Game of Hearts

by Jerry Cole

  Even in ways that Mickey hadn’t been expecting at all. Even in the most amazing ways.

  “That was so good,” Bjorn said to the top of Mickey’s head. “That was so good, is it always that good?”

  “Sometimes it’s better,” Mickey replied. Bjorn’s arm was around him and he was being held close. He loved it; he didn’t want to move at all. He wanted to stay like that all night long. “Though, to be honest, that was pretty amazing. Sex like that rarely happens.”

  “Then how can it get better?” Bjorn didn’t seem upset, just curious. Which made him even more adorable, at least as far as Mickey was concerned. He wanted to teach him absolutely everything, all of the ways in which his body could be touched that would drive him wild. On the other hand, if Mickey was being honest with himself—and he was trying to be—that wasn’t all that Mickey wanted to do. He wanted to be able to hold Bjorn’s hand on the street; he wanted to be able to hug him after one of them had won a decisive victory or console him after a crushing defeat. He didn’t want to be the person that Bjorn only came to for sex, as tempting as that was.

  “You could fuck me,” Mickey replied. “I’ve never been with a girl, but there’s nothing quite like fucking a bloke. It’s so fucking amazing. Seeing the way he moves because of you, his mouth, his eyelids fluttering. His fingers digging into the bed like he’s a wild fucking animal.”

  “I feel like you’re describing me,” Bjorn said, laughing quietly. “And I can’t tell if I should be flattering.”

  “You should absolutely be flattered,” Mickey said. “I’ve never seen anyone like you. God, I almost came just looking at you so many times. Would you like to see me like that?”

  “Yes,” Bjorn replied, incredibly fast. His response was so quick that it made Mickey want to laugh. “Yes, I absolutely want to see you like that.”

  “You will definitely get to,” Mickey said quietly. “If you want to.”

  “I want to,” Bjorn said. “I want to a lot. Like, a lot. As in, maybe we can do in a few hours, when I’ve recovered?”

  Mickey couldn’t hold back the laughter this time. Bjorn’s enthusiasm was as delightful as it was contagious. He was trying to keep his cool, though; doing something like this without making it into something more serious would only make things more difficult for himself in the long run. Seeing Bjorn in general had already hurt enough, and then after they had hooked up, it had been so much worse. He needed more than that, he knew, but he didn’t want to freak him out by pushing for commitment too hard. He knew the truth, though, that it was exactly what he wanted. He didn’t just want to run into Bjorn at random places for Bjorn to then decide that yes, they could fuck, but only that one time, only under his terms. That wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t.

  “As much as I appreciate how into this you are,” Mickey started. “And just so you know, I’m really, really glad, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this again.”

  Bjorn sat up and looked at him, tilting his head. He was clearly shocked, though Mickey didn’t understand how that was possible. Surely, at this point, what Mickey wanted was exceedingly clear. Still, Bjorn seemed to be confused whenever it came to Mickey, which he understood to an extent. He didn’t understand it as much now that they had hooked up to the extent that they had, but he guessed that some hesitation was still natural.

  “But why?” Bjorn said. “It was—it was wonderful, Mickey. This has been like, the best night of my life. Seriously. I’m so glad that I ran into you, because again, it was amazing. Like, I don’t think I even have the words to talk about what happened tonight, it was so good.”

  “Right,” Mickey said, smiling at him and stroking his chin with the back of his hand. Bjorn’s face fell into his touch, and he closed his eyes, a small smile appearing on his face. “I totally get that. For me, it was the same. This was the best night I’ve had in literally years, maybe the best night that I’ve ever had, too. Which is why you must understand that I can’t do this again.”

  “What? No,” Bjorn said, his eyes opening and his gaze locking on Mickey. “That makes no sense. If this was the best night of your life, why wouldn’t you want a repeat?”

  “That’s exactly the problem,” Mickey replied, shaking his head. “That’s exactly the problem, can’t you see that?”

  “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Bjorn said. “I want a repeat of this too. I want a repeat every single day and night if possible.”

  Mickey sighed, closing his eyes tightly and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I wish you hadn’t said that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because that’s just rubbing it in. Look, Bjorn, I’m gay, okay? And you can be straight to the outside world or whatever, but I’m not doing that. I’m not doing that thing where I pretend I’m a joke ever again and I’m sorry I agreed to it in the first place.”

  “I didn’t say that you had to—”

  “Telling me that you want to do this every day and night does mean that I have to. Because you’re not telling me that you want us to date, right? You’re not telling me that you want me to be your boyfriend. You’re telling me that you want me to fuck you in every way that has ever been invented, which would be fine, if I could consider this a friends-with-benefits kind of situation,” Mickey said, his voice far quieter than he had expected it to be. He cleared his throat and continued talking. “But I can’t. I really like you, a lot more than I expected to like you, and this isn’t fair. It’s not fair to me, because every time I see you outside, I’m going to ache to hold your hand. And then later, you’re going to let me see parts of yourself that you don’t show to anyone else. But then, when we’re outside, when we’re who we are to the outside world, to World of Heroes, to the world of e-sports, to our families—I’ll go back to being nothing. And I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that, okay? It’s too much.”

