~ ~ ~
A sliver of light through the drapes wakes me. My head is on Liam’s chest, and his arm is around me. I’ve been touching him all night. I want to wake up every morning with him in my arms.
But he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want me to touch him. I lie here and cry quietly, thinking of a boy so traumatized by his father that he thinks he can’t have a normal relationship. What did he do to him? Horrible thoughts bombard me as I think of the possibilities. I won’t ask him. I can’t. It might destroy me having to hear it. Maybe even as much as it would destroy him having to say it.
His breathing changes. “I know you aren’t sleeping.”
“I didn’t want to ruin the moment.”
He rubs my arm gently. “I like this, El. I like you, more than any woman I’ve ever met. But this would be a disaster. You’d hate me and I couldn’t bear that.”
“But this is okay? What we’re doing right now?”
“You’d want more, and I’m incapable of it.”
“Maybe eventually—”
“I’m not what you want, Ella. You deserve better.”
I lift my head and look at him. “So do you, Liam. You deserve so much more.”
He gently pushes me off him. “You’re wrong.”
He gets out of bed and disappears into the bathroom, slamming the door. The door pops back open a bit. The water turns on. I sit up. I can see him through the crack in the door. He slides down the wall to the floor. His head is in his hands, and he’s shaking.
I’ve never felt more helpless in my life.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Liam
She sits at her art desk, sketching, a sandal dangling playfully off her big right toe. Every once in a while, she’ll stop and glance at me. I’m on the bed with the guitar, composing a tune.
“It’s beautiful,” she says. “Is it new?”
I nod, jotting notes on the sheet music. I play faster and harder to get rid of the feeling of wanting her so bad it fucking hurts.
“How do you do that?” she asks. “Your fingers move so fast, and you don’t even look at them.”
“Muscle memory.”
“Can you teach me?”
“You want to learn to play guitar?”
“Sure.” She sits next to me on the bed. “If you’ll trust me with it, that is.” I hand it to her, and she smiles. She strums and then laughs. “It’s not as easy as it looks.” She scoots over and sits between my legs.
“What are you doing?”
“It’ll be easier to show me if I can put my hands on yours.” She snuggles back against me.
“I know what you’re doing, El.”
“I’m learning how to play. Now show me.”
I wrap my arms around her and put my left hand on the fretboard. She places her fingers on top of mine. “This is an E-minor chord. It’s the easiest. Strum like this with your other hand.”
I’m instantly hard. The two things that turn me on more than anything else in this world are in my arms.
We play for a while, her strumming and me doing the chords. I teach her each part of the guitar. She seems genuinely interested, but I think she’s only doing it to be close to me. Maybe she thinks she’ll wear me down or something. I only wish it were that easy.
Someone knocks on the door. “Can you get it?” I ask. “I’ll be right back.”
I slip into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face until my erection wanes. Ella lets out an excited squeal. I open the door and see her hugging Jeremy.
“Liam! Guess what? IRL is buying my sketch for the new album cover.”
“No shit?”
Jeremy nods. “It’s true.”
“How did it happen?” Ella asks. “Ronni hates me.”
“Ronni hates everyone,” I say. “I’d be worried if she didn’t hate you.”
“I didn’t tell her it was yours,” Jeremy says.
I laugh boisterously. “Nice. I want to be there when she finds out who drew it.”
“I’d wait until Ella cashes the check,” he says.
“Look at you,” I tell her. “Children’s book illustrator and now rock album artist. You have quite the résumé.”
“It’s because of you,” she says. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you. It’s going to be a great album. You contributed a whole lot more than the cover.”
She turns red. Jeremy clears his throat. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. See you tonight.” He goes to the door. “Hard to believe we only have two more performances. I think I’m going to miss Florida.”
After he leaves, Ella sits on her bed looking sad.
“What is it?” I ask.
“It just hit me that this will all be over soon.”
I smile. “And to think six weeks ago you didn’t even want to come.”
“I’ve had so much fun. It’s going to be strange being back home, where my days will be so normal and mundane.”
I want to ask her if she’ll miss seeing me every day, but I don’t. “Ouch, Ella. It hurts my ego that you think being friends with a rock star will be normal and mundane.”
“Is that all we are? Friends?”
I feel the wall go up. “Don’t.” I get my running shorts and head to the bathroom.
A few minutes later, we’re at the beach. It’s become easier for me to talk when we run. “You were right, you know. I think I’ll be ready for a 10K soon. Maybe we can enter one in New York.”
“That would be fun.”
It starts raining. Beachgoers quickly pack up their things and jog to their cars. The raindrops make little divots in the sand. The dunes turn a shade darker as the wetness soaks in. “We should find cover.”
“Let’s run through it.”
A dark cloud is approaching. “Ella, it’s raining pretty hard to the west.”
She gazes at me thoughtfully. “My dad once told me that buffalo instinctively head into a storm.”
“Huh?”
