FEAR – Fear starts in silence and numbness. If you sense no feelings, you are feeling so terrified that you can allow no self-expression. Fear starts as a small high sound far back in your throat. Eyes are wide open in panic or tightly closed in terror. Adrenalin floods electrically through your nerves. You are instantly ready to run or flail about to protect yourself. Fear can be inhumanly strong. Your hands are stretched open with fingers spread wide, trembling. Your breath is shallow (avoid hyperventilation, as it blocks feelings). Your body quivers and shakes. Full expression of fear comes when you surrender to it, like falling backward over a cliff. Your mouth opens wide and piercing, high-pitched screams come out, one after the other, breath after breath, completely uninhibited.
JOY – The expression of anger, sadness, and fear can be quite loud. Joy is not necessarily loud; it can be subtle and personal. Joy is also not rare. Joy may only be sensed for three seconds at a time, but if you do not take responsibility for the three seconds of happiness that accompany tasting your first sip of orange juice, hearing the wind in the trees, seeing a baby smile, or smelling the first drops of new rain, then you might miss joy altogether. If you notice joy in all its facets, joy may be far more abundant than you imagined. Original cultures often understand joy to be the natural background experience of being alive as a human being, called basic goodness in Tibetan Buddhism. Joy is centered, awake, present; muscles all over the body are relaxed, peaceful and playful. Joy is relationship occurring previous to thought. Eyes are open while sharing joy, closed while enjoying joy. In intense joy, the smile muscles can ache unbearably. Spasms in the chest and belly explode as laughter that won’t stop even if the sides hurt with the most intense pain. You may need to fall out of your chair and roll on the ground when you laugh so hard.
This is why the New Map of Four Feelings indicates four kinds of pain: anger, sadness, fear, and joy. Joy is just as painful to experience as anger, sadness, and fear. Joy is one of the four pains. Pain is the indicator letting you know that you are alive.
Some models include love as one of the feelings. I consider love to be a Bright Principle, not a feeling. When love is happening, you can feel the Bright Principle of love influence your body. Because of the sensations that love can stimulate a person may feel angry, sad, afraid, or glad, but these are feelings. Love is not a feeling.
Some other models include sexual arousal as a feeling. Sexual arousal originates through a mysterious interplay between the physical, intellectual, emotional, and energetic bodies. Feelings come entirely from the emotional body. Feelings can be triggered by a thought, but feelings originate in the emotional body. Sexual arousal is closer to physical sensations like hunger, thirst, a desire for warmth, a need for exercise, a need to pee, yawn, or sneeze. (What? Sex is like sneezing? Uh, that would be the topic for a different book . . .)
MAKING STORIES ABOUT PAIN
Human beings are the only animals that can change pain into suffering. You change pain into suffering through the story you create about the pain. If you relate to pain as if you are being victimized by the pain, then you change the pain into suffering.
For example, when a man drops a hammer on his toe he might say, “Ouch! I’m an idiot! How stupid can I be? I’m always hurting myself, just like my dad! Ow! Damn, that hurts! Why does this always happen to me? I can’t do it right! Shit for life!!!”
In this case the man uses the pain to torture himself.
The same man in the same circumstance with the same hammer but a different story could say, “Ouch! Wow! What a wake-up call. This is real pain! I am so lucky. This pain only hurts in the moment where now is. I know where now is. I accept this pain now. I can even choose to feel this pain. I can choose it for no reason. Then I have the power, instead of the pain having the power. I am not a victim of the pain!”
In this case the man uses the pain to enlighten himself.
It is not the pain but your story about the pain that determines what the pain means or what the pain can do for you. Since you choose the stories you live by, why not, as Kurt Vonnegut Jr proposed in Cat’s Cradle, choose stories “that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy?”
TELLTALE SIGNS OF FEELINGS
Using a map to represent the entire domain of feelings in four simple territories provides a tremendous wealth of practical clarity. For example, when you know which feeling you are feeling, then you know which territory you are in, and therefore you know what sort of energy and information is available for you to work with.
This is like traveling. If you are in Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia or Iceland, as soon as you know which country you are in, you automatically know what kind of shoes to wear, how to greet the new people you meet, the polite way to eat your lunch, and what to do on Sunday. These are very useful bits of information.
Equally useful information is at your fingertips as soon as you know which of the four feelings territories you are in. Your body is the key. If you pay close attention to your physical sensations they will ongoingly indicate the feeling you are having: anger, sadness, fear, or joy.
When you notice that your jaw is clenched or your teeth are grinding; when you sense tension in your shoulders, chest or forehead; when your eyes are squinting, your feet are bouncing, your hands are bunched into fists, or you feel your options have narrowed, say to yourself, “I feel angry.” Even if the anger is only three seconds long.
When you notice that your jaw is slack, your hands are lifeless, you have a lump in your throat and a heavy heart; when you’re sighing, your head is down, your shoulders are slouched, or your vision is blurred, say to yourself, “I feel sad.” Even if the sadness is only three seconds long.
