by Tammi Lynn
Baby Daddy: I’m sorry.
Sorry? He’s sorry? He’s sorry that he just ripped my heart out and stomped on it? Or sorry that he was just an ass and accused me of all that. He’s sorry. He’s always sorry, and it gets to a time when the word starts to mean nothing at all. And at the same time, I wish he was here to hold me, to tell me sorry in person, to take all of what he said back and be with me. I send him two texts before crying myself to sleep on my bedroom floor.
Me: Ludacris and JoJo, Fuck Apologies.
Me: Jessie Reyez, Figures.
The bottom was a very low and bad place for me. I began drinking a lot, almost every day. I didn’t take good care of myself, barely ate anything, and lost a lot of weight. I was lost in my depression and slept a lot of the time in the beginning. After the first wave of depression, I hit another and decided to lose myself, even more, having one night stands and staying out at all times of the night.
Looking back now and seeing all I put Miklo through, having him watch me go through a downward spiral that he shouldn’t have, hurts so much to think about. He had to see more than he ever should, and I resented Dre for it despite it being my actions. I hated that he had and has that much control over me.
It took having to leave our apartment in the west valley to stay with my mom on the east side in Queen Creek to pull me out of it. She helped me stand back on my feet, bringing me up when I felt down. Reminding me what’s important, and instating a no drinking rule in the house, even at my then thirty-one years of age. I’ll never forget her love and strength for me, she never judged me, never tried to hold any of it over me. Leaving her behind was really hard, but I need to be able to hold myself up. To hold myself up with no one else’s strength but my own, and I know I’m not strong enough yet to do that within reach of Dre. The man was toxic, and I knew no one was coming to save me. I had to save myself.
Over the past two years, after my low, I began to slowly feel better, so of course, he came back with a vengeance and started to get in my head again. Pulling me in for hugs when I’d drop Miklo off with him, swift kisses, whispered I love you’s in my ear, and late-night phone calls to talk about anything and everything. It was when I started to feel down again in-between times of talking to and seeing him that I told myself enough was enough and made the drastic decision to move.
I had mentioned it to my mom, and within the hour, she had my Aunt Cathy on the phone helping to plan my escape. By the end of that week, my Aunt Cathy had secured me a job as a receptionist/bookkeeper at her friend’s tax business, and a furnished house rented from the same friend, the rent to be paid out of some of my wages earned. I started wondering what kind of friend this was to my Aunt and told myself I’d have to ask her when I saw her. And now two months later, a week before the school season starts, we’re on our way to our new life in Washington.
It all happened so fast. Working as much as I could to save up for our new start, our new adventure. Un-enrolling Miklo from his Junior High and faxing paperwork to get him enrolled in the local Sammamish Junior High. Saying our goodbyes and sending love to our family and friends. Then having to pack everything we could up, placing a lot in storage, and only taking with us what we could pack into our little Nissan Frontier truck. In a way, it was cleansing because everything and everyone that we're at the very center of my heart was packed in our small truck driving north.
Those last goodbyes were the hardest though. I held my mom so tight and didn’t let go until she promised she would visit soon. If there was one thing, I wished to change about the move? It was her not coming with. But our final goodbye? That was the worst. We stopped by Dre’s house on our way out.
Yesterday...
Pulling into Dre’s neighborhood, my anxiety starts to bubble like it is going to take control, and I nearly turn the vehicle back around in the other direction. I can’t do this, I can’t see him and let him change my mind. But I have to so Miklo can say goodbye to his dad, and I have to be strong for him. That’s what this is all about, me getting stronger. Me getting better so that I can show my son, the boy who looks up at me every day, how to be the best person you can be.
When I pull up alongside his lawn and park, he comes out of the house, obviously having been waiting for us, and I take a deep breath before unbuckling my seatbelt and opening the truck door to get out. Miklo passes by his dad without a word and heads inside to hug and say goodbye to his three siblings, so Dre turns and heads toward me.