“Buffalo. They don’t try to avoid a storm,” she says. “It’s the strangest thing. They don’t stand still, and they don’t run away from it. They walk right through it. It’s almost like they know the storm will be over faster if they face it head on. They know they will come out the other side much quicker than if they stand still or try to run from it.”
I stare at the sky knowing she’s not really talking about buffalo at all. “I don’t want to run through it, El.”
“Why not?”
I take a step toward the boardwalk. “Maybe I’m afraid I won’t come out the other side.”
She takes my hand. “What if I say I want to help you get through it?”
I pull away. “I’d say that’s something nobody can do.”
I get out my phone and summon an Uber.
~ ~ ~
“Crew’s here to see you,” Ella shouts through the bathroom door.
I quickly dress and join them. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Can we talk?” he asks, motioning toward the door.
“Yeah, sure.”
“You’re coming tonight, Ella?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
Out in the hall, he leans against the wall. “What is it?” I ask. “You seem nervous.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small velvet box. He opens it, and there’s a ring inside.
“Holy shit. You’re really going to do this?”
“I want to do it tonight at the show.”
“Why not wait until the last performance?”
“Do you remember that day last year when you all confronted Bria and me with the addendum you wanted us to sign because you thought we were having a relationship?”
“Yeah.”
He opens his notebook and finds a page. He points to the date on the top. It’s today’s date, one year ago. I read the lyrics and recognize the song from our second album. “That’s the day you wrote this?”
“It’s the day I knew I wanted to be with her, but I couldn�
��t admit it to you or myself. It’s the day I felt there could be more, when I thought there was a chance of getting past all the shit that happened. That’s why I need to do it tonight. I’m going to do it right after this song.” He glances behind him to make sure we’re still alone. “Then I’m going to sing a new one. Just me on the keyboard. And there’s something else. I found out her dad lives in the next town over. They haven’t had a relationship in a long time. I reached out to him, and he said he’d come to the show.”
I grab his shoulder. “She’s going to flip out. I couldn’t be happier for you.”
“Do you think she’ll be okay with me doing it onstage?”
“I don’t think she’d want it any other way.”
“You’ll tell the guys?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t say anything to Ella, okay? I know how close she and Bria are now, and I wouldn’t want her to spoil it.”
“My lips are sealed.”
“You’ll stand up with me, won’t you? As my best man?”
My throat tightens. “You know I will, brother.”
“I can’t believe it’s going to happen.” He inclines his head to my door. “You know, it’s not impossible.”
“What’s not?”
“You and Ella. I know you think it is. And I get that my shit was different than yours, but maybe one of these days, you’ll feel like I did—that there could be more. I really want that for you, Liam.”
The door opens and Ella appears. She’s surprised to see us standing in the hall. “Oh, hi. Bria called. I’m meeting her at the souvenir shop next door to pick out some things for everyone back home.” She looks at me and then Crew. “Everything all right?”
“Couldn’t be better,” Crew says.
“Bye then. Be back soon.”
After she gets on the elevator, Crew snorts. He pats me on the shoulder. “What was it you told me last year? Get over your shit and fuck already?”
“Fucking isn’t the problem, man.” I rub my chest. The feeling inside me—it hurts something awful. “It’s everything else.”
Chapter Twenty-eight
Ella
I sit on a beach towel on the grass and watch Reckless Alibi play their second-to-last show. It’s hard to believe we’ve been here six weeks. I don’t want it to end. While I miss New York and my friends, I know everything will change when we get off the plane at JFK on Sunday.
Crew is especially energetic on stage tonight. I guess he’s trying to get the most out of the last few concerts.
What will happen to them after this tour? When they go back home, will they get recognized? Will they be in high demand? Liam told me the whole point of going to Florida over spring break was to garner new fans from all over the country. Millions of young people vacation here, and the hope is they will see Reckless Alibi and then go back and tell their friends.
I see a couple familiar faces front and center. The girls have been following the band, coming to almost every concert. I’m pretty sure Garrett has slept with both of them.
Crew runs offstage after a song, and I straighten. Their set is always the same. He’s never done this before.
He returns moments later, walks over to Bria, and sits her on a stool next to the keyboard. She seems confused. The rest of the band is smiling. Liam winks at me.
Crew takes the mic and speaks to the crowd. “What most of you don’t know is that this woman is the reason we’re on this tour. A little more than a year ago, she joined Reckless Alibi. Before her, we were an all-male band. But something was always missing.” He turns to her. “Something was missing from more than just the band.”
He pulls a small box from his jeans pocket and gets down on one knee. The audience screams and then goes silent. Bria’s jaw drops and she stifles a happy cry.
He takes the ring from the box. “Brianna Cash, you’ve saved me in so many ways, professionally and personally. Writing lyrics with you is fun, rewarding, and if I might say, a huge turn-on.”
The audience snickers.
“You’re my best friend, my inspiration, my soon-to-be roommate. We’ve made incredible memories on this tour, but this is only the beginning. I can’t wait to write more songs about our life together and the amazing journey we’re about to begin. About the children we bring into the world.”
