?”
Shiro hugged and whispered to Sora as he cursed at the board.
—I knew it. I’m not like Shiro.
Sora ground his teeth. No ordinary person could see through all the possible states of the chessboard so as to call it tic-tac-toe. His opponent, Ex Machina, had been a transcendent computer—there was no way he could out-read them in perfect play. Even so, he’d lost tens of thousands of times to Shiro. Regardless, he’d concocted countless strategies, countless conventions to beat Shiro, which she’d thereafter beaten. He’d applied those, he’d even tried to exploit the errors common to machines and misdirect them, but it was utterly ineffective. As Einzig said with evident pleasure:
“…You truly are the Spieler… To force us into a stalemate…”
Yes, it ended in a stalemate—which meant abject failure.
He couldn’t win. At some point in the game, Sora had decided as much. So he’d focused on stalemating. The first player to move always has the advantage in chess, and if he’s only aiming for a stalemate, all the more.
…He’d played a transcendent computer that never fell for the same tactic twice, always adapted, and he hadn’t lost. Shiro aside, for Sora, wouldn’t you say that that was a phenomenal accomplishment? Might that not be what the clinging Shiro and the watching Jibril and Steph were thinking?
But it was all for naught. One of the appended rules was A stalemate shall constitute Ex Machina’s victory. Whether he lost or he stalemated, the outcome was the same. Even so, he’d simply insisted on his pride that told him: Like hell I’m gonna let ’em win. This could not satisfy him. He gritted his teeth at this travesty, this shame. But Einzig— No, Emir-Eins, too—
“—I could see your will in your play. You must be the Spieler.”
—all the Ex Machinas grinned strangely at Sora.
……?
No one got it: neither Sora nor Shiro, neither Jibril nor Steph.
“Well then, in any case, it is our victory. Allow us to enforce our demands as per the Covenants.”
But apparently having no mind to explain, Einzig stood.
“Gahhhh! Shit! Okay! I lost, fair and square!!”
Sora unleashed an explosion of desperate self-righteousness. He could mope and pout all he wanted, but it wouldn’t change a thing. Regrets and countermeasures were for later! The question at hand was what to do now?!! Having so deftly transitioned his thinking, Sora pointed at Einzig and crowed.
“But gues
s what? You bastards—you never said when and with whom!”
And that was exactly what had been so queer about their demands. Sora watched for a reaction.
These were the guys who had just trapped him so easily. They couldn’t have overlooked such a glaring flaw. There was something more. Some ulterior motive. Sora’s eyes searched for it. Einzig peered right back.
“Quite naturally. Who would dare to coerce love? It is your choice, Spieler, whom to cherish.”
“…Hmmm… I seem to remember someone being awfully coercive recently, but maybe I’m just imagining things… That’s the biggest surprise today,” Sora quipped.
Einzig smiled in earnest—or at least, as far as Sora could tell. Was it even possible to see through a machine’s lies? Wait, was it even possible for machines to lie?
Einzig responded, “Yes…and thus, we would that you provide us immediately with only specific information.”
Sora squinted at him carefully. Despite the vague bullshit, there had been one demand he’d have to comply with immediately. It was among the additions: Immediately provide us with information about your preferences…
Sora still couldn’t get what their deal was, or the point of such vague demands. Perhaps when he found out just what they wanted, he could figure out their intentions. Did they really mean to be his allies, or could it be—? Sora glared as Einzig went on.
“Ex Machina suffers most indecorously from a dearth of information by which we might be loved by you.”
……
“You must be more specific! Under what conditions will you love this unit? How must I express this love in order for you to accept it? It is the data by which to unravel these puzzles that we lack!”
The Ex Machina girls nodded in unison at Einzig’s speech. Sora was busy groaning and holding his violently throbbing head, so Steph checked for him:
“Umm… So Sora is supposed to do…uh, you know, with just one of you?”
They nodded back, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
“…And…you each…want him…to pick you, alone…?” Shiro asked.
They nodded back, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
“And thus, you desire to know what you must do for my master to love you,” Jibril added.
And they nodded back, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Could it be—this was really all it was? Still holding his head, Sora looked at Einzig and squeezed out his voice.
“…I can say one thing: I have no data for the likes of you!”
“Wh-what? Why, Spieler?!”
“How do you expect me to love a flaming gay robot slinking and twisting right in front of me?! It’s impossible!”
He pushed back the slinking pervert—quite literally, with a mighty kick that sent him back into the wall.
Emir-Eins took over by making one calm and simple demand.
“Determination: List of required information: Master’s porn. End.”
“…Prawn? Why has the conversation turned to talk of cuisine?”
“Oh, little Dora, you mustn’t be so demure. You know as well as anyone that we speak of my master’s masturbatory media. ”
Oh! Now she remembered. Jibril continued on as Steph blushed.
“But why his pornography? How could it bear on being loved?”
The befuddled Jibril was answered by Shiro’s bemused whisper.
“…Brother’s, pornos…could show them, what he likes… Ex Machina, is dangerous… An enemy…!”
They could reveal his preferences, allowing the robots to act accordingly—and make him fall in love with them. Now Shiro saw their dire and cunning plot. She shook and bit her nails. Beside her…
“…………”
…Sora, besieged on every side by unbridled sexual harassment, exhaled, looked at the ceiling, and thought. The Ex Machinas had shown up out of nowhere, come after him, again out of nowhere, and beaten him at a game, yet again, out of nowhere. And now this—What did I do to deserve this?
