by Mandi Lynn
The groups chatter along, and even though my voice is loud, they aren’t alarmed. Giles comes forward at the sound of his name.
“Have you seen Hadley and Edwin?”
Giles walks toward me as I speak, but once he hears my question he stops to scan the faces within the lagoon. I can see his confusion mount as he isn’t able to find their faces within the crowd and turns back to me.
“Edwin hasn’t been out past dark since the first time. He’s careful enough to come back at least an hour before sundown,” Giles says.
I look past the trees, trying to make out any movement that might mean they are both on their way. The sun floats across the sky, kissing its last goodbye. Only a handful of minutes remain before the sky turns dark and takes away any Essence that isn’t within the lagoon.
I know where they’re going after dark—to hover outside Heaven—and I don’t know if that’s what’s right for their souls. Being kept from Heaven is torment, but it’s also beauty. I saw the bliss before me, but I can never be a part of it.
“Luna?” Melissa comes up behind me, her eyes sad and distressed. “Hadley is on the border of the trees. We can’t get her to come in. She’s asking for you.”
All at once I abandon Giles and follow Melissa. She guides me past the cave within the lagoon and to the border of its edges where the trees are thick and dark in the approaching night. When we reach Hadley, Emily is sitting next to her on the ground speaking to her, but Hadley never makes a whisper.
“Hadley?” I ask once I’m an arm’s length away. She turns to look at me, and I see her eyes are streaked red as if she were a human crying.
“Luna,” she says in a faint voice.
Emily moves so I can take her seat beside Hadley. The sisters stand behind us and Hadley never bothers to look at either of them. I turn to Melissa and mouth the word go. Their procession is quiet as they fade away.
“My father isn’t coming back,” Hadley says, once we’re alone. Her words are slurred and torn.
“What do you mean?”
“He said he’s done. He doesn’t want to be here anymore.” She hiccups the words. I think of how much she must love her father, when all her human life he had done nothing for her. The only time I was ever sure Edwin loved Hadley was when she went missing, and he searched for her only to become an Essence himself. “He said he couldn’t stop thinking of Lilly—my mom. And he said he didn’t care about the pain outside Phantom Lagoon as long as it put his misery to an end. Luna, he wants to die.” Her words choke. “Can we even do that?”
She looks at me in broken pieces, begging for an answer I have but can’t give. So much is outside Phantom Lagoon, but I’m terrified that by speaking of it, it may ruin Hadley’s chances of ever finding it herself.
“I can’t let him do this,” she says, letting her face fall into her hands. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, feeling her chest rise and fall as she cries into herself.
“You have to let him go,” I say.
My words only open up her wound.
“But he’s my father.”
“I know.”
She continues crying but grows quieter as each second passes. The sun sinks and the trees in front of our faces seem to act more and more like a fence as the night approaches and closes us in. Edwin will find Heaven tonight. Not the Heaven any human receives, but the Heaven that a lost soul accepts. It’s the one that holds us at a joyous distance but also grants mercy.
Hadley lifts her head and lowers her arms. “I want to go also.” Her words are strong.
I’m not able to respond at first, unsure if I heard her right.
“Please, Luna.”
My breath catches. I can’t stop her, but I can’t go with her. I want to. I want so badly to go where she is going and to see Heaven where my family is, even if I can’t be with them, but Garren isn’t there. He’s somewhere else. Somewhere so far away, yet so incredibly close.
“Are you sure?” I ask, but it is my voice that wavers. I want Hadley to find peace. I have doubts that maybe I’m wrong about finding Heaven. But Hadley doesn’t expect to find anything. She wishes to leave, to simply stop, just as her father wishes. And I have to let her discover whatever it is that lies ahead for her.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
She looks at me with tired eyes as if she can’t do this anymore. This is the girl who knows all my secrets. This is the girl who knows what it means to love someone enough to want to give up everything for them. This is also the girl who loves a father who I’m not sure reflects the same amplitude of emotion. And she’s giving up everything for him.
“It’s okay,” I say, trying to smile for her. I stand and offer my hand to help her up. She hugs me, and in that moment, I know she’ll really leave. This isn’t just some idea anymore. The sun is setting and she’ll leave with it. “Be brave.”
She pulls away and looks at me as if she might know what happens when her soul leaves Earth. Hadley nods her head and wipes away the tears that aren’t there—so human.
She steps away and walks to the border of trees. Her hand rests against the bark of the oak we had planted so long ago as she looks back at me. “You’ve done great things with the souls within the lagoon. Keep them safe,” she says.
“I will.”
She smiles in the small way that she does when she tries so hard not to cry. The evening is turning colors of orange and purple; Hadley only has so much time left. Her hand quivers, but her voice is strong.
“And don’t forget Garren—don’t doubt love,” she says.
Just like that, she says the last words I will ever hear from her. Hadley takes the steps between the trunks of the trees and beyond the border of the lagoon. Her breath catches, taking in every inch of pain that comes with being beyond the lagoon at nightfall. The sun is setting and crushes her soul, threatening to take it away. She never wavers. She treks on, ignoring the instinct to turn back to safety.