Bria cries. Her hands steeple over her nose and then she wipes away tears.
I expect Liam to be watching them, like everyone else. He’s not. His eyes are on me.
“After I bought this ring last week, I wrote a song. I want to sing it for you. But first you have to say the one word I’m looking for.” He holds the ring out. “Will you please marry me and be my partner in life? My writing buddy. My co-lead singer. My wife?”
She slides off the stool onto her knees in front of him. She puts her hands on either side of his face. “Yes.”
Cheers and whistles erupt from the crowd as he slips the ring on her finger and they kiss. Crew helps her back on the stool, picks up the mic, and says, “Bear with me. My hands are shaking, and I promised her a song.”
He serenades her with one of the most emotional songs I’ve ever heard. His voice cracks several times. I’m sure there isn’t a dry eye in the place. Even some of the men are surreptitiously wiping their cheeks. Liam is standing off to the side with Brad and Garrett. He glances at me and smiles. But it’s a sad smile.
My heart thunders and then falls when I realize I’m in love with a man I’ve only known for seven weeks. A man who thinks he’s damaged beyond repair and can never have a real relationship.
And I cry.
After Crew’s song, they finish their set and then he carries Bria offstage. Tom lets me back to congratulate them. I’m hugging her when she stiffens. “Dad?”
An older man approaches. “I hope it’s okay that I came. Chris called last week and thought I’d want to be here. I decided I’ve missed too much of your life already.”
Bria runs into his arms. Her dad basically checked out of her life when her mom died on 9/11. Her brother, Brett, practically raised her. She hasn’t seen her father in five years, not since the day she graduated high school and he moved to Florida.
A proposal and a reunion on the same day. She’s one lucky girl.
The band goes out front to sign autographs. I follow. The two familiar girls are the first to get to them. “Liam!” one of them screams. He walks over. The short blonde girl jumps on him. He has no choice but to catch her. She locks her legs around his waist. “Take me home tonight.”
“Uh …” He glances at me.
“Give me something to remember you by,” she says loudly. “I promise you’ll never forget it.”
He puts her down and motions to Jeremy. Jeremy throws him a T-shirt, and Liam gives it to the girl. “How about this?”
The girl eyes the shirt and smiles deviously. Then, right here in front of hundreds of people, she takes her shirt off, exposing her bare chest, and slowly, making sure Liam gets a good look, puts on the Reckless Alibi tee.
She leans close and whispers something to him. He shakes his head, then moves to another group of fans. She pouts and stomps away.
Girl after girl fawns over him, all wanting a piece of him. It dawns on me that I’m one of them, wanting a man I can never have.
~ ~ ~
“There you are,” Liam says, easing into a squat beside me. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Mind if I sit?”
I make room for him on my towel. Bright moonlight cuts a path across the water, giving me something to look at other than him.
He elbows me. “That was some show, huh?”
“I’m happy for them.”
“They deserve it after everything they’ve been through.”
I dig my toes into the cool sand. “So do you.”
“Can we not have this conversation again?”
I lean my head against his shoulder. He doesn’t pull away.
“You’re emotional,” he says. “He proposed and
sang her a love song, and they’re going to ride off in the sunset or some shit like that. And now you want what they have.”
“That’s not true,” I lie.
“What do you want then?”
“You. I want you, Liam.” He lies back, and I lie next to him. “We could be together, you know. I don’t have to touch you.”
“I won’t be with you that way. It’s … dirty.”
“Even if I say it’s okay?”
“I can’t, El. Not like that. Not with you.”
“Can I just lie with you then?”
A long sigh escapes him, then he moves his arm so I can snuggle into him. I put my head on his chest, then my hand, hoping he doesn’t protest.
His heart pounds under my ear as he strokes my hair. We listen to the sound of the waves lapping on the beach. I dare to trace the outline of his nipple. He sucks in a breath, leans in, and presses his lips to my forehead. It’s the most sensual gesture he’s made. I crane my neck and look up at him. “Kiss me.”
He doesn’t move.
“Kiss me, Liam.”
“Ella.”
“You’ve done it twice. We both know what it feels like. I know you want to, and you think about it as much as I do. I want you to kiss me. I want you to touch me.” I take his hand and put it on my breast. “Please.”
He pushes me onto the ground and gets on top of me, closing his fingers around my wrists and pinning my hands above my head. He gazes into my eyes, his pupils large and inviting, then he lowers his mouth to mine. When my lips part for him, he growls. It’s desperate. It’s sexy. I close my eyes, wanting it to last forever. Needing it to be enough. Every time we kiss, it’s better than the one before.
He frees my hands so he can touch me, skimming a finger down my side, making me shiver. He puts a hand between us to hold my breast. His touch is as gentle as his kiss. How can he be this caring, this sensual, and be afraid of what comes next?
His lips find mine again. His tongue becomes more demanding. I’m putty in his arms, willing to do whatever it takes to have him. When my fingers weave through his hair, he rolls off me, breaking all contact.
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