“Everywhere.” Now she rested her head on his heart. “At first I just needed to be alone, to be gone. The grief, it was so huge, and still only part of it. There’s so much empty in the world, Duncan. It’s not hard to find places to be alone. I’ve known what would be asked of me all my life, and I carried that. I’ve carried more since I turned thirteen. So I told myself everybody else would just have to handle it all for a while because I couldn’t. And I knew you would. You, my parents, my brothers, Tonia, Arlys, Jonah, everyone. I knew you would. If it was selfish, well, the gods would just have to deal with that. Because I couldn’t lead troops into battle when my heart was bleeding or ask anyone to follow me when I couldn’t see where to go.”
She pushed herself to sitting, looked through the mists rising over the pond. “When I saw what you’d done, the memorial you’d created, everything in me shook. I couldn’t say all I wanted to say to you, or I’d have fallen completely apart. Then, the tree over where Mick fell. I wanted to feel comfort from it, but I didn’t. It was anger, and the anger, the hunger for revenge blocked everything. I wanted to bring the lightning and burn that tree to the ground.”
She paused, trailed her fingers over the cuff she wore, fashioned from another tree she’d destroyed with temper.
“I wanted to leave everything and hunt Petra, only Petra, until I could cut her to pieces with my sword. A sword of light and justice. How could I stay? How could I lead?”
“You could have told me.”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t even tell myself. I could only feel grief, anger, despair. Why, when I’ve done what they asked, when I’ve done all I know how to do, do they demand such payments? Max to Mick, with so many between. Why, why, why? How could I be the light when I couldn’t feel or find it?”
She looked over at him when he sat up with her. “It wasn’t just who Mick was to me, or what he was to me, how much I loved him. Though, God, as much as I did, it’s not what I feel for you. What if it had been you?”
“It wasn’t.”
She shook her head. “But that question kept circling in my head. You, or my parents. Colin lost his arm—what if he lost his life? Travis, Ethan, Tonia, Hannah, Mallick, so many I love. What if one of you is the next payment?”
“I’d say you can’t think that way, but you already knew that.” He didn’t have to like it, he decided, to begin to understand it. “And that’s why you left.”
“It’s a big part of it. What grew in the grief, the doubts was worse. That hunger, that thirst to destroy what destroyed. Eric and Allegra killed Max because they wanted to kill me, inside my mother. They came back because they wanted to kill me, and destroy everything, everyone in New Hope. Petra killed to hurt you, and for the joy of it. And Mick.”
She shut her eyes a moment. “She killed him to strike at me. I think, I feel, if we’d lost him in battle, I could have taken it. Grieved, yes, but it wouldn’t have shaken me to the core. But she chose the moment of victory. She chose to strike him down in his moment of joy. In a moment the two of us shared. It took me some time to understand that, to get through that hunger and understand.”
“She won’t win, Fallon.”
“I know it, but I didn’t know it then. I stopped believing in what we are. I went to mountaintops and deserts, to forests and to cities even the ghosts have abandoned, and wondered why we bother. Didn’t people just find another reason to kill, or scar the land? Hadn’t they driven magicks away out of fear?”
He tugged the ends of her hair. “That was some excellent wallowing you did there.”
“It really was.” She tipped her head to his shoulder. “But I started to see beauty again. The way the sun strikes the water in a stream or a bridge spans a river. I went to the mountains where Allegra and Eric attacked Max and my mother, Poe and Kim. The house is gone, but the land is beautiful, and there were signs of people working it, finding shelter, making lives.
“Why that mattered so much, why it started to open me again, I don’t know. But it did. So I started to look for more of that. Resilience, faith, effort, caring. And I found it. There are a lot of empty places, Duncan, but there’s land being tended, homes tended, families becoming. There’s still strength and courage, and there’s still joy. I just had to look to see it again. I nearly came back then, but I knew I wasn’t finished. I wasn’t finished because I couldn’t make myself come here, where Mick’s everywhere. I went to Wales instead.”