Grabbing me and pulling me in for a hug he buries his head in my neck. Speaking against my neck and sending unwanted tingles through my body he says, “Please don’t do this, Ma, please don’t go, it’s not too late to change your mind.”
Choking on a sob, trying to keep it together, I manage to whisper out, “I have to. I have to do this, you’re tearing me apart, and I have to be stronger for Miklo. He deserves that. I deserve that.”
“Come on, we can work this out. I’ll try to be around more.”
“I don’t want you sometimes, Dre. I want you all the time. I don’t want to share you and always be the one home alone. The other woman. You’re never gonna leave her.”
“Baby…”
“Don’t. Don’t call me baby anymore. I’m not yours, and you have Lisa. Where is she anyway? I figured she’d come outside for this too.”
“She went to her mom’s, I didn’t want her around to start drama, and I wanted to see you without her here.”
“Well, thanks for that, I guess.” My tone is half sarcastic and half frustrated. He’s worried about his other baby momma starting drama? He wanted to see me without her here? I nearly got back in the truck. This was so messed up.
He still had his arms around me, and I’m keeping myself tense, trying not to feel anything by being in his arms. Bringing his head up, he looks down at me, and I can’t help but stare into his chocolate brown eyes. He smiles, that smile I love so much that I’m going to miss so much, and I start to cry.
“Please don’t cry Baby, just stay. Lisa and I aren’t even getting along. I’m going to leave her.”
Liar. He’s lying, and I know he is, those lies no longer sounding beautiful from his lips. I start to shake my head and he grabs the back of my head with one hand and crushes his lips to mine. My body slackens and he has to hold me up with his other hand to keep me from falling and breaking apart in his bruising kiss. My tears are now wet on his cheeks as well and I can taste their saltiness on my lips. To him, this probably tastes like hope, to me? A much-needed goodbye.
When he finally releases me, I’m able to sob out. “Then prove it. Goodbye, Dre, I love you so much, but I can’t do this anymore.” Turning away from him so I don’t rush back into his arms. I get back into the truck, shut the door, and buckle in. I don’t look up at Dre until I see Miklo come out of the house. He heads over to him and gives him a big hug that is hard for me to watch, they say a few words, and then Miklo comes and gets into the truck with me. He buckles in and turns his head to stare out the window and away from me. Not looking towards where Dre is standing, I drive away.
We aren’t gone but five minutes when I hear my text notification go off. I read it while at a stoplight.
Baby Daddy: Sam Smith, Stay With Me.
I pull over to the side of the road and park in front of someone’s house because we haven’t entirely left the neighborhood yet. I decide to send him a Sam Smith song back along with another.
Me: Sam Smith, I’m Not The Only One.
Me: Bebe Rexha, Meant To Be.
We had driven off and didn’t stop till we reached almost halfway, stopping in Beaver, Utah for the night to get some rest. Miklo had refused to talk during yesterday’s drive, our night at the hotel, and today except for when he asked about getting a drink at the gas station. It hurts that he’s so mad at me, I know he’ll get over it, but it’s always just been him, and I. He’s my Lil buddy, my son and a friend.
Looking up I’m shocked to find that we are now just outside of Sammamish. I ha
d gotten so lost in my thoughts the drive seemed to take no time at all, and I don’t remember much of the actual driving if I can be honest about it. Scanning my eyes around I take it all in. It’s so different from the desert in Arizona to all the trees and green I see here.
I pull out my phone and enter our new address into Google maps to help guide me through all the streets. In no time I’m turning down our new road, and I take a deep breath and say to myself.
“Okay Mia, this is it, your brand new start.”
Chapter Two
Home Sweet Home
As I pull up to the house, I look around, and my eyes go wide. “Whoa!” The house is nice. A cute white, two-bedroom home with navy blue awnings and shutters. But that’s not what I’m looking at. Next door is a larger two-story house, also white but with red trimming, with probably four of the hottest guys I’ve ever seen.