The night grows dark and she goes farther. Hadley never screams out in pain. Her soul fades away. As she goes farther her figure shrinks, but I see the emerald glow of her soul as it makes its last shout into the night. Then, all at once, she’s gone.
Her retreat into bliss is a quiet one.
LXV.
Melissa and Emily are standing apart from the rest of the group. Both women look to me for answers, but I can’t find any words.
“Where’s Hadley?” Emily asks.
I suck in a breath, feeling as if I’ve lost the one person who truly knew me in this world. When I don’t answer Melissa comes and wraps her arms around me in an embrace. I welcome the hug even though I can’t feel it. When I close my eyes it’s like she isn’t even here, so I look to the group, remembering that this person is willing to be here with me.
Emily looks past me, out to the trees in shock. She covers her mouth with her hands as if she’s just spoken some fatal words that have wounded me. Melissa retreats and Emily steps forward.
“She’s gone?” is all she asks.
I nod my head and let the words crush me for what they really mean. Hadley isn’t an Essence anymore, and neither is Edwin. Gone—forever. We aren’t supposed to have an end to our forever.
The sun is fully set. The sky is dark and night is here. Birds are in the trees, stirring the branches while settling for the night. Animals claw and squirm in their own world, so completely separate from our own.
I hadn’t known Emily and Melissa as well as Hadley, but I can see by the lost look in Emily’s eyes that they must have been friends. Her body sways, wanting to chase after and save Hadley, but it’s too late. Emily’s hand goes to the stone that hangs from her neck, and she turns away, back to the heart of the lagoon. Melissa remains behind a few more moments, looking at the ground, unable to say anything until she notices her sister has walked off. She leaves also, following Emily.
I’m left alone without any further questions. The others don’t bombard me as to why I couldn’t stop Hadley or where she is no
w. All Hadley and I have done since other souls have come to Phantom Lagoon is warn them how dangerous it is to stay out after dark, yet we’ve broken our own rules. Hadley will speak as an example as to what can happen if you leave. Seeing the sun set will be feared unless you are within the trees of the lagoon, but maybe it’s better that way. Heaven should be stumbled upon, not searched out.
I flit to the others within the lagoon. I don’t make a sound, but eyes turn to me as I settle myself within the group. People with wary eyes cluster together like some monster comes to claim them all. They know who is missing within our family. Edwin and Hadley are gone—their absence echoes across the water.
“Luna?” someone says.
Giles steps forward to speak, but I shake my head and he stops. He has known Edwin since he was just a child. He knew Edwin better than I did; Giles had seen not just Edwin’s bitter traits but also the good ones that made him act as the father he was and search for Hadley when she was missing. Giles saw Edwin, the loving man married to Lilly, who wished only to escape from this existence so he didn’t have to suffer from the longing memories that never faded away.
It makes me envious. How dare he act as a coward and slink from a love he thought he couldn’t have again? It’s something we all suffer with in eternity. I want to forget Garren and how it is he who makes me push away any memories that came before Phantom Lagoon. I want to leave this place and see Heaven, but it will never be the Heaven I truly crave, because the one person I love most is here somewhere on Earth without me.
Arms wrap around me again. When I look up, I see they belong to Giles. I’m not sure if he’s hugging me for his loss or my own, but I receive the comfort regardless.
“They’re both gone,” I whisper. The words are stronger than I feel. They don’t waver or sink into each other, and it makes me think maybe I can do this, keep the people of Phantom Lagoon safe. Hadley had done it herself for so long while I was gone, now it is my turn to return the favor.
“I know. Edwin told me that he wanted to leave, whatever the consequences. I didn’t know when, or if he would really do it, but I didn’t think Hadley would follow.”
“In the end he is her father, and she is his daughter. He came for her in the lagoon, and she followed him out.” It seems so right for them to leave together. I drop my arms from Giles and he backs away.
Somber faces fill the lagoon. They look to me for guidance, and just like that, I’ve become a leader for them; the one who knows what to do and has an answer for why it is we disappear in the dark.
I step to the middle of the group and turn to face as many people as possible. “Edwin and Hadley are gone,” I say, turning in a circle as I speak. As I do this I realize I don’t know who most of these people are. I make a note to myself that soon I will hear all their stories and discover their spirits. “The sun is down. They can’t come back.” I raise my hand to the dark sky. Everyone watches my moves, but all are terrified to speak.
I stand, waiting for questions from the Essences collected here. Why can’t they come back? Where are they now? But those queries never come. One by one people shift into their regular nightly routines. Small chatter starts within groups, but they converse only with whispers in respect for the souls who have been lost.
I leave them to settle for the night. As I pass, Conor, Jackson, and Theo look to me. They don’t have questions, but I see in their stance they will offer help if I call upon them. I nod to them in some form of appreciation.
