But I had to shove that away today. Today, my two best friends were getting married. They fought like hell to get here, and I refused to be anything but elated for them both. I plastered on the biggest grin I could muster until my cheeks ached to give them the day they deserved.
Even though Jack should have been Evan’s best man. Even though he should have shared a dance with the cousin he loved like a sister on the most important day of her life. At least he saw them fall in love. In fact, he predicted this day before anyone else did. My husband always worried about Paige and died content in knowing she had someone who loved her enough to overlook the “stupid shit she liked to pull.”
I strolled down the long hallway to the dressing room they were calling the bridal suite today. Evan and Paige put their wedding together in a couple of weeks. The owner of the restaurant was a long-time customer of Taylor’s Flooring, the company Jack owned and left to Evan. Although it wasn’t the biggest of places, it had good food and a room with a dance floor. The wedding itself was more for show, as they were both perfectly happy trudging down to City Hall and saying vows in front of a judge. Paige’s mother wasn’t having any of that, but Evan refused to wait any longer to marry his “Daisy.” After an awful lupus flare had brought Paige to the ICU last year, Evan told me he was done wasting any more time. I was sure Jack’s death had a little to do with that, too. Since he was first diagnosed with leukemia, Jack’s favorite line used to be ‘live for today.’ I had a hard time abiding by that as, other than my son, there wasn’t anything about any day to live for.
Since Jack’s funeral, I ‘got by’ more than I lived.
“Paige?” I tapped on the door and inched it open.
Paige’s back was to me, her long blonde hair flowing down her shoulders in loose curls. Her folded hands were pressed against her lips as her elbows rested on the vanity. She turned her head, and her body jerked when she saw me standing there.
“Geez, Ellie.” Paige’s emerald eyes were glassy as her lips tilted in a smile. “Those tiny feet make you a great ninja.” A tear escaped the corner of her eye, and she swiped it away as though she were adjusting her makeup.
“Yeah, we little folk are sneaky. Are you okay?” Paige turned away from me as she nodded a little too quickly.
“Fine. I guess this is all hitting me. I’m actually getting married, Ellie. After all this time, after all I put Evan through, it’s surreal to be this happy, you know?” Paige looked into the mirror and smoothed the tendrils of hair framing her face. Her lacy strapless dress hugged every curve perfectly. Evan would melt the second he laid eyes on her.
“You sure that’s it?” I settled on the chair next to her and brushed the hair off her shoulder.
“I . . . I can’t bother you with this, Ellie.” Paige reached for her lip gloss and tried in vain to coat her lips with a steady hand.
I laughed to myself. I was Jack’s widow, but most definitely not the only person affected by his loss. But since I was his wife, everyone thought my grief outranked theirs and were afraid to mourn him in front of me. I supposed if my son were older than a baby and remembered his father, they would treat him the same way.
“Try me.” I propped my elbow on the vanity and rested my chin on my hand, lifting an eyebrow.
Her chest heaved as she drew in a deep breath. “He’s supposed to be here! We did everything together! Communion, confirmation, every graduation, we shared the same birthday for Christ’s sake. This is the most important day of my life, and where the hell is Jack?” Paige pinched the bridge of her nose as a sad chuckle fell from her lips. “And the funny part is I’m actually mad at him for that. Like really pissed off, as if he died on purpose. I need fucking help.” Her jaw clenched as she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Ellie.”
I nodded and put my arms around her shoulders. “You and Jack grew up like twins. Closer than any siblings I ever knew. Today is your wedding day. I’m so sorry he’s not here to celebrate with you because I know there is nothing he would have loved more than to see you marry Evan. He loved you so much, and you loved him. I’ll let you take the grief baton for the day.”
Paige burst out into giggles and dropped her head to the table. I kissed the top of her head and pushed her back.
“Now stop! You don’t want to ruin your makeup.”
“Ellie, I think they put this shit on with a roller. I’ll be scrubbing it off for days.”
I laughed and rose from my seat. “I’ll go find Evan and your uncle and tell them you’re ready.”