“Mallick.”
“It didn’t begin with him, but so much of what I am came from him. He never wavers. His faith had to have been tested countless times, but he never wavers. I wanted to see where he was born, where he walked as a boy, what he saw.”
“You found it.”
“I found it. They didn’t take that. I found the stone cottage, centuries old, and the goddess who sits by the door. It’s there, and I felt him there. He chose to devote his life to the light, to me, to us, to leave his home and put himself in the hands of the gods.”
With her head resting on Duncan’s shoulder, she watched the mists rise like spirits from the pool, wind through the air.
“I felt his faith, his courage, and feeling it restored the rest of mine. And that terrible hunger died, it just died. Anger, that can be useful, but that hunger is dangerous and destructive. Finally, I could let it go. When I did, and I poured wine in tribute to Ernmas, to the mother goddess, I felt the light pour back. And wings open.
“I could come here, say good-bye to Mick. I could come home to you. I wanted to bring you here, because I first met Mick here, because I sat here with Max. Because I love you, and I wanted to take an oath to you here. I won’t turn away from you again, or block you, or leave you. I’ll fight beside you, and when that’s done, I’ll build a life with you.”
“Fallon.” He lifted her hand, kissed it. “We’re already building a life.” He closed his own hand, opened it to reveal a ring in his palm. “Wear it.”
The gold, white as the moon, gleamed in a circle. Etched on it was the fivefold symbol.
“Just like that?”
“You want me to ask? Do the one-knee thing like in the books?”
She considered, wondered if a heart could get any fuller than hers in that moment. “No. I kind of like the way you handled it. Put it on,” she said, and held out her hand. “I’ll wear it.”
“I’ll take an oath, too,” he told her. “I’ll fight beside you. And when that’s done, we’ll keep building the life we’ve already started.”
When he slid the ring on her finger, the light bloomed to seal the promise.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
She didn’t waste time. In addition to solidifying her resolve and cementing her faith, her weeks of alone had produced more maps, more information. And a clear-eyed purpose.
She sat with her parents at breakfast, asked Mallick to join them. These three first—these most vital three first.
“I’m going to apologize for worrying you, and everyone, and promise to do a better job of that later. But right now I need to tell you some of what I found when I was gone. And, man,” she added as she bit into her omelette, “did I miss your cooking, Mom.”
“You could start by telling us where you’ve been,” Simon began.
“Everywhere. I stood on the summit of Everest where the world’s white and frozen, and saw elephants on the savanna in Kenya. I saw the pyramids and miles and miles of golden sand. The Dead Sea, the Australian bush, the moors of Cornwall.”
“Well.” Simon sat back. “You’ve been busy.”
“Yeah.” She paused, scooped up more eggs. “Everywhere,” she said again. “At first, I just needed the lonely places, the silent ones, but . . . Wherever I went? There’s so much beauty, so much light in the world. So much, whether it’s a gift from the gods like Denali or through the sweat and ingenuity of man like a round tower in Ireland, it’s there. Palm trees and clear water shining in the desert, a village carved out of a jungle so thick the air shimmers green.”
Remembering it, just remembering it brought a glow inside her.
“Even in those first days when I didn’t want to see it or feel it, I couldn’t stop seeing, feeling that beauty, that light.”
“You saw the world.” And more, Lana realized. “A world that’s not just war and loss, battles and blood.”
“I want to show you. One day I have to show you. You showed me,” she said to her parents. “With books, even the DVDs, with stories and maps. But . . .”
“Being there’s different,” Simon commented. “It’s more.”
“So much more. I saw a world that offers everything for the body, the mind, the spirit, if we just . . .”
She turned to Mallick, flicking fingers at the bangs she’d carelessly trimmed with her combat knife in a cave in the Anhui province of China.
“You can’t see if you don’t look. How many times did you say that to me? You told me how you’d traveled the world, but I didn’t look so didn’t see you’d traveled it to know it, understand it, honor it.”
