by Hylton Smith
“What are you going to do about the impending closure of Woodbine Care Home & Hospice Council Leader?”
“Excuse m - me,” stuttered Richardson, “I’m not up to date with the detail on this subject yet, I‘m……”
“Please Echo,” pleaded Placidus Avoidus, the meeting secretary and producer of the minutes. “We have the agenda in order and we ….”
“Yes, however I do not agree with that timetable, and I wasn’t even consulted about it, so I’ve gone to the bother of prioritising my own input to ensure there isn’t the usual two hours of hot air on pencils and paperclips, followed by lunch, then the usual stalemate on urgent issues. I’d like to hear what our new leader has to say on matters which mean something to our citizens, those who aren’t sitting on their arses around this table.”
IR turned to Placidus (the earthworm), and suggested that the assembly should quickly decide the order of the agenda. Avoidus was horrified but before she could reply Echo shouted, “All in favour?”
And the worm was dismayed at the support. Ten minutes later the plight of Woodbine was hoisted to the top of the list and Richardson was briefed. The Home was exceeding budget, but needed two extra qualified staff to meet health and safety standards, and at least that many to provide the care that should be available. Echo was impassioned in his disregard for arbitrary budgets, which could never be accurate enough to accommodate changes in circumstance. Many such changes were really life and death decisions.
While Richardson listened to the opposing views he noticed that point 4 on the re-vamped agenda was titled - ‘Extra staff for language posts.’ He then called time on the verbal melee, apologised for the ignorance which accompanied his first meeting, and for temporary departure from the agreed order of the day. He then requested to be briefed on point 4. He suggested a comfort break to maintain an efficient schedule.
Mademoiselle Dooblay Entendre, the Council Invigilator on Multiculturalism informed him that with the latest influx of immigrants to Wacky Races Comprehensive School, they would need another six teachers to cope with the new languages involved. To Richardson’s astonishment he heard that funding was already in place to teach core subjects in five languages, and that this enriched the tapestry of diversity as well as making those young citizens (if and when they became citizens) who could not speak our language feel at ease in their own cultural enclave. The extra six appointments would mainly be language specialists. But with so much different ethnicity and resulting alphabets to cope with, the collateral need for counselling, signage, dietary requirements and policy on uniforms caused significant stress. Thus the proposal was to install two of the six additions as Identity Gurus (official title), their task being to smooth the path to harmony (official buzzwords), yet consequently marginalizing the emerging widening of pupil ability and achievement (actual).
Richardson took an extra comfort break and splashed cold water on his face to convince himself that he was in fact not still dreaming in bed. He gathered himself and returned to his chair.
“We councillors are also citizens, and I’m about to speak as one of our community. I don’t mean to ride roughshod over anyone’s steadfast views or the hard work which has gone into plans to combat our growing area of responsibility. I’m new here, a rookie, so I hope you can accept that I have no bias or predisposition to any line of thought, except one, that being the guardian of simple common sense. I don’t bring expertise to this gathering as such, only the determination to re-assess priorities and shed light on instances of blundering into a fog of psychology dogma. So, if that thrust aids us reaching consensus on the difficulties we face, that would be fine. If it doesn’t, I will leave no stone unturned to alter the objectives to comply with my aforementioned crusade to the altar of common sense. I do concede that it is a complex concept to define, though an easy one to recognise. I’m sure we all realise that certain objectives have real merit, and others are merely to keep our ‘superiors’ happy. We also need to keep the citizens who elected us happy, or at least ensure we don’t let them down on very important pledges. In the light of this declaration I’m going to propose we move the funding reserves from the school to the home. Let’s get the citizens who have contributed to our society all their lives taken care of prudently, and start a reversal process of the insane notion that funding a secular approach in schools, as well as wider society, will achieve nothing but a waste of money. And worse still, the waste of an opportunity to allow integration of children, who in this context can probably teach their parents something about diversity and tolerance. This has to start with language!!! They came here freely and they have to subscribe to the laws of the land as a minimum requirement. I’m sure this would be best served by the first step of speaking as we do. So we can save the Hospice and save money by revising the school budget downwards.”
A pin could have dropped and everyone would have been deafened.
“I don’t think this would go down well in the caverns of central government.” winced Avoidus eventually.
“It will be overruled by the Minister for Education,” fawned Mme Entendre, barely able to disguise her judgement of this intellectual pygmy, who dared to question central wisdom.
“Who cares,” echoed Echo, “it’s the right way to go, no matter how many lunches it spices up at HQ. Those snorting in the expenses trough have to listen to us too, it isn’t a one way street. I support the Leader’s proposal, and furthermore I look forward to the rest of the meeting with renewed vigour.”
“It is not as simple as it sounds,” warned Placidus, “we can’t just re-appropriate funds. There is a procedure of authorisation to follow. I will not risk my own position by flouting that duty.”
Richardson stood up and said if this was the lock-jam to be expected on every contentious subject then something would have to change.