Paige picked up her bouquet of daisies and ran her fingers along the delicate petals. She nodded with a wistful smile. “I sure am.”
I left Paige and sauntered down the hallway to the banquet room. Everyone was in place, including the jumpy groom pacing around the entrance.
“Hey, Evan.” My eyes widened as I took in the sight of him. “You could seriously stop traffic in that tux.”
Evan gave me a sheepish grin and shrugged. He had no clue how devastatingly handsome he was in just work clothes and a tool belt. In a black on black tuxedo that fit his body to perfection, he was outright stunning. I smiled, remembering the tall and lanky kid I first met in high school. He was a sweetheart even then, and after the tough life he had, I was delighted he finally got the girl he always wanted.
“How’s my Daisy?”
“She’s good. Excited to marry you. Sad about Jack not being here to see it.” I pursed my lips, and Evan gave me a sad nod.
“She’s not the only one.” He let out a long sigh. “Jack was always there, and I took for granted he always would be. But I think he’s here today. He told me he wouldn’t miss it.”
I let out a sad chuckle. “He told me the same thing.”
Evan’s lips ticked up in a smirk. “I may have proof.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a white piece of paper and handed it to me.
“What’s this?” My brows pulled together as I spied Evan’s smile.
“The owner gave us all the alcohol today for free, as a gift for all the work we’ve done for them over the years. Jack told me he would turn water into wine at our wedding, just like Jesus did. I’m reaching, but I’m taking this as confirmation that my best man is right by my side today.”
A tear snuck up on me and rolled down my cheek. That was the kind of man Jack was. If there was any way he could be here today, he would. And turning water into wine would totally be his MO.
I almost lost it when Evan and Paige teared up at the first sight of each other as her uncle, Jack’s father, walked her down the aisle, and then again when Evan sang in her ear as they danced. They were completely in love, and even though I was so happy they found their way back to each other, it made the loneliness I thought I’d gotten used to palpable and stifling. Sadness washed over me and left me strolling around in a haze. I needed to accept that that part of my life was over. Yes, I was only in my thirties, but I didn’t want anyone else but Jack—and couldn’t see how that would ever change.
“C’mon, Mrs. Taylor! Time to cut a rug.” Jack grabbed my hand and twirled me around before pulling me flush to his chest.
“Cut a rug? Did you join the Rat Pack?” I let a smirk twist my lips as he laughed in my ear.
“There’s a new generation of timeless swagger—Harry Connick, Jr., Michael Buble, me. It’s rumored that Frank Sinatra was a distant cousin on our Italian side. You married into coolness.”
I brought my eyes to his and shook my head, wrapping my arms around my new husband’s neck as we swayed back and forth. Cameras flashed in my peripheral vision. There was nowhere else to look except for Jack’s piercing blue eyes.
“You’re so humble.”
We stopped dancing as his heated gaze speared me in place on the dance floor. He dipped me for a long passionate kiss, causing a symphony of whistles and cat calls from our wedding guests.
“I’m so lucky,” he murmured against my lips.
I grabbed my coat and strolled out to the courtyard in the back.
White lights draped over the outer gates and twinkled against the darkness. In the warmer months, it would be beautiful to enjoy, but for right now in late January, it was cold and spooky. I settled myself on the cold concrete bench next to the glass door. As hard as I fought not to crumble, I was only human. At the end of the day, I was a girl who loved a boy her entire life, struggling to function in a world without him.
“Friend of the bride or groom?” I jumped at the deep timbre of the voice beside me. I was so into my thoughts I didn’t hear anyone approach.
“Um, both, I guess. Paige is family and Evan is a close friend.” I lifted my head to the man towering over me. The light was at his back, blocking the features on his face.
“Mind if I sit?” He motioned to the empty space on the bench beside me.
I shook my head and shrugged. “No, go right ahead.” He settled next to me, and I felt even smaller than usual. His large frame dwarfed mine.
“Nick … I’m a college friend of Evan’s.” He extended his hand, and I raised my eyes to him as I took it. Even in the dim lighting, I could make out his warm but striking dark eyes. “Seeing him finally marry Paige was worth a trip from Florida for me.”