Yup, not just one, but four. They are playing basketball with a hoop on the garage in the driveway. You’ve gotta be kidding me? I’m never lucky, and, this feels lucky. My cheeks heat with a blush, and I quickly drop my gaze down, not wanting to get caught staring. I’ve always been shy. At least almost always at first, it’s when I really get to know you or I’ve had liquid courage in my belly that you find out I can be hard to shut up.
I grab my purse and look over at Miklo, his head leaning back against the seat, eyes closed, and earbuds in. I can faintly hear A.J.R’s I’m Ready playing. I nudge him and get him to open his eyes.
“Hey Bubbs, we’re here.” He looks at me, doesn’t say anything, and then looks out the window at our new home. Still silent, he gets out, grabs his backpack and heads for the front door. A small sigh comes out of me, and I slowly unbuckle my seatbelt, telling the yowling cats in the kennel in the back seat, that ‘we’ll be right back for them.’ I grab my purse, and the manila folder with the keys to the house, that Aunt Cathy had sent with the rental papers to us in Phoenix before we left. Knowing she would be out of town when we arrived.
Heading towards the door, I walk head down, repeating over and over in my head, don’t look over at the hotties, don’t you dare look over at them. I start feeling all of their eyes suddenly turn towards me as they all of a sudden stop playing, their laughter and banter going quiet. My pace picks up almost there. I was talking about my non-luck before… the crack in the walkway a few feet before the door rears up and reminds me of it when I trip and fly into the door. Barely stopping myself from kissing wood, when I raise my hands up last minute to stop my momentum and brace them on the door. Fuuuck! Shoot me now! Miklo looks up at me, waiting to be let in, a smirk on his face. Sure he smiles now, the Lil shit. I hurriedly grab the keys out of the envelope, fingers fumbling, and unlock the door, pushing my way in and trying to steady my breathing.
Leaving the door open, we take a quick look around at our new place. It’s small but cute and has a very homey feeling to it. It has an open concept, and when you first walk in, you enter the kitchen area which has black appliances, and dark marble countertops, with a matching island that has three barstools on one side. Where the tile of the kitchen ends the plush carpet of the living room begins. It has a dark grey suede sectional sofa with a black coffee table against one wall and a large flat screen tv on an entertainment center against the opposite wall. I can see a patio with a small table and chair set on it in the backyard through a pair of sliding glass arcadia doors. Wow when my Aunt said the house would be furnished, I didn’t expect it to be this nice.
Turning to the left is a long hallway with a bathroom at the end. Two doors on each side of the hall, one for Miklos bedroom that faces the backyard, and one for my master bedroom that faces the front. Miklo immediately heads into his new room to check it out and drop off his backpack, while I head into mine. I love my new room, a queen-sized bed, and the walk-in closet enough to get me excited, with its extra shelves and floor to ceiling mirror on its door. I have a bit of a clothing addiction, and I can’t wait to fill the sucker up with new clothes and shoes. Then there’s the bathroom, a long counter and mirror, a standing shower with glass doors and an attached seat and a separate tub extra deep and jacuzzi style. I can’t wait to take advantage of the tub.
Placing my purse on the bed, I leave the room to grab Miklo, and we head back outside to start unpacking the truck. When we get outside, I stop short at what I see in front of me. Three out of the four guys from next door are leaning against the truck waiting for us to come out.
As we get closer to the truck, the tallest of the three straightens up and holds out his hand for me to shake. “Hi. We thought you might like some help unloading your truck?”
Grabbing his hand to shake, it completely engulfs mine, and I have to look up to see his face, he is so much taller than my small size. He has brown hair that falls into his blue eyes and is dressed in a black wifebeater that hugs his chest and abs tight, and navy blue basketball shorts that hang dangerously low on his hips, I run my eyes up and down taking him in. It’s when I raise them back up and see the knowing smirk on his face that I remember he had asked me a question.
“Um, thank you. That would actually be really great. I’m Mia, and this is my son, Miklo.” He continues to hold onto my hand, so I gesture towards Miklo with a nod.
“Well, welcome to the neighborhood. I’m Jayson Jackson.”