The cave of Phantom Lagoon is covered by green foliage, but I push away the leaves and vines, passing through. Curiosity leads me where I had been in a suspended sleep only a short time ago. Bodies of every Essence within the lagoon come into sight. Faces I’ve known, and faces I have yet to speak with. But I look for three bodies, all of whom I know very well.
Brielle is the first one I see, and she remains in the same position as when I first opened my eyes in the cave—lying on the floor with her legs curled in. Farther off is Hadley’s body, her hands folded in, a ball gown floating around her as a cushion. Edwin is harder to find. His body is hidden behind a boulder, facing the wall. I imagine Edwin himself coming in this cave some time long ago and moving his human body so he would never have to see it again.
It surprises me to see their bodies here without their Essences. It almost doesn’t seem right, but this cave will be an eternal record of who’s been here, even if they’ve left. The only body missing is still my own.
I back from the cave again. When I uncover the foliage to leave, the crystal walls refuse to glimmer. The moon sings out in a sharp glow, but it doesn’t reach the entrance.
People have already settled for the night. Some whisper their small conversations, but most lie down, looking to the sky in silence. I imagine those who had known Hadley and Edwin will mourn their lost souls, but they don’t act as if this is a sad night. In a way Hadley and Edwin have done something we all crave—moving on. The only thing stopping the others from doing so is the unknown of what actually happens.
I circle around to the back of the lagoon, where the rock of the cave climbs high enough for me to stand over the lagoon. From high above I can see everyone, and it all feels like this is mine. All these people are here because of me, and I have to protect them.
Mystral started all this somehow. She needed me to create eternity for herself, but she also created it for others as well. Garren was the first Essence, not me. Yet he walks on this earth somewhere, and I don’t know if he searches for me still or if I’ve been forgotten. Yet no matter what, I feel this small hope will always be in my heart that he will find me—and I’ll stand with poise and grace in a gown that had once belonged to Sabine. Years, decades, or maybe even centuries from now, we will be together again, looking down at all those within Phantom Lagoon.
Mystral’s words echo in my mind, so appropriate in this moment that I wonder if I’m the only one able to hear her words.
Take time and mend it. Stretch eternity like it may never break. Soothe infinity like it will always snap. Remember to cherish the night and seek the day. Postpone the moon and find forever, Aida de Luna.
The chant shakes me to the core. I had forgotten the words, but now the verses linger and vibrate within me like they are something so integral to my existence.
In a time so long ago, I had asked God to grant me mercy, to find charity, and to not let human flesh be burnt and scorched in the pestilence. And tonight the moon shines high in the night, relishing in that prayer I had said to the small boy who died, covered in buboes, trapped in his home. So many lives have slipped through my fingers—and now their souls are in my hands.
I am the curse that enabled the lagoon to take away human life.
I am the ghost that held an infant’s corpse, only so it could find peace in a world so cruel.
I am the woman who fell in love but didn’t know of the emotion until it was too late.
I am the Essence who has seen Heaven, only to be forbidden to speak of its allure.
I am life.
I am death.
I am mercy.
About the Author
Mandi Lynn started writing her first novel at thirteen, and at the young age of seventeen, Essence, hit the press. Since publishing her debut novel, Lynn has taught writing workshops, appeared on television, newspapers, and most importantly, graduated high school. While attending college, Lynn works part time at a salon as a stylist and continues to write future novels. Lynn can be found online creating YouTube videos about books, publishing, and all things reading.
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Acknowledgments
I started writing this book before Essence was published. The draft of I am Mercy, which I had written at
that time, has since been completely abandoned. The version you now hold in your hands is my heart and soul, much like Essence was.
Although 2014 was not my year, that’s when I wrote the majority of this book. I am Mercy was my dumping ground, my way of exhaling all the emotions I couldn’t speak.
To my mom and dad: Thank you for always supporting every decision I’ve made. For letting me transfer colleges, changing my mind left and right, but always keeping your faith in me, and pushing me to do the things I didn’t think I could do.
To my mom: Thanks for reading one of the first drafts and telling me it had too many big words. I’ll take that as a compliment.
To Aunt Karen: Thanks for being I Am Mercy’s first reader. Thank God you didn’t hate it!
To Mémère: You’ve been gone for more than a year now, but you’ve found your way into this book. Chapter LXII is for you.
To Grampy: This book is dedicated to you because you are stronger than any person I’ve met. I don’t know how you do it every day. I hope someday I can have a love as strong as yours for your family.To Grammy: I love you! Tell my mom how you paint your nails pretty!
To every single reader I have out there: You guys mean the world to me. A special thanks to Joseph Perry (again), Paige Couture, Karen LeClaire, Ryan Slattery, Anders Hokinson, Brista Drake, Kynan Pacheco, Kady Sciog, Mitchell Chapman, Antwon Saboor, and Amanda Fox who helped fund this book into print!
My readers are the reason I write, why I’m able to keep my mind sane. And, most of all, thank you for the emails. They push me to work harder every day. Someday I’ll get my books on The New York Times Best Sellers list for you guys!