“You can tell me now,” I say. “Now that it’s fixed. Yang’s deleted everything about you. He’s made up some story, at the extreme behest of the DOJ, that’s convinced Mike and Taryn that this was a goose chase. That I screwed up my research and it was never you in the first place. Mike, of course, thinks it’s a set-up to humiliate him, which I’ll let him believe since that’s a happy accident arising out of this clusterfuck.”
“Good. This is all good, right?”
“Yes. It’s amazing.” I pause to swallow. “Even better for you if it means I played right into your hands.”
“E-Excuse me?”
I decide to bit the hard, bitter bullet. “Did you use me this whole time?”
“Did I—? Astor, no.”
“Because all I have are my memories. And you used me back then.”
“No. I—okay.” Ben inhales. Nods. “I see where this is going now. Thank God. Not—I don’t mean I’m thankful this is happening, but I sure as fuck am relieved I finally understand this conversation.”
I cross my arms, a physical shield to the aching organ behind them.
“Do you remember a guy named Dodge?” Ben asks.
My brows come together. “What does he have to do with anything?”
“Just hear me out. He’s a former teammate, in college. Was kicked off for a positive drug test, and went downhill from there. Crack, cocaine, heroine, he was like a gradient going from bad drugs to worse.”
I nod. “Yes, I remember him. I especially remember when he burst into my dorm room the morning you were sneaking out of my bed.”
Ben rubs his lips together. “A guy that beat-up on drugs, that addicted, tends to lurk in dark corners. Literally. I had a meet set-up with Aiden—the U.S. Marshal you met—one night. It was at a diner, way offroad from the campus, in a neighborhood rarely frequented by college kids, if you get my meaning.”
“So you met in a poorer suburb.”
“Yes. It never occurred to me that Dodge would be there, too. But he’s short on cash, desperate, down on his luck. Of course he’d be prowling the outskirts. And he saw me through the window, in one of the booths, talking to Aiden.”
“He knew who Aiden was?”
“No. He knew who I was, and that made me and my guest an ample target. Better to stick with what you know is harmless and safe than try to mug a stranger with a gun. There was a moment Aiden went to the bathroom and I got up to pay—it wasn’t a place where the waitresses fetched you a bill. I guess Aiden’s wallet slipped out onto the booth when he stood. Dodge went over, found the wallet, scraped it for cash, and saw the shield.”
My lips part. “Oh.”
“Yeah. He figured I was talking to a cop, but didn’t know for what. But I’m sure you’ve figured out, it didn’t matter for what. The fact he saw me with a cop was enough to compromise me. If he blabbered it to Locke, to anyone, and it got around I’m associated with law enforcement…it would bring up questions I couldn’t answer.”
“But, couldn’t you have made up some story? He’s a family friend, or something?”
Ben smiles sadly at me, like he thinks it’s cute I’m trying to solve something that toppled dominos long ago.
“Aiden saw him before I did,” Ben says. “Launched himself at Dodge and tackled him. Got back his shield. But Dodge had been creeping up to us for a while. Heard enough of a conversation to get him suspicious. The gist of which would prove Aiden wasn’t a family friend.”
“You were exposed,” I surmise.
“Enough to cause great concern. Especially when Dodge felt opportunistic about the whole thing. He knew he’d been listening in on something he wasn’t supposed to. Did he know I was in WITSEC? No, probably not. But I’d been careful ever since discovering my history at sixteen. I didn’t want anything hurting my parents.”
“So…Dodge blackmailed you? Said you had to what? Fuck me or he’d tell? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Dodge wanted back on the team. To be part of something again. Have friends. Me, Locke, East, Ash, we were the closest he had, before he fucked it all up. And he was pissed at me for not going to bat for him when he tested positive for weed. Those were the good ol’ days, before he got into the meth.”
“So…blackmail and revenge?”
Ben shakes his head. “Dodge died soon after. You didn’t hear about it?”
I shake my head. I was too deep in my own mortification to hear about Dodge’s demise.