  “I—I didn’t say you had to do that,” Bjorn replied, looking away from him. Mickey was sure that his little speech had caught him off guard. He hadn’t wanted to make him feel uncomfortable, especially when what they had shared had been so intimate and so special. But this was what he had to do to protect himself from the heartbreak that seeing Bjorn again was sure to bring to his life. He had enjoyed spending the night with him, but he wasn’t yearning for just nights, he wanted far more than that.

  “You don’t have to,” Mickey said. “And I don’t want to be your boyfriend just because the sex is good. Really. I mean, I do but I don’t, right? I definitely want to be your boyfriend. But only if you want me to be. Oh my God, will you listen to me, I sound like a petulant child.”

  “I don’t think you sound like a child,” Bjorn replied. He put his hand on Mickey’s shoulder and Mickey wasn’t sure if he was supposed to find the gesture reassuring. What Bjorn was about to say would probably upset him, and then he would have to kick him out and deal with the fall out the next day. Well, more accurately, the rest of the tournament. But then Mickey and Bjorn would never have to see each other again—well, not for at least a year. Loads of things could change in one year. Mostly, Mickey could have found an actual boyfriend in a year, one that wanted to be with him. One that didn’t consider himself straight. His friends had warned him; they had said, don’t get involved with straight boys, and they had bracketed the word straight in air quotes when they had said it. Mickey thought that he understood what they were saying. They were just trying to protect him from men who considered themselves straight but liked having sex with other men. He didn’t mind being someone’s exploration tool as long as the cards were all on the table. As long as he knew that was what he was. He hadn’t thought he would mind, anyway.

  Except the cards were all on the table, he knew that that was what he was, and his heart was breaking into tiny little pieces the longer that this conversation went on.

  Mickey, as usual, should have listened to his friends. He put his hand over the one Bjorn had placed on his shoulder and squeezed it, wondering if it would be the last t
ime he would ever get to touch him, or at least touch him like this. They might share some victory hugs, but they would be awkward and wouldn’t last very long. Just like things between them weren’t going to last very long. Mickey knew that he would have to start avoiding Bjorn, because seeing him would cause him far too much pain. At least there were only a few days left in the tournament. If he knew that he wouldn’t have to see Bjorn again for a while, then he might be able to stop himself from feeling devastated every time that he ran into him.

  “Well, anyway, it doesn’t matter,” Mickey finally replied. “This was really nice. I just don’t know that I can do it again. As much as I want to.”

  Bjorn looked at him and swallowed. “But what if—what if we started seeing each other? Like, properly?”

  Mickey blinked and cocked his head. “Is that what you want to do?”

  Bjorn licked his lips. Mickey wanted him to say yes, that was absolutely what he wanted to do, but he also knew that wasn’t the answer he was bound to get. Mickey had been right. He was a realist. He knew that Bjorn might thought, in the post-sex glow, he wanted something more, but it couldn’t really be the case.

  Mickey couldn’t really make Bjorn come out against his will. It was the last thing that he wanted to do, really. He knew that coming out had to happen in Bjorn’s own time, but he hated that he had been dragged into it. He hated that he liked Bjorn so much that there was no way that he wasn’t going to be involved in it.

  “I think so,” Bjorn finally said, shrugging his shoulders. “I mean, if it means we get to do things like this, then—”

  “It doesn’t just mean that,” Mickey replied, trying to swallow down the knot that he had felt form in his throat. Of course this was what Bjorn wanted. He wanted all of the sex, none of the things outside of the bedroom. That was exactly what Mickey was trying to avoid. Bjorn was incredibly tempting, with his beautiful lips and his incredible blue eyes, and Mickey did want to keep doing this. He wanted to keep doing this as much as possible. He just didn’t want to do it while Bjorn could ignore him when they weren’t in the bedroom or when their hands weren’t all over each other.

  “Okay,” Bjorn replied, straightening up and grabbing Mickey’s hand. “Okay, then what does it mean? I want to do this right, Mickey.”

  “It would change everything for you,” Mickey said quietly. “The way that people see you, the things that you do; it would change the way you’re perceived by everyone. It might affect your sponsorship deals. It would probably affect the way the people on your team perceive you. Bjorn, you’ll have to really think about this, okay? This isn’t something private. It’s not something that I want to be private, anyway. I want to be able to tell everyone about this, and if you can’t do that, that’s okay. That’s fine, but I can’t put up with only having a little bit, okay? And I don’t think I can do that thing where you’re pretending to be my boyfriend because you think that’s what you need to do to get me to sleep with you—which, to be fair, it kind of is. But I don’t want you to jump into this because you want the sex. I want you to really think about this. I want you to want to be my boyfriend. Not just give in to my request, but actually want this.”