“So now you’ve looked.”
“Now I’ve looked,” she agreed. “And I see. The treasures, the dreams, the dangers, the glorious diversity of the world and those who live in it. She’s a generous mother who offers all we need, and she’s a child who needs our tending and care.”
She reached out to Simon. “You always knew that. Always respected, always tended. And you knew the world was worth fighting for.”
“So have you, baby. You just needed a break.”
“You were right about that, too. I wanted the three of you, my teachers, to know what I learned from you got me through. Because it did, once I looked, once I saw, once I started thinking clearly again, I spent more time studying where I was, thinking about where I’d been.”
She got up to get the coffeepot, add more to the mugs. Because it was time, again, to speak of war.
“Here’s a vital bit of that observation. There are skirmishes in Europe, in Asia, Africa, and so on. Small bands, well scattered, not particularly organized. Like here, there are people working to rebuild, to communicate, to connect, or those who prefer more isolation. But the dark magicks are barely a presence. Some Raider-like tribes, but that’s more the ugly side of human nature, and there’s strong resistance there.”
She scooped up more breakfast. “Unlike here, there’s no sense of constant battle, no serious concentration of the dark. It’s here, concentrated, because I am. We are.”
“But in Scotland, you found what you believe is the source,” Lana said. “And the broken shield.”
“It’s waiting there; it feeds there. It needs to be near the damaged shield because that feeds it, too. That’s a theory, but it rings for me. It’s where we need to destroy it. The dark’s focused its forces here to try to kill me and mine, to eradicate any threat. Once eradicated, it can move on to the next shield, do the same until there’s nothing left. It also keeps us focused here, fighting those forces.”
“And keeps you from taking the fight to it.”
Fallon nodded at her father. “Just exactly right. We’ve still got work to do before we move on that, but once you know the enemy’s tactics—”
“You know how to adjust your own,” Simon finished.
“You got it. We’re going to keep them really busy, deplete their numbers. The PWs may not be destroyed, but they’re severely damaged after last night. They might lift up another leader, but they’ll be weak and scattered and shaken by Arlys’s broadcast.”
“You could see that on Rove’s face,” Lana said. “You could see the shock, not shame but shock, when Allegra shed the mask, when he realized he’d been duped.”
“He can spend the rest of his life in prison thinking about being duped.” Fallon shrugged that off.
“A lot of them will crawl back into their holes, demoralized.” Simon gestured with his mug. “Some will try to hide or remove the PW tats, pretend they had no part in it. And some will try to rally. But they’ll never be the threat they were.” Fallon lifted her mug in turn—soldier to soldier. “We’ll run them to ground when we need to. We’ve been finding and taking out the confinement camps, the labs, and we won’t stop until we get them all. There’s no one in charge there with Hargrove locked up. We’re not, as we were, fighting on multiple fronts. But . . .”
She kept her eyes on her father. “I think we should form specialty teams to work on mopping them up. Forces geared toward hunting them down, the PWs, the militias, taking them out. And we do that before they can recover or regroup.”
“That’s good adjusted tactics.”
“Will you head that up? Refine the training wherever you think it needs to be refined, and take command of that team?”
“You know I will.”
“When he goes, I go.” Knowing her man, Lana held up a hand to ward off Simon’s argument. “They’ll need a healer, and a witch, and I’m both. If the kids needed me here, I’d stay here. They don’t. I go where you go. That’s it, Simon.”
“Don’t pull the that’s it—”
“Did. What’s next, Fallon?”
“We’re going to talk later,” Simon muttered.
“Fine. Next?”
“Okay. Next is a small, special group that can be ready to mobilize and flash out anytime we get word of a Raider camp or attack. I’m going to ask Poe to head that. A third team should be ready to bug out if we learn of any confinement centers or labs we’ve missed. Starr and Troy, I thought. And on all of these, I’d expect our allies to give support if needed. I’ll speak with Vivienne, firm that up.”
