by E E Everly
That would clear any remaining anxiety.
FIFTY-FOUR
A fire flickered, illuminating his form on the bed. The hour was too late. Too dark and too cold. If I thought I could sneak into our room and Caedryn would be asleep, I was mistaken.
His back was to me as I slid between the icy covers.
“You missed supper,” he growled.
Hurt laced his words.
This was all he had to say? No sarcastic thanks for the night of harrowing nightmares. No pleading for forgiveness because of his overzealous kiss. No mention of worrying for me.
You missed supper.
I tried not to groan over the three words that could have been much more.
I supposed he had every right. I’d disappeared, as if I’d discarded his carelessly bestowed affection. He didn’t want to reveal himself to me the way he had yesterday, but he wanted to prove a point.
He was dangerous. He told me as much. I felt these notions as an unspoken vibe.
But what was this new vibe? He was sharing with me a different feeling, letting me sense something. When he said I “missed supper” what he meant was he missed me at supper. He had missed me all day.
Caedryn could have found me, but he knew I wanted space. He knew I was working. He was working.
But he missed me.
I guessed those three words said everything.
I grinned. Separation is a powerful tool in regard to matters of the heart.
I told myself I’d take things slow with Caedryn. I had shunned his physical advance, but what if I showed him something tender? More careful?
A sudden desire to touch him filled me. I craved the feeling of wanting to be loved, recalling the way I begged to be loved when Kelyn kissed me. I had wanted him to feel my light and need me in return.
I wanted Caedryn to feel my light. He needed my light. He possessed so much darkness that needed to be countered.
Fill his void. Receive by giving. I understood this truth. Our hearts became fuller—richer—as we gave. Healing began as we gave of ourselves.
Seren would chastise me for being bold, but I didn’t care. I shoved my pillow beside his and curled my body against Caedryn, draping my arm across his stomach. I nearly gasped; his build was so slender. His emrys physique had not escaped my eye, but I hadn’t wrapped my arms around him until then. Touching him brought back memories of frolics with Aneirin.
No. I wouldn’t think of Aneirin.
Caedryn had become absolutely rigid. His back arched away from me. His breathing was shallow, as if he tried not to move his body at all, as if the less he moved, the less he’d feel my body pressed against his.
“This isn’t for you; this is for me,” I whispered.
He didn’t say anything.
I began slowly, imperceptibly. I shared my light with him in a casual stream that would build steadily over the night.
He didn’t stop me, although I knew he was fighting a battle. As I settled against him, I also knew Caedryn wouldn’t kiss me again the way he had. His kiss had shown me that once he released his passion, it’d be difficult for him to rein in, but rein it in he would.
This night was for me. Not him.
FIFTY-FIVE
The morning sun shone through the bedroom window. As I woke, I was vaguely aware of two things. One, Caedryn was wide-awake, but his breaths had deepened. I wouldn’t say he was relaxed. Quite possibly he stayed up all night, exercising his self-control until he could finally breathe and let his back touch me.
And two, his hand clutched mine, to his chest.
I felt a sense of victory.
At what point did he pull me closer?
Did he trace his fingers down my hand? Could he have been so bold as to continue up my wrist to my elbow?
I tilted my nose up to his neck and inhaled his scent. Why hadn’t I noticed his faint masculine pheromones? His skin had an aroma that was only Caedryn’s and no one else’s.
I almost sighed.
I was afraid to move. What would he say?
The heat from his body nearly melted me into a blissful state. I had an urge to share pieces of my emotions with Caedryn. He didn’t bother reading me with his light, so I kept my emotions to myself.
What would he do if I shared my content? I wanted to.
Before I decided, Caedryn unwrapped my arm from himself, and he slid out of the covers.
I frowned.
Last night had been a failure.
He looked down at me. His face held no expression.
I died.
What was he feeling? Irritation grew inside me. I shared my light with him the entire night, and he had shared nothing! I threw the covers back and rose to my knees to meet him at his eye level.
I opened my mouth to snap at him. I wanted answers.
“I’ve decided something,” he said.
As I arched an eyebrow, I shut my mouth.
He continued to scrutinize me.
I wanted to scream. Just say it!
I swung my legs around, and my feet hit the floor. I pushed off the bed and advanced on him. “You kissed me as if you wanted to consume my very being. Then pulled away. You shocked me so much I couldn’t even face you.”
He smiled.
“You were angry when I came home late. You hate that I touched you. That I dared touch you.”
His pupils scanned the features of my face, from my eyes down to my lips.
He was still smiling.
“And you say you’ve decided something,” I said. “That’s all you have to say!”
He chewed his bottom lip. This was the first time he’d done such a thing. I didn’t know why he was nervous.
“I’ve decided you make me happy,” he said.
My mouth dropped open. I had expected a more dramatic revelation. I dismissed him with a wave and whirled away. As I rounded the corner of the bed, his hand slipped into mine.
I froze, gripping the bedpost.
I didn’t consider that his words were a dramatic revelation for him. He’d stayed awake all night thinking of the perfect line, the ideal way to express how he feels about me.