I chuckled and nodded. “Ellie. Everyone seemed to know but her.”
Nick let out an exaggerated sigh. “If I had a dollar for every time I said ‘Just tell her,’ I’d be rich.” He shook his head and laughed. “So, what is a beautiful woman like you doing out in the cold all by herself?” He raised an eyebrow, then held his gaze on me as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. The light illuminated the strong planes of his jaw and full lips. Despite being in the throes of my personal pity party, I couldn’t help but like what I saw.
I exhaled and stared at the ground. “I needed a little air, I guess.” I stuffed my hands under my folded arms, but it didn’t make one ounce of difference. I was freezing my lonely ass off.
“You’re shivering. Know where it’s nice and warm?” Nick cocked his head.
“Where?” I squinted my eyes and shrugged.
“The bar inside. Have a drink with me?” He rose from the bench and extended his hand to me. I jerked away on instinct.
It was on the tip of my tongue to say, ‘No thank you, I’m married,’ but . . . I wasn’t, was I? And I’d spent enough time feeling sorry for myself tonight. My toes were frozen inside my high heels, and an alcoholic beverage with an attractive man who didn’t regard me with pity in his eyes sounded lovely.
“Sure.” I slipped my hand inside his and followed him inside. I craned my head around the mostly empty restaurant. Evan and Paige were long gone, starting their lives together. I hoped the rest of their lives were longer than the one I had with Jack.
I settled into a bar stool and dug into my purse. “I think the open bar ended when the bride and groom made a break for it.” Nick placed his hand over mine and shook his head.
“Put your money away. On me, whatever you’d like.” His mouth split into a wide grin as he settled next to me. He was good-looking enough outside under the soft lights. Inside and up close, he was gorgeous. He raked his hands through his short black hair before sliding into the stool next to mine. The dark suit he wore clung to his large muscular frame. Light brown eyes with longer lashes than any man had a right to fixed on me, and I was ashamed to admit I enjoyed it.
I pursed my lips and fought a smile. “Bailey’s on ice. Please.”
His smile grew even wider as he nodded. “You got it.” He called the bartender over to order our drinks as my eyes fell to my folded hands. My engagement ring twinkled at me, and I covered it with my other hand as I turned to face Nick.
“So, you said you lived in Florida?”
“Yes. Not too far from Tampa. I still have family in the Bronx; they live in Castle Hill. I took a long weekend to visit everyone.” Nick placed my drink in front of me, and I took a long sip from the thin black straw.
“Thank you. That’s nice. They must be happy about that.” I stirred the white liquid as my eyes darted from his. For some reason, it made me uncomfortable to hold his gaze for too long.
“They are. I try to visit as much as I can. My dad won’t admit it, but he hasn’t been feeling well lately, so I’ve been trying to visit more often. My grandmother will probably live to be a hundred.” Nick rolled his eyes and shook his head, making an unexpected laugh escape me.
“You only met Evan in college?”
“Yeah, two boys from the Bronx met in Philadelphia. He’s a great guy; I’m sure I don’t have to tell you.”
I nodded as a smile tugged at my lips. Evan was one of the best people I knew. “He sure is.”
We spent the next hour making small talk. Nick was charming and funny. It felt good to laugh and to not force a smile. My face ached from doing that for most of the night.
“So.” Nick put down his whiskey sour as his eyes bored into mine. “Were you . . . here with anyone tonight?”
I grimaced and looked away. “No. No, I wasn’t.”
Nick let out a long sigh. “I’m being too forward and making you uncomfortable, aren’t I?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m enjoying your company. I’m not uncomfortable, really.” I gave Nick a big smile, ignoring the pang of guilt at being unfaithful. Jack had been gone for almost a year; there was no one to be faithful to. My head was aware, but my heart vehemently disagreed.
Nick’s shoulders drooped with relief. “Good. You’re . . . really beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I whispered as I sipped my creamy drink. The heat coming from Nick’s stare was making me squirm a bit.