She looked over at Mallick, calmly eating his omelette, a slice of toast with damson jam, the pretty fruit compote.
“You’ll need other specialty armies, feeding out of your established bases,” he said as he ate. “Not exclusively magickals, but primarily.”
“Yes. I intend to spend time at every base helping with training.”
“And would like me to do the same—and with less time here to enjoy your mother’s excellent cooking.”
Gray threaded through his hair, and creases had deepened around his eyes, his mouth. She wished she could give him his cottage, his bees—just as she wished she could give her parents the farm.
But the world needed them.
“I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be asking Duncan to rotate, too. I’d like to keep Tonia and Travis here—they’re so solid at the barracks. And as New Hope’s already dealt with three attacks by Petra or her parents, I think we need to keep the others right here, to defend. When Petra finds out—and she may know already—I killed Allegra, she may launch another attack on New Hope. We should stay on high alert.”
“As should you,” Mallick added. “We had Allegra in our midst, and yet none of us saw beneath her false face. Not one of us saw through the disguise of White.”
“She used all she had,” Fallon told him. “For the disguise, to hide under it.”
“Max hurt her. Hurt her and Eric,” Lana said, “in the mountains before we came to New Hope. And after the attack here, I hurt them. Then you, Fallon. You added to that. She never recovered, not fully.”
“That’s right.” It was just, Fallon thought, that the damage to Allegra’s power had started with Max. As it had been just for her father to have ended Eric.
“It’s why she couldn’t attack, why she was weak when she did. It’s why she’s dead.”
“She should have held it until she was away from you,” Lana said. “She should’ve held that mask in place until she was in prison. The damage she might have done once inside to guards and security. But she couldn’t wait. She didn’t have the control to wait with you so close. Petra has more power and more control.”
“It won’t be enough.” Fallon reached over to rub the back of her mother’s hand. “I’ll take care of the dishes. And rather than ask the commanders here, I’m going to talk to them all individually, at their bases, which also gives me the chance to apologize to each individually.”
&nb
sp; “Then if Fallon’s got KP, I’m going to walk over to the barracks. I’ve got a few in mind for the specialty force you’re after. That was great, babe. Thanks.” Simon kissed the top of Lana’s head after he pushed back from the table. “We’re still going to talk later.”
“Uh-huh.”
“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go with Simon. I have a few to consider as well. Thank you, Lana, for the meal.”
“You’re always welcome at our table.”
When they were alone, Fallon shifted to her mother. “Before I start the KP, I’ll start with the apology.”
“There’s no need. Your dad talked to me about it so I understood. I truly did. And everything you said here?” She sighed. “What mother doesn’t want her child to see the world, and all its wonders?”
“I want to take you. I want everyone I love to pick a spot so I can take you where you most want to go.”
“Won’t that be an adventure?” Brows arched, she ran a hand over Fallon’s hair. “Combat knife trim?”
Fallon brushed a hand through it in turn. “Is it that bad?”
“Hmm” was Lana’s answer before she laughed. “So . . . instead of an apology, I’m hoping you’ll tell me about the ring you’re wearing. I’d always imagined you’d be full of excitement when you told me you were engaged.”
“I didn’t want to say anything until it was just you and me.”
“Now it is.”
“It’s really more of a promise. I think, in some ways, we’ve been engaged since before either of us was born. But this is the promise, and the choice for both of us. And I am excited.” She thrust out her hand, and for a moment, a precious one to Lana, was just a young woman in love. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“It is beautiful, and it’s perfect.”
“Don’t cry, Mom.”
“Just a little. He’s exactly what I’d wish for you. Just exactly,” she said and opened her arms.
Within three weeks, Lana joined Simon and the newly formed special forces team on a strike at a PW base in Arkansas. They moved on to Louisiana, across Mississippi, through Alabama.
The Rise of Magicks Page 36