When you notice that your jaw is partly open, your eyes are wide, your hands or feet are cold, your fingers are fidgeting, and your breath is shallow; when you’re wearing a fake smile, there is tension in your forehead or shoulders, there are silent screams in your heart, your hair is standing on end, you feel paralyzed, or are trying to be invisible, say to yourself, “I feel scared.” Even if the fear is only three seconds long.
When you notice that your jaw and shoulders are relaxed; when your hands are warm and your smile easy; when your perspective is expanded, your attention free roving and you have an abundance of options; when you feel bright, playful, kind, generous, accepting, appreciative, or are grateful for life, say to yourself, “I feel glad.” Even if the joy is only three seconds long.
And let there be no judgment about which of the feelings you happen to be feeling in this moment. Feelings come and go. The feeling you are feeling now provides the information and energy that you need right now. Relax the internal judgments, notice what you are feeling, and apply its wisdom and energy. Simply notice that you are feeling. If others around you seem to be judging, or make critical comments, you can alleviate their concerns by looking them straight in the eyes and saying, “This theatrical work that I’m practicing is really interesting.”
Feelings are universal; they apply to you as well as to other human beings of all races, creeds and cultures all around the world. This illusion that we are separate or somehow different from each other is named in a song by Paul Simon in his Graceland album. He calls it “the myth of fingerprints.”
Making it a practice to sense and identify which of the four feelings you are feeling creates empathy with what others are feeling. Through giving yourself permission to experience your own feelings you may be surprised to find yourself closely connecting to people, even strangers or children, at a whole new level of easefulness—because you feel what they feel. Through feeling your own feelings you understand and respect what is happening with other people.
Suddenly you are freed from solitary confinement in your private world of thoughts. You emerge connected with other human beings in the world we all have in common: the world of feelings.
SECOND DISTINCTION: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
The second of the Ten Distinctions for
Consciously Feeling says that there is a difference between thoughts and feelings. You may not acknowledge or make use of this distinction because throughout school you were taught to focus exclusively on your thoughts. As a result you are far more proficient with thinking than you are with feeling. In fact, when you first start searching for your feelings you will probably look in your mind!
You are magnificent with your mind! You can think logically, verbally, mathematically, sequentially, and topologically. You can analyze and solve problems, memorize lists of names, dates and places, calculate probable futures, make reasonable estimates and deductions, and so on. But try as you might to use your mind to find your feelings you will fail miserably, because feelings do not originate in your head. Feelings originate in your heart.
The Map of Four Bodies shows how thoughts occur in the mind of the intellectual body, whereas feelings occur in the heart of the emotional body. Feelings arise out of a completely different domain than thoughts. They run on totally different energies, have altogether different uses, and are navigated through wholly different gestures and communications.
Trying to feel with your mind would be like trying to watch TV on a front-loading clothes washer. By the looks of the washer you should be able to watch TV on its window, but the two devices are radically different. There is no TV circuitry in the washing machine, and if you pour soap and water into a TV it goes Blazaat! with sparks and smoke! Yet each machine is perfectly functional for its own particular purpose.
The same is true of each of your four bodies—each is perfectly functional for its own particular purpose. It is up to you to learn the purpose and use of each of your bodies; otherwise you will be left standing in the laundromat waiting for I Love Lucy reruns.
It should be obvious by now that learning to feel feelings requires practice. Expecting that you should already know how to feel is like thinking the first time you pick up a violin you should be able to play Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto #3 like these guys:
It can help to ease your frustration if from time to time you remind yourself that we are all seriously handicapped. None of us received practical guidance about how to make use of our emotional and energetic bodies. The consequences of this lack are personal: half of your innate faculties—the heart and soul half—are atrophied from lack of conscious use. This is a severe handicap.
An important hint for learning to feel is simple but not easy to implement. When you first start learning to feel in Phase 1 of feelings work, you won’t find your feelings through thinking. Feelings are sensations in your body. If you are thinking about feeling, you will locate your attention in your head, and as a consequence be blocked from your feelings. Feelings do not occur in your head. They occur in your body. In Phase 2 of feelings work you will learn to think while feeling.
MAP OF HINT FOR LEARNING TO FEEL
World Copyright © 2010 owner Clinton Callahan grants permission to use. www.nextculture.org
Feelings are not in your head.
THOUGHTS COME FIRST
You may think a thought such as, “This is too much for me,” or “That asshole hurt me again!” or “Soon it will be vacation time.” Or you may formulate words to create a mental image, such as of being victimized, being totally relaxed, being a hero, or words that bring up a memory, such as, “My dog died,” or “That was selfish,” or “What a fun time we had.” But if you slow down the thinking-feeling process, you can see how it actually works. First there is the mental image or the thought, and a moment after the thought comes the feelings. The images, words, mental pictures and memories are not the feelings. Only the feelings are the feelings. Learning to feel will begin with learning to distinguish between the original thoughts in your head and the feelings these thoughts and images stimulate in your body.