I make him happy.
I smiled, but I didn’t turn around while I basked in the feel of his hand firmly pressed into mine and in the gentle tug as he attempted to pull me to himself.
My heart danced.
His hand was warm, sure.
“Do you know what I want?”
“No,” he said.
“More.”
“More?”
“I’m not sure what we’re doing here,” I grumbled. “Teasing each other. Testing each other. Revealing ourselves, but not all of ourselves.”
“I can give you only so much. Any more and I’d frighten you away.”
“You’ve already frightened me. You’ve already lied to me. You proclaim your deceptive nature as though you’re proud of it.”
“It is well ingrained in me,” he said.
“You act as though you don’t want to change.”
“I can’t.”
“Would you change for me?” I pleaded with my eyes.
His pupils flicked back and forth, studying the depths of my eyes. “Niawen. You’re maddening.”
“Share yourself with me.” I wanted to reach out, grab his arms, and pull him into myself.
Caedryn dragged his hands down his face. “You don’t know what you ask.”
“You’ve as good as dangled your secrets in my face. Flaunted your dark side.” I poked him in the chest.
Caedryn grabbed my hand and held it steady against his chest. His breathing was shallow, and his heart beat rapidly.
“Four ways to bond. I want you to give me one,” I said.
“Niawen. You don’t know what this will do.”
“You’ve bonded with no one, correct? Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually?”
“Uh…”
I pulled my hand off his chest. “You told me no one before.”
“I forgot about the emotional bond.”
“You would know if you had one.”
“I had one with Empress Rhianu, then.”
“Of course you did.”
“It’s broken now, trust me.”
I raked my hair back from my forehead. I was becoming more frustrated by the second. I don’t care about his past. I want to know the man standing right before me. I blurted my words before I could regret them or talk myself out of saying them. “I bond with you mentally. Do you accept me?”
Tension flooded the room.
I saw Caedryn’s face work as he processed his thoughts. What I wouldn’t give to be in his mind. Say it. Say it.
“Yes,” he whispered. “I bond with you mentally. Do you accept me?”
“Yes,” I said.
A plug had been pulled. I moaned as blinding anxiety cleared. A field of clarity opened before me.
We were bonded.
I’d be able to hear him.
He could hear me.
It felt like an incomplete victory.
I didn’t want to look at him.
I turned away. “You decide when you’re ready to bond physically.” I stormed out of the room.
FIFTY-SIX
I leaned against the back of the metal tub and rubbed the cloth down my arms. I felt smug and satisfied. Yet so vexed. It wasn’t as if I had tricked Caedryn into the mental bond. Though making progress with him felt good, I didn’t like how the moment had unfolded.
I had ruined the perfect calm from his announcement.
You make me happy, he had said.
Oh, Deian. And I told him that deciding when to bond physically was up to him. Oh no! What was I thinking? We were moving too fast.
I was being too greedy.
What would our bond do to him?
You make me crazy! I screamed my words at him, knowing he’d hear them.
I reviewed the spine-tingling milestones in my life. Every victory I had. Every failure. Every big step. Looking into Aneirin’s soul. Jumping off the ledge. Meeting my first mortal. Healing the bricklayer. Kelyn’s kiss. Kenrik’s declaration. Defying my father. Coming to Islwyn. Healing the people in the city.
All the thoughts exhausted me. And yet, peace filled me.
I shampooed my hair and dried it before the fire. Lowri brushed it smooth for me.
I was where I wanted to be. I could celebrate the steps forward in my life. I could even face Kelyn and Kenrik. My jaw twinged as I hoped they’d moved on. Was the discomfort from thinking about Kelyn’s caresses? I unclenched my teeth, but the tightness remained. While massaging my jaw, Kenrik’s tortured cries accosted me again. Would I always hear him crying my name?
“Are you all right, my lady?” Lowri asked.
“Huh?” I was still rubbing my cheek. “Oh yes. I’m fine.”
I turned my thoughts to Owein. I should find him. I hadn’t searched for his light in ages. What part of the country would he be in during the winter? He’d probably be south on a warm beach. Not being experienced with winter, I couldn’t imagine good trapping while most of the animals were hibernating.
Despite my distressing past, this world did feel like my home—with friends I thought of fondly. Friends I could visit. When Seren returned, I’d visit Kelyn and Kenrik and make sure things were set right between them. And make sure Kelyn didn’t resent my exit. I regretted not saying goodbye to him.
“Thank you, Lowri.” I patted my braids. She had experimented with a few coils around my crown. I was delighted with the result. “I’m going into the city, as usual.”
“All right, my lady. I’ll be with you shortly. Just a few things to finish up.”
I opened my door and stepped into the hallway.
Caedryn was leaning against the wall, grinning. “I enjoyed your bath.”
My bath? “Oh, no! You fiend!”
“Your hair does look rather lovely, doesn’t it?”
“You listened to my thoughts?”
Caedryn chuckled and reached for me. “I’m going to try something, but I’m nervous. Hold still.” He wrapped his arms around me—stiffly. “You smell good.”
