by Jerry Cole
Bjorn wasn’t sure if he could deal with that. He also wasn’t sure if he could deal with things the way they stood now.
He ordered another cocktail and drank it too quickly. He wasn’t usually a big drinker, but he didn’t want to be in the room. He also thought that maybe it would make him feel better to get a little drunk, except that, the tipsier he got, the more that all he could think about was Mickey. He pictured the way he had looked when he was kneeling down, the beautiful lines on his body. He had been so gorgeous, his toes curling as he started to come. Bjorn was getting turned on just thinking about it. He couldn’t just go back to Mickey’s suite, and it wasn’t as though there was enough privacy to masturbate in his room. Bjorn shook his head. He was too drunk already. He had to be up early in the morning, and he had to perform. His team still hadn’t quite secured their place in the semifinals, though they were getting close. He wasn’t feeling as aggressive anymore, though; now he was just confused and scared.
He wasn’t even thinking about the tournament anymore. All that he was thinking about was Mickey. Bjorn wasn’t sure, but he was pretty sure that he had ruined any chance he might have with Mickey.
He just wished he knew what that chance was for, exactly.
Chapter Twenty-One
The arena near the hotel was used for lots of different types of events. That’s what it said on the website, anyway. The developers had decided on a place that would fit a lot of people, because the event kept getting bigger and bigger with each passing year. It was also in a place that was easily accessible and not too expensive, for both the people who already lived in the city and all the tourists. The developers were based in California, but the tournament was normally carried out on the East Coast. There was no explanation for why that happened on the site, but Mickey didn’t care. He didn’t really care about any of the information; he was just trying to find how many people the arena sat.
Mostly because he had never seen the arena this full during the team stage. The viewers usually came when one of the big teams knocked out one of the newcomers, and only rarely when someone new came on the scene that the viewers judged worthy. That was obviously what had happened with AlphaChew and Bjorn was easily the star player. He had been incredibly focused the day before, and he had shown off his chops as a serious e-sports player. Even if AlphaChew didn’t end up winning, Mickey was sure that Bjorn would end up being recruited by a team that would love to have him. Whether Bjorn knew it or not, he was going to make a lot of money off of World of Heroes. He was going to end up proving his mother wrong.
Mickey couldn’t presume to know what Bjorn had been thinking the day before, but he had seemed angry and focused. He wondered if it had something to do with everything that had happened between them. Bjorn was obviously going through something harder than just trying to get a place in the finals, but it wasn’t as if Mickey could just talk to him, not anymore.
Well, maybe. That morning, before Bjorn went into the glass enclosure, wearing that hoodie with the AlphaChew logo, he turned around and stared straight at Mickey. He waved at him shyly, his eyes sparkling under the electric lights. It was a little gesture, but it was enough to set his heart off. He hadn’t ever felt like that when someone had done something as simple as waving at him, but it was so much. He waved back. Then he heard the camera shutter on someone’s phone. That was enough to get a lot of people’s attentions, and they all started taking pictures of him with their own cameras. Normally, he wouldn’t have minded the fact that everyone had their eyes set on him, but it was frustrating, then. Because what Bjorn had done had seemed normal; it hadn’t seemed like he was trying to make Mickey into a joke. It had seemed completely honest. Of course, the public didn’t think so, and Mickey couldn’t blame them, either. He understood why they all thought it was a joke—it had started as a joke, and there was nothing that either one of them could do that could turn it into something that wasn’t one. He understood that, intellectually, in his head. He still found it totally heart-wrenching, because he had loved when Bjorn waved at him. It had been nothing, it had just been a wave, and it hurt like hell that people weren’t taking it seriously. He didn’t understand why it hurt so much, because he barely knew Bjorn in the first place. He barely knew him, but he still wanted him to wave at him seriously, to have people take pictures of them together because they were cute, not because they were a joke.
He could feel his cheeks reddening as he tilted his head down. He didn’t want anybody to look at him with the way he felt right then, but storming out just wasn’t a possibility. He was still the most important e-sports player there, and storming out would have focused all attention on him. That wouldn’t have been fair to AlphaChew, which he cared about on a professional level, and it wouldn’t have been fair to Bjorn, who he cared about on a much more personal level. He cared a lot more than he wanted to care. He focused on his phone, trying to tune out the camera shutter noises around him. They died down as the program was booted up.
Mickey only looked up when the announcer introduced Bjorn as Allegiance, and his face appeared on the monitor.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Once again, Bjorn hadn’t expected to win. This time, he wasn’t angry and he wasn’t worried, he was just confused. He was also encouraged because of the way that Mickey had waved back at him, the way that his eyes had glimmered and that the smile had flashed on his face. He already had a lot to prove, but with the way that Mickey had looked at him, it seemed like there was far more to prove now. He wanted to really impress Mickey, even though Mickey already knew how good he was. It was probably because Mickey was so good at what he did that Bjorn wanted to be better. It was probably also that he wasn’t sure how to connect with Mickey again after he had told him that he wasn’t ready to make any kind of commitment. Mickey had told him that he didn’t want it to be a joke, and then Bjorn had run away. It wasn’t a joke to him either, though, and he regretted ever listening to Carpenter in the first place. He just hadn’t wanted to let his teammates down.