“Took me a while to work up the nerve to talk to you. I was sure you were with someone. How could you not be?” Nick’s voice dropped to a husky rasp as my eyes locked with his. I didn't know what to do with the sudden flip-flop in my belly from Nick’s words and undivided attention. It was time to put the brakes on whatever this was turning out to be.
I took a deep breath and put my hands on the bar. “I was with someone, but not anymore. My husband died a little less than a year ago.”
Nick straightened as his eyes grew wide. “Oh, shit. You’re Ellie, Jack’s wife?”
I nodded. “Yes, I am.” The right answer would have been “Yes, I was,” but I didn’t know when I’d ever be able to refer to my marriage in the past tense.
“I’m so sorry. I knew Jack. He came to visit Evan a couple of times at school. Nice guy. Ballbuster, but a good guy.”
I laughed as I tried to hide a rogue tear streaming down my cheek. “Thank you. Yes, that was my husband all right.”
Nick rubbed the back of his head as he grimaced at me. “I feel like a jerk now.”
I dropped my hand to Nick’s forearm and shook my head. “Stop that. You aren’t. If anything, you cheered me up.”
“I . . . was actually about to ask you out to dinner. I’m here until next Tuesday, but . . .”
I gave Nick a sad smile. “But . . . I’m sure your family wants to see you anyway. You wouldn’t want to waste time with me.”
Nick’s face fell as he narrowed his eyes. “I’ve only known you for an hour, but I’m pretty sure any time with you would be worth it.”
My cheeks heated as I rose from my seat. “That’s very sweet. I better go. I have a babysitter, but I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate me staying out all night.”
Nick stood from his seat and downed the rest of his drink. “Another night, then.” We both laughed. “Do you have a ride home?”
“Yes, I’ll get my car from the valet and be home in half an hour.”
“You’re okay to drive?” His brow furrowed in concern.
“I only had the one drink. It was really nice to meet you, Nick.”
Nick gave me a wistful smile. “Jack was a lucky guy. Goodnight, Ellie.”
“Goodnight, Nick.” I smiled and turned to make my way to the exit. Lucky? Right. Lucky would have meant Jack would have been here tonight, with all the people he loved the most.
>
Nick grabbed my wrist. He pressed a lingering kiss on my cheek that made the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I stiffened and shut my eyes.
I made my way out of the restaurant and handed my ticket to the valet. Unable to help myself, I swiveled my head and glanced back inside. I couldn’t tell if Nick was still sitting there or not. My car pulled up, and after handing the driver a couple of dollar bills, I drove off and headed home. Did I regret not agreeing to a dinner with Nick or thinking about going? I laughed to myself. In a week, he’d be on a plane back to Florida, and I’d be back to my comfortable life of solitude with my baby boy—no harm, no foul. A faint smile slanted my lips as I climbed the outside steps to my house. Whatever it was, it was a nice hour.
The first thing that greeted me as I opened the door was Jack’s wailing. I dropped my coat and purse on one of my dining room chairs and sprinted down the hall to his room.
“Hey, Mrs. Ferguson. Is he okay?” Jack’s chubby face was red and soaked with tears. She bounced him up and down as she paced in front of his crib, but judging by the concern and exhaustion on her face; she’d been doing it for a while with no success.
“He’s only been like this for half an hour. He woke up crying from a sound sleep. No fever and his diaper was more or less dry.” She tsked as she moved Jack to her other shoulder and rubbed his back.
“I’m sorry for the trouble.” I scooped him out of her arms and laid him against my shoulder. He let out a couple of whimpers before his crying ceased.
“He’s no trouble at all. Aw, see that? He just wanted his mommy.” Mrs. Ferguson kissed Jack’s temple. “I’ll let myself out and lock up. Have a good night.”
I nodded as she made her way out the door. Settling into the rocker next to Jack’s crib, I cradled him closer to my chest. His blue eyes, the exact replicas of his father’s, dried up as he studied me. This was real life. Drinks with attractive men with gorgeous dark eyes weren’t on the docket for me—now or ever. All we had was each other, and that’s how it needed to stay.
Think Twice Page 23