“An overdose. His last words, according to the other druggie he was with, were, I ain’t got friends. I got enemies of my own making.”
“That’s terrible,” I say, and I mean it. “But what does this have to do—”
“I can’t give you answers on Dodge’s motivations. I’m telling you this to explain why Dodge came into your room that morning, laughing. Talking about a dare.”
“Because you did as he asked. You did it to protect your identity until you and Aiden could figure out how to appease Dodge.”
“No. What happened with you and I was real. It was just very, very bad timing. I wasn’t thinking, when you answered that door, Astor. You looked…fuck, you were so sexy and innocent at the same time. I nearly exploded in my pants.”
I try not to feel warm at the compliment, such that it is. “You couldn’t have let me in on Dodge’s sick dare?”
“How? Without compromising what happened with him and Aiden? I stopped thinking, Astor, and that’s my fault. I saw you and my brain shut off. You were all-consuming, and it was the best night I’d had in a very long time. Because for once, I didn’t feel weight on my shoulders. All I could feel was you.”
“Ben.”
“I didn’t know Dodge followed me, especially after I knocked him out. Had no idea he’d burst through your door, blabbering about a fake dare. And Jesus, I did not know your RA would come in soon after and take a pic of it.”
“I can believe this. I can, because of what’s happened recently, and the very real threat to your life. But I can’t reconcile what you did after, when you just…left me.”
“I was leaving that morning for good,” Ben says quietly. “I was making plans with Aiden to leave.”
“Leave?” I echo. “You mean, leave as Ben, right? Figure out how to handle Dodge and come back as Ben.”
“No. I was prepared to become someone else. To keep my family out of whatever Dodge might figure out. But he died, and that’s the only reason I stayed.”
“Did…was Dodge’s death…”
“Orchestrated by Aiden? Fuck, no. He hates paperwork, especially the secret government kind. It was a wake up call, Astor. A lucky one. How shaky my life is, and how quickly it can be taken away. I don’t even have to die. I can still lose everything, and I didn’t want to lose you. So I stayed away from you because I thought it was the best choice.”
“You let me hate you. Glare at you across dinner tables. Essentially treat you like shit,” I say.
“I’m human. I got comfortable again, even though I wanted to distance. Your brother’s fucking impossible to shake. He warmed me up, I became convinced I could play pro-ball and be okay, because who was around to threaten me? No one. Dodge was gone, I was protected from afar—Aiden and I didn’t meet again after that—and everything looked golden. Except for you. I figured I fucked things up so badly, it was better to let you despise me.”
“And then your parents’ killers were arrested,” I murmur. “And all the fears came back.”
“There is some good that came out of it.” Ben tries for a smile. “You came back, too.”
I close the space between us, but I’m afraid to touch him.
He lowers his chin and says, “I didn’t use you, Astor. I never have. All I can say is, whenever the worst happens to me, the only good that comes out of it is you.”
“You’ve gone through so much. You deserve some good in your life. I don’t know if it’s me, but…”
“Are you kidding?” Ben catches my hand and kisses my fingers.
“I’m—I’m like they say, a lot of the time. Hard. Cold. Mean.”
He smiles through the spaces of my fingers. “You turn into warm, mushy putty in my hands.”
I laugh uncomfortably and try to pull away, but he holds firm.
“Astor, you’re brilliant, and kind, and you love your family. You were devastated by your mom’s cancer and are still picking up the pieces. But you’re so dedicated to doing what’s right, you were willing to torpedo your life’s work for what? Me? A guy who, for all you knew, used you and might as well have dumped you on the side of the road? That’s not a cold, heartless soul. That’s a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and who she wants to protect. At all costs. And I love her for that. Love you.”
He slides his fingers across my cheek, lightly cupping my jaw. I turn into it and kiss his palm. “I believe you. It’s against my nature to say this, but I should’ve believed you from the beginning.”