A powerful practice is to distinctly communicate the thought and feeling elements separately in your speech. Start by seeing how often you can catch yourself saying, “I feel,” when you actually mean “I think.” For example, “I feel this is not fair,” “I feel it’s time to go,” “I feel she is a good candidate.” These are not feelings. These are thoughts. Not being clear about distinguishing feelings from thoughts creates confusing communications.
The first part of the practice is to replace the word feel with the word think whenever this is appropriate. When you say, “I think this is not fair,” “I think it’s time to go,” “I think she is a good candidate,” you are no longer confusing thoughts with feelings. This clarity gives you back a tremendous amount of power that was previously bound up in internal confusion.
The second part of the practice is to remember that there are only four words to choose from for the next word after you say, “I feel . . . .” The four words are angry, sad, scared, or glad. Simply memorize the sentence “I feel (mad, sad, glad or scared) because ____________,” and use this sentence at least three times each day.
Your communications would then include both your feelings and your thoughts, but not blended together. In the above examples, you could say, “I feel angry because I think it is not fair that you choose which movie we see most of the time,” or “I feel scared that we will be late to our appointment so I think it is time to go,” or “I feel glad that Maria Burnett is running for mayor because I think her commitment to sustainability makes her a good candidate.” This simple practice can bring intimacy and authenticity to your communications.
YOUR HEART HAS WORDS OF ITS OWN
During almost two decades of helping people experience and express their conscious adult feelings I have noticed some patterns. For example, two of the four feelings—anger and sadness—tend to include words as part of their full expression, and two of the feelings—fear and joy—do not. The two wordless feelings do have sounds, and quite remarkable sounds they may be, but in general the sounds are nonverbal. The two feelings that come with words—anger and sadness—are spoken with words of the heart. Your heart has words of its own.
Words of anger include: Yes! I want that! No! I don’t want that! Stop that! You idiot! I hate this! Keep going! I love this! This is perfect! This pisses me off! I agree! I don’t agree! Never do that again! Always do it like this! Arrrrggghhhh! Don’t touch me! This is my life! Yay!
(Notice that these samples of anger words do not fit the Old Map of Feelings that views anger as a negative feeling. On the New Map of Feelings anger is the impulse to start things, stop things, or change things—to make things happen. Anger is neither positive nor negative; it is neutral energy and information. The same is true of all four feelings.)
Words of sadness include: I can’t manage this. I am so alone. She left me. I don’t know what to do. I am weak and powerless. I miss you. I’m sorry I forgot. It didn’t work out. It got lost. It seems so hopeless. It’s too late. I’m lost. I failed.
Words that come from anger or sadness come directly from the feelings themselves, not from thinking the words first, as was described in the previous section. Feeling words come directly out of your heart, not from your mind.
The idea that your heart can think and speak may at first seem strange, but recent research reveals that the heart is a sensory organ that sends more information to the brain than it receives. With over forty thousand neurons of its own, the heart is a complex information-encoding and processing center, sufficiently sophisticated to qualify being regarded as a heart brain.
These findings become even more interesting. Consistent reports confirm that 5 to 10 percent of heart transplant recipients notice profound and unexpected side effects of the surgery, including experiencing memories, interests, tastes, habits, personality quirks and desires they never had before receiving the transplanted heart. Upon investigation, the traits turn out to match those of the now-deceased heart donor! These are not isolated cases. (For more information a
bout this, google heart cellular memory).
The next time you sing a song or recite a poem by heart, notice how you can think about other things at the same time that your heart is singing or reciting. Your heart has one voice and your mind has another. Notice also how trying to recall the words with your mind actually interferes with being able to speak the words from your heart. The words memorized by heart are not stored in your mind. They are stored in your heart.
Learning to consciously let your heart speak is a new skill, very different from letting your mind speak. You are structurally capable of learning heart-speaking skills beginning at seven years old, but there are few people in modern culture who could teach you. Your parents probably never learned. As children we are usually encouraged to learn only what the teachers could teach. Then our learning is limited by what the teachers are afraid to know.
Now you have another chance. Now you can learn whatever you are capable of learning, even if it has never been taught before. Now you can unfold and enliven your true learning potential.
In learning to let your heart speak there are clues. For example, your heart speaks more slowly than your mind, more softly, and with simpler words. The heart uses very few hand gestures to help explain. In contrast, the mind often employs precise hand movements for counting logical ideas on your fingers, pointing things out, and painting pictures in the air. It is also your mind speaking when you touch the fingertips of both hands together. Making this spider-on-a-mirror hand position tends to block feelings and shrink your focus into the intellect. Notice what your hands are doing. If you see your hands moving, check to see if you are merely in your head.
Directing the Power of Conscious Feelings- Living Your Own Truth Page 12