“We either challenge accepted practice or simply implement it.” He then stated that it would be made clear in this instance that the buck stopped at himself, and nobody else, but in future he wanted to see more backbone in weeding out crazy projects. He postponed the rest of the meeting and said he would report back on discussions with the hierarchy, whether success or failure was the result.
He contacted the regional finance controller and within thirty seconds recognised the verbal padding as ‘don’t involve me,’ so he went straight to the top. Minister for Education, the Right Honourable E.N.Trenchard Hedinsand, was a devoutly, faithful, fence sitting albatross whose guiding commandment was, ‘it is a decision not to make a decision.’
He was busy, so IR left a cryptic message to get his attention. Suddenly he was not so busy after all, and while swallowing a couple of tranquilising pills laid it on thick to this upstart. Under no circumstances was he to proceed with such an outrageous mutiny of Central Policy. Another stress torpedo was required when IR not only failed to fold, but attempted a bold passing shot with the pronouncement that local government was founded to resolve local issues. The topspin lob from Trenchy was dispatched without disguise (a prime requirement for such a shot), in the form of a threat to travel North immediately and personally quell the rebellion. IR easily delivered the winning drop shot by declaring he would be delighted to meet up with the lofty minister. However, the urgent timescale of the local needs prevented him from any postponement of the plan revision. Game and first set to Local Lad, new balls please!!!
He reported back to his own committee that despite some resistance the proposal was to go ahead, and although he repeated all future repercussions were his alone, he asked Echo to inform the anxious citizens at Woodbine, and subsequently Dooblay Entendre could break the bad news to the Head of Wacky Races.
From two epicentres the ripples raced outward. The caverns in the south were acoustically perfect in receiving the simultaneous impact on all departments. In the north, Sniffy was once more horrified that he was a receiver rather than a transponder. The media got this tsunami along with everyone else, so it was not exactly ‘news,’ neverth
eless it was sensational.
While the furore gathered pace IR made for the Old Oak. He could not leave the Owl out of this. Collie was expecting him and had already logged him in.
“You are a surprise package Richardson.”
How did he know so soon? “Not so Enoch, I’m concentrating on the end! And I’ll also address the means, or red tape in the process.”
“Might be difficult to do both in the middle of not one but two chain reactions don’t you think?”
“Maybe,” conceded IR. “That’s why I’m here, to tell you that if I’m going to fall at the first hurdle, it should be in challenging injustice, or exposing ludicrous policy. This action enjoys the impact of both. I won’t be brought down purely by blindly following protocol and labelling myself as a good soldier.”
“Hmmm, I admit now that it is out there it has to be dealt with, and I can see that if you survive it will strengthen your hand. You should know that I also had the support of the citizens all those years ago, yet I failed to nullify the tentacles of the octopus of ‘free speech suppression.’ No matter that a famous old philosopher said, ‘I do not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.’ They will hunt you down, offer you a mind-meld or a crucial post at the magnetic void of the party, where you can be observed, contained by a force field. There is a difference however on which we must focus. You are speaking out for elderly citizens and servants of their homeland. You are also by implication saying that there will be a day when new immigrants are old and will need care, so by their contribution (or sacrifice) at this time, the safety net will be preserved for all. Their contribution is the small sacrifice of learning our language, a noble cause with which no self-respecting psychologist could take issue. Perhaps this can mitigate some of the vulnerability for now, but you must check the radar frequently for counter-measures.”
“You put it so well,” beamed IR, “all I meant was to deliver to our citizens the best balance, but I see now that it takes more than common sense, and I’ll learn quickly, hopefully quickly enough.”
“Good, I suggest you may wish to encourage the F.O.B. member to attack you when Sniffy sets up the broadcast, maybe even goad you into admitting the possibility of non-ratification of your outrageous Hospice proposal from above. You will then need no further encouragement to proclaim that you are not dealing with a dinosaur such as his party. He will be on the ropes, and you can extol the benefits of a forward-thinking administration, in which there is always room for reconciling national and local needs in an enlightened and constitutional way. This delivers a body blow to both parties, and if the hierarchy of the W.C. party are left dangling, they will have to respond in a supportive way, but one which does not broaden insurrection to other regions. This way you will get time to keep the issue burning bright, and for them to come up with a spin to at least cover their rear, or even endorse your proposal on a one-off basis. I almost wish I was still amongst the living!!!”
Chapter 10
The image of Enrico standing there was a surprise to the Owl, it was even more unexpected that he was unaccompanied.
“Mr Silenzio, good to see you again, how can I help?”
“First, maybe I can ask you again. Who are you? I imagine that since you recognise me instantly, or maybe ‘in real time’ is the modern expression, this makes me wonder if you are not far away from here.”
“Neither you nor I are whom we appear to be, wouldn’t you agree Enrico?”
“There are no aerials, satellite dishes, or similar technical gear that I can see in the pub, so I assume it’s a safe, wireless network. If you ever need to move away, as I have heard, you would need portability, which means truly micro-technology. This I understand, but why hide your identity from your patrons?”
“Your deductions, whilst reasonable, do not cover all possibilities and therefore do not point to all feasible outcomes. You are fishing, but I do not see what relevance it has to the task in hand”
“Remind me of what that is,” teased Silenzio.