He hadn’t realized that to avoid it, all he needed to do was win relentlessly. His team was going against OneMillion, a team that had already participated in the World of Heroes tournament and had almost gotten to the final. OneMillion had even gone against Mickey’s team and had almost won a few times. They hadn’t, because Mickey’s team was far too good, and they always showed the other teams exactly how good they were. OneMillion had put up a good fight, though, and they had become something of a sensation themselves. That was one of the reasons that Bjorn had been so surprised when it seemed like they were winning and when the opposing team didn’t appear to be making anything close to a comeback. OneMillion’s defeat could, in fact, be called humiliating. His team was in sync, and every time that Bjorn looked outside the glass enclosure, he felt like there was another good reason for him to show off how good he was. It worked, too, and by the time the day was over, AlphaChew had made it to the semifinals. No one had predicted that Bjorn’s team would ever make it that far, but a mixture of cheering for the underdog, since no one had known about the team before they arrived to the tournament, and patriotism, because they were the only American team in the tournament, was enough to make them all celebrities. Not just when they were at the World of Heroes tournament, but probably also when they were out. Pink, Carpenter and Carl—who would now be referred to as Fork for the rest of his professional life—probably didn’t expecting fame, but they also had to plan for the future. That was something that they had expressed repeatedly to Bjorn, and that was the reason he had chosen to go with their stupid plan in the first place. He wished he hadn’t told them anything.
Like the day before, they went outside, took their bows and smiled for the many cameras that were around them. This time, Bjorn didn’t even bother looking away from Mickey. He didn’t want to do anything that might make people think that it was a joke, so he resisted the urge to blow him a kiss. Besides, he needed to talk to him in private before anything like that happen
ed. He still wasn’t sure what to think about himself, about his sexuality.
He was sure what to think about Mickey, though, and the judgment was that he brought out the best in Bjorn. His gender didn’t matter. Only the fact that he had felt incredibly happy when he had seen him in the VIP seats, Syn sitting next to him, barely paying attention. Mickey had made his heart beat faster, he had made his hands start sweating and he had also been the indirect, or maybe direct, reason that AlphaChew had won in the first place.
He looked out into the crowd. They locked eyes and Bjorn smiled.
***
His team must have been feeling a little bit more generous than they had the night before, because when he told them that he was going to go see Mickey, and he hadn’t even used his screen name, all they had done was nod. They obviously knew that something else was happening, but they didn’t want to push it. Bjorn liked the position of privilege he suddenly found himself in but he didn’t expect it to last for too long. They had all done several interviews, which the team had also been mad at him for skipping out on the day before. Now that he was safely back to the hotel, Bjorn had explained that he really needed to talk to Mickey, and they hadn’t said anything. Nothing about keeping up the pretense or doing Carpenter’s plan. No one had even cracked a joke about Bjorn being gay for Mickey, which was the very least that he expected. He didn’t care about that, though. All that he cared about was seeing Mickey. He was the one person in the world that Bjorn wanted to celebrate his win with. He had already given enough time to his teammates. He wanted to be with someone who he knew, deep in his heart, was the person that deserved all his gratitude.
He decided to wait for the elevator, but he was too fidgety. He raced upstairs and he was about to knock on Mickey’s door when he ran into Syn. He supposed it made sense that Syn got a suite on the same floor. They were good friends, and he guessed it also made sense that they hung out a lot. What didn’t make that much sense was the pang of jealousy that Bjorn felt when he saw Syn standing in front of Mickey’s door. They were just friends—at least as far as Bjorn knew. And even if they weren’t, what business was it of his? He had no claim over Mickey. If anything, he had negative claim over Mickey. Mickey had made things very clear; he had spoken to him about exactly what he wanted, and Bjorn had balked. He had thought that it was too scary, even after he had humiliated Mickey and made him complacent in his humiliation. If Bjorn were in Mickey’s situation, he would never want to see him again. But he wasn’t, and he had tried his best to make it up to him. He just hadn’t counted on his best friend also being there. If that was all that he was.
Bjorn swallowed, trying to think of a way in which he could both avoid Syn and still go into Mickey’s room. But he wasn’t quick enough, because the moment that he stepped forward, Syn grabbed him by the wrist. Bjorn didn’t think that he had intended for it to be aggressive, but it didn’t matter, because the gesture definitely didn’t do anything to put him at ease. He wanted to get himself loose and go knock on Mickey’s door, all while trying to forget that this ever happened, but he knew couldn’t.
“Hey,” Bjorn said feebly.
Syn smiled at him, a half-smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hello, Allegiance. Congratulations on your performance. The entire team was very impressive, but you were particularly good. Incredible, really. How long have you been playing for?”
“Long enough,” Bjorn replied. Syn’s fingers were digging into Bjorn’s skin, tight and secure. Syn took a step closer to him, forcing Bjorn to look up. Syn’s dark eyes were glittering with—something. Anger, maybe, or disappointment. He wasn’t sure, but something told him the situation felt like it was verging on dangerous.