  “That makes sense,” Bjorn replied, looking straight into his eyes. “But what if I told you that I did actually want this? I do want all of this, too, Mickey. I don’t just want the sex. I mean, I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to tell you that the sex isn’t a big part of it because it is, but I don’t just want that. Especially not if just wanting that is going to hurt you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

  “Okay,” Mickey said. He stroked Bjorn’s cheek with the back of his hand, feeling the light stubble on his skin and smiling at him. He wasn’t sure it reached his eyes. “I want that, too. But we’re going to have to take it slow. Because I think you may think that you want it, but you may not be sure of what it actually entails. And I’m not trying to be condescending or anything, but—”

  “It’s okay,” Bjorn replied, smiling at him. “You’re allowed to be condescending. I kind of think I deserve it, after how horrible I’ve been to you.”

  “Unintentionally,” Mickey said. “You were never trying to be a dick to me on purpose.”

  “Yeah, but still,” Bjorn said, looking down and away from him. “I’m not the world’s most experienced person, and I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I’m sure it’s going to be tricky no matter what. You’re allowed to be hesitant to get into something like this with me, because honestly, I would be a bit scared if I were you, too. I mean, I’m a bit scared now, to be completely honest. This is new and it’s scary. I want this, a lot, but I understand if we can’t just jump into it. I understand that we have to take it slow.”

  “Good,” Mickey replied, smiling at him. “Because, just so you know, I really want this too.”

  They sat like that, together, in silence, for a few minutes.

  “So do you want me to go back to my—”

  “No,” Mickey replied. The thought of Bjorn being away from him right now wasn’t even one that he was willing to contemplate. “No, I mean, you’re already here. Why don’t we go in the shower, wash off and then you can stay the night?”

  Bjorn’s eyes widened. “Together?”

  “Yes,” Mickey replied, laughing quietly. “But no funny business, okay?”

  “No funny business,” Bjorn repeated, smiling back at him. “Honestly, I don’t know if I could take anymore. My body feels like jelly.”

  Mickey was pretty sure that he could, but he was trying to protect himself. Actually, he was trying to protect both of them, because no matter what Bjorn thought, he really didn’t know what he was getting into.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Bjorn didn’t realize that his ass would hurt so much the next day. Mickey had been gentle, of course, but there was still a soreness that he wasn’t expecting. He didn’t really mind it, though, because it reminded him of spending the night with Mickey, and that was really the only thing that he wanted to think about. Mickey was the only thing that Bjorn really wanted to think about. He understood why Mickey was being coy about the two of them being together. If he was being honest with himself, he knew that he barely deserved a chance at all. He had apologized and Mickey seemed to be receptive—more than receptive—but Mickey had also been right. Being someone’s boyfriend was probably completely different from being with someone in a friends-with-benefits kind of situation, and he guessed that was where things stood now. The idea that Mickey could be with someone else felt like a dagger through his heart, but it wasn’t as though Bjorn had any claim over him. He could have gone with him that very first night that Mickey had hit on him, and then things might had been different.

  Mickey had hit on him, Bjorn thought with a smile. Mickey, the best e-sports player in the world, the supermodel, had been interested in him. He hadn’t even known Mickey’s real name back then. He had only referred to him by his screen name. It was weird that he now thought of someone he had idolized for years by his actual name, that he had been intimate with him, and that he was even considering being his boyfriend. His boyfriend! The word still sounded weird in his brain. He knew that he was supposed to wait for a while, at least until he came to terms with the idea. He knew that he had to fully commit before it would come true.

  He was still a little worried about it. He knew that Mickey was right, that being Mickey’s boyfriend was probably going to change a lot of things for him. For the most part, they were changes that he was looking forward to. He wanted to be able to hug Mickey when he was done with a match, when either one of them was done with a match. He wanted to be able to hold his hand when they were walking toward the arena, and he wanted to be able to kiss him to celebrate and to commiserate after something had happened in the game.

  The story was likely to go viral.

  E-sports were relatively new, but people were interested in them, and everyone loved a love story. World of Heroes was emblematic of e-sports, and the
tournament had been transmitted a few times on big sports channels. He knew that it wouldn’t be the same as dating a teammate in a football team, but he also knew that the story was juicy and that e-sports rarely had any human interest stories that reports liked. This was going to explode. Bjorn was absolutely certain of it.

  Mickey might know how to handle being in the public eye, but Bjorn had just been thrown in there and still wasn’t sure exactly what it meant. He didn’t know what it meant as someone who might become part of the winning team, he certainly wasn’t sure what it meant as someone who was going to be the most popular player’s boyfriend.

  He didn’t like thinking about it like that. He didn’t want to be second best when it came to e-sports. He wanted Mickey to be proud of him, to be proud of everything that he was doing, but he also wanted to be able to stand on his own two feet. He didn’t just want to become someone’s boyfriend. When that someone was the most famous person in the entire sport, though, it was unlikely that he would be anything else.

  Maybe he would tell Mickey to hold off until after the tournament was over. Neither one of them was sure of what would happen. Mickey’s team was going to start playing that day, and Bjorn would be watching them. They had always gotten to semifinals, at least, and there was a reason they were widely considered the best team in the world, but they could still lose. They had before. Bjorn knew that the chances of him going against Mickey’s team were tiny, but they still existed. If he was going to go against Mickey, then he had to beat him. Yeah, that was exactly what he needed to do—he needed to beat Mickey. If he beat Mickey, he was going to be taken seriously no matter what, and that would mean that he could be with him.