Another of the guys steps forward to grab my hand, having to take it out of Jayson’s gentle grip. He’s tall as well, maybe an inch shorter than Jayson. He has dark brown hair a few inches long in tight ringlet curls on the top of his head, and the most startling blue/grey eyes against his beautiful mocha colored complexion. He’s not wearing a shirt just a pair of red basketball shorts and his arms, chest, and abs are on full mouth-watering display. A tattoo covers his right shoulder and chest, trailing all the way to his right wrist.
“Names Roman Briggs and the knucklehead behind me is my brother Jesse Briggs. It’s a pleasure to meet you two.” He gives me a big smile, and I can’t help but give him one back.
Turning towards Jesse, who has also started coming toward me, I have to do a double-take between him and Roman. Did he say, brothers? Jesse has medium length blonde hair in one of those messy, sexy styles, bright blue eyes, and skin tanned from the sun. Like Roman, he is also not wearing a shirt, and he has full sleeves of colorful tattoos up and down both muscular arms. His black, you guessed it, basketball shorts hang low on his hips like his brothers and Jayson’s.
He reaches me and grabs my hand, lifting it to his lips and pressed a kiss to my knuckles before saying. “His better-looking brother is what he meant to say.” Seeing the confusion on my face, he explains. “Mom married his dad when we were four, and then his dad adopted me. The best thing that ever happened to Roman was getting to be my brother.” The last comment earned him a slap to the back of the head from Roman, and we all laugh.
Hearing the roar of a motorcycle rev up, I look over to their driveway where the noise is coming from and see the fourth neighbor lowering the visor on his helmet. He takes off down the street past my lawn on a gorgeous chrome and black Harley without even a glance our way.
Once he is no longer in sight, Jayson says. “That’s Cade, he lives with us too, I’m sure you’ll get to meet him later. He can... um, he can be a little quiet sometimes.”
A loud yowl from the truck reminds me I need to unload the cats from their kennel first. My poor fur babies hate being in the car and have already spent so much time in the vehicle today, as well as the drive yesterday and unfamiliar hotel room last night. Jayson turns and reaches into the backseat of the truck and pulls them out. “Where should I put these two?”
“Oh, you guys really don’t mind helping?”
“Of course not, what are neighbors for right?” Ooh trust me, I can find a lot of things.
“Ok, well If you guys wouldn’t mind just putting everything in the living room, I can slowly start unpacking things from there later.”
The three guys, Miklo, and I all start to unload th
e truck. They all keep handing me lighter boxes, and I usually would be offended by that, but as it stood, I may become a hazard with too heavy of a box. I have to keep trying not to stare at their bodies, muscles rippling under the weight of all the heavy ones, and I’ve found myself nearly tripping because of my distraction several times.
I’m walking behind Roman, enjoying the view when I see a quick flash of black streak out of the house.
“Mom! Ghera got out!” So that’s what the black streak was. My fat, black, pain in the ass cat Ghera. He loves to be outside and will escape any chance he gets, unlike his sister Stella, a petite calico, who prefers to stay indoors.
“Miklo will you please catch him? You know if I try he’s going to think I’m playing a game of hide and go seek, and I’ll never catch him.”
“I’ll get him.”
“I’ll get him.”
Roman and Jesse say at the same time sounding eerily twinlike, and putting the boxes in their hands down and taking off after my darn cat before I can warn them not to. Ghera loves games and loves to run off. I’m about to still warn them to stop, that they’ll never catch him when I see them both slip and fall in the grass, Ghera darting back and forth between them but just out of reach. I can’t help but bust out laughing. Seeing these two big, muscular guys, chasing my cat around and falling on their asses. I’ve gotta say it's adorable. Miklo finally comes back out of the house, walks right up to Ghera, picks him up, and takes him into the house.
“Lock him in the bathroom for now if you could please Bubbs?” I call out to him. Turning back to the brothers, I try to stifle my laughs and explain. “I’m so sorry guys, I was going to warn you that he’d never let you catch him. Miklo is like the cat whisperer or something and is usually the only one who can get him. I don’t even try anymore.”