“I’m not exactly the picture of a perfect guy,” he says. He tips my chin up. “Maybe it’s you who doesn’t deserve me. I’m still a danger to the people around me. Chavez is still outside—literally—and could figure out who I am.”
“Not if I have anything to do with it,” I say fiercely. “You will stay Ben Donahue and never run away again. Hear me?”
Ben closes his lips and smiles. “I hear you, honey.”
“Don’t ever try to leave,” I whisper. “Not without me by your side.”
He pulls me into his chest. “We’re not going anywhere, you and I. We have family here. Brothers. A baby goddaughter. And we’ll be here to watch those fuckers pay for my parents’ souls.”
I nod into the fabric of his coat. “You did good by them, Ben. Your parents. They’d be proud of you.”
“That’s the greatest compliment you could give. I’d forgotten them for so long, I was sure they’d be disappointed I was choosing Ben over Ryan.”
“You are choosing life over death. And through you, Ryan will always be alive.” I curl my fingers into his lapels and lift up to kiss him. Ben. Ryan.
I love them both.
Softly, he sucks my lower lip. Gently, I graze his tongue with my teeth. It’s a calm, soothing, whole-hearted kiss, and never in my life have I felt so safe. So loved.
I’m proud of you, too, sweetie, I swear I hear my mom say. It’s the first time I’ve heard her voice, so clear, so strong, in much too long.
I break the kiss, leaving enough room for the barest breaths between us. “We’ve both lost people important to us. But we’ve found each other. And I know our parents are looking down on us with peace in their hearts.”
“They are, Astor.” Ben tucks my head under his chin. He kisses my hair and repeats, “It’s through them, we found each other.”
33
Epilogue
Ash
Fuckin’ BBQs in the dead of winter in New York City.
Who does that?
My dick friend Ben, that’s who. And he’s asked me to man the grill, of course. On a fuckin’ balcony. In the goddamned cold. Pushing around burger patties with smoke in my eyes and icicles on my ears, while everyone else sits warm and cozy indoors.
“They better enjoy these fuckin’ burgers,” I mumble into my scarf as I do the last flip.
Their muffled sounds come through the glass sliding doors, fogged over with snowflakes and frostbite. Everybody’s inside, including the girl I slept with a few weeks ago.
What’s her name?
Oh, yeah. Sophie.
Hot and small. Exactly how I like them. Flowing, curly blonde hair that tingles my skin every time it got caught in my nipple ring, and a great ass. Only requirements I need, really.
Finally, the damn patties are done. Assholes even had the balls to request certain types of cheeses on each.
Just because I’m a chef, don’t mean I can whip up burgers on the fly. If anything, it demeans me. I got skill way more fly than cheeseburgers on a balcony.
Friends. They make you do fucked up things.
“‘Yo, food’s done,” I say as I slide open the door. Guess I don’t get no sous chef.
“Aya!”
Lily claps her hands at my arrival, the only one who cares I’ve been freezing my balls off. Or shows any excitement over the tray I’m holding. Since she’s the only woman who will ever get me down on my knees, she’s allowed to applaud charred winter burgers.
“That’s right, sweet-tart,” I say as I pass. The chains on my jeans do a little jangle, causing her to rise and toddle after me.
“Someone get the ankle-biter!” I call as I try not to trip over the cherub.
“Sorry, man,” Locke says and scoops her up. “We’re riveted over here.”
I drop the tray on the kitchen island. “By what?”
Now that he says it, it’s pretty obvious the chatter died down about the time I ambled inside.
“Astor’s case is on the news. Defendants took a plea. Seventy-five years to life, with the possibility of parole after fifty.”
“Shit, they got parole?” I ask and follow him back into the main room. “Didn’t they massacre a family?”
“The defendants are in their late forties,” Astor says as I come to a stand beside her. She’s close to Ben, whose attention isn’t wavering from the flat screen. “Parole is like a far-off dream to them. They’ll die in prison.”
“So why’d they accept?”