His heart sped up against my chest.
“You shouldn’t have listened to my bath or my thoughts during my bath!”
One of his fingers wound a lock of my hair behind my back. His embrace softened, only slightly. “I’m behaving, I swear! I couldn’t help myself. I especially enjoyed how ticklish you are between your toes.”
“You didn’t!”
“You do know how serious a bond is, right?”
“Of course. I just didn’t think you’d take advantage of it so soon and so readily. What impish ideas are in your head?” Embarrassment stirred inside me.
“None, I assure you. I do have one question.”
“What?”
“Should I be jealous?”
I shoved out of his arms. “You. You!”
“I thought you should know how free your thoughts are.”
“Why should it matter if we’ve bonded? Don’t you want to hear my free thoughts?”
“Don’t get me wrong. I actually love it. I haven’t been in the mind of a woman before.”
As Caedryn tried to pull me back into his embrace, I realized I didn’t hear anything inside his head. “You’re still not opening up to me!”
“I will do so slowly. It’s hard. I don’t want to overwhelm you at once.”
“Oh, and my simpleminded thoughts as a woman don’t overwhelm you?”
“I’d say I’m not overwhelmed. No. Not at all.”
I huffed. “I might not be as intellectual as you are, or have such deep-seated thoughts and as tormented a past as you, but I can assure you I’m not simpleminded.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“I will see you tonight. I have work to do.”
“As do I, Niawen dearest. As do I.”
He watched me walk away. He let me feel his sigh.
I glared at him as I turned a corner.
Pleasure—that’s all I felt in return. His allowance did not please me. I could have discerned that without a bond.
I’ll show you pleasure. I had a nicely devious plan.
FIFTY-SEVEN
The Forlorn. I picked up the scandalous novel I’d read before. Caedryn was in a meeting, discussing the winter stores. Because of my healing abilities, many of the sick had not died over the past month. Rations were being adjusted accordingly.
Such odd good tidings to discuss. The city needed more food. We were well out of danger of starvation, but the report amused me regardless. People were living. Great, I started a population increase.
I settled onto a cozy chaise, thrilled Caedryn shared bits of his duties with me. Some safe things. The small glimpses were a good first step.
I flipped to the novel’s page where I had folded down the corner.
Her skin was the color of the milk she had squeezed into the bucket. As I reached for the handle, a groan swelled inside me. I longed to embrace Carys. She didn’t know the effect she had on me. She thanked me for the help as we strolled across the yard, with her hips swaying and her skirts swishing. The sounds they made were whispers. Yes, Aderyn, yes. Soon, Aderyn, soon.
How they teased me.
I was mad to consider taking her in my arms…
The book was ripped from my hands.
I jumped up, startled to death. “Caedryn!”
He flung the book into the fire, and the flames engulfed the dried-out paper.
“This is not the least bit amusing!” His face was flushed, his eyes, rounded.
“You were in a meeting,” I whispered.
“How could I focus on a meeting with you reading that novel? Don’t make me ache for you more than I already do! Don’t tantalize me with thoughts of your porcelain flesh. I’d drink you if I could, Niawen. By the stars in the firmament, I would!”
He stormed out of the room just as he had come.
FIFTY-EIGHT
> “Come here, Niawen.”
I didn’t move past the doorway to our bedchamber. Caedryn sat on the bed’s edge, with his back to me and his shirt off.
His naked torso displayed the most skin I had ever seen on him.
Oh, no. I shouldn’t have read that novel. We were supposed to be moving slow. What are you doing?
With my eyes, I couldn’t stop tracing the muscles’ contours in his neck, down and around his shoulder blades. His skin was pale without the summer sun tanning it, thrown into greater contrast with his black hair.
I held my breath as I took one step. I couldn’t take my eyes away. Nervousness coursed through my body. I smoothed my fingers down my nightgown, wishing I had several more layers than the sheer fabric that was never a problem before.
I suddenly thought of all the reasons white was so inappropriate to wear to bed with a man who wasn’t physically bound to me. The purity of it, the cleanness of it, the revealing nature of it.
Caedryn turned, and the intensity of his eyes as they sought mine almost buckled me.
“Niawen, please. Come here.”
I crawled into bed, carefully, picking my way as if serpents hid beneath the covers waiting to strike. As Caedryn destroyed the distance between us with his confident move to the bed’s center, I noticed he at least wore short, thin linen pants.
“You deserve to know the truth.” While trying not to hyperventilate, I allowed him to pull me into his arms. “You asked me to show you my nightmares. After today and your impatience with me, I’ll grant your long-awaited request. My memories will hurt you. I don’t welcome the pain they’ll cause, but hold on to me, and you’ll be safe.”
I nodded up at him, unable to speak with my upper body pressed against his bare flesh.
“Forgive me for this,” he whispered.
As I shut my eyes, his vision overtook mine. He freely fed me his memories. I didn’t need to dive with my light. I wasn’t asking to heal his torment; I wasn’t sure if I could. I had never practiced that skill. But Caedryn wanted me to see only so I might know him…