“That was a compliment,” Syn said. He moved even closer to Bjorn, and Bjorn tried to swallow down the knot in his throat.
“Thank you,” Bjorn finally replied, his voice steady and loud. He wondered if Mickey could hear him inside.
Then Syn let go of his wrist and laughed. “I’m fucking with you, mate,” Syn said. “You didn’t actually have to thank me.”
“Oh,” Bjorn replied, his heart still in his throat. “Okay.”
“Seriously, you don’t have to be afraid of me or anything,” Syn said. “I’m really totally harmless. Mostly totally harmless, anyway.”
“Okay,” Bjorn replied, casting his gaze on the floor.
“Seriously,” Syn said, the smile still on his face. “I’m not going to hurt you or anything.”
Bjorn looked up at him again. “You’re not?”
“I’m not,” Syn replied. “Not right now, in any case. You’re still on thin ice. Look, I’m not going to kick your ass or anything, because that would be terrible publicity for both of us. On the other hand, I’m kind of tempted, because it would be nice to get the coverage off of Mickey. Believe it or not, he’s a pretty private person.”
“I believe it,” Bjorn said quietly. “He doesn’t seem to like crowds.”
“He doesn’t,” Syn said. “He actually really hates them. His fame is incidental, and he doesn’t love it. He knows how to treat fans, because he’s not a terrible person, but he doesn’t like any of this. He prefers shoots and that kind of stuff. Don’t get me wrong, he quite likes the game; he loves playing, practicing, even doing ad spots for it. But tournaments put him on edge.”
“I could kind of gather that,” Bjorn replied, though Syn was hardly talking to him. He was more like talking at him. “He’s really good, though.”
“Yeah, he’s fantastic,” Syn said. “Best player in the world. Going to stay like that for a while, but tournaments don’t make him a happy person. World of Heroes may have made him rich and a household name in Nerd World, but he still doesn’t consider himself a celebrity. He’s confident because that comes with the territory, but he’s still vulnerable when he’s here. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
Bjorn shook his head. He didn’t really get what Syn was trying to say. He wanted to, but it was hard. Or maybe he didn’t actually want to. “No, sorry,” he replied, after a little while.
Syn sighed, rubbing his temple. For the first time since Bjorn had run into him, Syn didn’t look threatening or calm. He just looked upset, genuinely upset and sad. “Look, can you just—can you just lay off him for a bit?”
“What do you mean, lay off him?” Bjorn said.
“Mickey is hurt, Allegiance. He’s hurt,” Syn said. “You’ve hurt him. I’ve never seen him like this.”
“I never meant to hurt him,” Bjorn replied, the knot forming in his throat again. “I didn’t—I just want to talk to him, Syn. He was cheering me on, and it made it so much better, and, I don’t know. I was good. I was good because of him, because he was there. I think I’ve only been as good as I’ve been lately because he’s been there. I just wanted to tell him, Syn, I wanted to thank him for everything that he has done and—”
“Everything that he has done?” Syn raised his eyebrows. “I’ve never seen him like this. And that isn’t a compliment, Allegiance. He’s upset. I’ve never seen him like this, in all the time I’ve known him. He’s upset, and angry, and he’s—”
“I didn’t mean to do any of that,” Bjorn replied. He felt like crying.
“No, I know,” Syn said, his expression softening. “I didn’t think that you meant to do any of that. It’s just that, well, this is hard for him. I also don’t think that you’re making it any easier. You get that, right?”
“Yeah, I get it,” Bjorn said. “Again, it was never what I meant to do. I just wanted to talk to him.”
“So talk to him,” Syn said, glancing at the door. “Talk to him all you want, just keep in mind what I told you.”
Bjorn swallowed.
Syn sighed and continued. “I’m just telling you, keep it in mind. He’s affected by you. You know he has to compete, too, right? And you may think that he’s an amazing inspiration or whatever, but he’s also a human being, Bjorn. He’s a person.”
“I never said t
hat he wasn’t,” Bjorn said, barely registering the use of his real name.
“Right, but you act like he’s not,” Syn replied. “You act like he’s an inspiration or whatever, but not a person. But he’s a human being, and he’s just as affected by these things as you are.”
“You’re telling me that this is my fault?”
“Not necessarily,” Syn replied, shrugging. “I’m just telling you that I don’t think you’re helping.”
Bjorn nodded. Then Syn turned around, walked away and left him standing there, right in front of Mickey’s door. He thought about knocking on it, but maybe Syn was right. Maybe Bjorn needed to just leave him alone. He didn’t want to cause Mickey any more pain than he already had, and by Syn’s account, all that Bjorn had managed to do was hurt Mickey.
He sighed and turned around, deciding to go to the hotel gym before he went back to his room. He needed to clear his mind.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Mickey had no reason to think that Bjorn would show up at his door after he was done with the press and with his team. He just wanted Bjorn to. The way that he had waved at him, the way that he had looked at him when he was done, led Mickey to believe that maybe Bjorn was more sure of things than he had said. He shouldn’t have made any assumptions, though, because it was already midnight and Bjorn was nowhere to be seen. Mickey was trying his best not to go knock on Bjorn’s door himself, because Bjorn had made his position perfectly clear.