Astor shrugs, but there’s the barest consternation behind her relaxed pose. “The State managed to turn Garcia. He got a plea deal for agreeing to testify against Lopez. Lopez is the only one identified in the witness’s testimony.”
“Witness? Like that protected little kid?”
“Not a little kid anymore,” Astor says.
I’m kinda uncomfortable under her stare. It’s so…unwavering. Fuckin’ lawyers.
“Garcia didn’t want a trial with his best friend testifying against him,” Astor continues. “So he agreed to a guilty plea.”
“All gibberish to me,” I say.
“They’re guilty as sin. And they’re going to pay for it,” Astor says.
“Says the lawyer defending them,” I say wryly.
At that, Astor tosses me another shrug.
Okay, then.
“Dudes.” I turn to the room. “Burgers. Before they’re cold and I throw you all off the balcony for letting them sit there.”
Lily finds my pants and pulls. “Except you,” I say as I lift her into my arms. “You get first pick.”
“Buh-guhs.”
“That’s right, honey pot.”
Everyone shuffles to a stand, but are halted by Ben’s sudden, booming voice.
“Wait. We have an announcement to make.”
I pause in chopping up a patty one-handed with a spatula, Lily wriggling for a bite.
“There’s a reason I’ve asked you all to my place,” Ben continues. He looks to Astor, puts a hand around her waist, and says, “We wanted to tell you all, together, that—well, that we’re together. Astor and I.”
Silence. Lily babbles something.
Then, I say, “Who wanted the bare burger again?”
“Me,” Carter says and sidles up to the island with a plate. “If I eat any more cheese on that platter you made, I’ll become a mouse.”
“There ya go.” I plop one on her plate.
“Fuck, I’m starving,” Locke says, kissing Carter’s temple as he passes. “Gimme.”
East follows suit.
“Uh, guys?” Astor asks.
We all turn from our food, an epic feat.
“What?” Locke says with his mouthful.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Ben asks.
I shout at the top of my lungs, “Fuckin’ FINALLY!”
Lily seconds my cheer, and I flinch at Carter’s glare, but everyone else claps. Lily takes up the applause by taking the spatula from my hand and slamming it repeatedly on the countertop.
And those poor, sweet,
stupid souls over there, the pair of them, are dumbfounded.
“It was a waiting game,” East says, the first to feel sorry for Astor and Ben. “We actually had bets. Who won, anyway?”
“Me,” I say. “Always me.”
“No one’s mad?” Astor asks.
“Why would we be?” Carter responds. She’s the first to sit back on the couch, balancing a full plate on her thighs. “You two hated each other so much, it was only a matter of time before you fell in love.”
“Locke, man?” Astor asks. “Are you…?”
“What, okay with the whole thing?” Locke gestures with his burger, already half-eaten. “You do know who you dated before Ben, right?”
Astor purses her lips.
“I’d say my best friend is an upgrade,” Locke says, then pounds the rest of his burger.
“Honestly, we’re fine with it,” East says.
“Great, even,” I say. “Since now we don’t have to wait for you two to fuck it out.”
“Ash,” Carter says. “You’re holding a child.”
“Yep, that I am,” I reply sheepishly. I set Lily down a traveling high chair thing Locke always brings around these days, and give her her food. I’m happy to say she demolishes it like a true member of this clan should.
“I still got one burger left,” I say to the general room. “Who’s missing—wait. Where’s, uh, Sophie?”
Carter scans the room from her seat. “She was just here…”
“Ash?”
Sophie’s voice comes from the balcony. What’s she doing over there?
“Can I talk to you a minute?” she asks.
Uh, why? I’m sure that question is all over my face, but it’s not like we announced our hook up to the crowd. In fact, we kept it on the down low, mostly because I’m reluctant to get any sort of bashing from Carter, Sophie’s best friend. Locke would probably side with her, then I’d have three people up my ass instead of one, and that ain’t no kind of orgy I want to be a part of.
“Please?” she asks again.
The rest of the people pretend deep interest in their food. I guess Sophie’s happy to blow up our spot.
Daring You Page 25