“To assist Cllr Richardson in his quest to bring some transparency, morality, simplicity to local and national government through the application of common sense, and therefore uphold genuine democratic methodology. Mission Impossible I suppose, unless a firebrand, such as he will surely be perceived, survives the debilitating frost of Cabinet breath. Individuals like him do not come along every day. However, you cause me to digress.”
“Then why do you suggest I’m not who I seem to be?” said Enrico
“Because you felt the same of me. Who we are is irrelevant compared to what we do, as long as that is not a subterfuge for infiltration. Is that your concern Enrico?”
“Well, yes, I still remember this technique from my days in my old country, it was catastrophic for my family and friends.”
“I can understand your cautious scrutiny, and you must come to your own conclusions. I will not try to convince you of my veracity, only by my actions will I be judged. That includes you. I had hoped you had returned to say that after consideration you wished to join the cause in establishing more trust in government. Richardson, like myself, and hopefully others are but conduits to that purpose”
“You refer to your actions, but it is difficult to imagine a hologram carrying out action. Never mind, we can discuss this many times in the future I’m sure. Give me a specific idea in which you think I could help.”
“Wrong approach Mr Silenzio, if we look at this from the enemy’s perspective, they will, if we are successful, categorise us as a potentially unpleasant flu variant. ‘Medication’ will be applied and assumed to effect healing, but if proliferation occurs, a more radical assist to the immune system of those in power will be sanctioned. This will be the most difficult phase for us. If we can prevail through it we will then face all the might of ‘operation epidemic eradication,’ and that is where your previous unhappy experience will be replicated in this country. Are you up for the fight? If so we must manage these phases carefully and even then there will be setbacks, some very significant. Timing will be everything.”
Enrico lived up to his name by remaining quiet for a while before uttering, “Count me in Mr Owl. I have a business to run, but I’ll manage to dedicate any of my spare time to this, in fact I must do this. Are you going to be contacting me?”
“No, it will not work like that, I am a sounding board, not an executive, as you already pointed out. One day you may know why.”
Chapter 11
The phone rang, Richardson picked up.
“Hedinsand here. Now look Councillor, I’ll be with you tomorrow, and I want you to assure me that none of the education budget is to be frittered away on anything other than agreed items, understood.” (No question mark).
“Too late, the bank has set the required amount for drawdown in the Woodbine account. The Hospice is interviewing applicants previously on file as we speak. Also, I have given written confirmation to all parties, so there’s no going back I’m afraid. Well, I’m not really afraid I’m rather excited. Anyway it’ll be good to meet you tomorrow and we can watch the TV debate together if you like, as we are on the same team, after all.”
“You, you, you treacherous little cretin, you will regret this irresponsible action, I shall make it my main objective to personally run you out of office. Make sure all documents are available to me upon arrival. That is an order.”
“Yes sir, how did you know I was little? I’ll have everything that you want ready for inspection, and maybe even more items to discuss.”
“And what in hell do you mean by that?”
“That it’s good practice to be over-prepared, rather than the opposite.”
Click, the phone was disconnected.
***
Deprived Jimmy was feverishly working on a defence against Otto, coupled with taking it easy on IR (sour grapes and memoirs were not happy bedfellows). Concurrently, Otto was sharpening his cutlass. Initially sympathising with Jimmy and his frustrating time in o
ffice, then slowly turning the razor edge to the W.C. party, with all its bureaucracy and staleness. It could only in reality go this way and they both knew it, but it required metering out in public, otherwise the ‘spectators’ would be deprived of the Christians and the Lions parody, as advertised and repeatedly hyped.
***
Tarquin De Vere, had many contacts and he wasted no time learning that IR spent a lot of time at a local pub. At first this did not seem significant, however his source mentioned that he took documents there and had video-link conferences with someone. He found this intriguing and decided to pay a visit. He greeted Collie as he entered and immediately ordered scotch with a teensy-weensy shot of the old Perrier. Collie made an instant decision that this ‘hail fellow well met’ was probably going to be very hard work. After a couple of drinks and bribes offered as tips, he asked about the history of the pub, and said a pal of his had told him of a video phone or something or other. So, as he was always up for new technology he wondered what it was all about. Collie gave him the autopilot version of how it worked and pointed to the Holo-matrix.
With slightly more confidence than trepidation De Vere approached the prompt, pressed and saw the log-in screen. Before he could ask, Collie spat out the data. When Tarquin had completed the necessary input, the Owl appeared and almost caused him to perform a backward somersault. Enoch greeted the stranger with a barely perceptible stutter - was he a stranger? De Vere’s own stuttering was not exactly a portrayal of calmness. “Yes, well…, I mean it’s, isn’t it…? I think…, amazing…., it is good to er meet you, is that the right expression?”
“Whatever,” exclaimed Enoch, “what can I do for you?”
“You must excuse me. I didn’t know what to expect. I was just passing by and,… but I must introduce myself, De Vere, Tarquin De Vere, please call me Tarquin,.. Is that acceptable?”