“…Well… I guess I lost… Ha-ha, ha… Sigh…”
Having shed a solitary tear, he pulled out his tablet. Though he regretted it, just as Emir-Eins had determined, he had porn. Which she’d demanded he surrender. He’d sworn by the Covenants. He couldn’t refuse. But then, she could have demanded something really devastating. Perhaps he should be grateful she was satisfied with sexually humiliating him. And so he wiped his hand on his shirt and handed Emir-Eins the tablet.
“Ecstasy…”
Emir-Eins lowered her head in thanks, and their fingers brushed against one another just for a moment, allowing Sora to confirm: No static discharge.
“But I’m just showing you my porn. You can’t look at any of the other data, and you obviously can’t destroy any of it, all right?”
“……Hmm? This— Spieler, is this a storage mechanism for your secret books?”
“Inference: Unknown recording medium. Stores multiple data files… Searching for operation method.”
Einzig had returned from the wall. He and Emir-Eins inspected the slab dubiously. Sora interjected.
“It’s in there. I opened the folder for you, so…the rest is up to you.”
Yes—this was payback, a fine troll indeed. He smirked evilly.
“……? ……?”
Seeing all the Ex Machinas puzzle over how to analyze it, Sora sneered duskily to himself. It was a tablet PC, an electronic device from another world. Sure, they’d messed with his smartphone, but that was because he’d left the radio on. All the data in the tablet was recorded in otherworldly language and otherworldly programming. And he’d forbidden them to view or destroy the non-pornographic material, so they couldn’t use brute force. Moreover, Emir-Eins’s nonconductive fingers wouldn’t work on the touch screen.
“I gave you what you demanded. Didn’t say I’d include support. ”
“…This man truly is no pushover…”
Steph had to admit she was impressed that Sora had still been able to flip over his defeat. But Sora was grinning, That’s not all, which only Shiro on his lap noticed.
“But dear me… The only pornography I can recall in my master’s possession is the recordings of little Dora and others in the bath… What use would such information as that serve?”
“—Hey, that’s true, isn’t it? Why are you dragging me into this?!”
It was unlikely that even Jibril had read everything they had on their tablet. She might have managed to decipher the language of another world, but still, there were many concepts and assumptions that would be unknown to her. Even though Jibril knew from an in-depth survey of the tablet’s contents that there was hardly a wealth of porn within it…
“Observation: …Cannot detect lie in Master.”
…Emir-Eins merely stared at Sora in response, as if analyzing him. But the outcome was preordained. There was no point in anyone trying to lie to someone assumed to be able to read their biological responses.
“Addendum: Cannot detect lie in Irregular Number or Immanity woman.”
Just as he’d said, Sora had handed them his porn folder; he just hadn’t explained how to read it. There was no falsehood in that, nor did it violate the Covenant. As Sora’s grin carved ever deeper into his face—
“Comparison: However, cannot detect Master acknowledgment of statements of two.”
—these next words of Emir-Eins froze him in place.
“Conclusion: Provided information is camouflage. Presence of more important information speculated. Request to Einzig: Use situational judgment as coordinator. Aus.”
Wha-wha—wha…wha…whaaaaat?!
“Einzig to all Seher and Prüfer: Analyze the principle of this medium!”
“—Jawohl.”
“Whoaaa! H-heyyy now, can’t you wait just a moment?!”
The Ex Machinas calmly began their analysis in spite of Sora’s hollering, and before he was even finished, their calculations had culminated into the following report:
“Analysis complete. Records determined as data for catalytic sti
mulation. Pattern analysis: Object identified as data processing unit employing binary code by means of combination of conducting and insulating material. No patterns match known data formats. New compatibility layer required. Unknown current unrelated to spirits also detected as method. Loading—extraction of data by voltage load—may damage data or medium.”
“A-all right, then you can’t! You can only touch the porn—”
While taken aback that they’d figured out that much in an instant, Sora cut them off. But the subsequent merciless blow came from Emir-Eins.
“Instruction: Search for data structures that fulfill sharing conditions. Sort key: None. Target: All.”
“Hey, hold on there! I didn’t say you could view all the data!”
“Rebuttal: Meaning of data not identified. Therefore, Search All not privacy violation.”
—B-bastard—!
“Search complete. Records found in deep archive. Catalyst degradation suggests heavy access. Data structures meet sharing conditions: usage frequency, active time, hidden status. Inferred to be porno.”
—Hey, hey, come on, now—! They could see through his lie that he wouldn’t lie… Under these conditions, we can roll with that. But to see through his rhetoric that Here’s the porn (but I never said all the porn)—and then to find the rest of the porn—come on—!
“Judged feasible to load and copy area containing relevant records only by placing limited spirituelectric load. If data is then synthesized and decrypted, porn can be acquired.”
“—Confirmation: Master, authorize execution.”
“Like hell I will! B-besides, can you even prove that it’s porn?!”
If they hadn’t identified the data’s meaning, it could be the wrong data! He’d only given them permission to access the porn, and if this wasn’t the porn—
As Sora badgered Emir-Eins, Shiro mumbled softly:
“…Hidden folder Macroeconomics…eight point two three gigabytes… Definitely, porn.”
“Wha—?! How did you know, Ms. Shiro?! Just how much of that do you—?”